Dear Leeteuk-hyung,

I hope you're doing well and I miss you already. I wanted to share a story with you of something that happened to me today, and see what you think of what I did. Maybe you'll laugh at me. Maybe you won't. 

This morning, I got up earlier than usual to make a trip to the bank and pick up some breakfast before we started our activities for the day. Due to issues at the bank the last time I went, I wound up with $940 in my wallet that I just never found the time to deposit.

It was cold this morning- no surprise there, since it was the first day of winter and all, and extremely windy. I headed out quietly, so as not to disturb Kyuhyun. You know how he gets when you wake him up too early in the morning. Anyways, it was still fairly early and I was worried about carrying so much cash in my pocket. Even though I knew the route I was taking fairly well and the bank wasn’t that far away from the dorm, I still walked as quickly as possible, with my face ducked in my scarf to hide it from the wind.

“Excuse me,” a voice called and I stopped and looked up on reflex. A man was sitting at that bus stop we pass every single morning and he nodded at me. “Do you have anything I could eat? Anything at all?”

“I-I’m sorry,” I stammered. “I don’t have any food on my right now.” He looked disappointed and I hurried on my way.

As soon as I turned away, I felt this pit in my stomach, though I wasn't sure why. That man looked to be about my father’s age, but he had clearly seen much harder times. His jacket wasn’t suited for the winter months. Had he been barefoot? I couldn’t even remember. No, wait, he was wearing shoes, but there was a hole in one of them. And I had just walked right past him, me, an international idol with $940 in my pocket, wearing a coat and scarf that most people would need to save up months to pay for.

I tried to brush these thoughts out of my head. I didn't have any food with me and that wasn't my fault. Besides, it’s not like I’ve never seen pan-handlers and hobos before. Every city has them, most people consider them a nuisance and blame them for their own situation. Usually, I ignore them. I tried to tell myself that on any other day, he would have been one of thousands of faces that I just pass by in the street and never remember again. And he clearly hadn’t recognized me, either; I was just one of thousands of people who walked by him every day as well.

I made my deposit and walked to the bakery next door. The warmth and sweet smell of fresh bread were a welcome contrast to the cold weather outside. I asked for plain bagels, yes toasted, no cream cheese. When they asked me how many I wanted, I hesitated…and asked for an extra one.

I’m not sure why my stomach was churning so badly as I headed back towards the dorm, towards the bus stop. I’ve been on stage more times than I can remember and I’ve performed in front of thousands of screaming fans, TV cameras… He looked slightly amused as I approached him, slowing my step and reaching a trembling hand into my bag.

“Is that coffee in there?” he asked.

“Uh…n-no, I didn’t’ get coffee,” I stuttered. “B-but…would you like a bagel?” I pulled one out, grateful that they were packaged separately, and held it out to him.

His face lit up as he took the still steaming box from my hand. “Thank you,” he said. "Thank you very much." 

"You’re welcome. Happy holidays.”

Again, I quickly turned and hurried away, but not before I heard him call, “You too, young man.”

This sounds like the part of the story where I glance over my shoulder and see that he has vanished and realize that I’d been talking to a ghost, or something. But no, he was still sitting on the bus stop bench, opening the box I’d just given him.

I wondered if he was disappointed that I hadn’t brought him coffee. I wondered if he would be upset with just a plain bagel. I wondered if he wouldn’t give a damn because he was hungry enough to eat anything.

I wondered why I was still thinking about him as I opened the door to the dorm and took my boots off.

Tomorrow, he’ll just be one of a thousand faces that I pass by as I walk down the street. I know I won’t remember what he looked like, even if I do see him again, and I doubt he’ll remember me. I feel a little foolish for buying him anything at all. A part of me is telling me that I could have ignored him, that someone else would have helped him. But another part of me is telling me that I did the right thing. That I can spare a few bucks to buy a man a bagel. That everyone thinks the way the first part of me does and we need more random acts of kindness in the world.

So what do you think, Leeteuk-hyung? Am I selfish for feeling conflicted? What would you have done?

Forever your dongsaeng,

Sungmin