It’s been a while since I came here. Cheonggyecheon, My favorite place in Seoul.

As I looked around, I saw a couple walk past me, hand in hand, gazing at each other lovingly. I thought it was a lovely sight… two people obviously in love with each other, together, it’s as if they have everything they needed right then and there. Each other. I sighed wondering how they weathered every storm that came into their relationship, or if there was ever a moment that they felt like giving up…  or if they ever had to sacrifice anything just to be together… after taking all of those thoughts in, I felt a throbbing surge of pain in my chest. I felt lost… I felt scared. At that moment I felt the sudden urge of running to where he was and just hug him. But I can’t. our situation won’t make it possible.

Tears were already forming in my eyes when my cell phone rang. One new message.

 

From: Seobie Oppa

JaeIn-ah. Can you please tell me what’s going on?. You haven’t been answering my calls. My sister won’t tell me anything, either. I wanna know what’s wrong. Where are you?. I need to see you right now. Please…

 

A tear dropped as I read the last word. Damn!. For how long am I gonna keep this up?. I wanna go see him!. I wanna tell him that I need him, too!. But why am I here?. Why do I feel like running away?.

I ignored his message and stood up. Yoseob knows how much I love going to this place whenever something’s troubling me. I have to get out of here before he finds me.

But much to my disappointment, it was already too late as he was already standing behind me. He had his hoodie on that covered almost half of his face. I could still recognize him despite the dim-lit place. I turned around as quickly as possible pretending that I didn’t notice him but before I could take another step, he got a grip of my wrist, stopping me from walking away.

“for how long are you gonna keep this up?” he said, his hoodie still covering his face.

“how did you know I was here?” I said as calm as I could possibly sound.

“you haven’t answered my question yet.” He said sternly, his head still facing the ground.

“how long am I gonna keep what up?” I said, trying to sound innocent.

“I’m not gonna let you do this anymore. Come with me.” He said, holding his head up, meeting my gaze as he dragged me along with him.

“where are you taking me?” I asked, sounding slightly irritated as his grip tightened around my wrist.

“somewhere you can’t escape. We need to talk.” He said, with a hint of sadness and confusion in his voice.

I gave up on trying to escape from his grip as it only got tighter each time I tried. He led me to his car. And being the gentleman he had always been, he opened the car door for me lightly holding my head, making sure that I don’t hit it as I get in. I pushed the thoughts of escaping the moment he took his hoodie off, as I was able to see a clear vision of the face I had long wanted to see. I stayed quiet for a moment as memories rushed through my mind. I still couldn’t believe how he has that effect on me every time. He got in the car and started the engine. But before we took off, he looked at me, with eyes as sad as can be…

“you have to tell me what’s going on, JaeIn. I’m not a freakin’ mind reader.” He said calmly, before driving off.

I felt like killing myself as I looked at him. His eyes were now fixed on the road but the sadness it hinted was still able to pierce through me. I hate myself for making him sad. I hate myself for being so damned confused. I hate myself for falling weak.

“there’s nothing to talk about, oppa. Really, everything’s fine.” I said, smiling a weak insincere smile, hoping that he’d believe it.

“I’ve known you long enough to know whether you’re bluffing or not.” He said shaking his head in disbelief. True. He had always been good in reading me. It’s as if I’m a book he has already read before to know what’s gonna happen next.

“I don’t know if I did something wrong, JaeIn. A few weeks after our first concert, you grew distant. You started ignoring my calls. I would always stop by your house but you weren’t always around.” He said, eyes still fixed on the road…

“I’d stop by at your workplace, too. but you weren’t always there every time I dropped by, neither. I started worrying. Damn!. I grew crazy thinking of where you were and what you were doing… if you were okay or not…” his voice started cracking as he continued. And just then, i started crying…

“I asked Doojoon and the rest of the guys if they heard from you… I even asked my sister if she knew where you were but all she told me was to give you time alone. Heck, they all told me to give you some time alone!. It’s like they knew something I didn’t!.” he started tearing up as he stopped the car to a park… the park where we had our first date…

“what the hell ha—“

“I got scared!.” I shouted, cutting him off from what he was saying.

