Sehun blinked and focused his vision, staring back at his somber reflection.

“I’m sorry.” He had said.

“I didn’t mean to- 

I love you.”

Sehun spit into the sink, watching the crimson fluid slowly drop from his lips. He blinked again, twitching from the bruise near his eye.

It hurts.

Is this what love is?

Hearing a creak from the bed in the adjacent room, Sehun turned his head, paranoid. He silently peeped through the small opening of the door. 

It was dark. An overturned chair and jumbled bedsheets covering his sleeping boyfriend were gently outlined by the moonlight from the window. 

He opened the door slowly, keeping his eyes locked onto the bedsheets for any signs of movement, and tiptoed out. He stared at the bed from the foot of the stairs, unsure how to feel. 

It had been eight months together with Jongin. 

Jongin really loved him, and Sehun felt the same. He recalled fondly the way Jongin’s face scrunches up in laughter. That’s what Jongin was normally like.

“What would I do without you?” He would say, brushing a piece of Sehun’s hair to the side.

It was only every now and then that Jongin would be like this.

Sehun was naive. He would say something that offset Jongin, something that offended him. Sehun never knew exactly what would upset him. They argued. Jongin raised his voice. Sehun got defensive. Again, he was naive.

And Jongin hit him. 

That was the look Sehun hated to see. A scrunched up face, but this time with disdain, anger, contempt. Sehun cried, not because it hurt, but because the way Jongin looked scared and saddened him.

Seeing those tears, Jongin stopped and apologized. He cried too, mumbling ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you’ as he slowly backed away. 

Then Jongin went to sleep, and there was this moment. This moment at the foot of the stairs, where Sehun wonders which part of his life is a dream, which scars lay permanent, which Jongin to believe.

But those questions never bore answer. The only course of action lied in his feet padding softly down the stairs, into his shoes and down the street to his close friend’s house. 

He looked up from his position on the doorstep and noticed the bright yellow window.

Luhan is still awake.

He knocked on the door and waited. He wasn’t quite sure exactly why he came here every time; it somehow became a strange sort of routine. He watched a silhouette grow closer to the window, peek through the blinds, and then disappear. Sehun knew Luhan was now running down the stairs to open the door for him. He wasn’t sure how to feel about that either.

“Sehun,” Luhan opened the door, flustered. He paused, worried eyes scanning Sehun’s bruises and scratches. He embraced Sehun gently, reaching up and the back of the boy’s hair.

Luhan always did this. It was only that steady, rhythmic touch on the back of his neck that comforted Sehun. But it was also this touch that thawed Sehun from his numbness. He suddenly felt each punch, each grip, the sting from Jongin’s hand on his face. 

“Let’s go inside.”

◑

“That guy’s no good for you,” Luhan dabbed a wet cotton ball on the scratch near Sehun’s lip. “He really shouldn’t do this to you.”

“If he does this again, you should really break up with him,” Luhan looked into the emotionless, dry eyes that hardly resembled the bright, youthful ones he knew from before. 

Stop tying yourself to him.

Be with me instead.

He placed a square bandage underneath Sehun’s eye, feeling like a mother patching up her son after tripping on the playground.

His throat tightened. He wish it were so. But these injuries were not accidental. They were inflicted, intentional. It was beyond Luhan’s comprehension how someone could love a person and then treat them this way. He knew Jongin and had been courageous enough to ask him about it the first time it happened.

“I don’t know how I could do that,” his face pressed into his open palms.

“I love him so much. I need him,” staring at the same palms, seemingly still red from the day before. “He makes me feel things. It’s like...

Have you ever had something that made you feel so human?

Sehun is that for me.

Without him, I don’t enjoy anything. I don’t want anything. I’m a machine.

But... something about that smile, his voice...

It gave me a heart.”

Hearing that, Luhan knew it was true. Jongin was a boy of little interests. His eyes glazed over every aspect of life, unmoved. Academics, which he excelled in, sports, which seemed easy to him, career, a stable well-paying job from his parents; none of that meant anything to him, thick lips pursed and unopened. But Luhan recalled the first few months of his and Sehun’s relationship. Those lips stretched into a wide smile and revealed a row of perfect white teeth. Jongin did need him. He was broken.

But now, Sehun was broken too.

◑

“I messed up,” Sehun’s shaky voice from the phone.

“What?” Luhan was surprised by the sudden call. It had been almost a month since he last saw Sehun.

“I messed up,” was all he said, between panting, shaking breaths. “I messed up.”

“Where are you right now?” Luhan got up. He already knew. He looked out of his window and as he thought, the hunched figure of Sehun with his phone to his ear stood on his doorstep.

