Whole Again

When can one say that he/she has finally moved on?

Others say when you finally stopped caring for, or when you are finally able to go through the day without thinking about that person.

But when you’ve shared what you thought to be the best times of your life with that person that they left this inerasable mark or irreplaceable place in your heart, is it really possible to forget their entire being in your world?

Move on.

It’s easier said than done. Everybody who has gone that phase knows exactly what it means. The moments you’ve spent with someone you value the most isn’t like a very nice dream that when it started getting bad, your subconscious will wake you up and then in just a few minutes, you’ve already forgotten what you’ve dreamt.

How I wish it were like that.

Relationships, especially those that were very well spent, were like a love story etched in a rock with your loved one. Once you’ve reached the end, and the other one decided to leave, you can’t just erase everything. You have to find a new rock, definitely bigger maybe, and find someone who’s willing to stay with you not just ‘til the end of the rock was reached but willing to look for another one and start a new chapter with you.

It has been years since Krystal and I broke up. I thought before that she’d be the last, that she’s the one. But something happened somewhere along the road. Well, sh*t happens, you see, and it when the reason is that she just fell out of love. Your love story just died a natural death.

Days turned into weeks, and then to months. I was living like a zombie. Without me realizing, sometimes I just find myself searching for her figure to appear somewhere even if it’s impossible for her to be there. Even if it’s just her back, I’d be happy to see her. But it broke my heart even more when I heard that she moved to another country.

At first I thought that it might be the reason that she decided to end our relationship and that in time, she won’t be able to take it and will call me eventually. So for months, I kept my phone near me. It has to be with me in case that she decides to drop a call. I have to answer it immediately.

A year has passed but that phone call never happened.

And slowly, I learned to live without her. I learned to live without fulfilling her demands, without her waking me up in the morning for work, without asking me to carry her to her bed at night, and without her smile that keeps the bad dreams away before I close my eyes to sleep.

Do I miss her?

Of course I do.

I always do.

And I always will.

Because no matter how much sh*t she’s put me through, those days I’ve spent with her, those feelings that we shared, those hugs and kisses, those promises… those every single moments that I spent with her, will always have a big part in my life.

Because so far, in this life, she’s the best love I’ve ever had.

And then after years without any news about her, I saw her again in flesh, right in front of me.

She flashed her bright smile at me and asked, “How are you?”

It was a kind, innocent question without any intentions of mocking me as to how I am living now after years of our break up.

Maybe as a friend we can start again.

We sat in a nearby coffee shop and talked about the latest happenings in our lives. Everything WAS fine.

I thought everything was fine, that I’ve moved on because she no longer has that effect on me, that I can now converse to her normally like what we used to as friends, before we got into a relationship.

Until she said, “I’m seeing somebody.”

I flashed a genuine smile at her and congratulated her. I really am happy for her.

But just like a soldier getting hit by a bullet in his Kevlar suit, it didn’t kill him; but it sure hurt him almost the same as getting hit for real. He didn’t bleed, but a bruise was formed.

It didn’t hurt me.

But it shook me. It shook my heart but not that hard that it broke apart.

No.

I’m stronger now.

Even though for almost a week, I felt like a part of me has been taken away permanently.

Maybe that pain was that pain of losing something that you already know you’re going to lose and you’ve prepared yourself for the pain only to realize that it’s going to hurt even more than you’ve ever imagined.

I already lost her years ago, but there’s still a part of her that my heart has been holding on. A small part that still hopes that we’ll be back together. And now that that small part has been gone, it left a permanent hole in my heart.

But for the least, I know that my heart will soon get used to having that hole in my heart as if it wasn’t even there, as if it was whole again.

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Well it's inspired by a true story. LOL

I mean, for quite a long time you've liked a friend and you thought you've moved on... well you've moved on, really! But you're friends, come on. And she doesn't even know that you like her. And then randomly you sent messages saying "Hi!" to different people in your contacts and then suddenly that person will reply, much to your surprise. And then you'll send a reply but that person took hours to send you a message again. And that message was sent in a freaking middle of the night which contained the words, "I'm already seeing someone!"

Meh... I'm happy for that person. Really. Because they're still my friend. But I did feel so... how do I put it, gloomy? for a couple of days. And then I'm fine again, because whether I like it or not, I have to stop thinking about it already. Too busy to think about it. LOL

Anyway, enough of this rant.