Now

I know that it’s the end

I know that it’s all just foolishness

Now I know that it’s not true

…

Kikwang couldn't sleep, not this night, not even when he tried to drown the surrounding sounds by pressing a pillow to his ears and squeezing his eyes shut and he kept remembering himself several times - sleep, Kikwang, sleep. But he still heard the sounds that made him not able to fall asleep. Oh how he wished he could travel to dreamland now. The moans and whimpers which were gauging holes through the walls were too loud, pleading even and he cursed in his head at the architect for making the walls so thin. But he apparently was the only one who heard those noises, since Junhyung still slept soundlessly and without a bother next to him in his own bed, just occasionally adding a quiet snore to it once in a while or rustling with his sheets as he turned around to his other side.

"Oh, Doojoonie..." a voice murmured and a sickly sweet sound was once again coming through the walls. Kikwang just whined and buried his face into his mattress, pressing the pillow more forcefully to his ears. After a while he was too tired and eventually he was dragged to sleep.

"Hey, Kikwang." Yoseob came up to him the next day, tilting his head as he saw that his friend wasn't really in a bright mood and just shot him a look as if he would kill him any moment. "Ah. Are you okay?" he bit his lip and eyed Kikwang, noticing he had getting dark circles under his eyes. Kikwang just nodded, smiling faintly. "Neh, just a little tired because I hardly slept the last night." Yoseob pouted faintly. "My poor Kikwangie~" he started and added "I slept wonderful last night. How come you didn't??" He said it with a small smile, feeling bad for Kikwang and oh but Kikwang knew, he knew what the reason for his wonderful night sleep was and why he felt so energetic even though he slept just about two hours also - which he just guessed now.

Yoseob looked Kikwang up and down, not very noticeable, and walked around the younger, who followed him with his eyes, turning around in his spot and he raised a brow at his friend. Yoseob grinned and stepped closer. "I can make you feel better though..." he purred and trailed his finger over Kikwangs dressed body from his abs to his chest and he leaned closer.

Oh? Was today Kikwang-Friday?  Had he Junhyung-Wednesday and Doojoon-Thursday?

Kilwang frowned and pressed his palms against Yoseobs chest, holding him back - which certainly confused the latter. "That's not part of my schedules today, sorry." Kikwang said, sounding a little too harsh, regretting it the moment after but he finished with leaving the kitchen. Yoseob stood there for a moment, not really comprehending what had just happened and he felt quite dumbfounded. "Wait, what?" He tried to understand and followed Kikwang immediately. Kikwang had never refused before. "Yah. What the heck was that?!"

Yoseob now stood leaning against the doorframe of Kikwangs and Junhyungs shared and messy room. Kikwang sighed, stopping what he was doing for a moment and glanced back. "Well, I'm obviously not in the mood to literally around with you. Especially since I'm not one of your toys. Even though I know you want me to be." Yoseobs mouth hung agape and his brows furrowed, still not understanding much. "What the hell are you talking about? Are you stupid?!"

"Maybe I am." Kikwang just shrugged and left the room past Yoseob again without taking any further look at the elder, which just made the latter more angry and upset and hurt all at once. ", Kikwang! What is wrong?!" Kikwang spun around at that, scowling. "Oh, well, hm" he started, hands shoving into the pockets of his jeans and he pretended to think about it. "Maybe it was wrong of you to around with all of BEAST?!" He took a few steps closer, pointing at Yoseob, accusing him as he tried to control his voice "You're such a and I regret having slept with you because I thought I meant something to you! I- I thought you liked me. For once I thought...someone liked me." Kikwang said, getting quieter again with every sentence he said and he lowered his head, gaze fixed on the floor and then he shrugged, "But yeah, I just must've been stupid then." Kikwang felt stupid for seemingly overreacting right now, alas Yoseob had not the same feelings for him and just saw him as a friend with benefits. He couldn't look up at Yoseob as he regretted the words he just threw at the other.

Yoseob swallowed thickly, staring at his friend for a long, silent moment and a feeling of regret and anxiousness crept through his body, freezing him instantly. "I- I didn't know....you felt that way." he murmured and looked away, not even having thought that Kikwang had noticed that he had with the other members.

