Contrary to what I had expected, though, recovery came sooner than expected, almost simultaneously with the calamity.

***

I felt something poke my cheek for more than once, and that’s what woke me up from my sleep. Slowly opening my eyes I made out her face, blithely smiling down at me, and I felt relieved. But as quickly as the temporal joy arrived, a wave of anguish washed over me. “Are you alright?” my head shot up from the side of the bed, almost making me dizzy because of the alarm.

“You’re awake,” was her only remark. Her eyes were bloodshot and there were dark rings around her eyes, and the pinkish, alive glow of her face was gone. All that was left was her concave cheeks, and pale lips. She gave me a brief nod which must’ve said yes but everything about her said it—she wasn’t.

I swallowed, now preparing on how in the world was I supposed to deliver the speech to her. Hey, you got drunk last night and oh, by the way, the child you were carrying inside you died! I seriously did not know how to do it. I was still rocking my brains for the right words, but she did what I feared the most—she hatched the question,

“What happened?”

Despite of the cold room, I could feel my back starting to sweat. “You…got drunk last night. Al..a-alcohol poisoned,”

Her gaze dropped. “I really pushed myself back there, didn’t I,”

“You did.” I plainly answered. Should I tell her?

Closing her eyes, said she, calmly, “I wish I just died instead,”

“Don’t say that,”

“Youngjae…he won’t be back any sooner. And even when he does, what would be left of me? He broke up with me, Bang Yongguk. He broke up with me,”

I was angry beyond reason. I was angry—not at her, but at how unfair all of this is. I swear I’ll make sure Youngjae is going to regret this. I conceded without a word just for him—just for them, so they would be happy, and this is how they repay me? I should really just have fought for me instead. But then again, would that have made her any happy? She loved him. She still does, even. I was nothing but just a part of the backdrop—a backdrop of the world which, in her sight, consisted only of Youngjae.

After all, I was nothing.

“Thank you, though,” she broke the hush, which I wasn’t conscious of, because I was too deafened by the noise of my thoughts. I looked up at her, and I don’t know how she managed to do it, but she held my hand, even without seeing. “You were there.”

Always.

She remained silent, and it was getting altogether unbearable. I couldn’t let her labor under the delusion that nothing really happened. “I—” I cleared my throat. “I have to tell you something.”

“What is it?” she rolled her head to the side facing me.

“I…I’m sorry,” was all I could miserably muster.

“Don’t be sorry,” she smiled, squeezing my hand.

“You don’t understand,” taking a deep breath, I had no idea what I was saying but all that was important was her to know of it. “Last night…you…you really don’t remember anything?”

“Nothing. Everything’s fuzzy.”

What now?

Noticing my silence, said she, “Hey oppa, I had this crazy dream,”

Hoping that this could stall some time, I feigned interested. “How’d it go?”

“I…” she chuckled. “There was blood all over. Blood everywhere. It trickled down my legs, and I don’t know but it was so vivid—I even felt the pain. You were carrying me, and there was an uncontrollable flow of blood from me.”

My heart broke right there. Almost literally—I swear I heard something inside me break. It wasn’t a dream, I wanted to tell her. My face hardened. She noticed that I didn’t react, and she looked at me in expectance of a reply.

opened slightly, but then the moment next, her eyes widened, and that’s when I tore my gaze away from hers. I simply couldn’t look at her in the eyes anymore. “What—don’t tell me—” she quickly rose from her bed and scrambled forward. “Oppa, say something!” she shook me by the shoulders frantically. Her voice was rough and high-pitched and she was screaming at the top of her lungs. “Oppa!” she shook me again, but I remained obstinate. “Tell me it was a dream! It was a dream, right?” she even struggled to put on a healthy expression—one that’s of a broken smile, as she pathetically convinced herself that it was all a dream—a very bad dream.

“I’m sorry.” I muttered gravely. Now I was the one wishing that this was all just a dream.

