Be prepared for what I dubbed "fail angst" in this chapter . 

It was on impulse, the force driving him to run when he could simply walk or even jog. Chen rounded the corner and came to the apartment complex where Kris and Xiumin lived and dashed inside. He practically flung himself up the stairs, a train of sweat trickling down his flushed cheek as he ran down the hall to the last door on the left. Before moving forward to do his next act, Chen hurriedly wiped his face clean and tried to fix his hair. It was a failure, but Chen gave up, and was about to press the bell when- 

Oh. 

Right.

Feeling like an insensitive idiot, Chen flipped out his phone and texted Xiumin that he was waiting  outside. The door slowly, gently opened to reveal a pinkened Xiumin, his plump cheeks rosy and beautiful. They looked so soft that Chen almost raised his hand to touch the boys face. Xiumin smiled shyly, his phone pressed to his chest and he back away slightly to allow Chen to enter. Chen had been to Kris' only a few short times and it was much earlier in time. Being in the somewhat familiar surrounding still felt new, especially with the small, pale boy trailing behind him. Xiumin quickly pressed his fingers across his phone screen in a flurry of motion and turned his phone around once he was finished.

"Thankyou for coming . . . I was bored. Kris always goes off and leaves me by myself!" Chen's eyes graced over the words before he pulled his phone out and wrote back. Without realizing it, Xiumin had led Chen passed the living room, kitchen, and Kris' room to his. Chen typed in a message and showed Xiumin just as his fet met a bed and he finally inspected the place. Xiumin's room was colorful, posters in both Chinese and Korean strewn across the walls and little toys and trinkets all along a few shelves inbedded in the wall. His blanket was a montage of candy and cold to the touch.

"I'm happy to be here with you. I had nothing to do at my house anyway. But . . . Did you mean it when you said you wanted to see me?" Chen bit his lip to help pry the smile from his lips as he watched Xiumin read, then blink, and press the palms of his hands to his cheeks, turning away to type against his phone. He tossed the phone lightly against Chen's chest and quickly pulled a pillow to his face. 

"Yes. The only reason I went to see Kris' play was because I knew you were performing. I always liked watching you sing because I can understand what you say without being able to hear you. Your expressions are easy to pick up on and  you make my heart . . . You make my heart feel . . . . Not so empty. I don't think I make any sense, but I hope you understand." Without thinking, that impulsive nature possessing him fully, Chen put Xiumin's phone aside and easily pried the pillow covering his red cheeks. He gently carressed the side of his face and turned his head to face him. Xiumin had his eyes close, his form slightly shivering as he felt Chen's fingers pressing into the plush of his cheek. He opened his eyes, his heart beating so hard that it almost hurt. Chen smiled and nodded his head. Yes, I understand. I understand perfectly. When I saw you in the crowd, I was so right. I can't wait to learn more about you. To explore this feeling exploding in my chest with you. Chen ran his fingers up the side of Xiumin's face simply to feel how soft his flesh really was and figuring out it was much, much softer. His hand ran into brown locks and he thread his fingers through the locks, liking how delicate Xiumin was under his fingers. 

It surprised him when Xiumin touched his face in return, his slightly smaller hand just as soft as the rest of him, experimentally pressing into his cheek and brushing it with the back of his hand. The feeling imploding Chen to bits upped in ferocity and he had to fight to keep his composure, his eyes watching as Xiumin paid no mind to him and continued feeling the smooth plane of his skin. From close up, Chen could make out a small thin scar running along Xiumin's jaw, seemingly misplaced his face yet blending in with the color of his flesh. Chen had a feeling he had adjourned the scar from the accident, and pressed his fingertips against it with care. Xiumin flinched and quickly ripped his hands away, the warmth of his touch disappearing and leaving Chen freezing. Chen pawed at his phone and fumbled over fingers to get his feelings across, feeling guilty for touching something he shouldn't have.

"I'm sorry for touching your scar. I didn't mean to, honestly. I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable." Xiumin shook his head quickly, a frightened look passing over his features and he grabbed Chen's hand with both of his and pressed it back to his face. This time he could truly feel the scar, the slightly ruptured skin that touched just above Xiumin's throat and along the line of his jaw. The spot seemed to be sensitive, causing Xiumin's breath to heighten as Chen touched it. Even this blemish, is beautiful. Chen leaned in, angling his head perfectly and pressing a small kiss to where his fingers lay moments ago, to the scar that must cause Xiumin so many painful memories.

