Four weeks and a day since they last breathe the same air, stood on the same ground and the first emotion that Daehyun felt was somewhere between Anger and Annoyance and Shock or everything mixed all together. And I would like to add Jealousy, I sincerely believe that everything sums up to Jealousy but Daehyun just doesn’t know it yet. 

Daehyun didn’t want to let go of Jongup. He didn’t want to make him leave again. But Daehyun doesn’t have any right to do what he wanted. Was he his brother? Was he another relative? Daehyun asked himself and of course he knew the answer – no. If only he asked for Jongup’s number when he had the chance, when Jongup could still freely and regularly come to the shop then he wouldn’t really feel anxious, but he didn’t so Daehyun couldn’t do anything but hope that Jongup would come back soon.

*~*~*

“What the did you just do back there?” Jongup asked, worried and ill at ease.

“Calm down, it’s not like we don’t have this sort of game all the time,” Himchan calmly answered.

“But he doesn’t hang with the rest of us, so he might think of it the other way,” pointed out Jongup.

“Oh yeah,” drawled Himchan as he ease back on his seat. “Let’s go hangout on that coffee shop soon, okay?” and Himchan closed his eyes, instantly filtering out whatever protests or pleas Jongup wanted to say.

Jongup and Himchan came sooner than soon could’ve been. They came an afternoon after that incident. And boy what a deadpan face Daehyun has it’s not even funny. Himchan and Jongup came with heavy books that could count as alternatives to dumbbells, they sat at Jongup’s corner and laid out their things. They chat a little, joked a little, played a little and in between read and colored a lot, I mean, highlighted a lot as they sip coffees along those lines.

Daehyun could pass as an excellent stalker, he could steal glances at anytime without anyone else noticing. He could  even stare a bit lingeringly without being found out and whatever he has been thinking inside that head of his, I’m thankful that he’s being professional and had keep a good distance from them.

Himchan groaned as he stretched out his long arms, Daehyun’s eyes literally followed them, watching where they’d perch – to his sides, back on the table, on his head or at Jongup’s shoulder or just anywhere near Jongup. When Himchan kept them on the air, over his head, Daehyun exhaled in relief.

“Look at how colorful it is,” Himchan exclaimed as he studies his photocopy to which he has been reading for an hour and a half, its perfect black and white prints dabbed and painted with teal-like and fluorescent red-orange or salmon colors.

Jongup glanced at him, and rolled his eyes. “This isn’t a coloring book, Channie,” he scoffs as he goes on and makes a typical yellow highlight on some words or sentences that are important.

“It’s called Art therapy Jongup,” Himchan replied. “Besides, I only have one color and you,” he looks over Jongup’s shoulders and his eyebrows furrow in a bit of disapproval as if looking at a hypocrite at work. “You’ve got three different colors and with lines and circles and even sticky notes.” He said as he shakes his head and gave his friend a slow clap. “Don’t forget about me when you get to fourth year okay.”

“Oh shut up,” muttered Jongup.

Daehyun watches them nudge each other and practically horsing around with restrain. Poor Daehyun, I could tell, he wants to talk to Jongup, probably the usual conversations they used to have too, or even more. I tried to encourage him to go talk, there’s no harm and I gave myself as an example as I went over their table and took the vacant seat beside Himchan, as Jongup was sitting by the wall. But Daehyun kept being stubbornly shy and let the day passed without talking to him except when Jongup and Himchan left where we get to say our usual ‘goodbye’ to a customer.

Daehyun must’ve thought that he could just let that day pass, there were other days. Though it was true, Jongup had come again and even earlier than expected. It was a weeknight that he came again but he wasn’t alone.

“Hey, can I have one of those sticky notes?” Himchan asked. His eyes had flown to the walls, reading some and just gazing at others, when Jongup passed him a sheet he took one of Jongup’s pens before asking permission, Jongup just shook his head in slight admiration and went back to his reading.

“There,” Himchan said almost satisfactorily, as he stick the note near a previous note.

Jongup stopped reading and looked at it instead. One of Jongup’s eyebrows cocked up and looked from the note to Himchan and back to the note then back to his book.

“You’re asking a fight there,” he silently said.

“What?” Himchan exclaimed. “If they can’t take it as a joke then they’re totally ed up.”

Jongup stopped and looked straight tentatively and nodded lightly, “True,” he says and back to reading.

“See,” Himchan said exasperatedly. “The fact there’s a homophobic seal means it’s a joke, sarcasm if you want. Okay, mockery.” Jongup chuckles and takes a sip from his coffee.

“No need to be defensive about it, I’ve read the book though and it’s okay,” he shrugs.

“You’ve read it?”

“Yeah, it’s okay but I don’t think it would be too good to make a movie of it, coz it’ll basically be like soft ,” Jongup finishes. Himchan’s eyes lit up, the sort that made Jongup looked at him with dry sarcasm.

“Let’s go watch it!”

“Seriously,” Jongup muttered, “You just diss it minutes ago now you’re saying you want to watch it.”

“Well, if it’s going to be soft why not,” scoffed Himchan.

Jongup’s eyes widened as he inhales deeply as he shifts his seat and went back to reading, “Okay,” he drawls, “What are the common causes of chronic, intermittent coughing? There’re three of them.”

Daehyun sits this in as well and the week after that and the week after that week. For the three weeks that Jongup came, Daehyun hasn’t said a word out of his job description. In normal days I’d be happy about this but… do you understand my frustrations here? For weeks they haven’t met because Jongup had been busy and short on the budget and now that he was finally light on both situations, Daehyun got afraid or cold feet or just stubborn or in killing intent that not talking could be the only thing that’s stopping him from pouncing on Himchan in a not ually way. But Jongup won’t be coming to the café every week, his schedule is going to get hectic again soon and God knows when that is.

