The sea had always scared me.

Not because of the sharks or the crashing, lulling waves that threatened to engulf me but the vastness. The feeling that you were stuck in the middle of nowhere, a sense of emptiness that was so immense it was almost as suffocating as the massive water body itself.

The sea was vast, bottomless, unknown.

And that was what scared me.

In the lazy, humid summer of 2011, I found myself waving a tearful goodbye to a certain dark-haired boy as he boarded a plane headed for Seoul. His eyes had shone like stars under the air-port lights, not with tears of sorrow but with dreams and hopes for the future. Unlike me, he actually had a path to travel, a passion to follow. I had no choice, despite my selfish intent to let my best-friend go. He had waved so happily, screaming that he’d be back to sweep me off my feet like Prince Charming. He asked me to wait for him. Wait for what, I didn’t know since our feelings were entirely platonic but I nodded and smiled, trying to keep the tears that were threatening to spill from my eyes at bay. The almighty Daeun did not cry and I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of knowing how sad I really was about his leave. His choice wouldn’t be made any easier.

Just months later, I landed myself an internship at a large design firm for school work experience, one that required me to travel from the port city, Busan to the nation’s capital, a lively, fast-paced city that was comparable to Beijing or New York in its exoticness. I had ceased all contact with him since he was busy and I was well informed of that fact; it was the only thought that kept my itching fingers from reaching for the phone and dialling his number. I missed the sound of his voice, his care-free jokes, the wide smile and gentle chuckles that erupted from his mouth at the stupidest things. It was in that summer that I realised I was in love with Kim Jongin, aspiring idol and best friend. I really wish my heart had made a better choice.

And so I left for Seoul that autumn and bade a slightly tearful farewell to my overprotective parents. The whole affair was almost surreal, I’d always been mediocre and by a massive of luck, had ended up with a valuable opportunity to show off my creative talents. Jongin had always teased me that I would never rest in my grave if I didn’t have to change the design of everything and just at that thought, my lips tugged into a lopsided smile. It was true that my heart itched to scrawl over my own walls, to modify my clothes once they were out of fashion.  However, I was most excited about seeing him in the flesh however painful it would be for me because I knew now that he rose well above my own league. My arrival in Seoul was warmly welcomed by the company and I was immediately introduced to the whirring of copy machines, clinks of coffee mugs and deliberating whispers of the office. For the first time in my life, I felt like belonged somewhere. Needless to say, I fit in terrifically well.

I never got to see him, the copious amounts of learning made it difficult and just months later, I completed my college entrance exam and found myself bestowed with a scholarship from Korea National University. My parents were more shocked than elated which was understandable since my only talent as a child seemed to be giving people bruises the same size and colour of an eggplant. They were glad that I was forging my own path, making my own way in life. I could guess they had been worried about my future, my performance at school was always slightly lacklustre. And so I started the first semester in university as an inexperienced young girl with only a little but tight-knit group of friends, the bittersweet memories of Jongin sealed into the furthest corners of my mind.

“Hey, you coming for the dinner party at Mercury later tonight?” my secretary, a petite little lady with nerves of steel asked casually as she slung her fire-truck red coat over one slender arm. Fast forward three years into the future and I was now an interior designer, stuck in a job that was more or less enjoyable in a city that promised to fulfil both Jongin’s and my dreams. I shook my head and chuckled.

“You should know better, Lee Soonkyu,” I replied, shuffling my papers in an effort to look busier. “I’m drowning in paperwork for blueprints and whatnot. Our next client is a big cash claim.”

“Do you want a high-five in the face with a chair going at the speed of a bullet train?” she asked dryly, tapping the toe of her heeled shoes against the polished marble floor. “Get your lazy off that chair and go out and have some fun. What better excuse than a business party to get a little buzzed?”

“You know I could fire you for disrespect,” I threatened playfully, raising my eyebrows in mock offense.

“Oh but you love me too much,” she chirped cheerfully, equally as playful. “Besides, did you see the rest of the candidates for my job? Who would want to be stuck with a gross old man with heavy B.O as well as a beer gut that does nothing except insulate against the cold?”

I grimaced at the memory. Being as stubborn as I was, I personally interviewed every candidate for secretary. Soonkyu won over me with her fabulous wit and direct sassiness that made her irresistibly charming. The man mentioned had been quite the impression, with ketchup stains running the entire length of his crinkled dress shirt and baggy trousers that exposed the band of his ridiculously inappropriate Calvin Klein jeans. I sighed.

“Okay, okay give me a minute to get dressed and done up, wait for me in the parking lot,” I surrendered with a slight laugh. I pulled out the dress that was reserved specially for occasions like these, a master-piece of light, sheer black fabric embroidered with sequins that glimmered under flashing lights. Soonkyu approved with a soft tilt of the head and ushered me into the car, breaking about fifty traffic laws as we sped through the streets of Hongdae to get to our destination on time. I mused shallowly over my hair and in the end decided to pull the unruly waves into a low chignon at the base of my head.

