“The future depends on what you do today” - Gandhi

Donghae looked around to see if it was all a trick. The sunlight outside was streaming in the room, telling him that it was the daytime right now. Had the accident not happen at all? He thought to himself, was it all a dream or premonition of what is to come? Feeling a little confused, he got up from his bed and walked out of the open door. Did someone come in while I was sleeping? Donghae thought, feeling even more confused than before. Normally he could wake up easily if someone was walking in to wake him up.

He walked out the door, scratching his head and saw Kangin hyung sitting at the dining table, staring blankly at the wall. In front of him seemed to be an untouched cup of coffee. Grinning at the way his hyung looked, oblivious of his presence, Donghae crept behind him to scare him. He took silent, quick steps and stop right behind the chair, preparing to jump and push down on the shoulders. Right then, a crash could be heard down the hallway.

Kangin turned to face the sound, therefore facing Donghae. Donghae froze and jumped a couple steps away from the chair, a bit scared of the consequence that he will receive for standing behind his hyung’s back.

Instead of smacking Donghae’s face or hitting him in anyway like he used to, Kangin just looked right past Donghae as if he didn’t see him at all. More crashing sounds were heard down the hallway causing Kangin to get up.

“Hyung?” Donghae asked out loud, trying to get his attention, “hyung, this is not funny. I know you could see me.” He kept waving his hands in Kangin’s face. Still there was no recognition from the older man. Donghae decided to walk right in front of his face to stop all the nonsense. “Kangin hyung! Look at me!”

Kangin just stood there as if Donghae was not in front of him at all. Donghae opened his mouth again to yell when a terrible crash and sound of someone falling on the fall was heard. Right when Donghae turned to face the sound, Kangin stepped forward and walked right through him. Donghae stood in the middle of the dining room, looking at his body in wonder. He just walked through me, he thought. To see if it was all true, Donghae went forward and reach for the chair. Instead of feeling something solid, he watched his hand go through the wood. I’m a ghost, he thought to himself. His ears perked up when he heard some yelling down the hall.

Donghae walked quickly to where the sound was coming from, seeing the door closed. This was the door to the leader’s room. He hesitated to walk in when he heard raised voices and sobbing on the other side. Deciding that he couldn’t wait any longer, he decided to walk through the door to see what happened.

The once white and clean room of Teukie hyung was now dark and a mess. Clothes, boxes, books, and papers were on the floor. The bed was left unmade, and the desk had many files and pictures faced down. Kangin was standing in the center of the room, gripping onto the arms of the owner of the room who was kneeling on the floor sobbing.

“Hyung! Hyung, please stop all of this!” Kangin pleaded, shaking the older man’s arm, “We need our leader back. You can’t stay like this forever!” Leeteuk didn’t listen and resorted to crying even harder. Donghae had difficulty swallowing. Watching his hyung cry is hard especially with all the hardship that he went through. Now seeing his leader crying with Kangin hyung trying to tell him to stop was even harder. “Hyung! Please, you need to be the leader again. Our leader!”

Leeteuk finally spoke, still sobbing, “What kind of leader am I? I can’t protect anyone! I can’t protect those that I love dearly!”

Kangin shook his head in disagreement, “Teukie hyung, you are the best leader we could ever have. You took care of us dongsaengs since training till now. You cried for our hardships but never gave up on us. You protected the members’ name when we were being criticized. Importantly you protected me even though I got into a lot of trouble. You are the best leader. Who else can take care of all of us?

Leeteuk shook his head, “I couldn’t protect Hangeng when he had to wear that mask or had trouble with the company. Kyuhyun and Heechul nearly died in those car accidents, and Donghae…” Once he said Donghae’s name, Leeteuk sobbed even harder. Kangin looked down, not knowing how to comfort him.

Leeteuk continued, “I promise his appa. I promised him I would take care of him. I cried with Donghae, I slept with him, I was always with him. But when that accident happened, he was left alone. I looked at him! I could have helped him! I could have stayed in that car with him. Why didn’t I?” he cried into his hands. Kangin, hearing the incident, had tears rolling down his face.

