Midnight
Midnight
It was dark inside. How many stories start with that? But it really was. There was no power cut, it was just midnight. And the bassist refused to turn on the lights as his fingers skillfully traced over the instrument he was holding. Electric guitars were something. He was happy to have the sound directed to his ears through his headphones because it allowed him to practice late at night. The room he was in was so dark that he wouldn't be able to tell if there was anyone else present in it. And Jaejin preferred it that way. His eyes were closed in a relaxed manner as he continued repeating the same chorus time and time again. On stage he needed to look excited, self confident and what not. Right now there was no pressure. He took a deep breath and allowed his back to curl a little bit.
There was one thing the bassist player hadn't accounted for. His music, though only very lightly, wasn't only heard through his headphones. Outside the door someone was listening to the beautiful music. The same as every night that the bassist performed this ritual the other didn't come in but just sat there, leaning against the wall. He had a desire to go inside but he never did it. It felt like this room was only Jaejin's when he was playing like this. No one ever went in, as if it wasn't allowed. For how long now? The man could hardly remember. Was it before he had noticed Jaejin that the younger one was already slipping away into his own world at night? Or was it after..
"Yah.. Jaejin you're so sleepy lately. How are we going to perform on stage well if you have bags under your eyes the size of Minhwan's face?" Hongki taunted the bassist during their breakfast. The drummer shot Hongki a glare as he was teasing him again since his face hadn't been found that small on variety shows. What followed was a short mental combat between the two that ended with Hongki stating that he was the boy's hyung and that he shouldn't talk back to him. Jonghun sat at the table calmly and played with his cereals. He hadn't been sleeping that well either but Hongki didn't dare poke fun of his hyung given the mood that he was in. When the subject threatened to change again to Jaejin and his eyes, Jonghun raised his voice and told Hongki not to bother him. Nothing about Jaejin gave away he even heard Jonghun. He didn't smile and thank him, he didn't look up and made eye contact with Jonghun. He didn't even freeze shortly. No, the only thing that gave away that Jaejin heard the other which was only noticed by Jonghun, was the lightest stirring of his spoon when he scooped it full with his cereals.
Five minutes later the bassist realized that he wasn't hungry and left the table. Hongki attempted to complain but became silent quickly he felt Jonghun's agitation. So the breakfast now continued with four people at the table. Only one of them knew where Jaejin had gone and he didn't follow after him. Ten minutes later there was no more time for breakfast and for the most part the members were dragged off to practice. Seunghyun excepted, he had to leave for a variety show. Jaejin was still in the dorm. For as long as he could Jonghun wandered around, trying to stop in front of the room to hear Jaejin. He wasn't playing right now. What was he doing then? But Jonghun wasn't allowed to wail there. Hongki found it suspicious. Jonghun quickly moved from his spot so that they wouldn't enter Jaejin's sanctuary. 'Tonight.' He thought to himself as he joined the others in calling Jaejin's name.
Practice. Practice. Minhwan's drumming slipped more than a few times and Hongki, though he was preaching to Minhwan, was off cue every once in a while. Yet they still kept going. Every now and then Jonghun stole a glance at the bassist. The younger boy wasn't there. Physically he was but his mind was off somewhere. And Jonghun wanted to find him again. Desperately he wanted the younger boy to come to him. Instead he stayed there and played.
"It's useless today isn't it?" Minhwan was the first one to dare and mention it. "Seunghyun isn't here and.. It's not going that well with me.." Jonghun nodded. He was relieved the boy had brought it up. Though Hongki had one and a half sentence of protest he was relieved too. Jaejin didn't even say anything but he put down his bass and brushed a hand through his hair, sighing. He was too tired. Jonghun was closeby him but he never came too close.
He longed to hold the younger one, a craving that was always present. But he couldn't and he knew that. It saddened him that the bassist had strayed from him in the short time. Their relationship had been over before it even began it seemed, at least to Jonghun it felt that way. Every night he didn't spend listening to the younger he spend imagining the slender and cold fingers of the younger boy on his body. The short giggles he had let out sometimes and the sparkle in his eyes. Jaejin avoided him. Not as much physically because it was hardly possible, but he had locked the elder out completely and hardly ever spoke when he was around. This pained Jonghun the most. Didn't he even want to share the sound of his voice with him? Jonghun had looked up clips of them online to hear it but after a while he had given up. It wasn't the same. It wasn't the Jaejin he wanted to hear.
