I waited on the table, slightly irritated with my belating wife. This was not my favorite way to spend time. Especially after a day like today's. First there was argument in school and apparently all teachers feel that it's my job to solve their problems. Then naturally I had a brawl with my father at home, the usual - whether we should or should not have kids right now. Cap it all my wife called, informing me about the forgotten family meeting. That was just . . . Great!
I took out my phone and stared at it for a second. Do I call him now? Or should I let my wife know first that I wouldn't be able to go home this night? I decided on the second and sighing put the device away. Lately everything was getting on my nerves. To the point where I actually wanted to scream out and run away.
It was around seven p.m. and the restaurant was full with lovely-dovely couples. Giggling, kissing, watching each other lovingly. I could just throw up.
I guess, I was a love hater. Always been one actually. If since childhood you know that you won't love your wife there isn't much to expect from the future. And naturally I always knew the love wasn't part of the plan. Hm, maybe if I had asked why my parents would have explained that to me, but what do I care? It's a fact! With time the things got worse and it made the little "L" word banned from my mind and heart. In high school everyone suddenly got girlfriends. The "cute little Taeminni" as they used to call me was left alone and labeled as nerd. I didn't want it to be like this and it deffinetly wasn't my fault for having "You-always-have-to-be-on-top"- parents. What do They care? As much as I hate them I was envious. My life was hell. If it wasn't for . . .

- Jjooong~ - a giggle brought me out of my thoughts. I peeped at the table where it came from and saw the very reason why I hate public places - a couple. They were cuddling, snickering, sharing kisses occasionally. On top of that  they were both male! Right now one of them was whispering something in the others ear. Of course I couldn't hear what but let me tell you - by the way it made the former blush and bit his lower lip, everybody could tell it wasn't anything appropriate. Damn the tolerance!
- What are you looking at, honey? - familiar voice asked me and I turned around to see "the love of my life". Evidently today she had decided to impress me, remind me what I' missing or some other , thus her appearance was astonishing. I eyed her from head to toe, appreciating the chestnut locks falling freely around bare shoulders, reaching the silk dress which covered her perfect figure. The whole thing made my mind wondering if I should stay home tonight after all.
Of course she noticed all of this and sat down with a little smirk playing on her rosy lips.
- You look beautiful - I smiled.
- Thank you. I think so too - she replied in brief.
- Yeah. So . . . You wanted to have a meeting? - not giving up I smiled again trying to easy  the atmosphere. She was weird for the past month. Ever since that mail got out. She said she didn't read it, but come on!
- A family meeting, yes - my wife nodded - And I didn't "want it" we Planned it a week ago, remember - I shrugged off, what was the point to lie? My so wanted to be out of here! - Well, it's not important if you don't. Father told me about your little argument - ' If you call yelling and trowing stuff at each other little, be it' - Don't you think we should at least talk about it? I know kids are no joke but we have been together for five years and thinking . . .
Her voice was slowly trailing off as my mind drifted away from this reality.
- Keeey - just to land into another - Babebabe don't do that . . . AH, wait a little - I could clearly hear the other table. It seemed they were having So Much Fun they wanted to share it with the rest of the world.
- I'm impressed you can still talk about waiting Jjongie. I told you to stay home today. I could have cooked something for us - yup, that would have been sooo much better - for them and for me. Go get a room already!
- But I wanted to take you out today and the food ... Mmmph - he was interrupted. By what I don't wanna know. Am I the only one that can hear them? Wait, the other tables are occupied by couples too.
- Taemin? - I was snapped back by my now looking mixed-up lifemate - Are you Ok? Your face is pale and you look as if you weren't listening to me a moment ago - ' `Cause I wasn't ` I wanted to reply her. Instead:
- I'm fi . . .
- Let's go, huh? We will have dessert at home - his voice  went lower but DAMN I could still hear it - In our bedroom . . . On the bed.
- Bummie , can I just have you?
- Taemin!
Once again - back in the real world. I realized I was standing. She was looking at me with (fake) concern in the green eyes.
- Are you ok?
- Y-ye . . .No! I'm sorry darling but lets stop here today. I don't feel so good and I still have to return in the school for the paperwork.
- You won't be coming back tonight? - she raise one eyebrow
- N-no - I could feel the guilt in my stomach as I saw the accusation in her eyes - I'm sorry. I will come early tomorrow,ok ?We can continue this conversation then . . . We can think about it more thoroughly?
- Mhm . . . - she wasn't convinced but nevertheless gave up - All right, I guess. . .
Relived, with one little peck on her lips I finally got out of the hell! 

