Final
Never Walk Away
I got a call that said she was gone. My heart was racing, I knew this would be happen again. Without wait any longer I grabbed my backpack running through the hall ignored a called from my friends. Running to my white sedan at parking lot, my phone vibrated. I checked it when I got in my car. It was from her mom said that she already search around their home but nothing. She couldn't be find. It became worse when their maids didn't know for how long she been gone.
The last time she was missing, I found her in train station. Almost took more than three hours until I found her sitting in the floor. Crying. She was crying like a child and people looking weird at her. The scene hurt me so much. And I sat for an hour in front of her to wait her tears stop and to persuade her to go back with me.
I had no idea should searched for her to where right now. She might be in random place but where? Running my hand to my hair, I grabbed it hard. I should found her as soon as possible. Looking around to the street, I didn't even knew where was I now.
Seemed God heard my pray, twenty minutes later I spotted a girl with long white skirt and white cardigan sitting on the street in front of ice cream shop. Her head was on her knees. I couldn't see her face but I knew it must be her. Those petite body and long hair also her clothes were too familiar for me. Parked my car across the street I run to her once got out.
"Jieun." I called her softly when I was in front of her. She remain in her position. Dropped on my knees I called her again. "Lee Jieun." I didn't care with people stared who passed by us.
Raised up her head, she stared at me. Her eyes red and swollen. She must been crying before. Better, at least she already stop crying.
She kept stared at me but said nothing. It wasn't an expressionless face, she was thinking something but I didn't know what she was thinking.
"What are you doing here?" I asked her again. Please, talked something. I pleaded in my heart but I couldn't say it in front of her face.
She closed her beautiful eyes before opened it again. Her eyes were watery. "They hate me, Joonmyun." her voice was so small that I couldn't hear clearly because of car passed by.
"Jie-"
"I TOLD YOU! THEY HATE ME!" out of sudden she yelled at me and starting to cry again held up her knees. "I hate them. Why do they like that to me? Did I do something wrong?" she looked up at me and wiped her runny nose. "Are you going to hate me to? They told me you would."
"No. No, Jieun, I won't. Don't listen to them." I came closer and put my hands around her. My right hand her hair tried to calm her down. "You want to go home with me?"
"My home? I don't want to go there, Joonmyun. Take me somewhere else. Take me to the place that they can't find me." she pleaded. There was a big fear on her eyes. I didn't like it. I wanted it gone from her eyes.
I wish I could do that. I wish I found a place that could make you safe. I wish I could erase your insecure.
Took her hand, I lead him to my car. Before start the engine, I sent a message to her mother, let her knew that I found her and would to take her somewhere before i sent back to home.
I steal a glance to her and found her looking outside. Her hand was gripped hardon a safety belt like she scared of something. Even there was me beside her but she still felt so afraid. All that i could do just to make her felt better.
***
There was something wrong when I step to that white house. I found her, a woman who gave a birth to a girl that I love standing in front of dark brown wooden door. One of her hand was on mouth, tried to not make a sound. Her tiny body trembling. Last time I saw her crying maybe more than two months ago. I knew what she felt because I felt the same. No, what she felt much worse than me.
"Joonmyun .." she called when realize my presence. Wiped her tears quickly, she smiled at me. She tried to hide what she felt behind those smile. "She's not good today. She tried to hurt herself again. She is angry with me."
Hurting herself. It was my biggest fear. I felt like something stab on my chest when I saw her blood on the floor. She cut her own hand. Ot was the last time she tried to hurt herself. And I didn't want to feel it again.
Slowly I walked to the door. My heart pounding so hard when I touched the knob door. Hope there wasn't something worse behind those door.
"Joonmyun." a soft voice called me again from behind. Turned my head behind, I found her sincere smile. "Thank you. Thank you for stay on her side."
I didn't said anything. I couldn't and I didn't know. I just gave her a smile. Told her that I've never regret to stay on her daughter side.
Pillow and bed sheet on the floor. Books, and some of them ripped also on the floor. For some people it should be such a mess but believe me I've seen much worse than this. At least found no blood in this room for now.
I spotted her in the middle of bed. Her head bent down. Her breath hard. I couldn't count how many times I saw this scene. And how many times my heart broke into pieces every time I saw this.
Sat in the edge of bed, I made her raised up her head. There was a red bruise on her forehead. So this was her mother means. She must be slammed her head against the wall. She didn't look hurt by it. Again, her eyes showing her fear, worry, insecure.
"Joonmyun." her voice sounded so desperate that made me want to embraces her. "Why do they keep telling something bad about me? Why they can't leave me alone? My head hurts, not because of this." she pointed on her bruise. "But because I keep heard their voice in my head."
Pulled her into my embraces, I hope it could make her better. Relieve through my body because she accepted my hands. Sometimes she would refuse my hug. Yelling that I should stay away from her because she was a bad person. She would hit and bite me if I still hug her. Honestly I didn't care if she hurt me psychically. But I couldn't stand if she yelling from the top of her lung. It hurt me so much more.
"They are not true, Jieun. I told you, you shouldn't listen to them. You're not bad. They all are wrong." I want to said that what she heard wasn't real but I was afraid it would make her upset. Once I said like that she yelled and threw table side lamp into my direction. She was hurt, sad and angry because I thought she was crazy.
"I tried, Joonmyun. I tried to erase, to not listen what they said but their voice keep lingering on my head. I don't know what to do. I don't understand and I'm afraid. I'm afraid Joonmyun because they told me to die. They said I don't deserve my life. They wanted me to die. Should I die?"