“got scared of what?!.” He turned to me, his voice now a bit louder.

“of everything!. Of the life you have!. I have no place in it!. Every time I see you on stage, hearing thousands of people scream out your name, I can’t help but feel as if I’m worlds away from you!. that you’re impossible to reach!. And that scared me!. I felt like I can’t be with you… that I’m not supposed to!. And it hurt… so much!!!!.” I shouted with all the pain I kept hidden inside for a few weeks I had earned, avoiding him.

He sat quietly beside me for a few seconds, as if he’s still processing the things I had just said, as if he had thought of other reasons to why I had been avoiding him for the past few weeks.

My hands instantly covered my face the minute another tear dropped, refusing to believe and accept the tremendous amount of pain and relief I was feeling at that very moment. I was relieved to have finally admitted it to him. I have always wanted to tell him. But I didn’t want to give him something else to think about as I knew he was already thinking too much about his career. And with that, I resorted to distancing myself from him… hoping I’d shrug my pointless fears and worries off as I stayed away. But if anything, I only felt pain and emptiness every time I was faced with the reality that I wasn’t with him. That I had to be without him… even just for a while.

“have I not done enough?. To assure you of how I feel about you?.” a tear dropped all the way down his face as his hand took grip of mine…

I looked up to him, my eyes full of sadness and pain…

“I’m the one who hasn’t been doing anything for you. It scares me to think I can never do enough for you..” I said softly, tears still gushing down my face.

“when will you ever understand that I you don’t need to do anything?!. When will you understand that all I ever want is to have you beside me?.” He said, looking at me.

I had never felt so much sadness my entire life other than that moment we have in his car, talking each other’s hearts out… how I missed him… his face… his touch… his loving eyes… his presence…

I love him. I have always loved him. How could I have stayed away from him for so long?. I cried even more…

He caressed my hand and soon cupped it in his face. He was still looking at me but now smiling…

“all I ever wanted was to be with you. I know I haven’t been able to give you the kind of normalcy I know you wanted this relationship to have but I never gave up on hoping that I’d one day get to tell the whole world how much you mean to me…” he said as he took my other hand and put it on his other cheek. Both of my hands were now cupping his face… his hands reached out to my face, wiping my tears away…

“I never meant to make you feel the way you do… I had no idea that everything I was doing had that kind of effect on you… JaeIn, I’m right here. In front of you… I’m not going anywhere!.” He reasoned as he pulled me in for a hug.

 I Cried even harder the minute my face made contact with his chest… thinking how much I missed being in his arms… feeling so safe… like I’m right where I should be… in his sweet embrace.

“you could’ve just told me all of this, earlier… you know I would always understand…” he said, holding me even tighter, brushing my back, trying to calm me down.

“I – i- I didn’t w-w-want to wo-worry you… *sniff* *sniff*” I said, in between sobs…

“JaeIn-ah, haven’t I always told you that you can talk to me about anything?. That you can tell me anything?.” He whispered so softly in my ear.

“Yoseob-ah, I know you already have a lot to think about… I don’t want to add up…” I reasoned out, now slowly able to get myself together as I take a deep breath…

“JaeIn-ah, you’ll never add up to those… please remember that. I’m your boyfriend. Heck!. If you can’t tell me these things, what the hell am I here for?.” He explained, still keeping me in his arms.

I gave up on reasoning out and eventually realized that I’ve made such a fool of myself for thinking of running away as a solution to the dilemma that was slowly taking over me. He was right. He is my boyfriend and we’re in this together. Of course, It wasn’t going to be easy as I had hoped it would be. I mean, he’s a “Beast”… no kidding, right?. Sure, I’d have to share him with the whole world who wants every piece of him as I do… but everything he just said found a way inside my heart and unlocked all of my fears free… leaving me with nothing but all the trust and love I have for him. I returned his hug as I sighed deeply in relief… I was able to take a glance at the clock by the dashboard. It read 10:30. An hour had passed already. And I felt happy. Just being there, locked securely in his arms… a place I had been longing for… we stayed like that quietly for another couple of minutes before I moved away and looked into his eyes…

“I’m sorry…” was all I could say… my eyes now swollen… geez, another embarrassing moment.