Much to the chagrin of irritated customers waiting outside, we flashed our VIP passes to get into the restaurant without having to wait out in the chilling cold. The entire second floor was decked out for this function, white chairs placed in ordered circles around equally white tables. Gold banners and balloons hung from the walls as a token of celebration. The CEO, or who we liked to call Mr Donut (due to his similar body structure) had just had his first son with much difficulty. This apparently called for celebration and Soonkyu smirked every time the baby was mentioned, whispering in my ear that she wondered how long it took for him to get aroused enough. Needless to say, I tried extra hard not to be perturbed by the disturbing images that permeated my thoughts afterwards.

“Ah, lovely ladies and gentlemen we are gathered here tonight in the celebration of a new life…” I found myself getting warmer and warmer with each glass of alcohol that was chugged and I grew less and less wary of my surroundings. Just three years ago, I would’ve eyed the bubbly liquid cautiously and wondered what it was but now I was just another jaded city girl. Soonkyu was faring worse than I was with her blonde hair already coming out of the immaculate bun she had piled on the crown of her head. She still looked dainty though, like she always did even when she was puking up the contents of her dinner down a toilet bowl. But that was the fabulous Soonkyu for you.

“And now, we have the wonderful young men of Exo-K to come and celebrate not only the birth of my son but the success in the newly designed SM entertainment building courtesy of our talented designers and interns-“

My head snapped up and I found myself staring at the one boy who had caused a lot of sleepless nights on my behalf. He looked a lot better now, his hair was professionally done just right so it looked like he had effortlessly rolled out of bed. He was impeccably and I could see the width of his shoulders, defined ily by a tailored suit and the taught, thigh muscles that were equally as accentuated. His plump lips were pulled into a tight smile, his teeth a blinding white. I felt sick to the stomach, he looked like a doll. He didn’t even look real. I turned away and brushed my bangs from my face, taking another sip of champagne to calm the rapid beating of my heart.

Jongin and I had started out as mere classmates. There was nothing too special about me but he was known as “chocolate boy” the adorable little guy with impossibly smooth, tanned skin. It had been a hot, harsh summer that year in 1999 and the school commanded us to learn how to swim. There had been a long trip by bus to the sea side, one filled with shrieks and screams of immature children and off vomiting on the behalf of Oh Dookyung, a pudgy boy who had terrible motion sickness. To be fair, puberty had done wonders for him, I suspected he was now a model for the brand Bean-pole. The trip had started out normally enough, excited children, worn out teachers, over-enthusiastic swim instructors and all but the day soon took an unexpected twist of events.

I’d swum out too far, eager to show my parents that I could be good at least one thing. My previous endeavours had only resulted in disaster and they included: ballet, jazz, basketball and violin. The screeching of that horrid instrument was enough to drive even my patient, considerate parents utterly insane. Obviously it was a stupid thing to do because the further out I got, the stronger the current and although not fatal, was enough to evoke panic in my primary school self. I had flailed about with my pudgy, little limbs like a dying starfish for almost five minutes before I started noticing how vast the sea was. The longer I stared down at the bottom, the less I could see, the more murky water there was to cloud my vision. The waves were just as threatening, they looked huge from a far distance only diminishing as the got close to my floating body.

And he had come to rescue me. He was tan due to the strenuous games of tag he played with his equally goofy friends in the playground everyday so it was natural that he swam elegantly through the water, slicing the green waves with strong arms. He had grabbed me wordlessly, the expression on his face stormy and his eyes unfathomable. He looked slightly angry with his jaw clenched so tight but he smiled in relief as soon as we got to safe ground, watching me with soft eyes as I spluttered and thanked him in utter mortification. It had been the beginning of a slightly award relationship, with the rest of the kids calling as the little mermaids and him my Prince Charming. But he had saved me from the emptiness of the sea and I had given him my unique, hedge-hog personality. Prickly but sweet.

In high school he blossomed into the Asian reincarnation of One Direction and was followed around by a legion of fan-boys and girls that were willing to kiss his feet just to get a single glance from their idol. He stayed true to himself, unlike the other guys that were starting to get transformed by the puberty fairy. Jongin stayed my friend and he was happy to be by my side since I was the only one could dared tell to his face he was ugly. As a joke of course, he was anything but ugly with those that defined abdomen and effortless eye crinkle when he laughed. He was utterly gorgeous. Unfortunately, the puberty fairy wasn’t so generous when it came to me. I was plagued with frequent break-outs of acne and braces as well as greasy, oily hair. To put it simply, I was afraid I’d perpetually be the ugly duckling.

I turned my attention back to the ambassadors and met gazes with Kai. It would be dramatic to say I felt as if a magnetic force drew me to him but I did find myself lost in those deep, brown eyes. His eyes were like I feared, vast and empty. Bottomless like the same, stormy ocean he had rescued me from. I felt fear’s icy fingers take a grip over my heart, squeezing so that my chest constricted painfully. It was a split second thing and the second he looked away, I felt like I had emerged from the depths of murky pond, gasping and gulping for air.

He was no longer Kim Jongin but Kai.

My best friend was gone.