The final chapter. 

I actually feel terrible. Please forgive me .

Songs used throughout the song in case your curious:

1. All of My Heart by Sleeping With Sirens

2. English lyrics to Only Tears by INFINITE 

3. Poison and Wine by The Civil Wars. :)

"Would you stop touching me?!" Chen hissed uncharacteristically as Hyorin tried to touch his hand again. He was pissed off without so much as a reason besides Xiumin's sudden decline in affection. He didn't understand at all, what had he down for Xiumin to flinch away from his touch? He thought they were closer, the small shy kisses to the cheek or a peck on the lips was enough to satisfy him, the holding of hands underneath the dinner table or a warm blanket while they watched subtitled movies was enough for Chen to be content. They could do nothing but stare at one another and he would be happy.

"Chen, you seriously need to get your eyes checked. I only agreed to this because I thought you liked me and I think your hot. And the only reason I'm still here is because I'm expecting payment."

"Look, Hyorin, I know nothing about you and you have no idea how wrong you are for me. So please, just sing the song with me without thinking something that ignorant." Hyorin glared, yet stayed seated, Chen almost wanted her to leave. Almost. He had worked hard for this, to learn sign language, to apply it to his song, to the song dedicated to Xiumin. So he it up and sighed, having them practice again and again. Maybe Xiumin would forgive him for whatever he did after he saw the song. 

Or maybe he would be even more heartbroken.

Hyorin tossed the sheets of copied music into her large handbag and called her goodbyes as she stepped out the door. Chen sat in his place, going over the finished song as best he could without his partner. It was a new musical style he was looking forward to performing, a much darker tone to the words with the added affect of a female singer who would sing one octave higher than himself. Despite her slightly desperate tendencies, Hyorin was the right choice, and Chen felt a bit guilty for snapping at her, though he was within his rights to do so. He mumbled along the words while becoming used to the hand motions he would need to use, going over Hyorin's lyrics throughout the few times he had practiced. His assignment was the next night, it was crucial that he practice as much as possible.

Beep.

It was that familiar noise of a message waiting. Chen's eyes flickered towards his lit up phone screen and upon seeing it was from Kyungsoo, he dropped his concentration and checked the message. It was an invitation to one of the parties music department students usually held to blow off steam before an important venue. Seeing there were no more texts from the one he wanted to be with, Chen packed his things and decided he needed a break. He would just be surrounded by people of his profession and hope that Xiumin would finally text him so he would feel so horrible. Shutting off the lights, Chen texted back Kyungsoo for the directions to the party and said he would be there within the hour. He read the received text message and was happy to know the party was in walking distance. Slowly walking out of the building, Chen bit his lip in wonder.

Beep. Kyungsoo usually never texts back so soon, and Chen knew that for a fact. He slipped his phone from his pocket to see who the message was from. Xiumin.

From: Baozi~

To: Chenchen

“Chen?” Chen felt the smile nearly split his face into two portions as he saw the message, sitting his coke down on the table conveniently placed nearby and taking the phone between his two hands. He had been afraid to be the first to message the entire day, going through the motions as he endlessly thought of what Xiumin was doing, where he was, did he miss Chen as much as Chen missed him? Before Chen was able to reply to the first, another message soon followed.

From: Baozi~

To: Chenchen

“I'm sorry for everything. For ignoring you. Forgive me?” Chen shook his head as he walked along the sidewalk, the party looming forward, loud and inviting.

From: Chenchen

To:Baozi~

“I can never be mad at you. I love you, remember?” It was the truth. No matter what Xiumin did, Chen would never ever be angry with him. Love overshadowed everything.

From: Baozi~

To: Chenchen

“And I love you, so much. I want you to know that no matter what happens, I will always love you, I will always feel the same about you as I do now. You're everything to me, and I'm so lucky to have you. So please don't be angry with me.” It was strange, and Chen didn't understand the situation Xiumin was referring to when he said 'no matter what happens.' But he was used to Xiumin's random outbursts of affection such as this, and that was probably why he didn't take it as a dire situation simply waiting for him. He was just happy to have his Baozi back.

