He sat and watched the couples pass him by as they admired the illumination’s centre piece. Whoever said the night was for lovers didn’t know how right they were and he couldn’t help but feel the painful sting of loneliness even more on nights like this.

Hugging himself tighter to keep cold at bay he felt a familiar lump sticking in his throat. Why did he do this to himself?

He knew how this night was going to end because every year was the same. The moment the season turned and those inescapable sickeningly happy melodies -that to his own disgust he knew by heart -begin to fill the air the night became filled with coloured stars and the playground of the love struck.

So why was he here?

He must be a masochist.

That’s it, he is a masochist.

Why else would he come here year after year?

Some part of him must revel in the painful reminder that he is alone. After countless New Year resolutions that he would not be alone next time nothing had changed. He still spent every Christmas Eve in this very courtyard, in this very spot watching, envying, and ultimately hating himself and his life more than his friends would have believed possible.

Oh, the things a well-practiced smile and an empty laugh could mask. If only they knew that the days he smiled the most were the days he hurt the most and every year he wore the biggest smile of non-existent Christmas cheer, all pearly whites and dimples, he wore it til he clocked out for the last time each year and no one was ever the wiser.

A woman, nestling beneath her lover’s arm looked his way as they passed by. In that brief moment when their eyes meet his stomach turned in shame.

He didn’t belong here.

The look in her eyes seemed to say it all. His depressed bachelor presence was killing the mood.

Glancing at his watch he wondered whether he should go home, not that there would be anything waiting for him. Just the same old emptiness he came home to every night, the same old emptiness that was slowly smothering him.

Eleven thirty.

It had been five hours since he finished work for the year and four and a half hours since he had taken up his vigil in the open air shopping arcade’s courtyard, seated on the tiled edge of an ornamental garden.

But still too early to go home.

Then again he could always stop by one of the old bars hidden away in the side streets near his apartment and drown his loneliness with a wash of warm sake, away from the maddening sappy romance that filled the air around him.

With a defeated sigh he made a move to reach down and grab his brief case.

‘beautiful isn’t it?’

He stopped and turned to the direction the voice had come from. A young man with spiked blonde hair had somehow managed to sit himself down next to him without him noticing. A soft expression on his face as he watched the older man straighten up as he realised the younger had been addressing him.

The young man noticed the questioning look he was being given and clarified his statement.

‘the tree I mean’

The other man grunted in reply. He wasn’t in the mood for small talk; he just wanted to be left alone like he always was, he wasn’t one for sudden breakings of routine.

‘umm,’

The younger man started again uncertainly, seemingly ignoring the disinterested set of the older man’s shoulders and the slightly frustrated edge to the way he had crossed his arms.

‘the truth is I’ve been watching you for a while now and thought that maybe you’d like someone to talk to.’

The older man gave him an incredulous glare.

‘n-no I’m not a stalker.’ The youth held up his palms in a gesture to indicate he had no ill intentions.

‘I work in the café just over there.’ He gestured to the French themed coffee shop across the court yard. ‘I noticed while I was working that you hadn’t moved for the last few hours. At first I thought you were waiting for someone but …’

The older man suddenly regretted not leaving as soon as the thought crossed his mind five minutes ago, he didn’t need pity conversations particularly from some punk kid he didn’t know.

Opting to leave his sentence hanging the youth turned away and for a moment the older man believed that he’d finally gotten the message and decided to give up.

‘Here. I thought you could do with one’

The older man stared down at the hot chocolate that the young man held out to him, the marshmallow bobbing hypnotically in the liquid.

At the lack of response the youth’s hand dropped slightly, the contents of the paper cup sloshed around slightly stirring up its rich sweet aroma. That beautiful seductive smell that washed over the older man’s tongue as he breathed, he could already taste the creamy drink running down his throat. He couldn’t let it go to waste.

With a silent resigned exhale he grasped the cup and nodded a brief thank you to his uninvited companion.

From the corner of his eye he could see the way the young man’s lips rolled together as the edges turned up into small smile.

A genuine smile.

When you spent years hiding behind forced smiles you quickly learnt what real ones looked like.

‘Be careful it might still be hot’ the blonde warned the elder as he brought the rim of the cup to his mouth. But the warning was heeded a little too late and the older man hissed as the hot drink scolded his lips.

The youth tried to hide a laugh behind his hand, but to little avail. 

‘I warned you’ He managed between burst of soft laughter.

The elder just scoffed and returned to his drink, trying to drink it as quickly as possible so that he could leave.

The blonde’s laughter slowly died down and he let the elder continue his drink in silence as he turned his attention to the hubbub of the love-struck couples that filled the courtyard, drawn like moths to the flame that was the Christmas illumination.

