I slowly opened my eyes as sunlight filtered into the room.  What I was met with was Sehun’s sleeping face.  Our foreheads were touching and we were clinging onto each other.  My arms were wrapped around his abdomen and his arms were around mine.  Under the blankets was a mess of tangled legs.  It was really weird and I faintly remembered what went on last night.  All I knew was that he had a bad dream and wanted to sleep with me so I let him.  His warm breath hit my cheek and it made me realize how close he really was.  I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I couldn’t explain.  I chose to ignore it and free myself from Honey’s death grip.

                “Honey.”  I poked his cheek with my nose, making him scrunch up his face adorably.

                “Yah!”  I jabbed harder and he mumbled something before opening an eye.

                “Oh, it wasn’t a dream?  You really let me sleep with you, Master?”  Sehun snuggled closer and held me tighter until he was flush against me and our cheeks were squished together.

                “Get off, you’re crushing my ribs.”  I complained but he shook his head defiantly.

                “Nope, I want to remember this moment forever.  The first time you let me sleep with you with your permission.  It’s also the first time you cuddled with me on purpose.”  He suddenly pulled out his phone and set it to the camera setting.  “Say, cheese!” 

                “Okay, are you happy now?  We have to get ready.”  I struggled out of his arms and he still didn’t let go.

                The hell is his problem?

                “Master, please don’t get up.  It’s only seven and the funeral isn’t until three.  Can we please sleep a little longer?”  I looked at the clock and saw that he was right.

                “Fine, but just a little longer, okay?  If you wake up first, please feel free to leave.”

                “Nope, I won’t leave until you wake up.”  He closed his eyes again and nuzzled his face into my hair.

                I sighed and tried to sleep, too but I was feeling extremely nervous about the funeral today.  I was probably going to cry as soon as I saw… what was I going to see?  We couldn’t possibly see the bodies because they were burnt to a crisp.  I know they wanted to be cremated when they died but not like this.  I didn’t want to see them like that, in an urn or charred.  The visuals that my mind was creating are making me sick and I didn’t know how to stop them.

                Oh God…

                I shut my eyes tight and tried to think of other things, anything but my parents or death in general.  

                Puppies!  I love puppies.  I remember when Honey was a puppy…. Now she’s dead.  My parents are too…

                , this isn’t working.

                I shifted onto my back to free my arms and dug my nails in my wrist because I was going crazy at the moment.  I ignored the pain and dragged them up and down my arm.  I sighed and stopped, knowing that hurting myself won’t make me happier.  I raised my arm to look at the scratches and crescent-shaped indents on my arm.  Some were bleeding a little.

                I just wiped it off and hoped it that the suit sleeves would just cover it.  Then, I realized Sehun could probably see it when he woke up again so I stuffed them under the blankets.  Nothing would make me happy, not crying my eyes out again, not cutting myself, not yelling.  I’d just have to bear with this pain until it faded away.  I don’t know how I’ll move on, though, they’re my parents and I didn’t even get to see them again before they were dead.  I guess the saying is right, you never do know what you have until it’s gone. 

                I know they’d want me to smile and be happy but I couldn’t.  I couldn’t hold back my feelings of regret.  I just left them in China and went to pursue my own selfish dreams.  I should’ve stayed with them.  I should’ve… just died with them.  Why couldn’t it have been me instead?  What do I have to live for?  Nobody.  Not even Yixing.  He’s attractive, he’d get another boyfriend in no time.  Junmyeon keeps looking at him, he hasn’t noticed but I have.  

                , Yixing… I never told him that I was leaving.  Maybe… he just won’t notice.  Hopefully he won’t.  I didn’t notify work either.  I’m so totally ed.  I was in such a rush to get to China that it slipped my mind.  I shouldn’t even have another guy in bed with me right now.  Everything is so wrong.  I unwrapped Honey’s arms and legs from around my body and put a pillow in my place. 

                “Why did you do that?  Are you okay?”  Sehun shot up and stared at me, who was sitting on the edge of the bed now.

                “It’s not right.”  I muttered.

                “What?”

                “It’s not right!  I have a boyfriend!  I can’t sleep with you anymore.  Just never touch me again, okay?”  I raised my voice a little, making him cower.

