The funeral was held a week after, and despite doctor’s saying he wasn’t well enough to be released from the hospital; Sandeul didn’t care and forced himself to attend. The news of Sungmin’s sudden death came as a shock to everyone, and tears were shed for their lost loved one and friend. Everyone was mourning for him, crying except for Sandeul. He was just staring at them all like he wasn’t really seeing them at all.

During the eulogy, everyone had good words about Sungmin, the man was certainly one to be severely missed, but Sandeul was only half hearing them. His eyes were fixed the casket where his umma’s body was placed, time and time again he would try to pinch himself painfully, trying to wake himself up from such a horrible nightmare, but every time he did he would always end up realizing he was in no dream, and this was the reality he was facing…and his mother was indeed gone. And it hurt.

He knew how much his Appa missed him as well, he could hear Kyuhyun softly cry himself to sleep those nights he was taking care of him in the hospital… he wanted to reach out to him and console him, but he couldn’t…he was afraid that if he tried he wouldn’t be able to be strong enough…and despite the pain inside his heart, he couldn’t cry out.

He knew it was his fault.

It was his fault his umma died. He couldn’t stop the car from swerving. He couldn’t protect him at all. He wasn’t supposed to be the one alive and survived that crash, it was supposed to be his umma. He gritted his teeth in anger, it wasn’t fair… he just wanted to spend a perfect day with his family, but he couldn’t even have that. He clenched his fist in anger, having nothing to blame but fate, life and himself.

He almost jumped he felt a hand on his shoulder, and looked up to see Kyuhyun beside him. He didn’t see him coming, being busy with self loathe. His father sat down beside him, he looked so tired and he knew everything was also because of him, Sandeul couldn’t meet his gaze. “Are you feeling okay?” Kyuhyun asked him softly, and the question takes him a bit by surprise, and he wasn’t sure how he was going to answer.

He wasn’t okay, we would be the honest answer but he knew that would make his father worry. He already caused enough of that for the man by just going against doctor’s orders and being here, though he said he understood, he knew that if his Appa would be the one to decide he would still be in the hospital right now. Besides, he had to be okay, he was Cho Sungmin’s son…and his umma was a strong person.

“I’m fine, Appa” he whispered not trusting himself to say anything else, and for a while, silence enveloped them both.

“You think you can get up and say something for your umma?” Kyuhyun looked at him and Sandeul found himself staring back, unsure. “Only if you can, Deullie-ah”

“I…” he wanted to say he could, because truth be told be told he still had a lot of stuff to tell Sungmin, lots of things he always wanted to tell him but never got the courage to, and he would never have the strength to say again…but what would use would that be? Now that he would never hear Sungmin’s reply. He tried to open his mouth to speak, he wanted to at least say something for his Umma, thank him, for raising Sandeul as he is now, but somehow the words died on his throat, and he could utter a single word.

Kyuhyun seemed to understand as his hand landed on his shoulder yet again, giving him a reassuring squeeze and that fatherly look that he admit he sometimes took for granted “It’s alright, you don’t have to push yourself” he said with a smile, Sandeul looked at him, Kyuhyun was stronger than he thought, while he chose to shy away from everyone else, his Appa was the one meeting everyone and taking care of him all the same.

He was stronger than Sandeul in his own way.

Soon the funeral came to a close, and the guests started to leave, one by one. Some were familiar faces like his grandparents, some he thought he’d seen before but couldn’t really tell the almost last ones to leave were family friends like Uncle Ryeowook, who gave him and his Appa comforting hugs and the promise that he would always be there whenever they needed him. And soon it was only Kyuhyun and Sandeul standing in front of Sungmin’s grave.

The two men stood there for no one knows how long in silence. Kyuhyun, who had been forcing himself to smile in front of other people, only took a couple of minutes before his mask crumbled down and was crying quietly in front of Sungmin. Sandeul was shaking beside him, a painful feeling tearing at his throat as he stared at the name of his Umma’s name inscribed in stone. A hard proof that there was no undoing what was done. Sungmin was 6 feet below the ground and there was no turning back.

He wanted to scream. All the pain came crashing on him at full force. He wanted to run around and hurt something---someone. He wanted to yell and shout and rage, he wanted to get rid of the ugly sensation inside of him, he wanted to break and he wanted to…cry.  He wanted to cry. Sandeul realized with a jolt that the feeling was indeed his tears wanting to get shed, that he hadn’t drop a single tear since his mother’s death.

And he couldn’t.

He couldn’t cry.

Sandeul laughed breathlessly at his situation, it was rather funny if you think about it, he wanted to cry but he couldn’t…he wanted to bring his Umma back but it would never happen. Ironic isn’t it?

“Umma…” he whispered in a broken voice. “Sungmin-umma, I’m sorry…I couldn’t…if I was just…I wasn’t strong enough umma…this is my fault…” the words poured out and the lump in his throat grew with each one. Sandeul wasn’t the type to let his emotions out (it was one of those things he definitely got from Sungmin) but when it does, he could hardly control them.

“It wasn’t your fault” Kyuhyun said beside him, the man’s eyes were red but he looked at Sandeul like one a father would at these times, Kyuhyun knew how much Sandeul blamed himself for what happened, and he always wanted to tell him that it wasn’t…but he was always afraid. He and Sungmin brought up Sandeul together, and the thought of being alone scared him more than anything, but he knew he was going to have to be strong; Sungmin would be laughing at him if he cried more than he did today. He chuckled inwardly at the thought, he missed Sungmin already. “It wasn’t your fault Sandeul”

“Appa” Sandeul looked down “Aren’t you mad at me? I was the one driving Kyuhyun Appa, if I was just…” he trailed off again, his throat was burning, and he was starting to feel so weak.

“If you didn’t do what you did at the time, I would probably lose you both” Kyuhyun said, making him look up. The man smiled and hugged him tightly “I didn’t want to lose Sungmin, but I don’t want to lose you either Sandeul…you are me and Sungmin’s greatest treasure”

Sandeul stared speechless. He wanted to say his parents were his greatest gift too, but before he could say anything else, the world turned black once more.

He woke up in the hospital again after that, Kyuhyun explaining that he pushed himself more than necessary so he out and told him he needed to rest. Sandeul just nodded and muttered thank you, as he leaned back against the pillows to go back to sleep.

But a world without Sungmin to wake up to is something he wasn’t really looking forward to                           

-End-