‘Its hard isn’t, being alone at Christmas.’

The elder almost choked on the hot chocolate as the blonde watched a particularly bubbly couple convince a passerby to take a photo of them in front of the huge Christmas tree that had been erected in the centre of the courtyard.

Confused by the sudden change in conversation the elder looked across to the youth and thought he saw a hint of something in his eyes before it was blinked away.

The blonde noticed that the older man had stopped drinking and a look of disappointment streaked across his face.

‘you don’t like it?’

‘w-what? Ah-no its fine’ the elder stammered.

There was something in the youth’s voiced that prompted a response from him, something the elder hadn’t planned on doing. He just wanted to go home and forget about everything he had been thinking about for the last five hours.

‘you don’t have to lie, I know I .’

The elder raised an eyebrow.

‘You made this?’

‘Yeah’

‘For me?’

‘Like I said before I thought you could do with one.’

‘Why?’

‘because its cold, I-I don’t know I just had some stupid thought that if you were still out here when I got off I’d give you one.’

The elder stared down into the half empty paper cup in his hands.

‘Was I really that obvious?’

‘Yeah, a guy in a suit sitting out here alone for god knows how many hours does stand out a bit.’ There was still the hint of laughter behind the young man’s voice as he spoke.

‘No one else seemed to notice.’

‘This time of year everyone’s too wrapped up in themselves to notice when others are hurting.’

‘What’s your excuse then?’

‘Birds of a feather.’ He answered cryptically.

The elder contemplated the answer for a moment before he downed the rest of the drink in his hand and reached down to his suit case.

‘well-ah, thanks’ he gestured to the cup.

‘no problem, I’m glad you liked it…’ the young man’s voice trailed off.

‘Yutaka’ the elder offered.

 ‘Akira, and if you ever want another one I’ll be here tomorrow night, because unlike my co-workers I don’t take Christmas off, got no one worth spending it with.’ He shrugged dismissively at the last statement.

‘Well then, ah merr-‘

Akira raised his hand to stop Kai mid–word.

‘how about a ‘catch you later’ instead? Coz I doubt our Christmases are merry.’

Kai grimaced awkwardly and nodded in understanding, his Christmases were never merry but force of habit and the need to keep his mask intact, least anyone know how he truly felt, had made the expected greeting nothing more than a conditioned behaviour for Yutaka. He never ever meant or believed it when he said it.

So the rejection of his empty words didn’t pain him in the least, in fact it took a weight of his shoulders. He didn’t have to fake his non-existent Christmas spirit.

‘Well then, catch you later.’

Akira raised his hand in a casual wave as Yutaka stepped back to leave.