                “Lulu I-”

                “Don’t give me stupid nicknames, either.  Aren’t you supposed to be a dog?  Dogs don’t ing talk!  Just shut up and listen to me for once!”  As soon as those words came out, I knew it hurt him. 

                “You’re right… I won’t bother you anymore.  I’m sorry.”  He hung his head as he left.

                I’m a ing train wreck.  I just snapped at my dog and he didn’t do anything wrong.  I let him sleep with me.  I wanted him to be my pet.  I gave him nicknames.  I’m a hypocrite but he probably doesn’t want to hear an apology from me.  I treat him like while his whole world revolves around me and dancing.  I hate myself.

                When we got to the church, where the funeral was being held, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

                “Luhan.”  My aunt called and I turned around.

                “Yeah, Auntie?” 

                “You like that boy, don’t you?”  She glanced at Sehun, who was tearing up while staring at the building.

                “No way, we’re just friends.” 

                “Why did you assume I meant it in that way?”  She cocked her head to the side.

                “I… I just…”  I wondered that, too. 

                “It doesn’t matter.  Anyway, hold on to that one.  He is a genuinely beautiful person, he is so respectful and it’s obvious that he harbors a lot of feelings for you.  Not necessarily romantic but I’m sure he’d sacrifice his life for you.  You two don’t seem to be talking, though.”

                “I… yelled at him, for no reason and told him not to talk to me.  But Auntie, how do you know all of that by just looking at him?”

                “Well I saw you two sleeping together this morning.  I know you enough to know that you hate sleeping with people.  Listen Luhan, I don’t care if you’re… what do they call it… gay?  Yes, if you are gay for him, I’m just happy you have someone you hold so close to your heart.  I know it’s hard right now, because of your parents but if you ever need anything, remember you have that boy.  I believe that he can make you happy, lover or just best friend.  Now, please make up with him.  You’ll need all the support you can get for this funeral.”  She pushed me right into Honey and he bowed to me.

                “Honey, stop it.  I’m sorry.  You can talk to me again.” 

                He just shook his head grimly.

                “Why are you being like this?  Can you at least talk to me until the funeral is over?  After that, you don’t have to talk to me anymore.” 

                “A-are you sure?”  He bit his lip.

                “I was just upset, I’m sorry.  I know that you don’t like to be yelled at.” 

                “I won’t touch you or sleep with you, though.  I was wrong, I know you have a boyfriend but I as selfish.  Come on, we should go in now.”  He held the door open for me but I just grabbed his hand.

                “I need you to hold my hand.  I don’t think I can keep myself together if you’re not with me.”  I blushed a bit at the cheesiness but I really needed someone to hold my hand.

                I was afraid of what I was going to see and I was unprepared, too.  Everything has been going so fast.  I refused to be Christian like my parents so I had no idea what to expect from this funeral.  I knew that there would probably be a priest and I had a speech ready.  He squeezed my hand as we stepped in.

                It was a small church and a couple family members were already there.  It was my cousins, my parent’s friends, which are Tao and Kris’s parents, and my great aunts and uncles.  Tao and Kris were obviously not there yet which is weird because I thought they still lived with their parents since they were at Kris’s house.  All of a sudden, the door opened and there they were.  They sat next to their parents and smiled.

                “Luhan, you’re here!  We were looking for you but your aunt said you already in here.”

                “Luhan?”  Everyone turned around and looked at me.

                “He’s here!  Luhan!  Come here and say hi to us!”  My great aunt cried, glancing at Sehun.

                “Hey, Luhan, who’s that boy you’re holding hands with?  You’re not gay for him are you?”  My great uncle was already judging me, as usual.

                I my dry lips and dragged Sehun to meet them.

                “No, he is a good friend who wanted to meet my parents.  This is Oh Sehun.”  I signaled for him to bow to them and he bowed so low that he was almost folded in half.

                “There’s no need to be so formal.  We’re glad you are here to mourn with us, you look like a nice boy.”  My great aunt spoke up again.

                “He doesn’t speak Chinese well, I’ll translate.”  I translated it for Sehun and he just randomly started crying.

                “Thank you… thank you so much.  It is so nice to meet you.”  He said in Chinese, bowing a couple more times.

