Fade Away

iamforgotten

I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound
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“Don’t you ever do anything else other than this, Youngwoon ah? You really need to be a bit more spontaneous!”

You joked, sitting on the countertop, as I did my morning ritual. I would look at you disbelievingly, and I would have to remind myself to breathe. I could never deny how beautiful you were, with your hair slightly dishevelled, your feet swinging back and forth. You looked like a child, although you weren’t one. And I knew, right then and there, that I could never live without you.



I let the tap water cool my face. It’s early in the morning, and I find myself in my bathroom, doing what I usually do. I take my toothbrush from the container, squeezing a fair amount of toothpaste on it. But before I can continue, I catch a glimpse of my reflection on the foggy mirror.

I do not recognize myself. There are black rings under my eyes, a noticeable growth of hair on my chin, and I just look like I haven’t slept in weeks.

Of course, I haven’t slept.

How can I when every time I closed my eyes, I see you? When every time I try to sleep, I dream of you and how happy we were? And then, the punch-line. After everything wonderful, you tell me that you’re breaking up with me.

I couldn’t make you happy anymore. It was not like how things were three years back. We had become boring and you aren’t satisfied. Even if I tried—I did try, of course, I did—it just wasn’t the same.

I walk back to my room—which is too empty that it is killing me—taking a pair of freshly laundered clothes. I am determined to get you back. I am pretending as if nothing has happened. I acted as if I didn't hear it when you said that it was over between us because that’s the only way I could talk and beg you to come back.

I still love you. And if love can’t bring us back together, then I don’t know what would.






 

And I need you like a heart needs a beat
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“I love kissing you, Youngwoon ah. We’ve been together for three years and, still, I can never get enough of you.”

I felt for the hem of your shirt, tugging it to tell you what I wanted. You relented, of course. The night was ending for most of the people in the city but ours had barely begun.



I get off my pick-up truck and start walking to the cafe you work at. Just when I am about to push the door open, I notice you. I take a step back and proceed to the patisserie across your cafe. Choosing a seat right beside the window that has a perfect view of you, I watch your every movement as you flirt with your new boyfriend.

And you said that there isn’t anyone else.

I watch you. I won't try to deny it because it’s the truth. I watch and observe every step that you took, every kiss that you give him. There is even a time when you sat on his lap, deepening the lip-lock that the both of you are sharing.

I almost break the glass in my hand at this point. You have already found someone else and here I am, still hung up on you, praying that you’d see the light of my love.

And you kiss him again.

I have had enough.

Tonight, I would be getting some sleep. I’d taking sleeping pills if I have to. I wouldn't think of you. I wouldn't dream of your kisses or your heavenly body. I wouldn't. I’d sleep peacefully tonight. And if tomorrow I don’t find a way to get you back, I’ll be damned.




I swallow two pills of the bitter medicine but I don’t feel its effects. I take another two, and another two, and another two, and another... until I finish the whole bottle. Sleep takes over, of which I am thankful for. I hold onto the bolster tight as if imagining that it is you I have in my arms.

I know otherwise, though, and if it isn’t for the drugs, I would have cried the night away, once again.






 

Sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you
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“Why do you still have a stash of pills in here?” you asked as you were looking through the drawers in the bathroom. “Are you still having those nightmares?”

I stared at you. I loved watching your face, the changing expressions you have. I loved how your lips seemed to have a mind of their own and moved even though you weren’t saying anything. I loved how your brows creased and un-creased without care. I loved how you always seemed to be out of it, but never really lost. But mostly, I loved how you showed, in the tiniest of ways, that you loved and cared for me like no one else would.



I spend three days in the hospital, tied to the cursed bed with tubes going in and out of my body. I hate this place. Everyone knows that. So it puzzles me that I wake up in a room too white and bright for my taste. I look at my left, to the form beside my bed, finding someone that is not you. It drives me to shut my eyes tight and let a drop of tear to escape from my heart.

After I collect myself up, I leave the hospital. I shrug off the worried faces of the nurses. They all think that I tried to kill myself, and I couldn’t help but let out a laugh.

I drive around in my truck. I knew where you are but, somehow, I am afraid to go there. Somehow, I know what might be waiting for me to witness. But three days is an awfully long time for me not to miss you and so, I take a U-turn and steer the vehicle towards your place.

It takes me about half an hour and as I am about to get off the truck, you step out into the balcony of your apartment. You are holding his hand and leading him towards the loveseat. You push him down, sitting yourself on him, and start kissing him.

I hear your moans from where I sat. I hear your groans of pleasure and your soft giggles. I am watching as you shift yourself on him, as you straddle him.

And, even though I close my eyes at that point, I know exactly what went on. I know how the night turns out for you and him. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for myself.






 

It's too late to apologize
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“Is it possible for our love to last forever, Youngwoon ah?” you asked as you held on tightly to my arms.

“Yes,” I answered, shortly but surely.

“You really think so?” you needed assurance.

I nodded, tightening the embrace I had around you. “Yes. Our love will last forever.”



Hours pass and I am still there, sitting in my truck, looking up at you and your lover. I try to shake off everything that is telling me to do things I don’t usually do.

I won't make a scene. If I do, there really won't be a chance that you’d to come back to me. Instead, I take my mobile and dial a number I know by heart. I pressthe device to my ear and wait for you to pick up.

“Hello?” you greet with a groggy, bedroom voice.

At first, I don’t answer. I only want to hear you and forget everything that have happened. But you talk again, this time with an irritated tone, forcing me to open my mouth and talk.

“Teukie...”

“Youngwoon? Is that you?” you ask, now fully awake.

When I am about to answer, I hear someone from your end.

Who is that? He asks and you shush at him. Baby, go back to sleep... I hear you answer instead.

“Youngwoon? Are you still there? I’m sorry. It isn’t a good time for me. Could you—“

I switch the phone off before you finish. And just as the tears start to well from my eyes, I put the gear into the ignition and drive off.

I try my best to put as much distance between us as I can.

You win.

I’ll let go.

It’s over.






 

I'm holding on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...
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“Whatever happens, Youngwoon ah, we’ll stay together.”

I nodded in response and placed a soft kiss on the tip of your nose.

“Don’t ever leave me, alright? Always hold on to what we have. Hold on to our love.”



I wake up to the slamming of my bathroom door. You stand right there, panting and looking oh-so-beautiful. I smile at you but you don’t smile back. Instead, I notice tears on your cheeks and soft sobs escaping though your lips.

“Why are you crying?” I ask.

“Youngwoon ah... I’m sorry. I’m so sorry...” you cry over and over.

I don’t understand why but it’s alright. You are right there. You’re with me. And the thought makes me smile even wider.

Still, you do not respond to me. You knelt down beside the tub, your face in your hands, while you cry harder.

“I’m sorry, Youngwoon ah.”

I laugh this time.

Why have you taken so long to come back to me?

Why have you taken this long to realize that I love you?

You understood, don’t you? That no one else can love you more than I do.

I am the only one who could.

But you continue to cry, and you know how I hate to see you cry. My heart tumble and I reach out to touch your shoulder.

You don’t budge.

I laugh harder.

“Come on, Teukie, stop crying. It’s alright.”

I get up from the tub to kneel beside you. I want to embrace you again because that was the only way I know that could soothe you. I want to hold you in my arms and fulfill my promise to you.

I’m never letting you go.

‘Coz I can never live without you.


I wrap my arms around your shaking form.

But I went right through.