Reviews
Third StringThese are the reviews for 'Third String'. I feel that my subscribers have the right to know about it :) I shall post every single one of them here. If you're not interested, you may skip this! :D
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From: Xuanlu Reviews
Foreward:
The foreward is good, you gave a glimpse into the story without revealing too much.
Story line/ Grammar/ Sentence Structure/ Etc:
- Story line
The story itself is good, original, seeing as I haven't seen any stories like this from Chanyeol's point of view.
- Grammar and Sentence Structure
There are a few problems
- "Kai proceeded to unplugged his earphones-" -- unplugged is past tense, change it to unplug
- “I think I injured my knee whilst dancing,” -- Change whilst to while, in this sentence, it's not grammatically correct.
- "Chanyeol sighed and stood up knowing that his time was up in the room since it was being taken away." -- after stood up, add a comma, or it will be a run-on sentence. Also, "since it was being taken away" is unnecessary.
- You use the word tall often, find a synonym for it, like towering. Lanky itself could be synonimous for being "tall and skinny" so when you're describing Chanyeol, you can either but "tall and thin" or just leave lanky.
- "Sweat was dripping down his face and his light brown fringe was stuck on his face, some of the salty liquid went into his eyes, causing tears to brim at the corner" -- I get what you're trying to say with this sentence, but you should change it around a bit, for example: "Sweat dripped down his face, his light brown fringe sticking to his forehead. Droplets fell in his eyes, causing them to tear." Something like that.
- "He re-danced the part" -- Replace re-danced with repeated; re-danced doesn't roll off the tongue properly.
- “Well you better be careful, you know our manager will be pissed off if we injure ourselves. Moreover, our fans would be worried. We do not want them to worry right, Channie-hyung?” It sounded sarcastic but Chanyeol knows that the younger didn’t mean to sound like that. He probably just said that out of concern, or so he thought." -- Ok so, the first two sentences, combine those, like so: "Our manager wil be pissed off if we injure ourselves, and our fans will be worried." Change sounded to sounds; add a comma after sarcastic.
- In some sentences, you use past-tense words where it should be present, like "Closing his eyes, Kai started dancing." It should be starts dancing.
- "It's not like Kai did not deserve it, anyway." With sentences like these, didn't is more appropriate.
- "It was raining and Chanyeol hated the rain. He loathed it very much and what was worse was that he didn’t have an umbrella with him." -- Nope, nope. Take out the "he loathed it" remove the period after rain, and combine that sentence. "It was raining and Chanyeol hated the rain, what made it even worse was that he didn't have an umbrella with him."
- "or just walk and get drench" -- Drenched.
Pretty much what I listed is the main problems throughout the story.
Use of Detail:
You used a decent amount of detail, which is good, most writers won't give enough elements throughout their story, which gives it a lacking quality. When you write another story, make sure you describe as much as you can without going overboard. For example, their clothes, actions, personality, surroundings, give those detail; but not too much, don't spend a whole paragraph on a character's shoes.
i.e.
"Luhan pulls his shirt on." -- this is lacking detail; lack of detail can leave people confused as to where they're at or what is goin on.
"Luhan pulls his navy blue cotton shirt over his head, the soft material brushing his skin." -- this gives the reader a proper image.
Style:
I like your style, it could use a little fixing up but all in all it's very good.
89.5/100
From: Cut Throat Review Shop
Title: Third String
Author: Zberrypie and Uberchrome
Reviewer: kpoplistener
Title: 5/5
It definitely wasn't common. When I searched your story, yours came up first. It relates to the story and it's pretty unique. Good job.
Characters: 4/5
I can honestly say your characters are real. You tackled one of the problems in a typical Korean group, fame. In a group, there's always the member who has more fame, and there's always a member with the least amount of fame. In your story, Chanyeol had to least amount of fame compared to Kai and Sehun and to other members in the group. Chanyeol is like the jack of all trades. He's good in rapping, singing and even dancing but SM doesn't showcase his abilities more than Kai and the other members. I can honestly say that Chanyeol is a real character. He's human also, and he also feels jealous and hatred. As for the other characters, you developed them quite well. No one was out of place. Good job.