                “Look at him, he’s such a sweetheart.  He doesn’t even know your parents and he’s crying.  I like him.”  She went on and went up to hug him.

                “Why are you crying?”  I looked at him, who was wiping at his tears.

                “Because… your family treats me better than my own family does.  It just makes me so happy.”

                “What did he say?”  Everyone asked simultaneously, as if they were in a trance.

                I translated for them and all I heard was “aw” and “I want him to be my son-in-law”.

                “Sit with us!”  My female cousins patted the bench they were sitting in and Sehun went over, pulling me along.

                The whole time before the priest was ready to start, my cousins squealed over Sehun’s “cuteness” and I had to translate everything.  Then, it finally started.  The priest said a few starting phrases and quoted some things from the bible.  Some started chanting along. 

                Soon, we were free to go up and say something.  Everyone turned their attention to me and Sehun nodded at me before I went to the altar to speak.

                I cleared my throat, forgetting about the speech I had written already.

                “Um, hello family, friends.  We are gathered here today for the death of my parents, who were killed by arson.  They were the most supportive and loving parents and I really did love them.  I… I don’t know who killed them but I hope they will be caught and put to justice.  I would like to thank you all for coming and remembering my parents with me.  I know it was so sudden, b-but life sure does take unexpected twists and turns, right?  I remember how my parents always used to say “you only live once, so make the most of it” especially in my senior year of high school because I was still unsure about staying in Korea for college.  I didn’t really pay attention at that time but now I finally realized what they meant.  They made the best of their lives and took chances.  They moved back to China and they died in the same house that they lived in since before they got married.  Even when we went to Korea, they didn’t sell it and paid for two houses.  They died together, the way they wanted to go because they were so in love with each other.  They made me believe that true love does exist and lasts until death.  I will miss them for the rest of my life.  Thank you, everyone.”  I bowed, tears dripping the floor.

                Everyone clapped as Sehun ran up to comfort me and guide me back to my seat.  He was sobbing the whole time.  In fact, I’m pretty sure everyone was by the end of the speech.  Even my cousins who were fawning over Sehun before were tearing up.  He stopped before we got to my seat and asked me to translate something for him.

                “Everyone, I also have something to say.”  He waited for me to translate and I did because I really did want to know what he wanted to say.  He faced the urns and began his speech.  “I would like to thank you, Luhan’s parents.  Though I have never met you, I would like to thank you for bringing Luhan into the world.  Luhan is my best friend and has gotten me through a hard time in my life.  I am so honored to not only be here with him, but to meet you all.  Thank you for listening.”  He sniffled a bit and sat down while applause and sobs filled the church.

                I hugged him and we cried together for a couple minutes until everyone had calmed down.  Then, the priest made us pray some more before saying his closing statements.  Everyone ran up to me to comfort me and send me their condolences.  They thanked Sehun for being there for me, too.  Everyone ended up loving Sehun, as expected. 

                After the funeral, we went to the park, taking the urns with us.  I suggested that we empty the urns where they first met, so that they could be together at the most important place to them.  Auntie said that it was a good idea and told me to only go with Sehun. 

                As we walked through the path they took, I sprinkled the ashes.  At the place they first kissed, at the place my dad confessed to her and at the rose garden where they had their wedding.  This park was a nature park and my parents loved nature the most so I’m sure they were enjoying it, wherever they were.

                “Goodbye Mom, goodbye Dad.  I’m sure we’ll meet again someday.”  I fell to my knees, the urns falling to the ground with me.

                I wailed, not caring who would hear me.  Sehun dropped down next to me, rubbing my back the whole time.  I decided this would be the last time I would cry, and that from then on that I would live the way my parents told me to.  I would live life to the fullest and not let depression or stress get the best of me.  I would be nicer to Sehun and more loving to Yixing.  I promised all of this silently to them while I mourned them.  I let out everything and Honey just sat there with me the whole time, not saying anything, not telling me not to cry.  He just sat there and comforted me, the way he always did.  

                We went home finally when I was done and went to sleep.  I felt a lot better since I got to formally say goodbye to them, even though they weren’t able to respond to me.  I’m sure they’re in a better place, anyway.  Any place could be better than the hell that is life. 

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Author’s Note:

Thank you for reading, I love you guys.