Dear God,

I'm not catholic, so I don't know why I'm writing this to you.

Wait- why the hell am I even writing in the first place?!

I'm going crazy.

-Kris

It's been four years since I first met my...fr-frrr-ffrriiee-frrrrriiiieeennnnnn- yeah, those peasants. Did you know that people never really change?

"Hey, Kris!" Xiumin's voice yelled into the classroom. 

"Aw !" i screamed and I quickly looked for places to hide. But I'm practically a tree, so I can't hide anywhere. I thought about jumping out the window. Maybe I could fly after all?

"Oh no, you don't!" another voice yelled, which I immediately knew was Luhan. At that moment, this giant claw burst through the ceiling of he classroom and picked me up. I screamed a bit.

"YAH, YOU IDIOTS! PUT ME DOWN!!" I screamed. Then I looked up and saw Chen standing with Luhan and Xiumin, holding a joystick and controlling the claw. I was suddenly reminded of those vender machine games, where you use a claw to catch the toy. Then I looked around the classroom to see if someone could save me.

They were all playing monopoly. 

ing monopoly.

A giant claw had just birst threw the roof...and they're playing ing monopoly...

ing mindblown. 

I was soon put down in front of my frrr-frrrii-frrie-frrrrrrrrriiiiieeeennn- yeah those people, and once I landed on the floor, Luhan and Lay dropped by my side and started tying me up. 

"What the hell, you guys?!" I shouted. 

"We're going to kidnap you, Kris!" Luhan smiled. Sadistic . "We're going to do it properly. We'll ask for ransom...and probably tortue you...and maybe starve you...then video us doing nasty things to you..."

"Wait! Hold on, what?!" I shouted, but soon, a piece of tape was placed over my mouth. Then Luhan placed his finger over my mouth and gave me a seductive eye smile.

"Shh, darling. Be quiet...save your shouts for later..." he whispered and my eyes grew wide. 

"MOVEROMFFBREAKINGCAAWD!" I muffled through the tape. I looked around to see if anyone was looking now.

...

They were now playing chess.

ing chess.

"CHECK MATE, !" some random classmate shouted out loud. 

At that moment, I began to kick around, swearing my off and trying to probably split my frrr-frrriiie-frrriieeeeennn- yeah those kids, I tried to split their liver. 

"Yah! Keep still!" Lay cried out and poked my forehead. "Xiumin! Knock him out with an explosion!" Then Xiumin started digging through his kit and started piecing things together. My eyes widened even more. 

I lifted up my foot and attempted to kick him in the face, when all of a sudden, there was a black whirl in front of me and whatever it was, grabbed my foot, just as it was about to collide with my face. 

Everyone turned towards the intruder and we all widened our eyes. Who the hell is he?! 

He was wearing this weird cloak and he looked like he was the main role of a horror movie. I was pretty sure that those dark features of his were not make-up.

Then, the intruder gently lifted my foot up and held me above the ground, upside down.

"Be calm, ancient one..." the intruder whispered. "We should not hurt our friends-"

"Are you talking about these peasan-" I tried to interupt. But shortly afterwards, I got a sharp jab to my stomach.

"They are your friends...I can feel the vibe," he replied. "Why do you hurt such kind hearted people? Why are you so angry?"

"Because I-"

"There is no excuse!" the intruder shouted. "They are your friends and we must treat our friends like flowers...beautiful flowers...friends are like flowers, from the garden of God~"

"I can't-"

"Hold on, I just got a text," the intruder said. Then, holding me with one arm, he got out his phone and started texting. Luhan, Xiumin, Chen and Lay looked over to see who he was texting.

"Master Lee?" Xiumin whispered. 

"Yes, he is my master. He takes care of me," the intruder replied. 

"Ah...is he a monk?" Chen asked, after looking at the intruder's attire. The intruder nodded back. 

"Goodness gracious, Master Lee wants to go see the new Breaking Dawn movie," the intruder laughed. Then he pocketed his phone and his attention was back to me. 

"Can you like put me do-"

"Breathe in and out, old dragon," the intruder said. I furrowed my eyebrows.

"I can't do th-"

"Then imagine being engulfed my baby clouds and flying with the birds!"

"I can see it, Xiumin!" Lay cried. All my frrr-frrriii-frrieenn-frriieen- yeah, those goofballs, had their eyes losed and were doing exactly what the intruder was instructing. I wanted to bang my head against something, but I was still upside down.

"Can you feel the wind between your fingers?" the intruder asked. 