He put his head into his hyung’s shoulder, burying his face. “Hyung,” Kangin said, “Hyung, he’s gone. We can’t change anything anymore. But we need you back. Please hyung, we need you back.”

Donghae didn’t want to watch anymore of this and turned to walk out the door. He found himself in the hallway, breathing heavily, grasping what was really happening. Apparently, he’s dead here. So much has changed. As Donghae was trying to get a hold of himself, he saw Ryeowook quietly walking into the hallway. Instinctively, he reached for Ryeowook’s shoulder, but his hand went through the younger man’s body. He watched as Ryeowook walked to Leeteuk’s door, leaning to hear the sobbing. After a couple seconds, he turned around and headed straight for the door to the elevator. Not wanting to stay in the vicinity anymore, Donghae followed him.

It turned out that Ryeowook was heading for the 11^th floor where Kyuhyun was sitting on the couch, reading what appears to be a script. Kyuhyun nodded acknowledging Ryeowook and returned to the paper. Ryeowook went into the kitchen and got some coffee.

After stirring for awhile, he sighed and finally said, “Teukie hyung is crying again. Kangin hyung is crying with him.”

Kyuhyun looked up from his script, “The same thing?” Ryeowook nodded, looking at his coffee. Kyuhyun sighed, throwing his paper on the coffee table and laid back on the couch. Later he said exasperatedly, “We are falling apart, aren’t we?” Ryeowook didn’t answer at all. “Yesung hyung and Shindong hyung went to the military service to get away from all this mourning. Sungmin hyung is taking up more musicals to avoid coming back to the dorm. Siwon hyung have many dramas lined up that he’s so busy to see us at all.”

Ryeowook nodded and added, “And we don’t know where Eunhyuk hyung is. He left after the anniversary slideshow that showed Donghae hyung…I’m tired of this separation from everyone…” Ryeowook began tearing up, still gripping onto his cup.

Kyuhyun got up from the couch and looked at Ryeowook. Without saying a word, he walked out of the door, leaving the tearful Ryeowook in the kitchen. Giving a look of sympathy to his dongsaeng, Donghae followed Kyuhyun out the door of their dorm building.  Kyuhyun nodded at the security guard and walked briskly to the right. Curious, Donghae followed Kyuhyun to the dark alley. It was a surprise to see the younger man walk there without anyone accompanying him, especially since he’s a celebrity. Kyuhyun walked further into the alley and found a lump. Looking left and right, he started shaking it.

“Wake up,” he said, shaking the lump again, “Wake up.” The lump moved and it was a form of a person whose face was hidden by long, black hair. Donghae crouched down to get a better look and gasp at the face that he saw. It was Eunhyuk.

Eunhyuk was dressed in dirty clothes as if he didn’t shower for days. He was disoriented and squinted when he was turned over to face Kyuhyun. He groaned and shoved Kyuhyun to the wall, curling back into a ball as if to sleep.

“Hyung,” Kyuhyun said in a pleading voice, “come on. Did you drink again? You should stop doing that. It’s not good for you to be out here alone, drinking in an alley. Come back home.” Eunhyuk waved Kyuhyun off as if he was a pest, but Kyuhyun persistently kept shaking the older man. “Everyone is worried for you when they saw you run out after watching the slideshow. You are gone for 2 days already. I didn’t tell them at all where you went. Please hyung.”

Eunhyuk smacked Kyuhyun’s hand away, grumbling. He sat up against the opposing wall with his head down. He was trembling from either anger or the cold, or maybe both. “I don’t want to go home,” he finally said. Donghae was shocked by the voice. There was no spirit in the voice, and every word he said was spoken with a harsh tone as if being sliced by a knife. The Eunhyuk he remembered would speak happily, smiling widely, showing the gums in his mouth. “No one to look forward to talk to.”

Kyuhyun sighed, “Hyung, please don’t be like this. Teukie hyung is already in his shell. Not talking to anyone, just crying. Don’t be the same. We need you!”

Eunhyuk, frustrated, pushed Kyuhyun’s hands away from his arms, “No! Let me go! I just want to be alone forever! I just want to see Donghae again!”

“Hyung, please, please just come back,” Kyuhyun said, tugging on Eunhyuk’s arm. His voice was wavering a bit, “Please. Donghae hyung wouldn’t want you to be like this! He would want you to move on!”