Description: 16/20
Your description was the meaning of the Third String. It wasn't really eye catching, but it did make me curious. As for the foreword, you described what happens to Chanyeol. He was never enough for the other members, his rap lines are being shared by Kai, he gets blocked most of the time, etc.. It was a pretty good foreword, better than description actually.
First Chapter: 24/25
It honestly impressed me, and I realized something. Not all the underrated members are happy that they get shoved at the back. I realized there are so many underrated members in each group, that it's not hard to pity them sometimes. Your first chapter was great, and I really liked it. It made a lasting expression on me, and I wanted more, even though I know it's just a oneshot. Great job.
Flow: 30/30
Your flow was good, it wasn't rushing nor too slow. It started when Chanyeol was dancing, right? Then, Kai and Sehun interrupted him when Chanyeol fell on the floor. Chanyeol packed his bags and went out of the dance studio only to find out that it was raining. You described why elaborated how he hated the rain, and then, bacon Baekhyun arrived. He brightened up Chanyeol's day, and then, that's when Chanyeol started forgiving the rain and himself. See? It was easy to write, and it didn't confuse me one bit.
Grammar: 9/10
I only found one mistake, which was "infront". It should be "in front", there should be a space. "In" and "front" are not the same. Other than that, there were no more spelling, grammar and punctuation mistakes. The person who edited this was a great editor. Kudos to you and to her.
Writing Skill/Technique: 3/5
Honestly, I really didn't like how you wrote it. However, it was written beautifully. I just felt like I could've understood Chanyeol's pain better if it was in the first person view. Although, when I read your story, the third person view didn't really make me cringe in my seat. Usually, when authors use the third person view, they tend to lack description. You, however, described everthing nicely. Good job.
Extra Advice: --
Total Score: 91/100
Grade: A-
From: ❥❥ Review Paradise || Review Shop ❤
Third String
{Written by Zberrypie}
Story Link ∞ Third String
Reviewer ∞ nikatsu
Chapters ∞ 1 (Completed)
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This review makes use of knowledge based on the Standard English Grammar style.
(Also, I would like to make known that I am not an EXO fan so if in case I ever mix people up, please forgive me.)
(Title: 7/10)
The title doesn’t quite interest me but it does make me wonder by what you mean by “Third String”. I’ve heard about being first or second string in sports but I’ve never heard of a third.
Description/Foreword (8/15)
The description is rather vague; only describing (or rather, defining) what a “third string” is. By my understanding of a second string—they are essentially the substitute/replacement or understudy of the main person. With this in mind, I would think that a “third string” is the substitute of a substitute. Someone you don’t necessarily really need or see during production because they don’t have much or any role. With this in mind, reading your foreword made me wonder why you would classify Chanyeol as third string if he was identified as a main rapper/vocalist and only once the reasons you put forth were identified—it was then the concept slowly made sense to me.
Poster [Optional] (1/5)
Too small. Texture overrode the made subject of the poster, which is Chanyeol. The title was on the bottom-left which I don’t understand since generally in posters, the title should be the FIRST to catch your eye. I’m not entirely sure who the other person is, but my friends say it’s Baekhyun because of the eyesmile and I have to wonder why he would be in the poster if the story’s focus is on Chanyeol. Also, why a picture of the sea as a background? The poster makes me ask so many questions that aren’t relevant to the overall theme of the oneshot.
Story Format (7/10)
My one comment is that if you are going to write in a particular font or font size, please be consistent. Or at least, change only when appropriate. Also, distinguish your Author’s Note against the story itself with any indicator (for example, a row of asterisks or a multitude of spaces before the actual note). I would also make it a point to use a justified alignment, but since this is your story, whatever alignment you choose is your own. That’s just my opinion anyway.
