I loved him. Or is it love? Whether it's supposed to be present tense or past I'm still not sure but that doesn't really matter. It never mattered. How I felt, or rather, how I feel comes second to her. As long as Lita was happy, I would be happy. She's my best friend and Bang Yong Guk is her boyfriend, not mine. I had my chance but again, it's not about what I want. Don't mistake my reiteration for resentment or complaints. If I had to do it all over again, that would not be the part I changed. I have bigger regrets than that. Seeing them together reminds me that I made the right decision by stepping aside. They are perfect for each other and it makes me with I knew happiness like theirs. But in order for them to be perfectly happy, someone has to suffer….

     I knew it was a gamble to let him in, to pretend that I didn't have feelings for him. Of course I did, who wouldn't fall for his beautiful smile? It's simply breath-taking. But I digress. Lita had to work late one night and she told me to help oppa study for a test. Honestly I knew it was a bad idea, but if i said no she would have gotten suspicious. I couldn't let her know I had a huge crush on her boyfriend. Can you imagine how that conversation would go? So against my better judgment, I helped him out of the kindness of my heart. Oppa was never the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree but he definitely worked the hardest. Something else I admire about him. Even if he didn't quite understand something, he'd kill himself trying to figure it out. Walking over there, I told myself countless times that I had to focus. I couldn't get distracted. But if you've ever seen Yong Guk, you'd know that was damn near impossible.  

     No one else was in the dorm that day and that just made me even more nervous. Why did I have to be alone with him? The plan was to study, that's all, but you know what they say about the 'best laid plans'. His mesmerizing eyes, the sheer bass in his voice, the muscles, the hair, all of it was too much to handle. I had succumb to his power. I lost myself in him and enjoyed every moment of it. The worst part was that I never thought of Lita, not once. She's my best friend, my only real friend, and not once did she cross my mind. I sincerely regret that most. Not the physical act itself, nor his rough touch, nor the way he held me and devoured me, not even the lies he told me. The killer, was that I felt no guilt for what I'd done. What did that say about me as a person? I crash landed back to Earth to find the door ajar and someone frozen in the walkway with their eyes bulging out of their head. 

     To say I was ashamed would have been an understatement, my heart imploded in that moment and the air was quite literally knocked out of me. My whole world was spiraling down. Everything became distant, like everyone was kilometers away. My soul shattered as I faintly heard Yong Guk trying to explain himself. He pled and pled but there was nothing more to be said. It was clear what occurred, there was no way around it. I ruined my best friend's chance at happiness for my own selfish desires. I could have chalked it up to a momentary lapse of judgment but I would have been lying to myself. So I put my clothes back on and bolted, leaving all of my things behind. I put one foot in front of the other until my lungs caved in and my legs gave out. The next thing I saw was dark clouds. I didn't move. instead, I watched the rain as it came down, pelting me and disguising my tears.  

     At some point, an umbrella and a dark shadow cast over me, "Oppa couldn't have been that hopeless." I laughed, I knew her voice anywhere. She extended her hand and I took it hesitantly. After helping me up, we walked side by side under her oversized umbrella like we used to but standing next to her wasn't as comforting as it used to be. Where we were going was a mystery to me, but I was just glad she was by my side. It made me feel as though I hadn't betrayed her. Now I didn't feel so alone. "Why were you crying," she asked. I wiped away the tears, though it was pointless to try when more would soon replace them. "Just got a bit overwhelmed, that's all. Nothing to worry about," I lied. "So how did studying go? Were you able to help him?" "Yeah," my voice cracked when I replied but she didn't acknowledge it. 

     Four months later and I still feel guilty. I checked out, mentally speaking, and though Lita has noticed a difference I wave it off. She continues to ask me what was wrong but I ignore her. The truth hurts to much to tell. The situation grew even more bleak as the worst thing that could have possibly happen took place. A few weeks ago I found out that I'm carrying my best friend's boyfriend's child and I can't even confide in her. And to top it all off, I have to be Himchan's slave for as long as he sees fit in exchange for his silence. He'll have his own throne in hell for the sins he's committing. If you're wondering why I don't just tell Yong Guk oppa, it's actually very simple. It would break him and destroy his relationship with Lita. He is way too good of a person to keep this to himself. He would do what was honorable and disrupt everything instead of just keep quiet. Damn him for being so good. So I'm keeping another secret, hiding the truth once again just to spare someone else any pain. I put aside my own happiness, my own joy, even my own freedom for the ones I care for. What hurts the most is that I'm not sure they would do the same.