"No one falls in love by choice. It's by chance. No one stays in love by chance; it's by effort. And no one falls out of love by effort. It's by choice."
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-1-

The wide expanse of my room seemed to shrink inwardly against me. The light emanating from the dim moonlight is faintly luminous through the blinds of my curtain. Darkness eats the remaining source of light. Only the unsteady blinking of the fallen lampshade can reach the corner of my eyes.

The floor is filled with crumpled papers, torn in a hidden solace. Scattered pieces of shattered vase, that failed to cushion its dried petals, joined the broken pieces of glass and bottles of wines on a little garage sale.

The warm comfort my room once offered seemed to disappear gradually each passing night.

Where did everything started? How did everything turned out this way?

My grip tightened around the neck of the bottle in my right hand. I held it upon my lips before taking in a large volume of the bitter vermouth. I shook my head lightly and scoffed bitterly to myself.

Who else is there to blame but me?

I let her go away. I was the one who helped my friend in his surprises for her. I was the one who would give her the rose, telling her that it came from her secret admirer. I did him favours to add up spices in his pursuit on her. I did all that… when all I’ve ever wanted was to ask her to give me a chance instead.

But all I did was to step aside and let selflessness rule me out.

Come to think about it. If only I didn’t consider what’s right or wrong, if only I’d been selfish enough, if only I’d fought for my right to express my feelings to her, I wouldn’t be sulking in the middle of nowhere. I wouldn’t be trying to drown my feelings with alcohol every other night. I wouldn’t be pretending that everything is all right; that I feel happy for the both of them.

But my heart can only choose one. And I chose my friendship with Aaron. I can never be selfish. Aaron already gave way for me when I dated his best friend. It’s my turn to make a sacrifice.

I know I’m doing the right thing but until now, I still kept on convincing myself to let her go.

Let go.

Why is it so hard?

The way her eyes would look at me, speaking to me in a silent plea. The way her hair frames the soft features of her angelic face. The way her smile can add an extra thump in my heartbeat. The way her cheeks would blush every time I give her the roses that Aaron asked me to give her. The way she would hold my hand to display her sincere act of gratitude.

It’s so hard to let go.

It’s already seven o’clock of Valentines eve. Five hours from now, she will be there… she will arrive at the spot where I asked her to wait. I will be the one who will fetch her from her house. I can only be the one who will support the both of them. I will be the reason why they will be tied together.

She will learn that Aaron is her secret admirer. And who will tell her?

Me.

And they will be together.

All because of me.

I’m trying to fix Arron’s relationship when my own heart itself isn’t functioning properly. I’ve been lost for the past fourteen days. It’s been fourteen days since Arron sought for my help in helping him with Ella. I gladly agreed to him. But as time goes by, as I get to spend more time with her, I realized that I’m falling for her.

But I cannot make a move. I’m stuck. Whenever I get lost in a moment of folly, and came so close to confessing to her, I would always stop myself from going any further.

Pain could only seep through me and I can only feel my heart shatter more day by day.

I get to spend time with her, but it has nothing to do with my own feelings. I get to spend time with her because I have to help Arron. I need to know information about her. I need to know her likes and dislikes because Arron asked me to. And as I get to know her more, I fall for her deeper. And it hurts to know that friendship is the closest connection we can ever have.

I spend time with her but I always have to remind myself that it’s only temporary. I would have to let her go, eventually.

I’ve never had enough sleep at all since I realized that I already love her. How am I supposed to accomplish the task Arron gave me if my heart is telling me to do otherwise? If only I can be selfish enough, I am not suffering by now.

Collusion of feelings consumed me and I feel torn. Torn between what I want to do and what I need to do. But I know that I cannot possibly betray my friend, even if it means depriving me of happiness.

I clutched my shirt tightly and breathed out.

It hurts.

Why does it have to be her?

Is it really a natural human tendency to fall for the person they cannot have?

-2-

I stepped into the moist cement and fixed my sleeves. The wind blew across my raven hair, messing with them. I could feel my heart thumping in a rhythm unknown to me. I took an inward breath to calm myself. Until now, I have to remind myself that I’m only the matchmaker; and that I have to do this for my friend; not for myself.

