Although I am still breathing I do not feel alive anymore.

I feel like if my heart had been torn out of its place and broken into hundreds of pieces.

I am bleeding inside and I don’t know how to heal my deep wounds.

I have forgotten the meaning of happiness and how to smile, how to be angry… the only emotion I am aware of right now is a melancholic sadness.

I feel the need to cry bitterly but it looks like my eyes are already dry because of the huge amount of tears they have already shed.

I am dizzy and have a killing headache, my whole body feels so heavy and I don’t have enough energy to make a single move.

This is making me go insane.

You may be wondering why I am in such a shameful state, between death and life

Can you even imagine how it feels like when you’ve had something you had once taken for granted and you suddenly lose it?

And then you wonder what would have happened if you had treasured it more.

Would it still be yours?

I thought he would always be by my side, loving me, but one day he was next to me and the next morning he was gone.

He was dead!

It was so sudden…

And everything because of that damn car accident!

Why? Why him? Why couldn’t he stay with me? If I hadn’t let him go that night he would still be here right beside me! What have I done to deserve this? I need him so much…

Why didn’t I express my love for him more often?

A bitter smile escapes from my tinny lips whenever I remind myself of how cold and harsh I used to be to him.

Everything because of that stupid pride of mine! However, he would never give up and always faced me with a sincere smile.

No matter what cruel words escaped from my mouth, he was the only one who could understand what my true feelings were behind that tough image of mine and endured my unreasonable behavior, being able to break through my thick barriers.

Why didn’t I realize it earlier?

I loved him so much…

I regret so many things wich are unchangeable now.

If only he was still here… I would… I would tell him how important he was to me and never let go of him again.

But sadly he isn’t here anymore.

I can still feel him, his soft kisses full of meaning and love and his warm and gentle touch against my skin that made me feel shivers down my spine.

I still remember losing myself into his deep and wonderful eyes that could always see through my mind, his tenderness, his gentle words that always reached my now broken heart…

I am wondering how much time has passed since that happened; since he disappeared from my life, since he left me on my own, since he took my life away with him.

For how long have I been locked here in what once was our bedroom without being able to move an inch, hiding and afraid of facing reality? It has been so long that I am not aware of time anymore

I feel so lost without him…

he meant so much to me that I can’t put it into words, he was my everything.

I know that everyone is dead worried about me.

My sister is always feeding me because if it was for me I would not even eat since I don’t feel like cooking or leaving this room with so many happy memories, afraid that they will fly away once I’m gone.

I know she is always trying to cheer me up, but it’s useless.

I know she feels helpless because she doesn’t know what to do

I already know I am a burden and I don’t want that but damn it! How am I supposed to keep living and acting as if nothing had happened?

I know I will never love again because although he is dead he will always live in my heart. Moreover, I know I could not handle this intense pain twice.

I don’t even know if I will be able to get over it once.

However, the happiness I felt being with him is surely worth the pain I am suffering right now, so I sure don’t regret meeting him and letting him take my heart.

After all, as someone once said,

The course of true love never did run smooth - William Shakespeare