I’m at the playground. Everything was set. The hidden plank cards incase I get all tongue tied. The leftover fireworks and sparkles from home strategically place. 

I can do this. A pep talk. I am the dude. Jessi J and Lee Soonkyu, you two better be right. I gulp down the mineral water as nerves spread like wild fire within me. My palms becoming sweaty and oh the butterflies are flying well.

Hopefully I’ll be fly too. 

I pace up and down like a paranoid rat. Aigoo. I sat down by the same step and my legs shakes anxiously. Whoever said suspense can kill was a very wise man. 

It is doing a terrific job at killing me. 

My head falls into my disgusting palms. Breathing, I got to calm down. No dude got the girl by being a nervous wreck. Right?

The little me ran around my brain screaming. I glance up at the clock of the high school three streets down. 5 more minutes. 5 more minutes.

I bit my lower lip. Listening to Jessi J, I lowered my cap. Shutting my eyes, I inhaled. Held the breath for a moment then exhaling. 

Then I heard the hum of an engine. That should be her. I stood up. Ready to greet her. 

The headlights blinding as she approaches. Her beautiful face revealed as she attempted to park her BMW.

I stood as I watch a rookie proving her status. In the midst of struggling with parallel parking, she stops. Her hands lifted off the steering wheel in anguish. Next, she rolled down the window.

‘Taetae!’ She whined loudly. I giggled at her silly ways and headed towards my love. She exited and gladly let me sit in her place. Swiftly in one attempt, the car was parked. I locked her baby and gave her a smug look as I returned her keys. 

Just as I was about to somewhat guide her to the special spot, she grabs my hand. Startled, my body forgets to face her. ‘Today it seems a little too dark there.’ Of course it is dark. Who looks at fireworks with lights? Aish. 

However, I sensed her fear. I wouldn’t want her to be distracted as I became her dude. ‘Alright.’ I scanned the surrounding. Now what do I do? 

‘What is it that you wanted to talk about?’ I finally turned around and blankly stared at her innocent question mark.

‘Well.’ What were the words?

‘Well?’ 

My mouth opened and closed without a single word being uttered out. Her eyebrows furrow together as she watches my imitation of a fish out of the water. Get it together, Kim Taeyeon. 

‘I...’ Her eyes staring straight at mine. Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have wanted her full attention. My throat felt dry. In respond, I let out more co2 at her face. 

‘I like you.’ She nods her head. ‘Yea. I like you too.’ She smiles widely. She is totally clueless. ‘Yea...’ I scratched the back of my head. ‘But...’ My hands tried to form some kind of gesture to help. She looks on like I’m one fail Charlie Chaplin.

Somehow, I am now pointing at her. ‘You.’ Her eyes widen and focus on it, so I retracted my finger. Forgot that she hates being pointed at. ‘I.’ I pointed my finger at myself. 

‘Are not alone.’ The little me in my mind has officially crashed. Ambulance. Hello Ambulance. Brain dead victim here. ‘Of course. We have all 9 of us together.’ She giggled like I am being silly. 

‘I am silly.’ She stops laughing and looks at me. Confusion back on full display. 

‘I am silly. I am a silly person. I...can’t find the words. I don’t know the words. I want to do it like a dude but there aren’t many resounding examples of them for reference.’ Her face showed concern. 

‘This is not an early mid-life crisis.’ At that I felt traces of saliva as she burst out in laughter. I bounced up and down at the same spot. 

She isn’t getting it. I’m not getting anywhere. 

Suddenly, my brain decided to make my body bend 90 degrees and to shout, ‘Please be my girlfriend.’ I didn’t dare get up. Squeezing my eyes in embarrassment, my teeth clenched together. Although I’m standing, I couldn’t be sure my legs are still there. 

During the moment of hiding behind my eyelids, I prayed. Prayed not for that she will say yes. I just prayed for things to not become awkward. That was all I kept asking for. 

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‘Why can’t you just understand? It is work. We are in the same line of work. Come on.’   Why was she piss? What does she not get? The fact that I am angry she leaned against a male? What is there not to get?

 ‘I only leaned against him! I didn’t even hug him!’  Argh. We both turned away from each other. Our heads both steaming. 

This is our fights alright. It was intense in our heated arguments as well as in our childish ways.  

‘Fine. If you can’t take it then we can always go back to being friends. I’m not going to change. The work I do is my dream. If you can’t get that then go.’ 

Great. I heaved a huge sigh. What is this? The fifth break up in this month alone. 

Who does that? I swing back around. Who breaks up this often and get back together like this?’ 

The tension sizzled between us. I felt her eyes stabbing my back. This wasn’t how things are suppose to be. It wasn’t. 

‘Taetae.’ She was no longer speaking with that venom in her tone. I felt her hands resting gently on my shoulders. ‘I know you understand. I know you. So be my man. Trust me.’ 

Her eyes, they speak with great conviction. My volcano was put to sleep by them. ‘But you and I knows he likes you.’ I mumbled while facing the floor. 

‘So. Be a bigger man. I’m not going anywhere.’ My left foot rubs against the floor. ‘But I’m not a dude.’ She giggles and uses her right forefingers to lift up my head. 

‘No you aren’t.’ With that she kisses me. ‘But you are my girl.’ I smiled at her. Hugging her by the waist. 

Yup. I’m her girl.