I need to convince myself all the time, self-consciously. But it isn't a success all the time. There had been times when I want to tuck away the strayed strands of her hair to have a clearer view of her eyes. I want to spend a calm afternoon with her by watching the sunset. I want to hug her to me and breathe in her scent. I want to tell her how I feel for her. I want to tell her my endless promises of eternal love.

But I cannot possibly ruin her happiness because of this selfish love. Though I want to be happy with her, her happiness is more important to me.

I heard the door creaking open and an angel walked out.

Her eyes are shaded with faint lavender. Her lips looked luscious in hue of pink. Her white cocktail dress accentuated the gorgeous curves of her body. The blush of her cheeks made her look so innocent.

At that moment, I felt like I wanted to cherish her forever. I wanted to hide her from all men. I wanted to own her. I wanted her to feel the warmth of my love. I wanted to wrap her in my arms forever.

My heart constricted uncomfortably inside my ribcage. Why is she making it so hard to let her go?

I blinked away the tears that are threatening to fill the rim of my eyes.

This is what my friend has— this alluring lady before me.

And me?

She can only remain as my ever-distant dream…

-3-

I could feel my hands getting cold and clammy as I guide her along the garden. She held onto my hand and asked me to lead the way. I tried to swallow the lump forming on my throat. I smiled, after much difficulty.

I on my breath as I try to steady my breathing. My brain and my heart tugged against one another and I felt lost. I don’t know how to react.

And yet I felt like I need to do something. Without another thought, I did what my heart told me to do; something I’ve been longing to do for so long.

I held her hand.

I interlocked our hands together and pulled her gently towards my side. Her hand is so soft and warm. I fought the urge to it in an affectionate caress. For a moment, I could only pretend, I could only deceive myself, that she’s mine. I can only give myself several seconds of pure elation. Having her so close to me is like heaven itself.

We strolled through the garden. The faintly luminous light of the moon peeped through the thin layer of clouds. I tilted my head and silently whispered a solemn wish.

I wish...

I wish that she'll find her happiness.

And I know that her happiness is not here with me.

I led her through the small dome-shaped gazebo in the middle of the garden, where a dinner for two is arranged. The fragrant scent of the flowers travelled through the midnight air.

My heart softened. If only this moment is mine...

I defied my brain's impatient insistence and looked at Ella. Her eyes are misty with happiness.

And my heart broke.

Little by little, oxygen seemed to leave my body and I can feel my knees tremble. I feel so weak and helpless.

I led her inside the open gazebo, assisted her on her seat, and gave her the bouquet.

Roses were the sign of my love for her.

I gave her roses since the first time I helped Arron with her. Though those roses came from Arron, I still consider the feelings as mine. I gave her the roses, not just because I'm supposed to give it to her, but because I want to. Because my heart willed me to.

And this bouquet would be the last.

I bit my lower lip and blinked my tears away. I don't want her to see my weakness

Despite my unwillingness to go, I know I must.

I bowed, a small smile playing on my lips.

I turned to look at her.

I want to see her eyes and hold them in mine.

One last time.

I turned, unable to control the reverberations of hatred, of pain, of despair.

I turned, unable to bear the startling reflection of self-blame, of self-pity, of self-defeat.

...

I turned, and let her go.

-4-

I kicked a strayed stone warily, feeling the crippling pain taking control of my heart. This is pure torture, and I'm in the brink of death. The enchanting abyss down my feet looked so inviting before my blurry eyes.

I hope she's having fun. I want to know how she will react once she figured out that Arron is her admirer. I wonder...

But I cannot will myself to look at how happy she will be about the uncovered truth.

Ella's my light in the middle of a vast emptiness. She's all I ever wanted. And now that my light is gone, I can see no direction in my life. I feel so lost.

I need her.

But she's never mine to keep.

Arron might've told her already that I was the match-maker.

And I can only ever remain as one.

The faint light from my watch told me that it's already one o'clock. It's St. Valentine's Day.

Indeed.

A valiant beginning for Arron and Ella.

And it will be my death anniversary.

...

A deep breath.

I closed my eyes.

This will be the end.

...

I hit the ground hard. And I frowned.

...

Voices?

-5-

"What were you doing Wu Chun?!" someone's angry voice shouted against my ear. Confusion settled in the pit of my stomach.

My eyes fluttered and I helplessly opened them. "Why did you sabotage my escape?" I managed to whisper.