‘Later.’

~~~

For some strange reason Yutaka once again found himself sitting alone on the edge of the ornamental garden, surrounded by starry eyed teenage sweet hearts and their more sedate but none the less gooey romantic adult counter-parts.

He had gone straight home the night before, completely forgetting about hitting the bar on his way back. It wasn’t until he was back in his apartment that he realized that he was still holding the paper cup from the hot chocolate the younger man had made him.

That was the thing Yutaka still couldn’t get his head around. A total stranger had gone out of their way to make him a hot chocolate and it was obviously the largest size drink that any coffee shop would offer. Yutaka had had plenty of experience with takeaway coffees to know that a cup that size was the biggest you would ever find, in this city at least.

Thinking about it now Yutaka realized that it wasn’t just a hot chocolate he had been offered, the young man had offered someone to talk to, some form of companionship at a time when it would mean the most, because nobody no mattered how hard-hearted they may be enjoyed spending Christmas alone.

Maybe that was what Yutaka was accepting in coming back, accepting that offer of friendship from a stranger. A stranger that didn’t care that Yutaka had no Christmas spirit because he himself seemed to have none.

A particularly vindictive gust of icy wind tore through the courtyard, kicking up the powdery snow and earning a few small shocked gasps as those stupid enough to wear skirts in winter clung tighter to their partners.

Pulling the collar of his winter coat higher around his neck, Yutaka grumbled silently to himself, then a familiar smell hit him and looking down he saw another tall paper cup of steaming hot chocolate being held under his nose.

‘this should warm you up’ came Akira’s voice as he sat himself down at Yutaka’s side.

Without hesitation Yutaka gladly accepted the drink, letting the heat warm his hands.

‘How did you know I would come?’

‘I didn’t’, Akira answered bluntly. ‘I spotted you just as I was getting off my shift. If you’d come by any later we would have missed each other.’

Yutaka nodded in acknowledgement. He had been beginning to wonder whether the blonde would show, even though he had only been waiting just over half an hour.

Slipping his hand in to the pocket of his coat Yutaka found what he was looking for.

‘Here’, he handed over two crisp thousand yen notes that he had pulled from his pocket. ‘Keep the change; otherwise let me know if it’s not enough.’

Akira just stared at the money being held out to him. The older man continued to hold out the notes despite the lack of response from Akira. He hated owing people anything, particularly for things he could have gotten himself.

‘it’s for the drinks.’ Yutaka clarified as Akira pushed his hand away.

‘no need, man. I made those off my own back; you don’t have to pay me for them.’

‘but’ Yutaka protested indignantly.

‘think of them as a Christmas present if it makes it easier.’

A Christmas present?

‘I’m serious put your money away.’ There was a slight tone of offence that matched Yutaka’s indignation in Akira’s voice as he pushed Yutaka’s hand further away.  ‘Can’t anyone do something kind and selfless these days without others assuming they want money out of it.’

Yutaka dropped his head, still stuck on what Akira had said, a Christmas present? It had been a long time since he last received something for Christmas because someone actually wanted to give him something, instead of doing so because they felt obligated to because he was their boss or their ‘friend’.

Silently he watched the marshmallows soak up the liquid chocolate as they floated around in his cup. In his hand he held the cheapest, simplest, and most unassuming gift he had ever received and at the end of it all would only have a paper cup to show for it. But somehow he wanted to smile, to laugh at how such a simple gesture threw him.

And for the first time in a long time Yutaka wanted to repay the act in kind.

But how?

He knew nothing about the young man so what could he do for him, of course the lack of knowing someone hadn’t stopped Akira.

Looking carefully at the blonde Yutaka pondered what he could do. The young man’s hair was still styled in the deliberate spikes he had sported the night before and the band over his nose, which had slipped Yutaka’s notice the night before as he tried to ignore Akira, drew attention to the content smile beneath it, the slight delicate smile of someone who didn’t need anything.

 Then he noticed it, the way Akira had drawn his shoulders up, effectively locking his arms to his sides as he wrung his bare hands trying to rub away the blue tinge in the tips of his fingers.

Shifting quietly Yutaka put down his hot chocolate and moved closer to the blonde, holding out his thick black woollen gloves.

‘Here, you look like you could do with a pair.’

Akira’s eyes widened disbelievingly at the offer.

‘they’re not much but anything to keep the cold off is better than nothing.’

The young man shifted back from Yutaka uncomfortably, his gaze questioningly moving between the gloves and the older man as though he was waiting for the catch.

‘Think of it as a Christmas present if it makes it easier, catching a cold is not the best way to spend your time off.’

After a moment of contemplating what Yutaka had said, the younger man’s shoulders obviously relaxed.

‘thank you’, he muttered quietly, almost embarrassedly, as he reached out and accepted the gloves slipping his hands into them gingerly. It was obvious he hadn’t been expecting Yutaka to return his generosity in kind.

 ‘they’re a perfect fit.’

Yutaka smiled awkwardly, surprised with himself that he actually wanted to smile. The younger man obviously appreciated the gesture with the way he smiled back; the embarrassment still there as he rubbed his now gloved hands together.

‘you’re welcome’

A high pitched giggle caught both of their attention as a young girl hung from her boyfriend’s neck. Apparently she had slipped in the icy pavement.

Akira sighed and began fidgeting with the decorative straps and buckles on his baggy cargo pants. Yutaka had to admit he still didn’t get this kid; he tried and failed to understand it the night before as he sat in his lounge room staring at the paper cup he had inadvertently brought home.

Last night he had been so nonchalant around Yutaka but now there was a distinct air of discomfort around him that Yutaka couldn’t put his finger on. Had it been a bad idea to give the young man his gloves, it was obvious that he hadn’t expected it maybe that’s why he was acting a little strange.

Had Yutaka offended him in some way but the young man was just too polite to leave?

After what seemed like forever in silence trying to understand if and how he could have offended Akira, Yutaka noticed the minute hand on the courtyard’s gold clock clicked over.

It was now a minute past midnight.

Akira sighed with relief that contented smile back on his face.

Yutaka looked down at the blonde questioningly, confused. Lost in his thoughts Yutaka hadn’t noticed that the young man had moved in closer to the elder’s side, to the point that his head was resting comfortably on Yutaka’s shoulder.

‘I didn’t spend Christmas alone.’ The young man whispered through his growing smile.

wha-

‘I had someone worth spending it with’ turning his head slightly Akira looked up to Yutaka. ‘You’

Without warning Akira leant forward and gently pressed his lips to Yutaka’s, waiting there briefly before moving back.

‘Merry Christmas, Yutaka.’

And before Yutaka could even register the action, the young blonde stood and walked away disappearing into the crowd.