*~*~*

I don’t really pray of such things, about such matters but a miracle has happened – Jongup came to the shop alone, not just alone waiting-for-Himchan-to-come-a-few-minutes alone but only-Jongup-studying-for-hours-on alone. The same routine started though – Jongup claims his spot, Daehyun gives him a menu, but Jongup barely glances at it already, Daehyun prepares his order and takes it to his table and Jongup studies and studies and studies.

“There’s a lot of post-its here already,” Jongup started the conversation. Daehyun hums in affirmation.

What the Dae?! Just a hum and a nod that Jongup can’t see?! Now you’re being a professional, cold barista?!

“What’s Yongguk’s plan now?”

“Something about guest books and corkboards,” Daehyun says in a conversation-killing tone.

“There’s already a guest book though.”

Daehyun glanced at the bookshelf with the couple of notebooks I had piled up. “More.”

Jongup looked at Daehyun and then to the wall across him, observing the little colorful pieces. “Oh,” he said, disappointment laced quietly and a sort of yearning to talk more.

What the Dae?! Can’t you sense it? If I was there either I’d have strangled the life out of Jung Daehyun or continued the flow but I wasn’t and so it ended there. And the only exchange of words that happened next was the usual goodbyes.

“Is Yongguk busy?” Jongup asked. He came on a Friday night and alone again. Daehyun nodded, he was currently cleaning up on a table after a customer has left. Jongup juts his lower lip as he thinks of something else. “Oh yeah, I haven’t really asked, but are you graduating soon?”

Daehyun stops to ponder about it, “If my thesis goes well, yeah, next summer maybe.”

Jongup nods but looked a bit displeased when Daehyun said no more and just went straight for the kitchen-slash-sink-slash cashier.  

“Has IU been coming lately?” Jongup asked. It was a Saturday night, another week has passed.

“Yeah, you just missed her by a second.”

“Oh, too bad, has she been here with anyone lately?”

“Why?” Now Jongup has Daehyun’s attention, Jongup thinks its curiosity for his sister’s well being. Daehyun things Jongup’s curiosity about his half-sister is because he was attracted to her.

“Ever since she got herself a boyfriend she rarely hangs with us anymore,” Jongup moped.

“Boyfriend?” Now Daehyun was alarmed, and his big-brother senses were tingling.

“Don’t worry, Eunhyuk’s a really good person. I think IU’s going to pass with him around, he’s been a good influence to her,” defends Jongup. Daehyun still looked bothered and predatory, maybe.

“Well, I’ll be the judge of that,” muttered Daehyun acidly.

Jongup smiled. “You really do care about your sister don’t you, despite how you act the evil-half brother.”

“Care?” Daehyun repeated as if it was sacrilegious, “I don’t act evil-half brother, I am evil-half brother and I don’t really care for her. You and Yongguk say the weirdest things.” And Daehyun heads back to the counter-slash-kitchen as if the small place is a sanctuary or something. Well at that time, maybe it was starting to be one, the cork board had partly separated him from Jongup. Jongup couldn’t see the slight blush and smile he had on that face of his. But Daehyun couldn’t see the small satisfied grin on Jongup’s as well as he went back to attending his book and notes.

The conversation was shorter than what they had few months ago, before anything had happened but longer since Jongup momentarily went away. Even if it was mainly about IU, even if it were about other things aside them it was probably more meaningful since then. Because now feelings are involved as you and I know, as Jongup knows and… I swear I’m going to whack some sense into Daehyun’s head or drown him in a barrel of water, maybe a near-death experience will let him see the light – the light of his feelings and make a move already.

One day, as Daehyun was heading for work Jongup saw him from across the street and waved. Daehyun, at the corner of his eye, saw him and was about to wave back. His hand was already halfway out of his jeans pocket but Daehyun saw Himchan jumping on Jongup and being too close, actually the regular sort of closeness you get with a really close buddy and not just an acquaintance. Daehyun tucked his hand back in his pocket and went on the bus without even acknowledging with a smile.

“Who are you waving at?” Himchan asked. He looked across the street but saw no one.

Jongup placed his arm down, and frowned a little, careful not to make his disappointment obvious. “No one,” he smiled wistfully, “I was just trying to trick you. Too bad it didn’t worked,” he lied.

But this Himchan friend of his was a smart fellow, even if he claims to be ‘just average’ academically. Well, isn’t that just a normal thing – being good at one point and bluntly poor at another aspect?

Himchan gave Jongup a noogie. “C’mon, let’s go meet the others, and then maybe we can find you some non-straightly oriented guy later,” he said in a tone that he hoped would lighten up the nearly heartbroken friend. Jongup laughed. “That’s your fault for going with straight ones.”

“Straights are challenging,” retorted Jongup.

“And what does that make me and the rest of the guys in the group? Questionable?” Jongup hits Himchan lightly on the arm for his cynical sort of tease.

“You’re the friend-zone and safe-type of straights.”

Himchan laughed and felt proud of himself. “What about you tell him then, at least your orientation?”

“I’ve thought about it,” Jongup replied. “I don’t even know if we’re friends or not cause he’s starting to be like a stranger or something after not seeing each other for weeks how much more if he knows I’m gay.” Jongup laughs as if he had said a sad joke, “I don’t want us not talking anymore.”

Himchan sighed heavily and obviously loud, “You really have to go for that sort of straight.”