“sshh… no need to be… thank you for telling me what has been going on that pretty mind of yours for the past few weeks… for a moment there, I thought I was going to lose you… please don’t ever scare me like that again… I’m begging you..” he pleaded as he looked lovingly into my eyes. I wiped his tears dry and leaned in to kiss the lips I had longed to kiss…

“you’re never gonna lose me… whether you like it or not…I’m sorry for scaring you…” I smiled, now genuinely, as our lips parted.

“I’m never gonna let you go, Go JaeIn. No matter how hard it gets, we’re gonna get through everything, together.” He said, as if he was declaring something. He pulled me in for another kiss. But this time, passionately. The kind of kiss two people in love share after a long time of separation… hungrily, desperately, passionately, and lovingly filling up the emptiness we had both been feeling the whole time we were away from each other.

I finally moved away for air… but he pulled me in once more for a peck…

“you have no idea how much I missed you…” he said, still kissing me.

“you have no idea how much I missed you, too.” I said, returning every kiss he gave.

Since it was getting late, I told him we should head home already. He hesitated for a few minutes, capturing my lips back every time I moved away from his… but eventually gave up as I told him that somebody might see us. It’s a good thing nobody comes to this park much or else, we could’ve been on headlines first thing in the morning. Besides, it was already 11:30 already.

He started the engine and drove off… I sat there facing him, just marveling on how handsome and totally cool he looks whenever he drives and looks at me… I fall weak on my knees, every time. When he stopped for the stoplight, I reached for his hand and he immediately took it and kissed it. And I grew embarrassed as I was giggling like a teenager inside.

“I love you, Yoseob.” I told him quietly, waiting for his eyes to meet mine.

He looked down for a bit, smiling widely … my hand still in his… he looks like a kid whenever he does that. I giggled softly…

“I love you. I’ve always loved you. I will always love you, JaeIn.” He said as he turned to me with serious but loving eyes… I blushed, wanting to get out of the car and jump for joy.

It took all of the courage I had in me to move closer to him and kiss him. Geez, I felt like a teenager head-over-heels in love with her very first boyfriend.

I saw him smile like crazy before he kissed my forehead. I rested myself back on my seat as he drove off once again. I saw him shoot shy glances at me before saying…

“I want to wake up next to you…” he looked at me like an embarrassed kid. He looked so cute, I went out and pinched his cheek.

“I know we just made up but Seobie, we’re not having this kind of talk.” I felt embarrassed as well thinking that he probably had something else in mind. And it kind of freaked me out a bit.

“NO!. no, that’s not what I meant!. I mean just sleeping beside you. nothing else. Just sleep. I swear just sleep.” He said, almost stuttering. And I giggled on how much of a dork he is.

“don’t you guys have schedule tomorrow?.” I asked, still giggling.

“no, we don’t. the concert just finished and Hyung gave us a few days to rest. Hehe.” He explained, still shooting shy glances at me.

I forgot they just held their 2-day encore concert. I wasn’t there, so…

“how was it?.” I asked him, my face now serious. I felt guilty for not being there on two of the most important days of his life. The two days he and the boys have worked so damn hard for.

He looked at me briefly, his lips slightly pouting, his face hinting a frown.

“it was the best. The crowd was great. I felt like crying for a few moments. Everything was so overwhelming… but something was missing… a big part was missing…” he said, still driving, eyes fixed on the road.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there…” I stated with guilt.

“I got hurt when Hae Yeon noona came… and I asked her about you but she said you weren’t coming. Up until the very last moment I was still hoping you’d come. I even took my phone with me the whole time, hoping you’d call. But you didn’t and it hurt like hell. But still, the show had to go on.”

“but no worries, my princess. You’re with me now. That’s all that matters. It’s all in the past.” He immediately continued before I could even open my mouth to answer. I got nothing anyway, “sorry” was all I had to say.

“stay with me…” I muttered.

“I’m not planning on going anywhere…” he replied.

“I wanna sleep in your arms…” I said so softly, blushing, regretting for a moment, hoping he didn’t hear.

