Author: PrincesSeoul

Story: The Story of a Fangirl

URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/26403

Reviewer: Cerebral

Title/Forward: 10/10

I respect the fact that out of the millions of stories out there that are truly a story of a fangirl, you made it simple, you made the title what it is as it is.

Your forward blew me away also; you were able to put in your feelings as a fangirl.  I’m pretty sure the majority of it was your own actual events though.

Feel/Originality: 2/10

Yes you over exaggerate the love for Eunhyuk a little but I can understand you couldn’t figure out a way to un-over exaggerate it.  Hell it might have been just a pure lack of imagery that would have made the story so much better.

And as I continue the story you seem to make them like her before knowing her personality.  She’s beautiful and out of the world like any other story out there.  You made her have talents that people do work hard for.  You mentioned her talent of popping only to add on to your plot.

Jay is a good idea though, some people don’t add their own placing in stories.

Plot/Flow: 7/20 (I’m almost going to combine originality >.>)

I know it’s hard to think up things, well not particularly hard for me >.>

Anyway!  There are times you add things on for plot, such as her having no money.  She can borrow, she has family.  She can go back to the US and pay back for everything.

You lack communication between her and Jay for the first time they met; you lacked a little past details on them too.  I mean it seems as if you rushed to get to the part where she meets the members, where that part is exaggerated also.  You sort of contradict yourself when you say she loves all members equally but Eunhyuk is a little more.  She gets sad that she doesn’t get Eunhyuk’s gaze but when Donghae kisses her she is ecstatic.

During the subway scene, once again for plot, they could easy get a taxi.

"Oh, no, Mrs. Lee, we can take a taxi, right, Eunhyuk?" Donghae assured optimistically.

Eunhyuk was aware that it wasn't too late to get back with a taxi, but something inside of him just didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay longer, as did Donghae and Jenny.

Which in the end you have created an inconsistency.

With heavy hearts, Donghae and Eunhyuk finally waved goodbye and left. Jenny stayed outside, watching them walk away until even their silhouttes had disappeared.

"Please God...let us meet again."

I forgot what a phone was.

Then she meets Eunhyuk again but why didn’t Donghae meet her.  Why did it have to be Eunhyuk?  As far as I’m concerned Donghae had more of an infatuation with her.

There’s a lack dialogue, even though it may seem like a lot, they hardly know her and I don’t see variations in her personality that makes her any different from any other sweet nice girl out there.  And there’s a lot.  A lot.

"Uh-oh is right," Kyuhyun replied. Without thinking, he grabbed Jenny's hand, mouther the words "Let's go" to her, then began running away from the busy city center, pulling Jenny with him.

Once again it is un-necessary to make him grab her hand, and it sort of easy to actually have a reason for her to run with him.  Instead of him grabbing her hand for no reason other than bringing along a 5000 pound weight.

Imagery/Writing Style: 13/20

Imagery=details.  It appeals to the five senses.  Smell, touch, hearing, seeing, and taste.  Now if you gave more of a perception of Eunhyuk’s image you would give off the feel of love, her eyes every notice of every little detail would show love.

Hell I sure did wish I knew how Jay looked, how cute he must have been and such.

I was also curious about how Korea looked in her eyes.  How Eunhyuk and Donghae looked from day to day.  Their windswept beautiful hair.

When Jenny was standing in the rain, her soaking wet self.  The light pats of the rain could be perfect imagery for romance.

Grammar/Format: 10/10

Your grammar is perfect but your story is all over the place.

I feel like your switch of POVs and time skips lack their own right moment.

Finishing Touch: 9/15

I hope to see you finish up the plot, I feel as if what you have now is not enough of a plot.  You might end up dragging it on too long too so be careful of that.  I believe 30 chapters is probably your limit?  You don’t really have a hooker so that’s the max your story can probably go.

51/85=60 pct

Now you probably got a low score from me (everyone does) so I hope you understand that some stories get 80 percent and there are stories that are 2x better than those stories.  In other words that would make those stories 160 percent.  And even the greatest authors are in the 90 percentile range.  So I’m sorry if you came here expecting a good percentage but reviews are supposed to help you gain knowledge of how to improve your stories.  (I get upset writers so I want to explain to them here to prevent upset moods.)