“Daesung.” I could almost see the bliss I had found myself in crack and shatter as my voice bounded through the silence of the foyer. 

“Hi Seunghyun.” The thinly veiled pain in his sweet voice left a deep ache in my chest. It mirrored the pain of our last conversation and its return made it no easier to swallow.

“It’s been a long time.”

“Yeah, six months.”

“I know.” My words came abruptly, leaving a silence in which the already strained tension built further.

Six months felt like an eternity, a world away from where I found myself now. We had met the previous January, Daesung the photographer for a piece I was directing. His sweet smile and warm words were a ready reprieve from the winter’s chill that always hung too heavy on my shoulders. He staved off the cold the winter long and at the coming of spring he was still there. It was still easy then. His smile bloomed like plum blossoms and the cold beneath my ribs had subsided.

But the season changed and so did our relationship. With every touch, every look, I began to feel the weight of Daesung’s heart. It was heavy, full, and my chest was still far too full of ice to ever sustain it. Daesung was so full of warmth, of love, and he deserved more than the barren tundra that resided in me. He began to feel it too. His smiles were never quite full, the glimmer in his eyes fell dim.

Winter came again and it felt like deja vu. The last weekend of November was also our last together. Daesung had sat me down after dinner with a warm fire and fine wine. He had received a contract in Japan to shoot spring fashion week. He would be gone for months. He stopped me before my congratulations.

“I love you Seunghyun. I love you. And if you can love me too I know you’ll wait for me. But if you can’t I’ll know just to take my leave.” The woe in his words still leaves me wracked with guilt. He knew.

Our eyes met and he gave me a crestfallen smile. His warm hand sat on my cheek one last time and his lips graced my forehead.

“Goodbye Seunghyun.”

He collected the bulk of his possessions that had found residence in my place the next week and I found myself in another winter of solitude. At least until Jiyong. Jiyong.

My head shot up as Daesung spoke. “Your new boyfriend?”

“No, no. Just an old friend.” My heart fell to my feet as my eyes met Jiyong’s. His face held a smile. Forced, practiced. The same smile he had the last time we said goodbye.

“I don’t want to be in the way, so I’ll just go.” I could feel the sting at the corners of my eyes.

“Jiyong wait!” My words were met only by the closing door, and my fist met the wall.

“I’m sorry hyung.” Daesung’s words were almost silent, afraid of what may come next.

“Your boxes are in my office.” I sunk against the wall, having little desire to hear anything Daesung said at the point.

Daesung silently left the room, disappearing into the house before returning to my side, three boxes in tow. He towered over me for a moment, quietly watching as I felt the strings that bound me together begin to unwind.

“It was him, wasn’t it?” His quiet question finally breaking the painful silence.

“What?”

“That kept you from loving me.”

“Dae please-” I choked, still trying to fight the building pressure of tears that continued to swell.

“No, it’s okay.” he softly cut me off. A small smile present in spite of the situation. “You love him.”

It was strange to hear it from someone else’s lips. I had thought countless times of the love that tangled through my veins, warming my heart and holding it captive. The always imperfect ways I planned to let my feeling known, but never had it been uttered by another. 

“Yeah I do.” My eyes traced the wood grain between my feet, seemingly looking for a resolution. I felt that familiar warm hand on my cheek and was met by sad chocolate eyes.

“Then tell him. You have to tell him.” Daesung whisper nearly pleaded.

My words seemed unable to breach the hitch in my throat and the tears I had fought back finally found their path down flushed cheeks.

“He’s waiting. Trust me.”