Kyuhyun kept pulling on Eunhyuk’s arm, trying to drag him away from the alley. Eunhyuk refused to budge, pulling his hair, sobbing and crying out Donghae’s name.

“It’s my fault. It’s my fault,” he kept saying, “I was holding onto his hand last. I was trying to keep him awake, but I couldn’t. He’s gone. He’s gone forever.” Kyuhyun bent down and hugged Eunhyuk, crying with him.

“Hyung, just come back with me,” Kyuhyun said softly, “Just please do it for everyone.” Eunhyuk shook his head, refusing to move from his spot near the trashcan. “Hyung, you can’t live like this!”

Eunhyuk looked up for the first time. Donghae winced when he saw his eyes. The spark of happiness was gone completely, and all was left was just dark, sad eyes. “Why can’t I?” he asked Kyuhyun. It made Donghae shiver a bit due to the death-like tone that Eunhyuk just spoke in. Eunhyuk grabbed Kyuhyun’s arms, shaking him a bit, scaring the younger man. “You think I can continue to dance happily without my best friend dancing alongside me? Do you think I could dance to our older songs without him?”

Kyuhyun, frightened by the Eunhyuk’s actions, stuttered, “W-w-we could make new songs. Songs that doesn’t have to include hyung’s choreography…”

Eunhyuk angrily shoved Kyuhyun to the wall. He pointed a warning finger at the dongsaeng, “Don’t you dare tell me that. I’m never coming back. If you keep looking for me, I will keep running and hiding from you and the others.” He turned around and started walking in the opposite direction, further away from the dorm.

Donghae wanted Kyuhyun to not give up and run after Eunhyuk, but seeing his dongsaeng’s eyes, he knew that he had given up trying to get him back. Kyuhyun curled up, putting his head in his hands, and cried. Although Donghae had heard Kyuhyun cry in the past which was very rare, the sound that Kyuhyun was making was heart wrenching. He wailed loudly, covering his head as if in shame.

Donghae wanted to put a hand on his shoulder but he couldn’t. All he could do was stand on the side, listening to the crying of his dongsaeng. He could feel his own teardrops running down his face. At that moment, the clouds darken even more and the raindrops starting fall. In his head, Donghae thought that the sky was crying too for this sad scene.

He closed his eyes, trying to think that everything was just one bad dream. He felt like he was being pulled from the movie by two strong sturdy hands. He opened his eyes to see that he was back in the white place again. He saw the figure standing next to the same portal, gesturing him to step in again.

“I don’t want to,” Donghae stated fearfully, “I don’t want to see anymore.” The images of seeing everyone breaking down was so depressing and heart breaking. It was as if the team’s spirit was forever broken.

He looked back at the figure and asked, “It is not true right? Even with me gone, this won’t happen at all right? They will move on and still be the best together right?” Despite his ranting, he never got an answer. The figure kept gesturing at the portal, beckoning Donghae to step forward into it.

Donghae shook his head. He didn’t care if he was being difficult at all. He didn’t want to see anymore of what it could have been. He started crying, remembering the images. Seeing the leader’s eyes dead and sad looking and seeing Eunhyuk turning his back from the members were already enough.

The figure walked towards Donghae and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. It patted him softly as if telling him it’s ok. At the moment, Donghae just wanted to punch the figure. It was the figure’s fault that he was in this mood. He turned, lifting his arm, but stopped. The figure was standing right in front of his face, not stopping him from lifting his arm. The figure nodded again as if to tell him that he understands.

He’s not sure why, but although he couldn’t see the figure’s face at all, he felt that he could trust it. Donghae put his arm down and looked at the ground, trying to decide what he should do. He felt the light tap again and show the figure gesturing to the portal a couple steps away. Donghae nodded his head and let the figure guide him to the portal again. Before stepping in, he looked back to the figure asking, “You will pull me out right? When it’s too much to handle?” Seeing the nod, Donghae once again stepped through the portal with his eyes closed. 

A/N: This is probably the longest chapter I wrote so far x) I was on a pretty long writer's block with this one! I hope you all enjoy it! Please comment your response! Thank you!