Ji Ho tossed and turned in his worn out old mattress, awaiting a deserved sleep that wouldn’t arrive no matter how much he tried. The moldy smell and dust prevailing in the room weren’t helping, despite the broken windows that invited fresh air in, whether it was welcomed or not. Ji Ho couldn’t stop sneezing, trying his best not to wake up the other boys. He thought of how stupid his body was for still responding to the filthy air he was breathing. Allergies can’t be cured with familiarization.

Sneezing once again, the glass eyed boy got up with a frown and a sigh. He tried to shake off the dirt of his clothes, but ended up raising a cloud of dust that made him once again sneeze. Groaning with frustration, Ji Ho ruffled his unwashed brown hair and rushed out of the room, leaving behind the other three sleeping boys.

“I wish I could sleep like them…” he scoffed in a whisper, envying his friends. Smiling, he headed towards the living room, but his pace was hastened when he passed by the girls’ room. They were sleeping stilly, their breathings uncoordinated. The blonde Ha Na was sleeping on top of huddled blankets with her back facing the door. Bora, on the other hand, was sleeping with her belly facing up and arms wide open and her legs bent. She was sleeping next to Ha Na, on top of a small brownish mattress that Ji Ho could swear had been pure white in times past. Despite her regular breathing and curious sleeping position, she had a gloomy air and Ji Ho speculated if perhaps she was dreaming of Joongki.

Joongki, the one who welcomed and took care of the detached Ji Ho. Joongki, the boy Ji Ho regarded as his brother, his own blood. Joongki, the man who reminded Ji Ho of what love and family meant. Joongki, who had been killed by Bang Yongguk.

Ji Ho clenched his fists and jaw, trying his best to prevent tears from escaping his eyes. Deep down, Ji Ho knew Yongguk was only playing his role, what option did he have, other than kill Joongki? Soohyun had already explained Ji Ho what had happened and the younger boy tried playing the scene hundreds of times in his mind in hopes of comprehending how could someone kill a friend, but with no avail.

For that, he wasn’t able to control the hate he felt in his heart every time he remembered Yongguk. He had never been very fond of the older boy to begin with, mostly because he didn’t understood what had driven a legal man to help the rebels. Sure, he loved Jieun, but was that a good reason to risk his own life?

Ji Ho thought of Jieun, Joongki’s sweet younger sister. She had always been supportive of Ji Ho, smiling and helping him with everything he needed. Ji Ho could now see how alike the Song siblings were and realized that the two had been his ultimate family and had provided Ji Ho the love he needed. He sighed, a tear threatening to fall from his left eye.

His attention then shifted from the longing memories of the past to the sleeping figure next to the door as she turned in her sleep with a loud breath. She was now facing the door. Her soft features made Ji Ho’s heart skip a beat. She He had stopped just for her and she was the only reason why he could still smile.

Dasom.

Ji Ho crouched and sat with his back supported on the jamb of the door. Dasom looked so placid and unstirred that Ji Ho felt calmer just by admiring her. A sad smile crept on his face as he battled his heart: part of him craved to confess to Dasom, kiss her, hold her and love her. Put the other part reasoned that it was for the best if he didn’t make things complicated.

What things?

No, you can’t.

And, until now, Ji Ho’s feelings for Dasom were well hidden from her, despite being quite obvious to the others.

She stirred in her sleep, furrowing her eyebrows and nose. In an impulse Ji Ho immediately regretted, he placed his right hand on her face, caressing her cheek with his thumb. The girl subsided right away and grabbed Ji Ho’s hand with hers, almost as a reflex.

After a moment standing still with perplexity, eyes widened, heart beating fast and mind blank, Ji Ho regained his senses and carefully took his hand from Dasom’s face.

“I’m sorry.”, he whispered, and felt what he hadn’t in a while: a burning desire to kiss her. “That can’t happen.”, he told himself as he got up.

Dusting off his clothes, he continued to the living room and found exactly who he was looking for.

“Can’t sleep?”, a figure asked, his profile barely visible.

“No. You?”, Ji Ho asked his friend as he got closer. Soohyun was standing by the window, his left side leaning on the cold wall.

“I scarcely sleep.”, Soohyun sighed and slightly turned, now with his back and head against the wall and eyes tightly closed. After rubbing his face, the older boy pushed himself off the cement wall and sat on mattress near the spot Ji Ho was.

“I never even asked, but how are the others?”, Ji Ho inquired after a moment of silent between the two. Before Soohyun could answer, Ji Ho sat next to him.

“Lost.”, Soohyun exhaled. “Jaeseop is okay, I trust him and Eli the most, they are strong.”, Soohyun stopped.