She slowly sunk down, kneeling on the cold tile floor, covering her face. Blood started to show in the wire of her IV. Of course. How could she not know? But it wasn’t until last night. Miscarriage. She was carrying a child inside her and she didn’t even know it—until it died. It died because of her. The mother killed her own child. “I…please, tell me he’s alright. He’s still alright,” she sobbed bitterly, putting one of her hands on her tummy. “Please, please, please,”

I joined her in kneeling. “I’m sorry…” I gathered her in my arms, feeling like I was asked to hold the pieces of a broken jar together in a single hug. “I’m so sorry…” whispering in her hair, I wanted to kill myself because that was what I could only manage. I hated myself beyond words. The girl I loved was in sorrow, and all I could do was watch dumbly as she broke into a billion irreversible pieces.

***

“But it’s alright,” I mutter to myself, talking to the air. There’s a thin smile on my face, and it’s even a sad one. Apparently this is what I could only do right now. I’m on the bed again, my left arm spread out to its side, smoothing out the wrinkles of the empty space. Years of marriage and this is the only, very small trigger that could possibly dissolve it, tossed into oblivion like it never took place.

It’s dawn, when I look out the window. I remember it’s in this kind of hour that she’d wake me up in the middle of my sleep with much mischief, asking me to make love to her.

So even during those times what Daehyun said was already true, way before they were even spoken, yes?

Now, how am I supposed to fix this?

All that’s left of me is my insecurity, greed and stubbornness. She married me out of sadness.

Is it even right to think of it this way? That’s what I’ve been living with all these years. Is it all true? Because maybe she loved me even just a particle of a tiny bit. Maybe she did, because, after all, she’d told me she loves me too. Was it not that just a few nights ago, she praised that I am her son’s father and I am her husband? That I am hardworking, making everything perfect while at the same time, I live by the adjective too, myself?

A reel of memories plays in my head. After she and Youngjae broke up, I realized that maybe it wasn’t too late for us.

***

It was a rainy Wednesday evening, two weeks after her miscarriage and after so much, she was told to go on counseling and stress-debriefing. She was strong in character, yes, very much—but she wasn’t handling it well. I was her second closest friend—ah, again, next to Youngjae—and was one whom she treasured very much. Out of the blue I had told her that if she couldn’t do the counseling for herself then maybe she could do it for me—for us—for those who care for her, and it was a surprise that it actually worked. She was really stubborn, but maybe that was what was necessary to persuade her.

Her day having just ended I went on to take the role of Youngjae. That is, taking her home safely. For some reason I had an umbrella brought long with me, and we met up at our usual rendezvous. “Kaja?” I asked her.

She merely nodded, and off we went, treading our journey to her home.

“Oppa, come on in,” she smiled at me, when she pushed her door open.

“Ah, there’s no need, really. I’ll be going now,”

“Come on, refusing this kind of hospitality is rude,” she grunts at me playfully, and pushes me inside. “Besides, I need your help on something.” She carelessly tosses her bag on the table and proceeds to the kitchen. “Sit there. I’ll prepare something for us to eat.”

“You shouldn’t bother—”

“—just shut up and sit.”

I clamped my mouth down. I couldn’t possibly say no to that face.

A couple of minutes later, she returned to the kitchen carrying two bowls of bibimbap and two glasses of juice. She quickly serves them; one for her, one for me. She doesn’t sit on the couch, but rather, on the carpet. Seeing that it was kind of improper that I sat on the couch and my host on the floor, I joined her there. “Why’d you bring me here?” I asked.

“You need to tutor me.”

“But I haven’t prepared!”

She dismissed my argument with the wave of a hand. “No need to. Come on, let’s eat,”

We discussed several things whilst eating, but never the topic of how her therapy was going. We talked about academics, a few people; how Daehyun was having trouble in taking care of the flowers in the Green Thumb Org garden, and having a good laugh over it. When we were done with the meal my host cleared up the mess on the table and brought out her things for studying.

“Why’d you choose music, oppa?” she asked, while looking for a page on her notebook.

“Well…” I thought. It’s always been what I love the most. Until she came to my life, that is. “It’s been a part of me, really. Composing is…my natural element.”

She made a face at how deep my speech was, and then found the page. “I wish I were as deep as you. I’m never the sentimental type. My emotions couldn’t reach the tip of a pen,”

“You don’t have to be.” I smiled. “All you need is just put in what’s in your mind, and just write…” she leaned forward across the table to get something from the other end, so her whole torso was displayed in front of me. “…what’s in your…heart.”

She jerked her shoulders upward. “Maybe I could do that. But don’t want to.”