He ran down the stairs and opened the door. Sehun turned his head to look at him. The familiar cuts and bruises, soaking wet skin and hair, blood mixed with tears and water stained his face. His left hand still clutched the phone, while his right lay at his side, balled into a trembling, bloody fist.

Once more, and this time Luhan understood. 

“I messed up.”

◑

Sehun stared down at his right hand as Luhan tended to the cuts on his face. He hardly knew how to process what had just happened to him. All he knew was that he did wrong.

“Alright, I’m all finished. Now will you please tell me what happened?” He heard luhan’s voice but didn’t look up. He parted his lips to speak, struggling to put his recollection together. Flashes of pictures, moments, small snippets of sound. He worked with what he had.

“He was angry. He was so angry and... he hit me.” His voice croaked out, as if this was the first time he had ever spoken.

“He threw me onto the bathroom floor and he...” 

Sehun breathed in sharply, as if gasping for air. A blurred image came to his mind. The bathroom ceiling, Jongin’s hand gripping his hair, the pressure of water filling his ears, eyes and mouth. “The showerhead...”

“It was so cold. I panicked and I ran.”

Sehun had clawed his way out underneath Jongin, out of the bathroom, down the stairs and all the way to the door.

Tears welled up in his eyes. “I wanted to leave so badly. I had almost opened the door when he grabbed me from behind.”

“I turned around and I...” His fingers curled up into a fist.

“I hit him.”

His whole body began to shake as he cried. “I always told myself no matter what, I would never hit Jongin back.”

He sniffed. “You might not believe me, but I think deep down, Jongin is a very fragile person.

So I told myself I’d be strong for him. But I’m not strong.

I’m not good enough.”

This strange moment of clarity was soon replaced by a more natural reaction. Sehun’s head bowed lower as tears unabashedly fell. There was no more room for panic, no energy. This was the breaking point.

◑

“You’re good enough.”

This was all Luhan could say, all past words of comfort seeming useless now, trivial now.

“You’re good enough.” 

He gathered Sehun’s shaking hands into his smaller ones. He wished the warmth from his hands could somehow reach Sehun’s heart. He felt the weight of Sehun’s head fall softly on his shoulder and the wetness of Sehun’s tears seep through his shirt. He placed his hand on the back of Sehun’s neck, rubbing his thumb slowly up and down the base of his spine.

Luhan watched quietly as an exhausted Sehun slept in his bed. He grazed his fingers lightly over the boy’s face, over the bandages that he had applied himself.

Perhaps that was all Luhan was to him: a first aid kit. There was little chance of Sehun seeing him as anything more; he and Jongin were too far entangled in each other. Luhan wished he could detach himself from their relationship but it was impossible like this. He hated seeing Sehun in this much pain too much to walk away.

So he waited. He waited here for Sehun every time, every fight, every tear, every

knock at the door.

Luhan was torn away from his thoughts at the sound. 

◑

This is the end, my love.

Jongin felt his tears start to form as he waited on the doorstep. The side of his mouth where Sehun had punched him stung, but the pain in his heart hurt more. 

He wanted to undo all the damage he had done to Sehun, and for him, there was only one way. Jongin silently thanked a higher being that medical technology had thus progressed.

His eyes darted up as the door creaked open. His friend, Luhan, or maybe it was too familiar to call him friend now. The guarded, hurt eyes that bore into him left Jongin uneasy.

“What is it, Jongin? Sehun is sleeping.” Even now, the elder boy’s voice was soft. 

Jongin opened his mouth to speak and hesitated. He took a moment to collect his thoughts; this decision would more or less change his life.

“I want to... make amends,” Jongin tried forcing a smile, but burning tears were already welling up. “I know the only way i can do that is if Sehun forgets all about me. So...” 

The tears seared down his face like hot fire. Luhan’s gaze darkened; he seemed to understand.

“S.M.E....” The acronym floated into the air as no more than a whisper, a seldom spoken word uneasily leaving Luhan’s lips.

Selective Memory Extraction.

An approved, relatively safe procedure, but one that carried an expected stigma. It was called a surgery for the weak, for those who could not deal with their problems themselves; an unnecessary, overcomplicating addition to the already complex regimen of life. 

Those opposing S.M.E. called it induced brain damage; though harsh, the name held true. The practitioners gathered information about the event or person to be erased and pinpointed the associated memories. After that, the various medical terms boiled down to simple deletion. Those memories never existed.