Xiumin didn't know how he was supposed to feel. Chen pressed into him and found a comfortable position by the junction between his shoulder and neck. Just feeling him so close had Xiumin utterly breathless. He could feel the tear pricking away at his eyes, and he wanted to cry, but he didn't. He didn't cry because he shouldn't have to. He was happy. For the first time in a long time Xiumin felt full, all of him present. There was no sadness as he felt a sudden tiredness encase him, lulling him to lay down and accept Chen's arms wrapping around him. There was no pain as he closed his eyes and allowed that first peaceful sleep to come. 

There was nothing but Chen.

And the happiness he brought Xiumin.

"I can't believe him," Kris murmured from the doorway, watching with cautious eyes as Xiumin snuggled into Chen's arms closer, a faint smile on his face. It was a rather surprising thing to come home to your best friend and your cousin snuggling in bed together, thankfully with clothes still intact. Closing the door gently as not to wake the sleeping pair, Kris shook his head and sighed, "I guess our lessons will have to start another day."

"Are they okay?" Tao called from the couch, a blanket keeping him warm as the TV played on low volume. Kris padded along the floorboards lightly and slipped back into the couch under the blanket kept warm by Tao's body. 

"Yeah, just sleeping. I actually think its really cute."

"Of course you would," Tao whispered teasingly, "You have an odd for cute things." Kris scoffed and stealthily wrapped his arms around his boyfriend.

"Not really."

"All I have to do is pout and you turn to putty in my hands ge. You have a , accept it." Kris refused to listen to such nonsense and found a better use for Tao's mouth, pressed against his.

~

After that time alone, Chen couldn't get enough of Xiumin's presence. He held a love/hate relationship with the hand form of speaking simply because Kris taught him in private, Xiumin just next door, so close yet so far away. Despite hating the distance, Chen listened and practiced diligently, and at home he would add the hand signals to his growing song, falling into a deep slumber before he wanted to finish. It wasn't easy, vocal training, performing, sign language class with the snarkiest teacher alive, and wanting to spend as much time as possible with Xiumin when they were both free. Xiumin had taken up lip reading classes without knowing Chen was doing something equally giving, and they both met with secrets in their hearts and endearing smiles on their lips that spoke of surprise.

"So, it's been a while, hasn't it," Baekhyun spoke as he clapped his hands together behind the high strung curtain, "How has everyone been these past few weeks.

"Sore," Luhan pouted, pushing his younger lover away and limping closer to hang off of Baekhyun's side.

"Lulu, we didn't have any left! And you said you didn't care!"

"That didn't mean you couldn't go easy." Luhan shot glares through Sehun's pouting face and the other laughed.

"I'm writing a new piano composition for that company SM," Kyungsoo inserted, "So I've been busy."

"I had a few long distance gigs so I wasn't here. And no one bothered to call."

"That's not the case Lay," Suho shook his head and took the boys hand, "You forgot your phone charger, remember?" 

"Oh yeah." Lay smiled goofily. Everyone turned their eyes to Chen, who peered down at the ground with his face giving it all away.

"Oh my gosh, Chenchen, are you in love!?" Baekhyun exploded, grabbing the poor boy by the shoulders and shaking him furiously. 

"Baekkie, let him go before he faints," Chanyeol called, walking over and taking a grasp of his boyfriends arms before jerking him back.

"Spill," Luhan started, "From beginning to end!" There was plenty of time, since their performance wasn't for another hour or so.

"Well . . . I met someone that I think I might love. Does that answer your question?" 

"Tell me more," Luhan begged.
"Uh . . . His name is Xiumin and he's the cutest person I've ever seen in my entire life. He's Kris' cousin and he's . . . He's deaf, but I don't care. I'm even learning sign language to make it easier on him." Chen kept his head bowed as the blood practically slaughtered his cheeks and his neck.

"Whoa," Sehun mumbled, "That's deep."

"I never knew you had this side to you," Suho said, "It's really different. He must mean a lot to you." Chen nodded his head and Kyungsoo hugged him.

"I just feel so proud of you." 