"Escape? Are you dumb or something? Why did you leave Ella alone in the gazebo?!"

"I'm the match-maker, right? And you're supposed to be with her. My task was finished. I was supposed to fetch her up, bring her to the gazebo, and give her the bouquet. Mission accomplished," I said, and I cannot help but add sarcasm in my voice.

"Why didn't you tell her you love her?!"

My eyes snapped open and seethed at him in an angry blow, "Shut the up, Arron."

"Why didn't you tell her you love her?!" he repeated.

I gathered myself and turned to stand on my feet. How dare he ask me that question, after everything I did, everything I sacrificed?!

"What more do you want?! I already stepped out of the picture for you!" I don't care how he learned about my real feelings. My anger flared out and filled me through.

"Why did you keep silent all this time? After getting soaked in the rain, climbing up a tree, getting nearly bitten by a dog, getting your car busted, making a poem for her, baking a cake for her, and giving her roses everyday? Are you really that chicken, Chun?" Arron ed. He pointed a finger on my chest, "You're not even a man to begin with. If you cannot even fight for your feelings, how are you supposed to protect the girl you claim to love?"

Before I could give another remark, he turned his heels and went off. I don't know what's running on his mind. I helped him. I tried my hardest to stop my growing feelings for Ella, so that I can preserve our friendship. What more does he want? Could it be because Ella rejected him?

That can't be possible, can it?

I was about to call his name when a familiar figure caught my vision.

"Ella?" I whispered my voice almost inaudible.

Her eyes are misty with fresh tears. I fought the urge to reach out.

"So all the things you gave me in the past... the poem, the cake, the roses... you made them because Arron asked you to?" she forced to ask, her voice is trembling.

"Ella..." I feel so weak and I don't know how counter her accusing tone.

"You didn't do them because you want to. You did them because you were asked to. You tried to get to know me. You tried to know my preference; you tried to befriend me... not because you wanted to but because you were forced to. Is that it?" her voice sounded so small, so faint.

How am I supposed to explain to her that I made them because I have feelings for her? That Arron has nothing to do about them. Why would I risk myself by getting soaked in the rain if I don't love her? Does she have any idea how heart-breaking the past fourteen days had been? That whenever she smiles, I have to constantly remind my self that her smile is for Arron, and not for me?

"It's not like that Ella. I tried my hardest to fight my budding feelings for you because Arron loves you. And he's my friend. I don't want to betray our friendship. And I can see how close you are to him; how attached you are to him. I don't want to make things complicated," I tried to explain. I tried to reach out to her but she took a few steps back.

"Arron is my cousin, Chun," she said in a small voice.

For a moment, I felt like the world turned upside down.

"Does it matter?" I managed to whisper.

"It does!!!" she shot me a burning gaze. "At least, it matters to me," she said in a forlorn tone. She looked so vulnerable in that state and my anger about Arron's set-up ceased to matter. But I cannot miss the glimmer of betrayal flickering on her eyes.

"I've always hoped that it was you but my hopes died down,"

My eyes widen.

"What?" I asked softly. I cannot believe my ears.

"I love you, you idiot!"

What?

What did she say?

I stood still, rooted on the spot. She loves me. She loves me? She loves me!

But I can see her already walking out. I raced towards her as fast as I could and turned to face her. I need to explain myself.

"Ella, you have to understand that-" but I was instantly stopped when I felt the light sting of her slap on my cheek.

She struggled to break free but I refused to let her go. Not this time. Not anymore.

She held another hand high and aimed to give me another slap. But I stopped her. I blocked her hand with mine and stared at her. Her stubborn gaze met mine and it made me lose my control. Still holding her hand, I hauled her close to me and kissed her on the lips. I closed my eyes. I don't care whether she responds to me or not. All I want is to make her feel my emotional upheaval for the past two weeks.

She stayed still, rooted on her spot. But still, I continued to kiss her with all the passion I have. Gradually, I can feel her relaxing against my hold. Shyly, she responded to my kiss. My heart fluttered blissfully at the feeling of her lips moving against mine. A sudden surge of emotion burst within me. I loosen my hold on her hand and played with them as I continue to lips. I led her hand to back of my neck and she obliged, pulling me closer to her.

I cannot resist the urge to open my eyes. I have to make sure this isn't fantasy. I have to make sure that she really is responding to my kiss.