From: Chenchen

To: Baozi~

“Minnie, I'm not mad at you. I can't be, even if I tried. Just please don't make me scared like that again. I thought I'd done something wrong, or upset you somehow. Are you okay now? Can I come and see you?”

From: Baozi~

To: Chenchen

“I'm sorry. I've just been feeling a little sick for the past few days. But don't worry. I'll be fine. Don't come, I don't want you to get sick. Okay?”

From: Chenchen

To:Baozi~

“Fine. I'll listen this one time, but I'm going to worry about you all night long. I hope you feel bad. :) And Kris better take care of you. I'll see you tomorrow night.”

Xiumin paced back and forth inside of his room, the night still so young and chilly, his own room much like an iceberg. His feet padded along the familiar carpet he had been walking and trudging and stomping over for such a few short years, his foot imprinted everywhere, his memories fresh of all the things he had done while in Korea with Kris. How he had adapted to surviving without his parents, how he came to trust his cousin who used to be simply a distant part of his family, how he came to fall in love with someone so amazing, so fun, so careful, so much of everything.

His phone lay across his neatly made bed, the screen blank and shut off, the battery laying somewhere unseen, the screen cracked. It had been a moment of unleashed anger, at himself, at everything, at the opportunity he was willing to take to make everything better. He had thrown his phone has hard as he could against the available drywall after apologizing to Chen and reading a text message from his other cousin in America. They had found a place willing to do reconstructive surgery in order to repair the damage consistent with the car crash years ago.

They were going to fix him.

He should've been happy, ecstatic, exhilarated, but that was not the case. The fact was that America was not conveniently placed right around the corner like say China, or even Japan. America was thousands of miles, separated by a drastic sea or two, and no text message or letter would be enough. Xiumin wouldn't dare ask Chen to come with him; It would be selfish to take him away from his life and friends, his popularity. Xiumin didn't feel he was worth it. Not only that, but he had lied to him. Lied. His feet suddenly buckled and he fell, doing nothing to stop his face crashing into the carpet and burning. Pent up tears of frustration and guilt sloppily spilled from his light brown eyes.

He cried loud and hard, only silence meeting his ears, but Kris heard it the moment he stepped into the apartment. He ran towards Xiumin's room with his bag still tethered to his arm and Tao straight on his heel. He shoved the door open and saw Xiumin instantly, curled into a ball and crying his eyes out. Kris had never seen this side to the fragile boy and he instantly became worried. He dropped to his knees and pried the smaller off the floor and into his arms, rubbing his head as if he were some type of pet and murmuring unheard words of comfort.

"Kris, I'm so terrible," Xiumin spoke through his tears without stuttering,"I find someone who loves me just the way I am and now I have to leave him. Why did I have to be like this? W-Why do I have to go so far away. H-He'll forget about me." This was all new to Kris; Xiumin had never broken down in the past or cried so much or even thought ill of his fate. But now since he was apparently leaving, to where Kris desperately needed to know, he had finally dropped his facade. Kris stayed with him, Tao listening from behind the closed doors, his back pressed against the white wood that oddly smelt of peppermint.

They each stayed in their positions until the next morning, Tao waking up with a neck cramp and Kris kissing the pain away after lovingly tucking Xiumin away. He thought better of it and decided not to tell Chen, there was something in Xiumin's eyes pleading for him not to. This was something Xiumin wanted to do on his own. He felt the need to be independent, he thought he was doing the right thing for the right reasons, the wrong reasons, for Chen. It was all for Chen so Xiumin felt better about it. Kris crammed the burnt pieces of toast in the garbage for the third time and grumbled incoherently about how ty his cooking skills really were. Tao watched on with interest and an empty stomach; he was content with watching his lover make a mess of the kitchen.