"Thanks Soo." The group knew of Kris from Tao, who was usually with them out of performances due to his affinity for performing plays and musicals while they sang and the boyfriends their cheer leading squad. Chen spent the rest of his time being bombarded with embarrassing questions over his steadily growing relationship with Xiumin and how much he seemed to have changed because of it.
"Alright everyone, we need to go out there and remind everyone why we're famous," Baekhyun yelled, reaching his arm out. Chen included, Kyungsoo, Luhan, and Lay each put their hands atop of eachother and screamed childishly as they shot their hands into the air instead of down like a normal person. But they were far from the norm. They were partners, brothers, family.

The stage was quiet, the stools ready and waiting, the one stand carrying a mic lowered in the perfect position. Chen stepped out first in the darkness, his stool, the second to last on the right, was the same one he had used previous times. They had each carved their names somewhere against their stools, a reminder of where they began and where they are. Baekhyun walked out second, his seat the opposite of Chen, and Luhan followed, his seat the last on that side.

Kyungsoo found his seat in the middle, guiltily hoping Kai could again watch him. Lay came forth last, the guitar strapped safely by Suho and the acoustic beauty held carefully in his arms. When they found their seats, spotlights flashed down upon them from left to right, the only light now available in the entirely vicinity. The piano accompaniment, by a boy named Sunggyu, began in the background, the violin accompaniment by a boy named Byunghyun played his first note, and Lay joined instantly, the sound tranquil and saddening. Baekhyun began the song this time around, his voice a soft whispery sound to accommodate the feelings portrayed by the lyrics themselves. 
 

"I love you. I’m sorry.

But I can’t do this anymore." Luhan took a deep breath, his expressive face adding on to the sadness he sang with. Somewhere deep inside, the song touched him and made him wish he could stop singing because of the terrible thoughts drifting through his mind. 
 

"I don’t even have the right to get close to you,

though you love me." Chen's voice seemed to have the biggest affect, breaking in feral sound and producing a melody that could break hearts. Xiumin stood close to his side of the stage, and read his lips perfectly, the tears pooling in his eyes instantly. How badly he wanted to hear him sing.
 

"I don’t have the leisure of being

able to give you my heart." Kyungsoo also had a special sort of affect different from the others, his mouth slightly tightening as he pushed the words through.
 

"I already push myself too far every day,

I cry because each day is too much." The piano steadily kept pace, slow and slightly warming, bringing the crowd to hushed tears as Lay played each chord and individual with care. The chorus became the breaking point, Chen beginning, then Kyungsoo, Luhan, and Lastly Lay, his voice stretching out far, yet soft and reserved. 
 

"Oh, I don’t have anything I can give you, missing you.

I can’t even tell you heartwarming words, but I missing you.

I can’t dare to even hope, but I missing you.

So I push you away like this." In the waking silence, Chen's voice broke the tension, broke Xiumin's heart because he could see but could not hear, could feel, yet not fully experience. He's wasting so much on me. What have I done? Xiumin clutched at his heart. Why does it hurt so much?

"Because I’m a fool who has nothing but his own heart." 

The second verse began with Baekhyun again, his voice somehow deeper, more depth then before and full of heart breaking emotion.
 

"I hold back, even though it hurts

For me even tears are a luxury."

Luhan wouldn't dare look towards Sehun in the darkness as he sang. They had been together for so long and Sehun had never seen the older cry. The stage light protected his wet cheeks purely by luck.
 

"I don’t even have the right to look at you

Though you look at me." Lay worked his vocal chords to sing a high pitch and Suho watched with such love and care in his eyes it was melting.
 

"I know (you do). My heart is where you are." Kyungsoo's voice, it had such soul. He remembered the first time he met Kai, or Jongin as he calls him when they are alone. He remembers when he realized he was so in love with the other.
 

"Where it’s close enough our breaths could meet,

always in that same spot." The chorus came again, the song almost at its end, the group branching off again. Baekhyun's heart, Luhan's trust, Lay's love, Kyungsoo's soul. 
 

"Oh, I don’t have anything I can give you,
missing you.

I can’t even tell you heartwarming words,
I missing you.

I can’t dare to even hope,
I missing you.

So I push you away like this." And then there was Chen. Xiumin read his lips as the boy singing his heart out eyes closed and he became lost in the music, a trance of piano and guitar, lost in his own voice. Xiumin hated it with all his heart, not being able to hear that one moment, where Chen's voice rose higher than any other pitch in the song so far. Everyone joined in on his last note before it ended.
 