Characterization (11/15)
This is a Chanyeol oneshot so I’ll only focus on his characterization. A great point about your oneshot is that you made Chanyeol sound very human. He was determined to work hard but with more talented people around him, it’s not impossible for him to feel inadequate. However, I noticed that you seemed to write Chanyeol at some instances as rather impersonal. As though he were a subject you’re studying instead of a character you’re trying to convey emotion to for readers to care about as well. Try to write as though Chanyeol is you… and I assure you that you’ll get a better characterization of him.
Grammar (8/15)
My biggest peeve is that you change tenses a lot. There are paragraphs where in you use present tense then suddenly past tense without consistency. For example:
“Chanyeol held his thumbs up and smiled, giving the answer that Kai always takes pleasure in seeing.” à Using “takes” is fine, but isn’t correct. You should have used the past tense instead.
Also, check the spelling for some of your words (example: hazelnut is one word).
Plot: 10/20
A little overused to be honest, for a member of an idol group to be jealous of yet another member of the same group. I wish you used a different motive instead of the usual “jealousy”.
Others: 5/10
As I stated before writing this up… I am not a big fan of EXO so I wouldn’t personally choose to read this if I were to chance upon it. However for EXO fans whose first language isn’t English, this would be something they could appreciate because of the writing’s simplicity.
(57/100)
Notes;
A gallant effort! You’re on the right track, so don’t worry about my personal rating. My advice would be to get a beta reader to help you with your future stories. :) Thank you for sending in your request to Review Paradise & don't forget to credit us in your foreword!
From: :: EXOTIC GROUNDS :: Poster and Review Shop
Third String by Zberrypie and Uberchrome
Reviewed by thederpchanyeol
Title: 5/5
Your title's interesting. Your title didn't give me an idea of what your story is about. It's definitely one of those stories that I'll click on. Again, it's interesting and eye-catching.
Foreword/Description: 8/10
The definition you put there is good. I have somewhat imagined the flow of your story after reading it. Also, you gave a good summary of your story. You didn't give too much of how your fic will flow. That's good. There are just corrections I want to make.
You wrote:
"The main rapper and vocalist.
That was Park Chanyeol."
Correction: Since the first sentence is hanging, you can just put it with the second one. "The main rapper and vocalist, that was Park Chanyeol."
You wrote: "He gives in to the others and help them without asking for anything in return."
Correction: "He gives in to the others and helps them without asking for anything in return."
You wrote: "... when there are only minimal chance for him to showcase his talents?"
Correction: "... when there are only minimal chances for him to showcase his talents?"
You wrote: "Even though he doesn't mind being almost like a backup member of EXO- he is still human."
Correction: "Even though he doesn't mind being almost like the backup member of EXO, he is still a human."
Appearance: 3/5
No poster but that's okay. I love the background and the fonts you used. You wrote the story neatly, which is good.
Plot: 15/15
The plot is really good! I have nothing much to say. -_- Good job!
Originality: 15/15
For me, it's original. I haven't read anything like this before. But again, good job!
Grammar and Spelling: 18/20
Most of your mistakes are the use of commas. There are only few of them, though. Here are some corrections for them.
You wrote: "We need to practice together okay."
Correction: I found no emotion here. And that is because you lack some punctuation marks. "We need to practice together, okay?"
You wrote: "Way to ruin the mood mother nature."
Correction: "Way to ruin the mood, mother nature."
You wrote: "Well there are many reason why I love the rain."
Correction: "Well, there are many reasons why I love the rain."
Other than those errors, everything's fine.
Characterization: 10/10
You're consistent with Chanyeol's character here. There is also no problem with the other characters you put with him.
Flow: 10/10
The flow is good! So, nothing to say here. :)
Overall Enjoyment: 10/10
I wasn't biased while reviewing this. I'm a fan of Chanyeol and I really love your story! It's kinda sad, though. I agree with what you've said at the end of the chapter. It's just so sad that Chanyeol has fewer fans. But happy virus will be happy virus. We all know that he won't change. And time will come that people will notice him and appreciate him. Again, I love it!
Total: 94/100
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