It was exactly 3 in the afternoon of that sunny Tuesday when I realized I was dead.

 

I saw her standing right next to my tomb, holding a picture frame that shows my smiling face. She was sobbing, probably because all of her tears have probably dried up already from crying non-stop. The dark rings under her eyes told me how she didn't sleep for days, probably again because of crying endless, hating me.

 

I'm sure she hates me. She hates me for leaving her like this. She hates me for making promises that I will no longer be able to fulfill now. She hates me for leaving her without even saying a proper goodbye.

 

After the ceremony, our friends and family started to leave one by one. When it was only her and her sister, Jessica, was left standing in front of my tomb, I just realized how much of a fool I am.

 

I left her without even saying goodbye.

 

And much worse, I left her alone... all by herself.

 

No. I can't leave her.

 

I don't want to leave her yet.

 

I can't leave her just yet.

 

And so I decided that for the time being, I'm going to stay by her side. I will be with her to make sure that she'll be alright without me.

 

Every night I've watched her cry herself to sleep. And it never failed to break my heart everytime.

 

She doesn't deserve this.

 

All I ever wanted is for her to be happy. That's why I confessed to her that time. And luckily for me, with a flushed cheeks, she slowly nodded her head and she was finally mine, officially. Those days I had with her were the happiest.

 

And so I asked myself, "How could I just leave her like this?"

 

Our relationship was just like the others, with bumps along the road, but together we managed to get passed through each one of them and we both grew up and our love for each other grew stronger.

 

And seeing her like this right now, I'm worried. How will she be able to get through this alone?

 

Many times I've tried to touch her and wipe away those tears, but my hands just pass through her smooth face. I wanted to tuck those strands of hair behind her ear so I could clearly see her pretty face that despite having sleepless nights of crying, never fails to marvel me. I wanted to kiss her and wrap her in my warm embrace again to make her feel my undying love for her, but I can't.

 

I just hate the fact that even until death, I still need her as much as she needs me.

 

I still love her as much as she loves me.

 

 

 

Sitting on the opposite seat of the table in our kitchen where we used to eat together, I watched her pour some sparkling wine on two champagne glasses. With my favorite cake and my photo on the table, she sang me a happy birthday. Her sweet, soft voice started to crack in the middle of the song until she totally broke down into tears, failing to finish the birthday song.

 

"Why are you so stupid?! How could you just leave me like this? How could you not forget that you're not a superhero? Why did you have to be the one to get hit by that over-speeding car and not that boy?!"

 

She wiped her tears as she calmed down a bit and said, "I know you're kind-hearted, but why couldn't you just have been selfish just for once? How come you didn't even think of me before saving that kid?" 

 

And with that her tears flowed down her cheeks once again like water tap.

 

If I only know that I'd die, maybe I'd consider saving the child. But I just acted out of reflex.

 

Because if it could've been her, or our future child, I would've done the same. Or maybe I would've been forever thankful too for the person who'd risk his or her own life too to save my loved ones, just like the mother of that kid I saved.

 

But maybe... Maybe if I knew what would happen, maybe I would've told her how much I love her, would've hugged her much tighter, would've kissed her until we both ran out of breath... for one last time.

 

And tonight... In a few hours before my birthday ends, I want to make a wish... for just one minute, God... Please, let me hold her tight in my arms. Let me kiss her. Let me whisper sweet nothings to her. Let me wipe her tears away.

 

Let me...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So we can both let go.

 

---------------------------

 

This story was inspired by my classmate's story. Do you guys know the breaking news last month regarding the Tiananmen Square incident wherein one Filipina died? That woman is my classmate's mom. Though we are not really close (come on, we are 100+ in a class and I'm like the 3rd to the last student since we're arranged alphabetically and that she's on the upper half), we do greet each other occasionally. I was also following her on IG. I just realized, in a snap, things really could happen. They were just taking pictures in Tiananmen Square that morning... their family, altogether, enjoying the vacation. And then suddenly, in just a spur of the moment, her mom got dragged by the vehicle, killing her. And it's sad how my classmate is now slowly coping up with the fact that her mom is no longer with them. It's sad especially just yesterday she posted on her IG a screenshot of her mom's text message and that she's thankful because she was able to do so, because that was already the last. They will no longer receive messages from her. That was a sad throwback Thursday photo.