Jaejin had fled again and Jonghun sat in the living room, waiting for the miracle he knew wouldn't come. Minhwan and Hongki were around too so it would be too suspicious if he tried to eavesdrop on Jaejin's secret rituals. Since they were paying very little attention to him Jonghun allowed his thoughts to go back to the younger boy. There hadn't been a reason for them to break up. Not one that he knew off. Both of them had been hesitant at the start of their relationship but Jonghun thought it was something they would overcome. He shook his head lightly and closed his eyes, locking the thought out. There had been no reason for them to break up. Unless Jaejin really didn't love him. He had never said it after all.. His actions Jonghun had thought to be signals to him that he did even if he didn't say it. When he gave him a small, secretive smile, when he shortly leaned his head on the elders shoulder and for an even shorter time pressed their cheeks together. Yes those things had convinced Jonghun that their relationship had a shot if they took their time. Apparently Jaejin had disagreed. The boy hadn't said a word. He had only taken Jonghun's hand in his and looked up at him with sad eyes before raising the other's hand and blowing a kiss to it. Jonghun knew it was over that moment and he hadn't protested. Often he thought of what might have happened if he had. What if he had gripped Jaejin's hand in his tightly and yanked the younger closer to him? A shiver ran over his spine as he thought of it. No. It hadn't happened. It was for the best if he just stopped thinking about it, only the thoughts never left him completely.
That night Jaejin played again all by himself and Jonghun was there. In the darkness he had been there for a while. When he was sure everyone else slept he had turned off all the lights outside and sneakt into the room to be closer to Jaejin. It had felt so sweet when he did. The air was filled with something magical and he got addicted to it. A few feet he had crouched closer to Jaejin, who didn't hear or didn't want to hear him as he was playing. The bassist had been so close that night. So close that Jonghun could have been by his side in less that a second. But he did nothing except hide in a shadowy corner to enjoy just being near Jaejin.
The closer he came to the boy, the further he felt away from him. Maybe it was because he was so desperate to be near the other. When he stayed away he could imagine he didn't need to be ever closer to the boy but he couldn't back off anymore. Jaejin's attraction over him became stronger when he was closer to him, thus Jonghun stayed closer to the boy. Jaejin didn't respond to this actively but seemed a little tense. Hongki made jokes about it but he was the only one who broke the heavy tension that hung between the two boys. It didn't make it worse but it also didn't make it any better.
Jaejin didn't play the next night. He only sat in the room and looked at the window, thinking about things Jonghun couldn't even imagine. Jonghun was there too, Jaejin's shadow as he had been that day. Even though Jaejin must have heard him enter the room, he couldn't stay away. Jaejin didn't acknowledge the elder's presence at first. His feet were dangling over the floor, Jonghun noticed. It was a difference from when the boy was playing. When he played his feet were stuck to the ground. Now they were dangling. Jonghun slowly took step after step as he couldn't help himself from being drawn to the boy.
"I know.." Jaejin whispered in a light voice. The first thing Jonghun had heard him say in weeks. He was only two feet away. Another step. His steps were becoming smaller as he came closer to the younger. Jaejin's right hand that had laid on his lap slowly raised up from it and would against the back of the seat. Jonghun wanted to take it in his own but instead slipped his hand into Jaejin's smaller hand. The bassist trembled lightly but didn't pull away. He closed his hand around Jonghun's fingers. Jonghun let his hand slide down over Jaejin's chest, then to the left side of his waist so he was holding him. Jaejin's breathing hitched and Jonghun knew that the younger was crying. His other hand moved into the other hand that Jaejin offered him. In what seemed ages he had both his arms wrapped around the younger.
Jaejin sobbed softly while he seemed to be whispering, but Jonghun didn't understand him. Instead he pressed his face against Jaejin's neck and inhaled the sweet scent that he had missed more than he realized. Why was there a chair inbetween them? Jonghun's grip tightened.
"Wait.." Jaejin whispered in his weak voice. Jonghun didn't want to wait, but what Jaejin did was worth loosening his hold for two seconds for. Jaejin rose from his chair and wrapped his arms tightly around Jonghun's neck, sobbing loudly as he pressed his face against his hyung's neck. "I tried really hard. I tried to pretend it wasn't true.. I tried to be.. Hetero.. I just.. I can't.." He somehow managed to stammer. Jonghun nodded lightly and only squeezed Jaejin harder in his hold.
