9 hours ago.

“You winked at him!” JiYong screamed at SeungHyun as they exited the restaurant, attracting the attention of the few bystanders.

“You know I’ll never do that.” SeungHyun voice firm but exasperated.

“Well you were at least thinking about him. Don’t even try to deny that!” JiYong cried out, disappointment evident in his tone.

“The only person I can ever think about is you. JiYong!” JiYong had already stopped listening to whatever excuses he thought SeungHyun was coming up with.  Without thinking, JiYong stride across the road, jealousy taking over common sense. Nothing good ever comes out when that happens.

The headlights of the oncoming car glowed brighter. The sound of the car horn deafened JiYong’s ear as he turned to see the speeding car. Sooner then he thought possible; a force pushed him out of the way. JiYong heard the tires screeched, a sickening thud, and then silence.

Present time.

The tears fell uncontrollably into JiYong’s lap but he made no effort at wiping them away. His jeans were almost half soaked already. JiYong was sitting on the chair at the corridor outside the emergency room. Still in shock about what happened nine hours ago, still processing the fact that SeungHyun was in the emergency room and may very well die. The surgery had been going on for eight hours already. The nurses had tried to contact SeungHyun’s parents to no avail, since they were overseas.

The band around JiYong’s heart refused to loosen. JiYong squeezed his eyes shut, hoping so much that it was all a dream. But when he opened his eyes again, the same whitewashed walls were staring back at him. JiYong let out a strangled cry and slid to his knees. Clenching his hands together tightly, he started to pray to every God he knew to let SeungHyun survive. That he would not want anything else in his entire life anymore if they just let SeungHyun survive this accident. More importantly, JiYong begged that SeungHyun remembered what he promised JiYong five years ago. You said you will never let me go.

When the doors of the emergency room opened, JiYong nearly pounced on the doctor. He did not care that he was a mess, that the doctor could see he was an emotional wreck. All that matter now was SeungHyun. JiYong looked at the doctor expectantly.

“The patient is not in danger anymore. However, he has entered a coma due to the serious concussion he suffered. We do not know when he will wake up, or if he will ever wake up at all.” JiYong breathed a sigh of relief, tears finally halting and the band around JiYong’s heart loosening a little. SeungHyun was alive. SeungHyun survived. That means SeungHyun remembered. SeungHyun was not letting go.

Day 1.

Dear SeungHyun,

Thank You. Thank You so much for being in my life, for saving me even though I was being a jealous again. Thank You for remembering what you promised me. You don’t deserve to be lying on that bed now. It should be me. It’s my fault that you are in that bed right now. Why do you love me so much?

Love,

JiYong

JiYong struggled to keep his tears in as he slipped the piece of paper into the envelope and tucked it under SeungHyun’s pillow. He brushed SeungHyun’s hair to the side, careful not to add to much pressure on the bandage around SeungHyuns’s head. He could feel the guilt gnawing at him as he admired the peaceful face in front of him. The monitors that were beeping at the rhythm of SeungHyun’s heart seem to be blaming him for the accident that happened.

Feeling as if the fall walls were closing in on him, JiYong started to hyperventilate as the tears fell at a faster rate. Desperately trying to loosen the band around his heart, JiYong clawed at his chest. He rushed out of the room to the hospital garden and immediately relaxed. The short hurried breaths changing to long deep ones. But, once again, the band only loosened a little bit.

Day 5

Dear SeungHyun,

Your parents came to visit you this afternoon. They did not say a word to me when they saw me, even though I thought they were going to kill me. I couldn’t help but feel even guiltier as they sobbed at the side of the bed while holding your hand. I can tell that they love you very much. And it was my fault for taking you away from them.

I’m sorry.

Love,

JiYong.

The band around his heart tightened as he slipped the fifth letter under SeungHyun’s pillow. JiYong was hoping that SeungHyun would wake up before the letters overflow. JiYong had settled into a routine over the past few days. In the morning, he would watch television while talking randomly to SeungHyun. Then he would clean SeungHyun and entertain visitors. Before he sleeps, he would write SeungHyun a letter to tell him how he was feeling. JiYong found that it helped him cope with the nagging pain he was feeling due to SeungHyun’s ‘absence’.

Day 17

Dear SeungHyun

You parents are still not talking to me. But at least they let me stay with you in the hospital.

These days, I haven't been sleeping. I’m staying up, playing back myself leaving that night.

Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times when I watched you laughing from the passenger side. And realized I loved you so long ago.

And then the cold came, the dark days, when fear crept into my mind. You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye.

I'm sorry for that night. I wish I'd realized what I had when you were mine.

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile and how you held me in your arms that September night the first time you ever saw me cry.

Maybe this is wishful thinking, probably mindless dreaming.

But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.

I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't.

I miss you.

