“Goodbye.” I looked at Gu Jun Pyo, tears clouding my vision. “See you soon!” I giggled, sniffling. He looked at me, he lingered. He didn’t move, and I didn’t move either, I didn’t touch him or say anything. He opened his mouth to speak but stopped. F4, who waited behind me looked at eachother. “See you soon, buddy” Woo Bin interrupted the silence, as he stepped forward I stepped back. Jun Pyo walked away, towards the check-in counter. A tear rolled from my eye to my cheek. I should have said something. I should have hugged him, kissed him, but I didn’t. I watched him leave, until he left my vision – and then Ji Hoo and Yi Jung patted my shoulder to tell me to come. I walked backwards until I had the strength to turn around. Four years, four years without him.

“Pass the ketchup!” Woo Bin exclaimed. I was lost in a trance that I forgot what he said. “What?”  I asked. “I said, ‘hey weird girl. Give me the ketchup!” Yi Jung and Ji Hoo smiled. I did too as soon as I realized that he was joking. I still didn’t reply, everyone’s heads tilted towards me and then to the ketchup. “Oh!” I yelped, “Here you go!” I giggled and looked down to my food. “This is probably what Jun Pyo is eating.” Yi Jung mentioned, “Food American”. That made me realize, who would make his egg rolls? “Hey, Geum Jan Di… Are you going to eat those fries?” Woo Bin asked. “Oh… No, help yourself.” He reached over to my plate and took a handful. I looked to Ji Hoo, he stared at the wall ahead of him, he seemed almost as out of sync as I was. I couldn’t help but watch him, watch his sadness. It reminded me of Seo Hyun unnie, and how she left Ji Hoo for herself – just as Jun Pyo had just done. “Ji Hoo” Yi Jung called “What’s next?”

We walked out of the small pizza restaurant and watched the droplets of water fall from the night sky. Woo Bin and Yi Jung left for their sportscars as myself and Ji Hoo jumped in the back of a taxi. “Seoul SuperMart” Seoul SuperMart? Why were we going there?! We soon arrived but Yi Jung and Woo Bin sunbae hadn’t. I jumped out of the taxi and looked around, I rubbed my arms to keep warm. The rain had let up but Ji Hoo still put his arms around me to keep me safe. “Sunbae… It’s closed… Let’s go back” I insisted. “No. Its here for us to enjoy, I rented it out so you and I could make hotcakes.” Rented it out.. Just to make hotcakes? “Why a supermarket?” I questioned. “Last time,” he said “I ran out of ingredients, so I couldn’t make more. This way – I won’t.” I smiled and walked into the desserted store with him – this was Ji Hoo, the firefighter. And I felt ashamed that it took me this long to feel the way I felt that night with him, I felt ashamed not having appreciated his kindness, his patience with me until that night. I looked up at him as he smiled at me, that signature smile, his eyes lit up.

I’m sorry for not loving you Ji Hoo. I’m sorry.