"I'm sorry." Yoseob murmured the quiet apology, which barely could pass his lips. He never felt he did something wrong, he never thought he'd do wrong to other people. He'd never thought and wanted to do wrong to his best friend. Also he never felt obliged to any other person and he had never thought Kikwang liked him enough to get jealous over that. He tought he was just fooling around with his friend, both being curious and just the onr night they first did it, but he was glad he lost his ity to someone like him - to him.

"I- I do like you though." Yoseob said and Kikwang looked up at him, eyes widened slightly. "I am serious, I really like you." He took a step forward, placing his hands tentatively on Kikwangs cheeks which made the younger look up at him, his gaze was wavering and he seemed lost as his eyes teared up. "It is different with you. It always has been. It's softer and ...just a little more than perfect. There are feelings involved I can't describe, because actually...well,...you know I at expressing my feelings." With a faint smile he tilted his head and watched how Kikwang himself started to smile at that little remark, nodding faintly and tears were running down his cheeks which were caught by Yoseobs thumbs as they were wiping them gently away. "I just never thought you'd like me, too. So I never ...I don't know." He bit his lip, frowning as he forgot for a moment where he was heading.

He didn't need to say anything else anymore,  he even couldn't as Kikwang just took the opportunity to kiss the male in front of him, his soft, plump lips moving against the other pair of red lips. He took Yoseob by surprise with that action and placed his hands on the elders hips, pulling him much closer against himself.

Yoseob pulled back, his eyes half opened again and with curiosity drawn across Kikwangs face he also glanced back at him, raising a brow. Yoseob grinned. "You give me butterflies." he admitted, giggling as Kikwangs face softened and his eyes were turning into crescents, hidden by his lashes as he flashed one of his most gorgeous smiles.

Both of them found themselves later entangled under the sheets in Yoseobs bed while the room was locked up, not wanting anyone of BEAST to disturb. Fingers caressing skin and lips kissing each other and only stopping to in a quick breath once in a while.

Kikwang took a draw on the cigarette which was locked between his lips, holding his breath for a moment and then he released the smoke into the air of the living room again. He stared into nothing for a while and his thoughts were a jumbled up mess as he couldn't concentrate on a single thought which was crossing his mind. He took another draw, inhaling deeply and his thoughts suddenly stopped as the blanket was moving because of the man on top of him.

A head popped up into his vision and he couldn't help but smile at the sleepiness which was drawn across the others face and maybe he even noticed a faint pout. Kikwang lifted his hand to run his hand lovingly through the others hair. "Did you sleep well?"

He received a small nod and a hoarse "Neh." and the head fell down against his chest again, nuzzling into it. Kikwang chuckled and he pulled the blanket higher over his lover, his hand now running over the others back.

After the little fling they head together earlier, Yoseob fell asleep on top of Kikwang and while they were cuddling for a while, neither had said a thing.

While Kikwang was caressing the other male and filling the air with smoke, Yoseob just stared at the reflection of themselves further away in some glassy doors of some shelves. He bit his lip. He felt guilty, he felt bad and he felt like he hurt himself with letting his life be entwined with Kikwangs for a moment again, because he knew how hard it would be to let go of that married man again.

Yoseobs hands rested against Kikwangs sides , his fingertips pressing more into the others skin. "What are you thinking about?" Kikwang asked and his hands pulled Yoseobs away, entangling their fingers. He knew some thoughts must be gnawing on the back of Yoseobs head because Yoseob always unconsciously gripped something tightly or pressed his fingers too firmly against whatever he was holding or wherever they were pressing against.

Yoseob didn't answer. He didn't want to answer because right now all he was thinking about was how he wanted to leave and be alone again and how he wished that his way didn't encounter the others.

He closed his eyes again and as Kikwang asked a second time, all he got was "Let me sleep some more."

Yoseobs feelings were conflicted. As much as he wanted to leave Kikwang again and hope they would never see each other again, he also wanted to stay in the others arms, wanting to be close and feel his warmth while he would be caressed by the others hands and lips.

"Yoseob." Kikwang spoke up after a while, his arm was extending to the side to press the cigarette into an ash tray. Yoseob hummed in a questioning manner. "Stay the night." Yoseob looked up, pouting faintly.

"Ani."

): some jumbled up mess between past and the present and yeah dhsaoifjasoijfasoijd WHERE AM I GOING WITH THIS HUH D: