I will always watch him from the corner. At his wedding I promised myself this.
Watching him happy is enough, don't get me wrong. He's made to be there and not here with me. To hold her hand and not mine, to touch her, kiss her, to be her man. I understand that. Graceful like a dancing star and tender like a winter sun he couldn't possibly be with me. Not in a million years could I have such perfect creature. He's far above me.And people can't go to heaven alive.


I love him. But I don't expect anything in return.
I love him. But he doesn't love me.
'I love him. I love him. I LOVE HIM! ' - the screams in my mind wake me up. His heart was so near in this dream. I reached for it but let it fall in the last moment.
In the middle of the night, I sit on my bed and start waiting. It won't be this night for sure. Maybe tomorrow, or the day after that. Don't know but I'll wait. Wait for him to come and kiss me. Wait so I can hold him and scream his name out loud.
He will come. Will come for sure. And love me for un hour.
However I don't dare call his phone number. Honestly - I'm scared. What of his wife pick up? What if he told me he can't come? What if he get mad at me disturbing his perfect life with my selfishness?
My head hurts as I close my eyes and prey for some sleep. But no dreams, thank you! If I dream he will be there. And it will just hurt more.


' Taeminnie . . .
How did I let myself in this trap, I wonder. It was so long ago I no longer remember the start. Was it when I first met you? Or when you smiled? Not at me, but at the girl on your left. God, were you beautiful or what? Then, Taemin, you spoke to me and I fell in love. I fell in love for the first time. I'm sure it will be the last.
Can't help but laugh looking back. I was the popular boy, a jock, a lady killer and you were . . . Well, secretly you were the wet dream of everyone. But no one had ever taken courage to approach you. Taemin, the principle's son, the shy boy on the fist row, the school president, the nerd later on when we were in high school.
I wounder if it was painful for you back then. Maybe it was, maybe not. You used to say that you were happy as long as I was your friend. You were so afraid I would leave you since everyone was telling me to do it. You didn't understand, did you? It was impossible for me to leave your side. It still is. My everything is being you friend.
Remember when I kissed you? In my room, during our studying session. It was clumsy, sure didn't feel good. For you. For me it was heaven. Neither of us said anything then.
But after a month I repeated. So shocked when you returned the kiss, my mind immediately went blank. You open you mouth and let my tongue slip between the pink lips, tasting, feeling, loving. Was it game? You never said anything so I never asked. I was scared. Like now. '


How pathetic of me! Lying on my bed dreaming about him. The first glance, the first kiss, the first love making. . . and the day he announced he was getting married. I won't say the world collapsed, it didn't. It just stopped. Forever.
' My love, never did I asked you why. Or did you love her. Or were you happy. I think I have always knew the answer : "No". She was chosen from your dad and despite being beautiful and caring towards you, you can't fall in love with someone like that. I knew you wanted to be free. And you knew you can't.
Can I feel a little happy? That's the only reason I'm still living, you know? That's the only reason I'm still needed by you. One hour per week ( per month, per day), you are free in my arms.'
I can't help but remember all of it : Kissing me, giving me his love, whispering in my ear stuff like "I love you. I want to be with you."
Lies?
Actually, no. Not lies, because he's not capable of lying. It's his delusions.
It was me who lied and led him to this path. It was me who made him cry silently in my bed. It was all me.
In the end I couldn't just watch.
' No, no, no, NO! ' - I'm crying.
Please understand - I had to touch him. Like in the past - in my room. I had to! And I did. Later it became my drug, my need, my life saver . . . and his sin.
Dirty him! Dirty his body first, then dirty his mind. I've done everything I can to claim him as mine. It didn't work, though. He's not and he will never be.


Did I got something, you ask? Besides pain and increasing emptiness? Well . . . I have something now. At times I have one fallen angel in my arms and always - one lethal guilt in the heart. Guilt for killing him every time he comes to me.
It's like beast and his prey. He's not for me but I am for him. He's my life, my soul, my heart, my reason. And I have to catch him even though I can't. I can only watch from afar or dirty him.
He won't be mine! Because people can't go to heaven alive.