"They didn't say it but they were thinking it.. I know how Hongki looked at me. How he still looks at me. He's so disgusted. And Seughyun.. He avoids me Jonghun.. We used to be so close.. I didn't want that to change. I thought maybe if I..-" Jonghun didn't let him finish his sentence and instead did what he had wanted to do for a long time. His lips covered Jaejin's perfectly as he pressed and pulled as close as he could. Jaejin's salty tears were there in the kiss, so clear for him to taste. He ignored them and moved his hands over Jaejin's back in a way he hoped to be comforting for the younger. Scolding Hongki wouldn't help, he knew. He would still look down on Jaejin, though he was afraid of Jonghun. He would find a way to bully Jaejin.
"We'll go.. We'll leave.." He whispered as he caressed the boy's cheeks when he finally let up to let Jaejin catch his breath. "Just you and me. We don't need them.. Please, just.. Let's go tonight. If I can't hold you in my arms as I long too, I think I'll die.." Jaejins eyes that were moist again overflowed with tears that made a river on his cheeks.
"Never die.. I can't live if you're not here.." He whispered while he tightened his hold as much as he could. Jonghun nodded as he gazed in the younger's eyes. It was dark when they left the room. Dark when Jonghun gathered some of his belongings. He knew there was no way they could keep running for a long time. But if they just managed to get away that would be enough. He squeezed Jaejin's small hand in his own as the walked outside. The unbearable desire to pull the younger in his arms was great but he knew they wouldn't be able to walk if he did. And even though it was night, in Korea there are always people awake and watching. So instead they just held hands as they walked. A few blocks from their appartment Jonghun withdrew as much money as he could from his bank account. They would be less tracable with cash money, even if they would still be recognized. With a bitterness he grinned as he observed Jaejin. Now it was their miracle that Hongki was the face of the band. True, people knew them, but they were given far less attention.
At three in the morning they got out of a train they had taken. The ride had been long and they were both tired, but it was better than the atmosphere at their home. There were hardly any people on the train and none of them was watching them. To Jonghun's great pleasure Jaejin had leaned his head on his shoulder during the ride. That it was because he was tired and could barely keep his eyes open didn't matter. Jaejin was close to him. Jonghun had a faint plan. This was a wild idea. A stupid idea that in the morning would look even worse than it did now, but it didn't matter. He would take the punishment once they were found and dragged back. Maybe they would be fired. That would be great. Jonghun glanced at the younger boy beside him and then smiled before taking a picture of the two of them, Jaejin half asleep. That picture would be his treasure. The proof that he and Jaejin never ended. They would always come back to each other even if they weren't allowed to. That was a comforting thought.
So Jonghun had hope as they walked over the deserted station. It was a smaller town. His grandparents lived here. Jonghun's plan wasn't to visit them. No. They had a little house in the mountains. A place they hardly ever went to because their age had made it hard for them to walk up the path of the mountain. That was the perfect place. They would hide there and Jonghun would sneak down every now and then to buy provisions for them. He'd tell the town folk that he was visiting his grandparents. Maybe he even would one day to satisfy them. Further ahead than that he didn't plan. They would be caught and dragged back by then. In his mind he played with the idea to send the picture to Hongki with the text ' you' underneath it. But he didn't. It would give them away. Jaejin had convinced him to turn off his phone and take out the battery. From the detectives he read that it was truly impossible to trace them if they did so.
The sky was still dark but a little less so when they walked up the path to the mountain. Jonghun knew that meant it was around nine in the morning. He was hungry, and so was Jaejin. They had bought something from a merchant who opened his shop early and probably wouldn't remember them judging by the sleepy look in his eyes but agreed to only eat it when they knew they were safe. As safe as they ever would be. Jaejin had cheered up a bit and Jonghun enjoyed it greatly. The younger was now talking about scenario's they both knew to be impossible, about the two of them leaving the country. Though it was impossible it was a good dream. Jonghun wrapped his arm around the younger when he started getting sleepy again and helped him with the last part of their walk. Walking up mountains is tough enough if you're fully awake and have the sun to shine your way. In the early morning it was nearly impossible but they managed to do it. Power of love, Jonghun couldn't help but wonder. He took a spare key from one of the flower pots and lead them into the small house. Inside it was cold, but not as cold as outside. With some effort Jonghun made a fire in the fireplace before wrapping an old blanket around himself and Jaejin as they stayed in front of the fireplace. The next morning he would try and get some more warmth. Jaejin didn't seem to mind. Just as Jonghun had imagined it countless times Jaejin's fingers wound around his waist and he pressed his nose behind Jonghun's ear.
"I'll always come back to you.." He whispered, though his voice lost nothing of its musical talent, "even if it's impossible, even if the whole world points, I will always come back to you. I would have even if I couldn't have.." Those were the last words Jaejin spoke to him before curling up to him and falling asleep. Jonghun didn't stay awake much longer. Finally he had some peace.
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