Chen awoke under his covers with a start, yawning loudly and stretching his tired bones. The party had lasted well into the morning with plenty of people still desperately trying to stay awake and karaoke quite badly to their hearts content. Jongin included. Kyungsoo had to force the male home, as well as trying his best to shoo everyone who was still awake out. Chen parted ways with him, waving to the small male the further they drew apart, his form weighed down by a heavy, barely conscious Kim Jongin. The sunlight splashed in through the open window, a soft, cold wind whipping through the room and slapping across Chen's face. The air smelt of newly wet grass and renewed earth, the scent filling Chen's nose quicker than he could shut the window. Today was the final day of preparation, tonight, the only chance he had to secure the perfect score.

So far, the morning was boring beyond compare. He had a few classes he had to attend, and then his day would be filled with Hyorin's overly flirtatious outfits, her ostentatious flirting, her unwanted skin-ship, and no Xiumin. It all could be made simple by telling Hyorin he played for a completely different team, but it was his and Xiumin's business. He wouldn't disclose it to some girl who couldn't take a hint. Gathering his thoughts in a jumble of different subjects, Chen skipping his way for the bathroom. It was large and a cream colored theme, the same hue washing over the large open bathtub, the walls, and the squared tiles of the cold floor.

His feet stung as it met the freezing floor and under such a giddy mood, Chen danced across the floor and quickly the tap, hot water sputtering across the bottomless tub and instantly spreading to accommodate the space. Chen quickly stripped and stepped into the tub, allowing the hot water to drench him from the shower head. Picking up his favorite strawberry shampoo, Chen washed his hair with his head tilted downward and sang out of habit while trying to avoid suds spilling into his open mouth. He ended up choking up suds as he rubbed in conditioner and decided against singing anymore. His shower lasted longer than he had planned, his bathroom filling with steam. Chen happily turned the water off and shook his head, water splashing against every surface. It was his favorite part of the morning. 

Classes dragged on, and there was still no contact from Xiumin. They usually texted during Chen's classes, he usually borrowed notes from another student, but this morning there wasn't even a single message. He must still be sleeping. Xiumin had graduated college already and usually stayed home, it reminded Chen of a housewife. 

"Yah," The teacher called loudly, just before an eraser smacked against the side of Chen's pretty face,"Pay attention!" Grimacing slightly and rubbing away at the sore spot, Chen shoved his phone back into his pocket, pouting at the lack of attention. And that was the last he remembered because he fell asleep halfway through class. 

~

"Chenchen-"

"Don't call me that." Hyorin rolled her eyes as she pawed her music up from the stool on stage, walking around while humming her lines.

"Whatever, are you sure you want me to falsetto that one part of the song?" Chen nodded his head while checking his phone again. Nothing.

"Yeah, and be sure not to oversoul it. It'll get to be too much and the song isn't based off of that type of emotion."

"What is this song even supposed to be about," Hyorin asked. She continued to walk around stage and as far away from Chen as possible.

"The way I feel for the person I love. Does that answer the question?" Hyorin pouted in defeat and turned away from the sitting male. He was always so mean to her, yet everytime she saw him with his friends, he was such a sweet person. He's just playing hard to get.

Wrong, he just didn't like her. 

Chen forgot about time and space as he found himself behind a new black curtain of his college's auditorium, peeking over the side as he again tried to see how many people had arrived. He was not the only one given a deadline of that day, but his number would be second and Chen wanted to see if there would be more people by the time he hit the stage. He was nervous, his entire body tingling with fright and anticipation. He had worked  his body and mind to the core for this night, this opportunity. He stretched his fingers and turned away from the curtain, remembering Baekhyun's words. It's just another stage. If that were the case, why did he feel so scared? Because for the first time, I'm singing something I wrote, I created. This is my song to him, because he's my one. 

"Hey, we're on in 5 Chen, let's go," Hyorin called, much more cheerful from the day before when Chen had been so rude to her. She beckoned him closer and handed the taller male his mic, making sure to brush her hands against his with a smile. Chen flinched and pulled his hand back with mic intact, rolling his eyes at how Hyorin could honestly be trying to flirt with him just before their performance. 

"I doubt she's going to give up. Have you ever considered telling her you're gay?" Lay had graciously accepted to play on Chen's behalf, a dark brown acoustic guitar strapped to his side. Chen shook his head and made sure his mic was off.

"She'll give up soon enough. I'm glad this is the last time I have to be with her so much. She's really overbearing, and I mean that in the nicest way possible." Just as he finished, he felt a small feminine hand grasp his and pull him through the opening in the curtain. Chen supposed Hyorin didn't have a boyfriend, which is why she invested so much time in trying to touch him. He shook her off of him and stepped to the left side of the stage, noticing the waving from his friends, he caught sight of Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Sehun, and Luhan sitting in the front row, with Kyungsoo, Jongin, and Suho sitting just behind them. He instantly felt better with their supportive gestures, even if they were too far away to touch.

He gave a sign to Hyorin and Lay, and listened to the chords he created come to life, drifting through the air and wrapping around him in a silent caress telling him everything would be alright. He took a deep breath, so deep that the air filled just about every nook and cranny inside of his body, before exhaling and raising his hands. 

"You only know what I want you to," He sang the first line, his voice soft, gentle, cracking. It was his first time performing alone, there was no one there to hold his hand, to give him reassuring looks, to show him a small smile that said everything is okay. His hands moved in sync with the words, hours upon hours of memorization and coordination he didn't have prior coming into play. Hyorin looked different on stage, her skin glowing and her eyes lighting up as she sang her lines, her eyes shifting to Chen's hand movements as he signed along. She found it weird that the entire time they worked together, he had never given her a chance and it saddened her that this would be the last time they spent time together. Despite his snarky attitude at times and how much he truly seemed to not like her, Hyorin had found a soft spot for Chen deep down in her heart. Whoever keeps him away from me, is one lucky girl. 

"I know everything you don't want me to." The song was slow, meant to hold a symbolic buildup of feelings and frustrations, of Chen's feelings summed up in a whole. He was so foolishly in love, he was, his eyes closing to face the crowd, his fingers firm in placement. Sometimes, when they happened to be alone, no Kris to bother them, Chen would sit and watch Xiumin as if he were the most beautiful thing created. He could see hidden pain, hidden sadness, the dull tint to his usually vibrant eyes when he spoke to him because Chen knows Xiumin feels guilty sometimes. And during those times, he would pull him into a hug and refuse to let go.

"Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine."  Hyorin placed her hand against her mic stand and held it closely to her lips, her voice honed from vocal training, perfected through technique. 

"Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine," Her voice was sweet and deep, a depth of wonder and unknown feeling, something Chen was oblivious to as she kept her eyes trained on his face and hands. Chen placed his hands over his heart to signify the chorus, a strong rift of his feelings. He could never truly love Xiumin, simply because love could never be enough to express how deeply he has fallen for the smaller, perfect boy. Love would never be the right word, yet Chen knows with all of his soul that since love is the only word available until someone thinks of something new, he would always feel just that. Undying love.

"Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will." Hyorin rocked lightly side to side as the second chorus came, her vocal range splendid as she tightened lightly to accommodate the sound the note was supposed to be. The lines were basic, but the way each person sang them was all the difference. Chen's music instructor nodded his head along to the music, focusing on all aspects of the song and finding it beyond impressive.

"I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back," she sounded so wishful, Chen's teacher wrote a note off to the side of his paper that the boy had made the right choice in partner and acoustic quality of the song. Chen's voice sounded real, full of purpose, driven by his own lyrics and the comfort he felt working his hands.

"The less I give the more I get back." Chen didn't think learning sign language was enough. He didn't think anything he did was enough for Xiumin. To him, Xiumin deserved much better than him.

"Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise," Hyorin felt her lines were true. To her, she felt touching Chen's hands were both a pleasure and a pain. Pleasurable for a moment because she was closer than any other person who had fallen for him. Painful because he is taken, owned by someone who is unknown. 

"I don't have a choice but I still choose you," Chen honestly didn't have a  no choice. The moment he saw Xiumin's eyes, there was no one else he could be with. There was no one else he wanted.

"Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will," The lines were repetitive in their wording, yet different in feeling and style. 

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will." Everything was winding down, the duo's voice coming close to a soft sigh of a whisper, together in pitch and beat. 

"I always will

I always will

I always will

I always will," Chen finally decided he wanted to see Xiumin's expression to the song, he couldn't wait to see how his lover would take to the song. In all of his excitement, he had expected him to be there. Xiumin had told Chen not to worry about him, that meant he was fine.

But

When he looked out into the crowd

Xiumin wasn't there.

"I always will."

The song ended.

And so did Chen. 

Under the halo of clapping, of screaming, of cheering, Chen became lost in himself, and his mic fell from his hand before he his heel and ran. Xiumin had to be somewhere, Chen refused to accept the truth, he had to be somewhere. Right? Rushing through the backstage area, Chen almost ran into a few prop setters and people preparing for their own acts in his haste to leave. He pushed through the entrance to the backroom and ran down the side aisle for the exit. When he shoved his way through, he came face to face with Kris and Tao hanging off of the blonde's arm. Relief permeated his senses and Chen sighed.

"Where's Xiumin?" Kris grimaced. 

"Um-He's-" Kris looked guilty and Tao refused to meet Chen's eyes.

"He's not here," Tao interjected in defeat, "He said he's sorry he couldn't make it. His phone is broken."

"Then . . . where is he?" The uplifted mood Chen had managed to create quickly drifted elsewhere, evaporting with a single brush of the air.

" . . ."

". . ."

"Guys?"

"He's on his way to Icheon Airport," Kris broke,"H-He didn't want you to know because he didn't want to hurt you." 

"And you think this DOESNT HURT!? HOW COULD YOU?!" As their friendship crumbled to pieces, Chen ran past the pair, angry. Pissed.

Hurt more than words can explain.

So betrayed. 

The airport at night; still a place of arrivals and departures reigned big and supreme in all of its colorful glory. The terminals were full to the brim with people boarding the underground train to their planes and shops of different varieties, in English, Japanese, Chinese, Cantonese, Spanish, and even French. Xiumin disliked the new atmosphere, and the fact that he was alone. Alone. He always had his family, and Kris, and for a time Chen as well. He had asked Kris to stay behind, claiming that he could handle it all on his own, claiming that the sooner he left, the sooner Chen could forgive him for missing the song that meant the most.

That may have hurt more then this, missing something souly dedicated to him. Chen had expected him to go, begged him to see him sing without ever asking, but Xiumin had declined, lying about feeling sick was his excuse for not being there. He had decided against going because he knew very well his resolve would be crushed and he would be forced to stay, stay broken with someone immaculate. Xiumin's eyes rove over the different shops around him before looking straight ahead, the number of his check in just up ahead.

It took him a moment to realize there was someone staring him down just up ahead, A piercing gaze that stayed unwavering. This sensation felt familiar, as if a breeze of yesterday had caressed him again with its warmth. Xiumin felt his his stomach drop into a bottomless pit as he saw the eyes, met them with fright and uncertainty. What is Chen doing here?

He was standing there, waiting.

Even as their hearts broke over the distance, Chen still looked as breathtaking as ever.

Xiumin froze, his suite case handle laying limp in his hold. He tried to turn away from the gut wrenching sight, but Chen took him by the shoulders with a bone crushing hold before he could even take a step back. Their eyes faced off in a war of emotion, one portraying betrayal, pain, was that hate Xiumin found in his eyes? Tears dribbled down Chen's cheeks without the boy feeling them as he stared at Xiumin, the pain of realization eating away at his insides.

He knew that things weren't fine, but they were together, they were so close to the word happy. Or was he the only one who felt that way? Had Xiumin been planning on this the entire time? To leave without so much as a goodbye? Chen thought back in that moment, to that day Xiumin had asked how he would feel if Xiumin was 'fixed.' He felt like such a fool for being excited about it when he should have said the smaller boy was perfect the way he was.

Chen blamed himself.

