I stand at the top of the building, my eyes close. The warmth of my surroundings envelope me in its embrace; the sudden cool breeze my face. Here I stand high but alone, facing the world I can’t return to. I take a step forward, looking down. Everything will be over if I fall. Was it a choice, you ask, maybe not.

With me, you’ll never have to walk alone. I lied. Everything will be fine. I lied.

I clench my fist, screaming at the top of my lungs. I’m a monster. I lied to the love of my life. I lied to the only person who was there for me when I was seen as an outcast. I don’t deserve him, I never did. Frustration, guilt, hopelessness filled my entire being. I’m not worthy of living.

Here I stand high with my hand extend to the sky; a train of thoughts passing through my mind like a bullet piercing my heart. Is it possible to start this all over? Is it possible to go back to those times when we danced even though we both had two left feet, sung till our voice went hoarse and kissed under the covers of the stars? Those times when I caressed your cheek and brushed your hair, swirling it behind your ear? How we stared into each other’s eyes with affection, adoration, I wish for us to be like that again.

I laugh. Am I a moron? Well, I am. I sigh, my breath heavy and troubled. He can never forgive me; he can never look at me as the person who he once poured his heart out to. He was always by my side, yet I placed him aside, and took everything he gave me for granted. This happened because of my foolishness, this happened because I didn’t know how to appreciate what life gave me. This was entirely my fault.

Here I stand high with my heart shredded into pieces, but it isn’t as painful as what he felt, like all those times when I pushed him aside for another guy.

Yi Xing came into my life before I knew it and we became the best of friends. We hung out, we drank, we were just good friends. But he was feeling insecure, the unsettling feeling that Yi Xing was going to replace him torn him apart. He couldn’t stand Yi Xing; just by mentioning his name would put him into a bad mood. I saw everything but I didn’t question anything. Sometimes things just aren't the way it seems... Cause you know that you’re so cold. Looking back, I’d grab my hair and slap myself for being such idiot. I brought sorrow upon him; his eyes were filled with loneliness but I couldn’t see it. Tears looked like they would escape and course down his cheeks, but he endured it. He told me that he still loves me for everything.

Once again, I took him for granted.

It was a quiet night; no hoots from the owls nor were there meows from the cats. We spent some time together and I heard him mumbled. I will never forgive anyone who tries to hurt me. No one messes with me. My eyes widen in shock, he wouldn’t say something like that. What made him like this? Then it hit me. I was the cause of this. It was because of me that he changed, changed into this person that isn’t even him anymore. Even Yi Xing noticed that he has changed. The feeling of being lonely and unwanted filled his heart with uneasiness and it turned him into this. Is it too late to say sorry?

Here I stand high with nothing but my memories slowly pushing me off reality. I want to change this. I need to change this. And this path I’m taking might not make it any better but it will replenish my sins, I believed. There’s no turning back. Taking a step forward, I fell. It was high, a long fall down. My life flashes before my eyes as my bones shatter and crimson spill out. I couldn’t feel my body anymore. This is the end. And only now that I realize, what I did was absolutely foolish. I love this life as Kris more than I ever knew.

Getting to know Kris was one of the best things that ever happened to me. ~ Huang Zi Tao, the love of my life.