And this is what Jongin wanted. Apologizing was not enough; Sehun accepted his apologies each time, but Jongin could see Sehun start to trust less and less. The youthful glimmer in his eye that Jongin loved so much was gone. More than wanting to keep Sehun for himself, Jongin wanted Sehun to be happy. It was clear that Sehun would not be able to fully love again if he carried these scars with him. 

So this was the decision Jongin made. He did not think himself a hero. To him, it was only a sad reality.

“Come inside,” Luhan finally said. 

◑

Luhan sat Jongin down on his couch, in the same spot Sehun had sat so many times, and cleaned up the scratches near his mouth.

He felt strangely numb. Sitting here was the person who caused Sehun so much pain, but also the person who offered Sehun the chance at happiness again, but at his own cost. Luhan’s emotions shut down. He let the conversation figure itself out.

“Are you sure about this, Jongin?”

The younger boy breathed out and nodded a few times. Luhan got up from his kneeled position and sat across from Jongin.

“Do you... think Sehun will be okay with this?” 

“He won’t,” Jongin let out a small laugh. “That’s why I love him so much. But um...” His voice wavered as he looked down, furrowing his brow and biting his lip to prevent himself from crying.

“You have to let me do this for him,” he looked up at Luhan earnestly, filled with hope. “It’s all I can do.”

Luhan paused. In Jongin’s eyes, he saw every ounce of regret, every shed tear; a lost, remorseful sinner at his wit’s end for repentance. He nodded slowly, realizing too that this was the only solution.

“Can I... see him?” Jongin asked timidly. Luhan understood that after the procedure, Jongin would be instructed to interact with Sehun as little as possible. Neither could Luhan imagine Jongin wanting to hear the one he had loved for nine months saying “Nice to meet you.” 

“Yeah,” he stood and lead Jongin up the stairs to the door of his room. He opened the door and stepped away for Jongin to enter.

“Jongin,” he called out as the boy was about to pass the frame of the door. Jongin turned his head.

“We’re friends, okay?” Luhan did his best to smile. Jongin showed a small smile before going in.

Luhan watched from just outside the door. The room was dark, only a handful of shades of deep blue and black spelling the details of the room. He saw Jongin crouch near the bed, face close to Sehun’s. For a moment, Luhan admired how beautiful the both of them were, posed like this. In an ideal world, they made a great couple, one to be envied. An observer would never notice that they were really falling apart.

Luhan caught a glimpse of Jongin’s lips moving, just before the boy got up. 

“I’m leaving the rest to you, friend,” Jongin placed a hand on Luhan’s shoulder. Luhan nodded and showed Jongin out, a goodbye that seemed more permanent.

As he shut the door, all of Luhan’s emotions from the past hour rushed in and took over. He crumpled to the floor, unable to control the stream of tears falling down his cheeks. Luhan knew not to what to attribute his tears; too much had happened. He tried, instead, to straighten out the facts.

Sehun had been abused by Jongin for the past five months.

Jongin had suggested and affirmed for S.M.E. to be performed on Sehun.

In a week’s time, Sehun will have completely forgotten Jongin’s existence.

But in a week’s time, Luhan will still know everything.

And have to pretend he does not.

◑

Sehun awoke in a familiar bed - his friend Luhan’s. He slowly got up and looked around. Daylight shone through the window and it was warm. His eyes wandered from one corner of the room to the other. He felt well rested, but somehow a bit strange. He didn’t bother questioning why he was in Luhan’s bed. He often stayed over at Luhan’s place for whatever reason.

He hopped down off of the bed and walked down the stairs. He peeked into the kitchen to find Luhan reading the newspaper. The older boy’s wide eyed look was quickly replaced with a smile.

“Good morning.” Luhan’s greeting was natural. Perhaps nothing was strange after all. After a short conversation with Luhan, Sehun decided to take a walk. There was no particular reason, except for more assurance that this was a normal day, and nothing was wrong.

Sehun made his way out of Luhan’s neighborhood and to a nearby busy street. His legs seemed to guide themselves there, as Sehun didn’t recall memorizing the way nor did he get directions before he left. His senses focused in and out, feeling the soft glare of the sun above him and the clean scent of the air. He heard snippets of conversations as people walked by and the pitter patter of shoes on the sidewalk. He kept walking, vision blurring the crowds to his side, then suddenly turned his head back.

Did someone call my name?

Did i see someone i know?

Sehun searched for a reason his attention was suddenly grabbed. The crowd again blurred and focused back, and it was only then that he noticed, 

out of the corner of his eye,

a head of black hair

turning around.

◑

◑

You deserve better than this.

Love

after

me.