"Where are you going?" He asked, fully knowing where yet still unbelieving, and for once, Xiumin was thankful for being deaf. Being deaf meant he didn't have to hear the breaking of Chen's voice, the begging, pleading. He could face Chen crying head on because he couldn't hear his breath shaking, his chest shuddering as he tried to breathe.

"I didn't want you to find out this way," Xiumin spoke softly, the people around them lazing around the airport,"I didn't want to hurt you like this."

"Y-Your lying," Chen quickly signed, realizing his throat was much too clenched to speak,"Your lying to me! You weren't there tonight, when I needed you! When I sang for you! Where are you going!?" Xiumin released his suitcase and quickly signed back, his fingers trembling, waiting for his phone to vibrate and signal his time to leave. He had never been dealt with such a situation before, leaving behind something much more valuable then precious gold and diamonds. He was leaving behind a human being, leaving behind arms that could lull away the darkest storm brewing inside of him.

"I found a place that can fix me. That can make me better for you." Please, stop crying. I can barely take it. Just leave. F-Forget if you must. 

"No," Chen shook his head furiously, "No, you don't need fixing! Your fine just the way you are! Don't go!" I should've said this to you the first time.

"I wish I could believe that Chen, but I'm sorry. I need to give back to you what you've given to me. I'm sorry." I owe you. I owe you so much for loving me this way.

"Then take me with you," Chen quickly signed,"Just let me go with you! I can't bear the thought of you not here, I'll be empty again! Don't you know how much I love you? Don't you still love me too?" Xiumin hated himself for causing such turmoil, for the senseless way he tossed away a human heart for what he felt was the right path. He signed back quickly as he felt the familiar vibration of his phone.

"No-I, you know I love you with all that I am, but . . . You belong here and you know it! I need to go alone, so that I can come back to you as a better person. I can love you more than I do now. I can give you everything I've always wanted. I can listen to you sing.” Chen began to softly sob, his entire body draining of feeling. Why?

Why him? When he had finally succumbed to the throws of love did that same emotion have to destroy him? Chen felt his heart shrivel up inside of him, and decided he would never let himself fall again. Not if this was all he would be given in return. A broken heart and burning eyes.

"I have to go," Xiumin murmured sadly,"But don't worry. I'll be back before you can miss me." There was no contact between the two as Xiumin leaned down and took a hold of his suitcase, turning on his heel and walking away, his chest heaving as he shut his mouth tight, ugly tears spiraling down his flushed cheeks, the chamber of his heart filled with Chen. He locked it tightly and closed it off as each step took him farther away. He would let no one else in.

Chen wasn't so sure of Xiumin's words and he was too selfish for his own good. Instead of watching the smaller male walk away, he chased after him, quickly wrapping his arms around the boy and digging his nose into the smooth plane of his neck. Just once more. He turned the male around, his eyes b with endless sorrow as he leaned down and pressed their lips together. Just one more. Xiumin crooned his neck upward to catch more of Chen's lips, putting the soft feel of them to memory, his eyes closing against his will and his entire form accepting the invading body pressing closer to him. Chen brushed his fingers against the plush, warm cheek he would miss, his thumb the scar lovingly. The phone situated in Xiumin's back pocket vibrated yet again, and he pressed up on the tips of his toes, parting his lips to allow Chen inside of his mouth one last time. A fire bubbled in the vast pit of his stomach, scorching his insides, burning his very eyelids to the balls of his feet. Lips pressed harshly against each other, memorizing, restoring, bruising. 

Just one turned into many, before Xiumin pulled away and opened his eyes, his feet replanted on the ground. The line to board his plane was shortening considerably, but he still had a few minutes left.

“I don't think I can forgive you for this,” Chen signed, his chest heaving as he fought to regain his breath,”I don't think I ever will.” Xiumin felt a sad smile slip across his face.

Chen could never be mad at him.

/

“When I get back. Sing for me.”

End

The hardest part about writing this had to be transitioning. I hope all of you understood and liked it, ughh. I'm thinking about writing a sequel. And I might edit this. ;;_;;