“Why so?”

She started opening a Math book. “I don’t want to remember what’s in my heart.” Was her plain remark, and I knew exactly what she meant.

“Sorry.”

“No need to.”

Suddenly I couldn’t find anything else to say.

“Teach me this, please,” she pointed the book.

“What do you need relearning this for?” I pointed the words “rise over run” and looked at her with a bewildered expression.

“There’s a quiz bowl three weeks from now. All organizations are supposed to join and The Green Thumb Org is, too, and they assigned me to study…Math. Daehyun was assigned in General Knowledge. Good for him; with that big mouth of his he should be able to know a lot,” her shoulders slumped. “Those guys, really. They know I hate Math so much. Why the hell are they making me study it?” she grumped.

There was something I had to ask about, though. Beyond why I needed to tutor her. “But…there should be three contestants, right? In a group. Are you…complete?”

She was silent for a long while. I wanted to tell her that Himchan would love to join, but then I remembered that his other organization had already recruited him. “No…” she answered finally. “It was supposed to be…Youngjae, but of course he’s not here anymore, so…”

I wanted to kick myself for being so tactless.

“The Green Thumb Organization is on the verge of backing out.”

Without much thinking, I blurted out, “Me. I’ll join.”

She raised her brow at me. “You? But…as far as I know you’re not a mem…ber.” Then her gaze faltered. “You sure?”

I smirked. “Sure I am. How will the initiation go?”

She laughed. “Just teach me. Tomorrow we’ll process your membership. I’ll tell Hyosung-eonni that you’d like to. Wait. Didn’t your other orgs tell you to join?”

“They did, but I haven’t given my answer. I’ll tell them I’ve been taken by another club,” I offered a smile.

Seemingly she was touched by this, and she merely electrified me by throwing her arms around my neck. “Thank you, oppa! Thank you-thank you-thank you!”

I wanted to melt, right then and right there, and wished I could just stay in this position forever. “Sure thing,” I patted her back twice. I wanted the embrace to linger; perhaps a moment more, a second more, but she had to pull out.

Her face was just an inch away from me and her arms were still encircled on my neck. “Thank you very much, oppa. You don’t know how happy I am,”

Nope, you don’t know how happy I am. “Don’t mention it, really,”

For the silent moment that followed, I saw that her eyes started studying the composition of my face. When her eyes evaded mine and looked down, down, down—from my nose, my cheeks, and then my…mouth, I knew something was up.

I wanted to give in to the sweet surrender. I really did. However, my better judgment was taking over, nagging at me, telling me not to trust what was happening and not to take advantage of her fragility. She’d just gone through a breakup, after all, and she’d do practically everything just to receive the same warmth she used to receive from Youngjae.

Certainly, I did not want her to see me as just a replacement. I wanted her to love me for who I am, if that was ever possible, at all. I knew it was kind of harsh, but with a gentle shove, I drew her away from me. “Stop.”

She stared at me with wide eyes.

“I don’t want you to love me because I’d fill Youngjae’s place. Love me for what I could give you. Love me for who I am. Don’t love me because I’m his substitute. Don’t love me because I’m second best. You’re on the process of healing, and I don’t want to take advantage of that. When you’re ready to love again, tell me. Because I’m sick of fighting Youngjae’s ghost everyday, and losing every single time I do. Tell me when you’re ready, so I could properly love you—freely, without burden, and maybe you’d reciprocate my feelings; you could, or maybe you would; because I want both of us not to live in the shadow of all this tragedy, but make memories of our own.” I said in one breath, while my hands were on her shoulders. “Remember me, I am Bang Yongguk. I’ll be here waiting,”

I could say she was dumbstruck at that. I was proud and ashamed at the same time, because I had told her I love her, at long last—while she’s in her sane, clear mind not clouded with alcohol; she’s not drunk. I’m pretty sure she heard me clearly, perfectly.

Now I didn’t know what to say next, nor did I have the guts to face her anymore.

“I gotta go. We could start the tutorials tomorrow,” I grabbed my things as quickly as I could, and walked out of her house. My last memory of her for that day was her blank, shocked face that was somehow red under the white light.

took me pretty long to update, huh.

anyway I did good in my exams! HAHA

sorry it's short. I'll try to update within this week.

whatcha think?

-b