*    *    *

It was already dark when I reached his apartment. The apartment house was in one of the best quarters in Seoul and probably had cost him a small fortune. But who are we to worry about things like money?
I came in, bowed to the door-keeper and made my way to his door. A knock. Nothing.
Was he out?
Aish, it really wasn't my day. Regardless the expensive suit I sat down in the corridor. He never gave me a key. I leaned against the cool wall, feeling the coldness gradually calming me down. With one little sigh I let my thoughts free.

' I still remember that day ten years ago. I was fifteen and just had decided that was enough. Enough living baby, see you next time! It wasn't something sad. These were the facts - I couldn't live like that anymore. My whole family was looking after me, examinating everything and everyone I got close with - my friends, the girls I liked, the teachers I admired. As result everyone drifted away from me. By that time I had no friends, hadn't had a girlfriend and no one would even spare me a glance. They were all scared or disgusted.
I was thinking for awhile now : How should I end my life? Hanging or gobbling up a lot of pills would probably hurt and as rich as I am I couldn't possibly find myself a pistol. So the only one left was Jumping - it shouldn't hurt if it's done right. Ok, jumping it is! But "From where?" another question appeared?  The building should be high enough so I would die for and instant and public places were undesirable. It took me long time finding the answer. Long enough for Minho to find out.
At the first moment he just stared at me in disbelieve. Then he hugged me tightly :" Why Tae?" - he whispered - "Hey, don't do that, okay? Please please don't even think about it! I . . . I would never leave you! I would be always here, will be yours so please live. Please live Taemin. Live!" - he repeated the verb so many times that it got stuck in my head. I can still remember his words. "Live, living, life", it didn't meter to me. But I couldn't say "No". Not when I looked in his eyes and saw the tears. I catch myself promising : "Ok, I will. I will live so please stop crying!"
Sigh.
Minho you know I live just because you told me to, right? It's all your fault!
Of course he complied his pledge. Never living me, always being there, holding my hand. Maybe that was the time it started.
Love.
Back in high school he was so . . . Great! Good looking, smart, kind, the school basketball star. My one and only friend. Minho was the first and the last person I loved. All the same if it was you're-my-best-friend love or hey-I'm-gay love. I couldn't tell the difference.
One afternoon he kissed me. It was an odd sensation really, so after it I hurried back home and locked myself in my room. I was confused. But later in the night the thought that the one I loved stole my first kiss gave me pleasure. I wanted him to take all my firsts. It was way better than giving it to some stranger.
Our relationship continued to grow closer and stronger. We shared kisses and had during all remaining years of high school. To my surprise we didn't stop after the graduation. Neither after college or after I announced my engagement. We've never stopped. Here I am now waiting, for the only person that have some meaning.
I was free with him. I could be fragile as I want, could cry, could scream and laugh. I could do everything that my destiny didn't allow me to.
My heart still loves only him. My mind doesn't understand want kind of love is it and still doesn't bother with the question. It's enough to know I'm living because he told me to. Only because of him I don't want to die. Not yet. Not anymore. '

