I

Set backs. Faults and pointing fingers. Measuring efforts. Fitting almost-colliding bicycles in a one way lane. And the idea of free love.

Jaejoong had his career laid out in front of him since he was in college. He was a born artist. Talent brought him to where he is at present, a designer-slash-artist in an exclusive ad agency for a huge fast food franchise.

To people his age, twenty-one is when you start to build your own path in the real world right after college spits you out. Like always, he was one huge leap ahead, he was already there.

Yunho wasn’t falling back but he feels like he is. His insecurities were rising and he was beginning to shut his ears whenever Jaejoong would reassure them they were perfectly fine.

“You don’t know how it feels so quit acting like you do!” The last straw broke off and little did he know that it wasn’t him who needed Jaejoong to be there but the other way around.

“You’re right, I don’t. And neither do you. Have you ever thought about how I felt whenever you disregard me? Whenever you make me feel like you don’t want to see me?”

Yunho keeps silent and on the tip of his tongue he’d almost voiced out, Its not like you need me too, anyway. Because he wasn’t ever sure about that.

“You’re tired, aren’t you? You’ve ran short of understanding. You don’t even try to listen to me anymore either.”

I’m just scared that one day you’ll realize I don’t deserve you.

“What’s wrong with us?” Jaejoong asks. And that is the difference, he doesn’t blame Yunho, he accepts that maybe part of it is his fault too. He just needed to know what.


Love may be temporary. But sometimes, if you’re lucky, it lasts a lifetime.



II

Break ups. Either they simply or they greatly to the point you’d want to bury yourself in a hole instead. Seldom do people see that it teaches you to take a step forward.

Honesty wasn’t always on reality’s side. That day Jaejoong decided to call it off because he felt he was holding Yunho back. That very moment, he’d thrown out the hope to get that kind of happiness again out the window as well.

His work load never piled up but he was becoming unhealthy. It shows.

He was driven by pressure and depression. At first, it wasn’t that bad. Until one mighty fine day in June, he got promoted as his last drawn concept board made its way to production.

You’re in deep when you step into your Creative Director office and realize your wits are hanging by the edge of a toilet that’s pulling you down as it flushes.


Yunho, oh how he managed effortlessly when he was, in his words, out from under Jaejoong’s shadow.

He never was under it, in the first place, that’s what Jaejoong sees. He knew in his heart that always, Yunho was right beside him when he took those steps as his dreams were taking place.


“That’s a wrap!” he shouts as everyone begins packing up all the equipment into trucks.

His connections, they always seem to lead him back to Jaejoong. One way or another, they never seem to lose commonplace. Conversations about past projects and inspirations for new concepts, Kim Jaejoong’s name is often attached to those memorable works that people wished they came up with.

And in his heart, even as he’s already living his dream, he still feels as if he’s not escaped him yet.

He thinks maybe it’ll never happen.

In the back of his head was a slowly growing thought that he was actually fine with it because at least now he’d have the pride to face Jaejoong without the overpowering feeling of being not enough.


Love may be an oxymoron. Lightly an irony, but more often.



III

Friendship. It’s a terrible level of a relationship when you know there’s a whole lot more between you two than just platonic attraction.

The first time they meet after breaking up was like the first time they met and probably fell in love. Few words, awkwardness saturated air and stealing glances. It was like high school and it felt stupid.

Of all places they’d see each other, it had to be that smoking area in Starbucks. You can’t even think of an excuse to leave without making each other very uncomfortable, in the long run it means the end of it all.

“So…” Jaejoong tries to make small talk as his cigarette was halfway burnt, “How’s your job so far?”

Yunho nods and hums a response as he exhales, “Great. Great, actually.”

“Are you happy?”

Yunho knows he should be, this was what he wanted in the first place. Part of the reason Jaejoong let him go. If he wasn’t, it would break Jaejoong’s heart.

“Most of the time, yes.” Yunho shrugged.

“Well then, its worth it. I’ll see you around!” Jaejoong killed the unfinished stick on the ashtray before waving goodbye, “Take care, Yunho.”

He watched his retreating form as he fell in line to buy coffee and chocolate dipped doughnut. Of course, he still knew what he always had at Starbucks. Three years wasn’t just a couple of years together, anyway.

He forgot about his cigarette, let it fall to the cement floor and stepped on the burning end. I didn’t even ask how he’s been lately.

It wasn’t always about him, that he never figured out. Until he noticed Jaejoong exit the busy establishment with his fringe covering his eyes, and lips quite apart. And he knew, still knew that look of Jaejoong when he held back from showing any emotions.

Do you want to be friends? Just friends? When you realize how much he’d sacrificed for you?



IV

Chances are you still have a spot in his heart you can come back to. But then there’s the guilt that rushes through your system that tells you, you don’t deserve him all the more. Even if it hurts to admit that you’re not the best one for him after all.

He’s never slept peacefully since that Starbucks fiasco. He’s tried to think himself out of it but he can’t. It never really helps to try to forget because the more you will yourself to do so the more it sinks into your brain.

He has regrets, a little. That he didn’t have to be alone to get to where he wanted to be, just like Jaejoong did. But he never believed him when he says it doesn’t have to do anything between the two of them. He stuck to his pride, that ever so foolish pride, and now he can only look at what he’d done.

He asked himself again, Am I happy?

Maybe you figure that you should try to get him back. Selfish, somehow. It doesn’t hurt so bad to try, but I’ll warn you it does hurt a little most of the time. And you would, because a little spark of hope comes from the idea that not all that is best is always right. And you might just be the right one for him, still.



V

Doubts. They don’t ever run out,