Ji Ho remembered Eli, the tall blondish man that had once saved him from being beaten to death; he was a year older than Ji Ho and had a strong personality that matched Ji Ho’s. But he didn’t remember Jaeseop. Ji Ho knew he had seen the boy once or twice, but never talked with him, so he didn’t know him. But he trusted Soohyun’s judgment.

“Kevin and Jun worry me the most, you know? Hoon, well… Hoon is just himself, kind of quirky and volatile, but a good man and a great fighter. But Kevin and Jun?”, Soohyun didn’t finish. Despair was dripping from his voice and Ji Ho could feel how confused Soohyun was.

Ji Ho heard Soohyun sniffing, as if he was crying, but before he could say anything, the older man continued.

“Jun is just a baby in all of this. He’s younger than Junhong, did you know?”, no, Ji Ho didn’t know. He barely knew Jun, probably even less than Jaeseop. But he knew Kevin.

“I don’t want to drag him into this. He wants to fight – and he will – but it’s just so wrong!”, Soohyun said between muffled cries. For a man who usually kept his head cool, Soohyun was letting his emotions flow freely. Ji Ho was happy about that; there was no better time than that moment to say everything. He smiled bitterly at himself.

“Kevin… I worry about him. He has such a strong will, but you know how sick he is. And after telling them Joongki died at Yongguk’s hands, I swear I saw Kevin’s heart break in two.”, Soohyun used the back of his hand to clean his eyes and coughed.

Ji Ho didn’t know what to say and simply placed a hand in the man’s shoulder, as to show his support.

“Then, of course, you have Hyorin and Jinwoon are constantly bickering and I swear to you, Jaebum only thinks of eating and kicking . That boy seems more immature than Jun.”, Soohyun giggled and Ji Ho smiled.

“Yeah, Bora and Kyung are always at each other’s throats, it’s pretty funny to be honest.”, Ji Ho recalled his friends’ quarrels and scoffed.

“How about Dasom?”, Soohyun asked after a moment, his voice now showing no hints of him having been crying before.

“I can’t tell her.”, Ji Ho simply stated, not bothering to deny what Soohyun implied with his question.

“Sure you can. You should do it you know? Just tell her. The worst that can happen is not having your feelings returned.”, Soohyun patted Ji Ho’s back and got up. “I think I’ll try to take some rest, I can feel my head spinning around. Try to sleep Ji Ho. See you in a few hours.”, Soohyun bid his goodbye. Ji Ho waved his hand.

No, the worst that can happen is having my feelings returned.

Ji Ho ruffled his hair in frustration. He wanted to tell her, but he couldn’t bear the thought of having Dasom like him to never be with her if anything should happen to one of them (or to both).

“You should’ve told her sooner.”, he scolded himself, regretting his decision of hiding his feelings.

In a moment of pure madness, Ji Ho got up so fast he felt his head spinning. Not waiting for the dizziness to stop, he rushed to the girls’ room and took Dasom’s hand in his.

Now there is no going back.

“Dasom. Wake up.”, he whispered, gently rocking her shoulder. The girl stirred and opened her eyes.

“Ji Ho. Is something wrong?”, she asked, getting up, her hand still in his.

“I need to tell you something. Come on.”, he said, feeling a rush he couldn’t describe. He felt dizzy, electrified and maniac, as if he couldn’t stop.

Dasom casted him a confused look, but got up with his help. Ji Ho guided her towards the leaving room.

“Ji Ho, what happened?”, Dasom inquired when they got inside. Ji Ho didn’t answer, bringing her closer to the window so he could see her face in the moonlight.

She looked beautiful, mesmerizing and glowing. The moonlight was shining on her and Ji Ho felt his words stuck. He tried to speak, but he was struck with her beauty and drunk with the thought of kissing her, of loving her.

There was no sorrow, no pain, no war, and no injustice in the world now. Only Ji Ho and his precious Dasom. Who cared about Thuos Kor, to whom did it matter who lived and who died, who was at fault for the sickness of society? Ji Ho didn’t care, only Dasom was important. There was no “tomorrow”, there was no “in a moment”, there was no time.

Dasom lightly squeezed Ji Ho’s hand and smiled at him, as if showing her support in whatever he had to say. All the courage in the world was with him now, the sadness and pain was gone and he could only see her.

“I love you!”, he blurted, his body shivering in excitement. There was no regret in the world that could make him wish to turn back and never utter those magical words. No, it felt too good to say it. Why hadn’t he done it sooner?

“I love you Dasom!”, he had to contain his urge to yell. Ji Ho smiled widely and studied the girl’s face. She had a small smile plastered on her face and Ji Ho could sight her blushed cheeks.

“I lov…”, Ji Ho was about to say again. He was ready to say it forever; his feelings had been contained for too long, but he was interrupted.

Dasom tiptoed and placed a kiss on Ji Ho’s lips, making his heart pop off of his chest. Before she could back away, Ji Ho grabbed her by the waist and deepened their kiss.