Held her shoulder away, I looked into her eyes. "No! Don't listen to that ing voice, Jieun!" i raised my voice and she seemed lil bit surprise. I was angry but I didn't know what to do. Though I always told her to ignore those voice but I knew she couldn't do anything.
"But ... Although you sing for me and close my ears, I still can hear them. What should I do, Joonmyun?" a hint of desperate could be hear on her voice.
Guilty, I hugged her again. Gladly she didn't refuse it even I just yelled to her. "You can't die, Jieun. You can't."
***
"Are you going to Jongin party, Joonmyun?" Kyungsoo asked as put a tray beside me. Ignored a tray of food in front of me, I kept writing my notes in the middle of canteen. It was notes that I missed when Jieun missing last time.
"We can go together." said Chanyeol who sat across me excitedly.
"I can't guys." I kept writing. No one spoke, I looked up at them. Chanyeol couldn't hide a disappointment in his face. I knew they worried about me. "You know ... Well, have fun."
"Can't you come? At least for some minutes. I know Joonmyun, I can understand. I think you don't do something wrong if you go." Chanyeol's voice smaller in last sentence. I fully understand what he talked about. They always said I need some times for myself.
"Okay, I will come." finally I said. A big smile appeared on their face when I said it. "She is good this morning. So, yeah I think I can come. Moreover it's Jongin's"
"You still with Jieun?" a familiar deep voice from behind made me turned around. A boy with red cap walked to our table and stop right in front of me. He gave me a mocked smile. I hate this guy. "Lucky me. Should I thank to you? Because of you confessed to her first then I have a normal girlfriend now."
"Shut your ing mouth, Taejun. Go away." Chanyeol hissed. I tried to concentrate on my notes but I couldn't. I grabbed my pen hard to suppressed my anger. I didn't want to make a scene here.
"Well, you're good looking honestly. Why don't you leave that crazy girl and search for new hot chick?"
Before I could process my brain, that bastard already under me on the floor. My hand couldn't stop to give a punch on his face. I didn't care with people who watching us. I heard girls were screaming because they saw a blood. Yes, I didn't know from where I got this strength. I saw blood in his face but I couldn't stop until I felt someone pulled me back.
"You ing crazy like your girlfriend!" he shouted at me. If only someone who pulled me wasn't strong enough I had to kick or punch him more. Chanyeol and Kyungsoo pulled me to outside canteen. I felt people staring at me but I didn't ing care. I known as a good student and they knew me had a good temper but not today. I really didn't care with my image now.
"You! You nearly kill him, Joonmyun." said Kyungsoo when we were on the hall.
"I wish I kill him." my hand hurt but it didn't hurt like my heart.
"Just ignore him, can you? You know he's an ." Chanyeol said and tapped my shoulder.
I turned around face him. If only they weren't my friend I must be punch them right now. "Ignore you said?! He ing said that Jieun is crazy and told me to leave her!"
"Joonm-"
"True that she has a mental problem! But she isn't crazy!" I cut them off. "Can you feel what she feel?! Can you stand to hear people talked bad about you in your head but it isn't real!"
My girlfriend, Lee Jieun, she had Schizophrenia. It started when she always worried. She said she heard someone talk to her but it was only her delusion. It became worse until her mother brought her to psychiatrist. She was angry because she thought we think she was crazy. Each day she became more desperate and frustrated. Often she was upset but she didn't what to do then ended by hurt herself. She was afraid to sleep because didn't want to hear those voice. Once we should took her to hospital because of drug overdose. She drank more than ten pills because she was paranoid.
"How do you feel when you are normal and suddenly you have a mental disorder? What will you do if your head hurt because of something isn't real? Will you slammed you head against wall or cut your hand to feel pain and make it gone? What will you do if you keep hear people tell you to die? What will you do?!"
My legs weaken, I dropped on floor. I didn't want to cry but I couldn't hold it. I though I was strong enough but I was wrong.
"She is afraid but I'm more afraid. I'm afraid someday she will follow it. I can't do anything. You know, looked her in a pain but I can't do anything. I wish she can share those pain or she can give it to me."
"My heart stop beating when I knew she was drug overdose. I couldn't think when I got a call that she was missing. Every time I stepped to her room I just hope there was something wrong there. At least there wasn't something worst. My heart broke into pieces when she asked me if she should die."
Now they were on the floor with me. I knew my face should be ridiculous right now. I had never been crying in front of them but I was tired. I couldn't hold it.
"You know her before. How she bright was. How she cheerful was. But now ... Those side was gone. And just because of it, should I leave her?"
"I don't care if I should spend rest of my life for worrying her. Sometimes I feel tired. But I can't leave her. I can't walk away."
***
I opened her door slowly. Sitting in the middle of room, there was a canvas in front of her and paintbrush on her hand. The white canvas already filled with some colors. But mostly were dark colors. I couldn't understand what she was trying to paint but she seemed enjoyed it.
"Hi." i greeted her. She turned around and gave me a weak smile. "How do you feel?"
"Better. I still heard those voice but I tried to ignore it like you'd always said. That's why I try to express my feeling here." she pointed her brush to the canvas. "Mom gave me this morning."
My heart lighten, I smiled wider. I feel nothing but happy, at least she could do something. I was so happy because she tried even though it must be hard but she tried.
"Joonmyun." she called me softly. She stared to my eyes. I couldn't guess what she thinking. "Thank you."
She took my hand with both of her hands. I urge my eyes to not drop a tears. I didn't want to cry, not in front of her. I stepped forward and gave a kiss on her forehead. I promised to myself, I would never walk away.
I was sitting at McDonald's when I wrote this.
I'm acknowledge about Schizophrenia but I wrote based a story that I heard when I watched a talk show.
So I'm sorry if there was a mistakes.
enjoy ^__^
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