I’ve never loved anyone as much as I loved him. He was everything to me – my best friend, my brother, my band mate, and most importantly, he was my first real love. When we were trainees, we were chasing a dream together. Then, when SHINee was formed, we were living the dream together. But now, the entire concept of “in this together” had completely changed. We’re living the dream side-by-side but separate.  I don’t know what went wrong. He said he loved me, so why didn’t he pick me? How could he use me like that? Why…why did I keep forgiving him?

I suppose I should explain my story…

When I entered the trainee program at SM, I was young and full of hope for the future. I was determined to work hard to make it in this company, but that focus didn’t keep me from noticing him. When I think back on that day, I still get butterflies…

It was the end of the first week in the program, and I was completely worn out. I had never been worked as hard as this before, and I felt like this road would be a lot longer than I anticipated. Making my way back from the dance rehearsal wing, I passed by the vocal practice rooms and heard someone singing. Now, I know how obvious and seemingly unnecessary that description was, but there’s a reason I was so surprised by it. Those rooms are soundproof, so I was a little curious as to how I could hear whoever it was that was practicing. As I neared the source, I found the door had been cracked open, and I assumed it was because of the broken air conditioning that had been absolute torture for everyone during the past week. If you had dance practices scheduled for most of the day, you had better bring more than two bottles of water with you…and I don’t mean just to drink. The heat that builds up in those rooms without an air conditioner can be stifling, and we quickly learned that we could get a bit of relief from it if we poured some water over our faces.

The closer I got to the door, the stronger the voice became…and the stronger my heart pounded in my chest. For some reason, I was drawn to this person’s singing and when I peeked around the doorframe, I found that exact reason.

There stood the most beautiful creature I had ever been blessed to lay my eyes on. I was completely frozen as I let my gaze travel over the flawless features of his face. Oh, the way that his mouth moved when he sang…the way his face showed every emotion he felt in the moment…that was, and still is, a sight I could admire for all of eternity. He had the most luscious lips that I’ve ever seen on a guy and I found myself longing to know how they felt against my own. Wait. What was I saying? This was a guy! I don’t feel like this for guys! I’m a guy! I – I like girls. Yes. I like girls with their pretty faces, short skirts, nice s…strong, sharp jawlines…long and muscular torsos…entrancing singing voices…GAH! What is going on here?

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t notice that he had finished his song until I felt his gaze land on me. I quickly spun around and pressed my back against the wall to hide from him. I should have run while I was still pretty much unseen, but I was frozen. I think part of me wanted him to catch me just so I could have some contact with him. As I was lost in my panicked thoughts, I didn’t notice him lean against the doorway until he spoke up.

“Did you enjoy the performance?”

Startled, I whirled around and came face to face with the new object of my affections. My mind was running wild with things I wanted to say to him, but I couldn’t find the strength to vocalize any of them. Even before I could even come up with a suitable response, he addressed me again.

“I usually charge for private performances like that, but for a pretty face like yours…I think I can make an exception.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Such a forward statement from one male to another wasn’t something I was used to. I began to blush and stutter uncontrollably and he just laughed. He had the most glorious laugh -

It was one of those laughs that made you want to laugh along with him. I swear it was like no one could stay upset or sad whenever they heard him laughing. Everything that was bad in the world was suddenly nonexistent once that amazing sound reached your ears. It made your heart feel warm and made your stomach do all these funny things. Things like flips and swirls and rolls and tumbling and fluttering. Oh, that fluttering was a common one. One time I even thought I was going to be sick, until I realized it was just – Oh, I’m sorry. I got off track. Back to the story…

While I tried to get proper words out, he suddenly pulled out a pen and grabbed my arm before he started to scribble something onto it. My entire arm was tingling where he made contact, and it got so intense, that I thought it was on fire. I never knew that anyone could produce such a reaction from me by just holding my arm. It was a new experience that made my mind fuzzy. When he was finished with my limb, I got a good look at it and I could feel my heart begin to fight its way out of my chest. The beating was so loud in my ears, that I thought he could hear it as well. I felt a small blush creep onto my cheeks as let myself memorize the numbers. I could feel his gaze on me. The moment I looked up, his radiant smile took my breath away.

“My name is Jonghyun, Kim Jonghyun.”

Even his name was heavenly. I knew he was waiting for me to reply with my own name, but still no sound would come out. He kept smiling at me, but perked up even more when a group of the older girls walked by. “Oh – Omo! Noonas! Wait up!” I watched in shock as he ran after them without so much as a goodbye and as they rounded the corner, my voice finally decided to work.

“Oh! My name is-! Kim....Kibum...”

Too late. He was gone. I sighed and looked back down at my arm, letting my fingers brush over the writing that he inked onto my skin. A smile took the place of the frown that had set itself on my face when he left, no longer upset by it. I guess it didn’t really matter…I got his number after all.

And that was the story of how I first met him. Omo…just retelling that day brought back all those emotions. It felt like it was happening all over again. But now that I’ve finished, it all feels bittersweet. I fell for him the moment I heard his voice and I didn’t know it. I wish I had been more cautious about what happened that day. If I had paid more attention to how he just left me there to go talk with some girls, then I may have had some idea of how things would turn out between us. I know that doesn’t explain why or how we had the “falling out” but that’s all I really feel like sharing today…I’ll tell you more another time. Arasso?