Love,

JiYong

This time, JiYong placed the letter into the wooden box. It had taken him a long time to transfer every single letter into the box since he would break down every time he touched one. SeungHyun had not waked up yet even though the letters were overflowing. The band around JiYong’s heart tightened further.

Day 23

Dear SeungHyun,

Our friends came to visit today. DaeSung, SeungRi and TaeYang. They did not blame me for what happened, which I’m grateful for. They said that if the positions were reversed, the same thing would happen. Which is true, I would die for you.

I have died everyday waiting for you.

But darling don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years.

I'll love you for a thousand more.

Love,

JiYong.

JiYong really felt like he was dying every time a day past with SeungHyun unconscious. A small part of JiYong’s soul died every time he watched SeungHyun’s favourite morning talk show, every time he cleaned SeungHyun’s body, every time he wrote the letter. The number of days SeungHyun had slept away was always on his mind. Twenty-three, twenty-three, twenty-three. JiYong wondered how long more of this constant agony he could take.

Day 31

Dear SeungHyun,

A month has officially passed since you entered a coma. In this month, I realised I made a lot of mistakes when I’m with you.

I’d never plan to get so jealous.

I’d never plan to doubt your love.

I’d never plan that one day I'd be losing you.

In another life I would be your boy, we keep all our promises, be us against the world. And in other life I would make you stay, so I don't have to say you were the one that got away.

Please come back.

Love,

JiYong.

Day 45

Dear SeungHyun,

Today, the doctor asked me if he wanted me to allow you to undergo euthanasia. Could you imagine the panic and anger I felt? I almost punched the doctor, but I knew it was his duty to ask since he is the doctor after all. Can you please wake up? The days feel like years when I'm alone.

When you walk away I count the steps that you take.

Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you.

When you're gone, the voice I came to know is missing too.

When you're gone, the words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok.

I miss you.

I've never felt this way before; everything that I do reminds me of you.

The clothes you left, they lie on the floor

And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

We were made for each other, out here forever.

I know we were.

All I ever wanted was for you to know

Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul

I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me.

Love,

JiYong

Day 54

Dear SeungHyun,

Your parents finally started talking to me. It was awkward but I’ll live. They said that they knew we love each other so they will never separate us, but they would appreciate if this would never happen again. They talk in a way as if they knew you were going to wake up. I don’t know what to feel at the moment. I’m so confused about what I should be feeling. Hopeful because one day you might wake up? Or crestfallen because you might never wake up?

Nonetheless, I know it gets hard sometimes but I could never leave your side no matter what I say.

Because if I wanted to go, I would have gone by now but I really need you near me too keep my mind off the edge.

If I wanted to leave, I would have left by now, but you're the only one that knows me, better than I know myself.

So please, I beg you, don’t let me go. Because I’d never let you go.

Love,

JiYong

Day 60

When SeungHyun woke up, the first person he thought of was JiYong. Surprisingly, his throat was not parched, probably because JiYong made sure to give SeungHyun water every day. SeungHyun scanned the room and when he could not find what he was looking for, he started to climb out of his bed. As he sat up terribly slowly, he heard the room door open followed by a cup dropping on the floor. SeungHyun looked up to see a pair of stunned hazel eyes looking at him in disbelief. The adorable pair of eyes was filled with longing and loneliness it almost hurt to look in to them.

Instinctively, SeungHyun stretched out his arm to JiYong. SeungHyun may not know what happened, but it was his duty to comfort his boyfriend when his boyfriend was hurt. The person who collapsed into his arms was so wrecked he could feel his heart breaking into a million pieces.

“A-Am I dreaming?” JiYong choke out through his wails into SeungHyun’s shirt.

“I could pinch you if you want, but I don’t want to hurt you some more.” SeungHyun soothing voice made JiYong cry even harder to SeungHyun’s surprise. It has been such a long time since JiYong heard his voice.

“Just how long have I been a sleep?” SeungHyun queried.

“2-2 months. Which m-means 60 days, which means 1,440 hours, which means 86,400 minutes, which means 5,184,000 seconds. T-That was how long you m-made me w-wait! I-I thought y-you were going to l-leave me. I t-thought you were n-never going to wake up.” JiYong stuttered out through his sobbing.

“I’m sorry for making you wake so long but I’m awake now aren’t I?” SeungHyun said as he pulled JiYong closer to him. JiYong was now sitting in between the legs of SeungHyun, face buried in SeungHyun’s chest. His body was trembling as he took in another breath.

JiYong sniffed as he looked up at SeungHyun’s face. The pair of eyes he missed so much was staring back at him. Slowly but surely, they leaned in, lips touching for a slow sweet kiss flooded with longing. Tears ran freely once more.

“I promised you before that I’ll never let you go. And I’ll promise you again. I will never ever let you go.” 

Credits to:

Back To December- Taylor Swift

A Thousand Years- Christina Perri

When You're Gone- Avril Lavigne

Better Then I Know Myself- Adam Lambert

The One that Got Away- Katy Perry