- Hey, sleepy head, wake up! - one gentle shake opened my eyes. I was still in the corridor, probably had fallen asleep while waiting.
- Minho? - I saw the taller man standing above, smiling.
- Yep, who else did you expect? - he helped me get up and opened the door for me to enter.
It was very neat like always, the light scent of flowers fondling my senses. I liked that house. It wasn't big or very luxurious since the owner didn't like sophisticated technology that only take up place and create more problems than conveniences. If I have to be brief I'd say - simple, but very cozy. Every single thing reminded of Minho. It was so much different from mine.
I took a deep breath while he was preparing some drinks in the kitchen. It was great to feel how the problems were slowly stepping out of my mind.
- So - he came in and approached me - Bad day?
I, already sitting comfortably on the couch, looked up at him and grinned taking the glass from his hands.
- Not really, just the usual. I quarreled with my father again. 'Bout the kids, you know the story.
His eyes stiffened. Not long ago we have silently agreed that it would be our limit. After the kids were born "we" wouldn't exist anymore, it would be Taemin and Minho - two childhood friends, slowly drifting away.
- Yes, I know - he sat next to me and let my head fall on his shoulder - Did you surrendered at last?
- Haha - laughter - Of course not! I would not become father yet.
However deep in me something whispered "You will soon. You know you have to carry out the expectations of everyone". I pressed myself closer to the others body in attempt to deaden the voice.
- You will be, okay - Minho said, understanding my thoughts and folding me in his arms. I didn't look up, didn't even open my eyes. We both knew what will happen so I guess postponing it wasn't doing us any good.
Soon I was in his bedroom, lying down on the bed, watching as he unbidden my necktie before undressing me from the shirt. Hot kisses were trailed everywhere I could feel. His voice whispering in my ear over and over again "It's fine", "It would be ok" and soon fading in my screams as he put himself in me. I loved those times - it was like he could fill up my emptiness with his heart and save me from the despair I was living in. Loving me and kissing me, repairing me from my wounds. It was only for an hour or so, but it was like water to me - I couldn't make it so far if not for this.
When I felt the drawing near, I finally opened my eyes too look at his. And froze. Then pleasure took over erasing everything, pulling me into oblivion. I grinned at the warmth of his body. Before long we fell asleep.

The bed was cold when I woke up. It was still dark outside so I just rolled up into a ball in attempt to warm up. Minho wasn't in the room.
I didn't want to go back after a night like this. Didn't want to deal with the school, my family or my wife. My life was so complicated. Maybe I could just stay with Minho forever? Wait for him in this apartment, took the warmth he was giving me every night. Maybe we could even be happy?
Then it hit me - I remembered the gaze he gave me that time. Tears! Haven't seen him crying since so long. Since that day ten years ago.
Questions started rolling in my mind : Do I hurt him? Am I a problem to him? Can't we be together? Should we separate? Was it this time already?
A thought that was in my mind for some time came up. And I finally faced it.

That time in the darkness of the room, in the silence, alone, for the first time in my life a made a decision. The hardest one.



--- 2 weeks later ---

I was lying on his bed again, watching his figure wondering around the room. ' How can he still move after like this?' I thought as he bended down to take an abandoned blouse and put it on the near chair.
My eyes sank in his back, admiring the long black hair, the board shoulders. Even the perfect ! Who I am to feel embarrassed about it?
I should do it now, right? Sighing:
- Minho?
- Yes? - turning around he looked at me. My though went dry as I met his big eyes. Would it be my last time looking at them? An unexpected sadness woke up.
- Hyung, I'm leaving tomorrow - eventually my mough began to talk. 'Please understand, please.'
- Ah? Ok? For how long? - he just asked before continuing his doing form before. I guess he was thinking it was a business trip or something.
- Wll . . . Forever?


--- 1 more week later ---

No one knew where was I. Initially, that was the plan. I didn't want anyone to mess up with my escaping. And I didn't want anyone from before in my "new life".
That I was thinking for a month or so. The life I had been living just couldn't continue anymore. It had gotten so hard to the point were it was - Me or It.
 
Only Minho knew about the decision before I took my bags and leave. He was shocked of course but nevertheless accepted it. I think he thought about it too - how we should not live this way.
Living for someone else is not right! You can't make a person your reason or your freedom and if you do it only brings you pain and lies. Somewhere I had read "How can you and I be "We" before being "I" ". I guess it was right. Me and Minho could have had something real. If only we weren't so obsessed with the very fact of each-other's existence. Now everything was lost.

- Hey mister wait! - I heart (a familiar voice). A beautiful boy was standing in front looking at me thought his feline eyes - Here you go! - he smiled and pushed in my hand some booklet, then bypassed me shouting at someone.
- Jonghyun you are Not doing it right!
I looked at what he had given me. It was an ad of some book.
- "The way to heaven".

It's so late already but I wanted to post it. There will be some mistakes or some bad sounding words. . .

It was so hard to write from Taemin pov. I thought it would be easier .

I couldn't stop myself and included some Jongkey. ^^^

Comment pleaaase.