“your wish is my command.” He ended with a smile as he drove off towards my place. I fell asleep along the way, somehow, with a smile on my face, the song “walking on sunshine” playing repeatedly inside my head. I felt happy. Being the light sleeper that I am, I’d feel him lean in for a kiss every once in a while. But I was completely awakened to my senses as my phone rang loudly. Yoseob giggled as I immediately sat up and reached for my bag. I giggled along with him as I finally got a hold of my phone and flipped it open. Hae Yeon unnie’s calling.

“Unnie!.” I shouted excitedly.

Hae Yeon unnie is Yoseob’s older sister. She’s responsible for getting Yoseob and I together. I met her a few weeks after I arrived in Korea for an interview in where she was working, a lifestyle magazine publishing company. I eventually got the job and was assigned to work closely with her since she was the editor and I was, the assistant editor, of course. We instantly got close despite the age difference. She invited me for dinner one night with her brother and his friends, she said. I came without knowing that she was gonna set me up with her younger brother, Yoseob. I was surprised when I first saw him and the rest of the guys since I knew who they were. But they all acted normal around me and that made me feel comfortable. That whole night, Hae Yeon unnie was trying to get Yoseob and I to talk. She’d leave us in room, order us to go get something in the kitchen, and stuff like that. Eventually, much to her expectations, Yoseob and I hit it off. Not instantly, though. Almost roughly but steadily. She’s like family to me and it would always seem funny to me every time she’d tell me that I’ll soon become her official sister once Yoseob and I get married. But of course, Yoseob and I are still young for that. But she never fails to remind me every time she can.

“JaeIn-ah!. What happened?. Are you okay?. Yoseob was frantically looking for you a few hours ago!. Are you guys together?!.” she said as I mutter “she’s worried like hell” to Yoseob.

 

“Noona!. Hold your horses!. We’re okay~” Yoseob shouted, enough for his noona to hear at the other line. I sat there, laughing.

“Yah!. Yang Yoseob!. What the hell did you do to her?!. Are you guys okay now?!. Have you finally realized what fools you two have been for the past few weeks?!?!.” I laughed harder at unnie’s concern. I’m thankful for her, no doubt.

“Unnie/Noona!. We’re okay now.” Yoseob and I said in unison, trying to calm Hae Yeon unnie down.

“Remember to drop by my house so that I can hit the both of you, okay?. Aish, you two always worry me!.”

“Haha!. Don’t worry, unnie, we will.” I said laughing, facing Yoseob who was laughing as well.

“Arasso. Yah!. It’s already 12 midnight!. Where are you two and what are you doing?!?!. Are you guys planning on giving me a niece or nephew anytime soon?!.” Geez, unnie. I can’t believe she just said that. I didn’t even dare to look at Yoseob when she said that it felt so weird. I heard him laugh it off nervously. It’s a good thing we got home in time before she could say anything crazy!.

“aigoo, unnie. Don’t be like that!. Wah, you freak me out sometimes!. Anyways, we’re home. I’ll hang up now, okay?. Thank you for the call. Good night~” I heard her say “arasso. G’nyt” before hanging up. Yoseob turned the engine off and got out of the car, grinning, still shaking his head in disbelief in his sister’s weird sense of humor. In just a flash, he opened the door and held out his hand, gesturing for me to come out. I was still preoccupied with unnie’s words and I felt so awkward standing beside him. But that awkwardness faded as he distracted me from my train of thought, holding my hand.

Now with his hoodie on, careful of not letting anyone get a glimpse of him, we walked inside hand in hand. We headed straight to the couch. He the tv and I rested my head on his shoulders.

“you tired, princess?.” He asked, as he brushed my face with his beautiful, soft hand.

“I dunno, I kinda don’t feel sleepy anymore. You hungry?.” I asked back, my eyes still glued on the tv.

“not really. You gonna cook for me?.” He smiled widely. How am I supposed to say no to that angelic face of his?.

“sure, anything for you, my knight in shining armor.” I smiled back and kissed his cheek.

“let me just change first. I’ll get you clothes, as well.” I said, as I stood up and went to my room.