I can see her clearly; her eyes are closed, her cheeks are blushing red. I continued kissing her tenderly as I observe her reactions. I sought a hand on her hair and moved down to capture her bottom lip. I can never miss the soft moan that escaped . An overwhelming rupture of joy filled me in. I never thought that I am here today, kissing her, and she's responding to me. I smiled. And she seemed to sense it because she opened her eyes and froze in shock when she saw that my eyes were open. She tried to pull away but I pressed her closer, preventing her from moving away, before pulling her in for a breath-taking kiss.

My heart was befuddled by her response to me. I sought entrance to and tasted the sweetness of its cavern. Ella is mine. She loves me. I can feel it with the way she responded to me. I know that she can also understand the depth of my actions.

Giving her lips one last peck; I cupped her face tenderly as I press our foreheads together. I her cheeks affectionately as we tried to catch our breath. "Ella...," I breathed out.

She took a deep breath and blinked her eyes, as if to keep the tears from falling.

"He told me everything."

I blinked. Everything could mean several definitions.

"Everything?"

Instantly, I brought her closer and hugged her to me, shielding her from the cold.

"You offered to match-make Arron to me. Arron acquiesced because he knows that I have feelings for you, and maybe, if you get to know me better, if we become closer together, you might develop feelings for me too," she said in a broken tone.

My eyes remain closed as she tried to discover the truth for herself.

"He urged you to make a poem for me. You baked a cake for me. You gave me roses everyday for the past fourteen days. You told me it came from my secret admirer. But it's only an hour ago that I learned about the bitter truth. You made them not because you want to.

"You have no idea how it hurts me when Arron told me about the plot. But I can understand his intentions. He only wanted to bring us closer. And I guess he succeeded because I got to know you better; I fell for you deeper. And what did I get in return?" she sobbed softly.

"Ella, I love you! I didn't just make a poem for you because Arron asked me to. I made it because my heart wanted to. I meant all the words that were written there! How am I supposed to make a very expressive poem if I have nothing to express?" I tried to convince her.

"Ella, please. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to spend time with you without expressing my real feelings for you? I have to stop myself, always!"

I held her to me closer still and closed my eyes. I don't want this moment to end. I want her here with me, always. Please Ella... please believe me.

"Is it the truth?" she asked in a small voice.

I buried my face on her hair and planted a tender kiss on it, "Yes baby. Please believe me."

She loosen her hold on me and looked straight on my eyes. Her eyes spoke to me, as if looking for signs of sincerity. I looked at her intensely, wanting to tell her that reality isn't always as bitter as she thought it is. She reached out and placed a hand on my cheek.

I held my breath.

She smiled.

"I love you, Chun."

It's my turn to smile.

I never thought I can ever have this happy moment. She gave me a lopsided kiss on the lips.

Perhaps cupid isn't as cruel as I thought he is. He gave me fourteen days to suffer, and a lifetime to enjoy. And life isn't a mis-matchmaker, after all.

I am.

And I'm proud about it.

For if I didn't match-make Ella and Arron, I wouldn't end up falling inlove with Ella.

And the rest is history.

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*P O S T N O T E S:
Whoo! That was a little... what? I dunno. When I was starting to write this one, I have the emotions. I have the inspiration. I have the right taste in my tongue. I have the right temper. But a simple text message changed my mood and it became twisted. I mean, how dare that moron think that I am badly hurt when we broke up?! I mean, I was. But not anymore. I really hate him. C'mon. I admit that I was hurt but to hear it from him, admitting to his thick-face that I was hurt because of him, it hurts my ego you know?

Anyway, whatever. He can go rot in hell. I don't need a man in my life lest they will make me feel vulnerable again. I want to cut ties and communication with him already. Seriously.

Okay, another anyway. Whoah. I've been blabbering about my "personal" life here. I have to say apologize. Sorry, guys. : |

It's done! Happy St. Valentine's day Winglinians and ChunEllaholics! Thank you guys for supporting me and for reading this humble story of mine. Lots of typos and grammar errors, eh? It's okay. I'm a little too tired to proofread. You see, my sched is tight-packed.

Just give me a few comments to motivate me more, okay? Be kind to beggars. (:

Thank you once again! (:

[rossEureka]
020811|12:06'
-Philippines-