"I can feel it!" Luhan cried with a smile. "It feels so good! Kris, you have to try this out!"

"I don't wa-"

"Don't argue, drago-"

"STOP ING INTERRUPTING ING ME AND ING PUT ME ING DOWN THIS ING INSTANT!!!!" I screamed and the intruder looked at me with surprise. Then suddenly, his eyes went dark and he let go of me. I landed on my head and probably killed about 1/4 of the brain cells in my head. Once I had gotten up, he pointed a finger at me.

"You...have got some seriously bad vibes," the intruder said, before walking off with grace. I swear, it didn't seem like he was even touching the ground.

"Aw...I wanted to see more..." Chen pouted. 

BOOM.

We all looked at Xiumin who was now covered in black soot and he blushed a bit.

"Delayed explosion..." Xiumin laughed awkwardly.

"What are you kids doing, today?" our homeroom teacher asked as he walked past us. Our teacher, Mr. Park, was pretty weird. he was pretty much used to this kind of thing every morning, so he just disregarded it as a daily routine. 

"We're going to kidnap Kris and ask for ransom!" Luhan smiled. 

"Just make sure you ask for a good price though. We don't want hard work to go to waste. People in asian fanfiction never ask for enough," Mr. Park replied and walked into the classroom.

I watched him leave.

..

...

....

.....

......

All by myself~ I don't want to be for-this-current-situation-for-the-time-being all by myself~

"Come on in, kids!" Mr. Park shouted from inside and while the others were distracted, I quickly ran into the classroom and took my seat. I wiped my brow in happiness.

Finally...free...

"Well kids, I guess I'm going to have to go all cliche-asian-fanfiction on you all and say that you are going to have a new student, who is probably going to be one of your life soulmates in the next few chapters of your school life!" Mr. Park called out. I face palmed myself. Mr. Park was so weird. 

Then, in walked Mr. Intruder.

"Hello! Nice to meet you! I am Tao," Tao said and bowed.  

"Go on...be free.." I whispered and slowly let my freedom fly away. Now, I have no freedom. 

"I think, that your possible life soulmate will be Kris. He's the angry looking bird sitting in the back, dark corner of the room. Feel free to do indecent stuff to each other during class, because that's how soulmates build up their hate relationship into flowering relationships in asian fanfiction," Mr. Park said and I slammed my head against the wall, wanting to knock myself out. Mr. Park had recently gotten into asian fanfiction. I think he's read too much.

"Of course," Tao replied. "Shouldn't I introduce myself, though?"

"Nope," the teacher shook his head. "Because you see, in asian fanfiction, the teacher always lets the students have a self introduction followed by a question session and that usually includes having the girls in the classroom ask if they can call you 'Oppa' or if you have a girlfriend or what is your ideal type. But I strongly think that your soulmate is Kris, so I will protect you."

"Um..." Tao bit his lip.

"KRIS!! TAO BIT HIS LIP! THAT'S YOUR INDICATION TO MAKE YOUR HEART START RACING FASTER AND TO START THINKING THINGS LIKE, "Wow, that was so y- Wait! Why the hell am I thinking these things?!' Got it?!" Mr. Park screamed and everyone turned to look at me. I had, by then, split the desk in half because I had slammed my head on it a bit too much. 

"I don't fully agree with you, Mr. Park-" Tao tried to say.

"Ah, but that's what they always say in asian fanfiction!" Mr. Park interrupted. I slapped myself. 

"But I will stay by his side and help his dark vibe be more vibrant and positive," Tao replied. 

"Oh Tao~ You're so sweet! You and Kris will make the perfect couple! Just like in asian fanfiction!!" Mr. Park fangirled before pushing Tao over to the spare seat next to me. 

Tao looked at me and then smiled.

"Hi, I'm Tao."

"You already said that."

"I want to help you."

"I don't want your help."

"So you admit that you need it?"

"GO. . YOURSELF," I replied harshly. At that moment, the teacher suddenly landed on our desks and looked up at me.

"NO, KRIS! You've got it all wrong! You're supposed to say, 'COME. . WITH. ME. Not, 'GO. . YOURSELF.' That's how it goes in the asian fanfiction!" Mr. Park protested from the other side of the room.

Oh my God.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gonna leave you with Xiumin now!

ing y. rock it, xiu baby!

Oh and thanks to all you amazing idiots who subscribed to this weird fanfic. You guys...are so stupid amazing.

Honestly...why the hell are you still reading this?!