"Because I love you more than anybody
 

else in this world does I hold back." Chen continued into the last bridge, finding his inner strength to finish. Kyungsoo felt the urge to cry and used his free hand to take Baekhyun's. Baekhyun squeezed back and finished his own part, basking in the instrumental. Luhan sighed his line, his voice lowering.  

"Oh, I don’t have anything I can give you, missing you.

I’m worried all I’ll be able to do is shed tears, I missing you.

I can’t dare to even hope, but I missing you.

Because I’m like this." Lay ended the song vocally, the instruments closing with the pluck of a string.

"Because I’m a fool who has nothing but his own heart." It took the crowd a moment to comprehend that the song was over before erupting with cheers. They wished for an encore, but the boys were much too overwhelmed by the song to sing anything else. Once backstage, the singers and lovers all united, except Chen, who dashed out and into the lobby, hastily looking around for his baozi. He found Xiumin leaning against a wall by the main entrance, his head bowed, shoulders shaking. What happened to my baozi? Chen walked over and pressed a hand to Xiumin's cheek and forcefully raised the boys head. Xiumin was crying, the expression on his face unfit for his angelic features.

"I-I learned to l-lipread. A-And I c-could understand what y-you were saying, b-but I couldn't hear it. I couldn't hear it!" Chen was astounded. Xiumin barely ever spoke, ever. But he had been learning to read lips? Was it for his sake? He gracefully wrapped his arms around the crying boy, even if he was older, Chen took control. He rocked them back and forth, feeling his heart stir in his chest as Xiumin hugged him back, crushing them together.

"I-I'm so s-sorry," Xiumin cried, "I'm s-so sorry I l-love you." It had been approximately 2 months since that fateful day where Chen had met Xiumin's eyes in the crowd, it had been 2 months since Chen wanted Xiumin's love, his heart. But why was Xiumin sorry? Chen merely pulled away slightly from their embrace, which was a difficult feat seeing as Xiumin refused to loosen his hold, and leaned down to crush their lips together, something he had wanted to initiate a long time ago. But now, he wanted to calm down Xiumin as best he could. 

Their lips sloppily moved against eachother, Xiumin too disoriented to apply the right motions and Chen too lazy to care. Xiumin pressed his body closer into Chen and finally tilted his head slightly to press their lips together the right way, thin against thick. Xiumin produced a sound in the back of his throat and Chen found it so adorable. He ran his hand up Xiumin's body to his hair, pressing the boys face closer, his teeth nipping at lip and pulling teasingly. Xiumin tasted so intoxicating. It was a taste of deepest euphoria, harshest love, sinking trust as their tongues managed to find a way to be together.The kiss ended slowly, both unwilling to break their first. When Xiumin opened his eyes to see Chen's breathtaking smile, he felt so destroyed. Why? Why do you have to do this to me? Give me so much when I can only read your face in return? Why can't I be normal? Xiumin's face fell but he quickly covered it up with a small smile. He's trying so hard to please me. It wasn't right or fair for Xiumin to do this, to take and take and force Chen to deal with him.

I can't keep you. I can't. 

"Come on," Chen murmured, Xiumin eyeing his lips and understanding. Chen released him and took his hand to lead him away, unaware that soon, so soon, there would be no more hand to hold. It was too soon, Chen would say, much too soon.

"Are you sure you can help me with the song?" Chen felt uncomfortable with the girl, especially considering the way she eyed him up and down. Her name was Hyorin and she was the best in the female department, which was a good enough reason if any to get help with the song. It was a duet, and he knew in order to receive a perfect score, he needed a really good female lead vocal to blend together well with his. He had heard her sing before, so it seemed like a good way to go. But now, not so much. She liked skinship, and Chen was unwilling to give.

"Would you just hold my hand?" Chen ripped his hand out of her hold for the third time that day and shook his head, turning back to his freshly completed music.

"Did you honestly want me as a partner just for my voice? Have you not seen me?!" Chen ignored her ignorance and settled for mumbling over his lines and seeing ways they could mesh during the most important chorus.

"Can you please focus on these lines here and here." Chen pointed them out and ignored her huffing. she grudgingly snatched the paper away and looked over the parts.

"Fine, whatever." They practiced until late, Chen easily refusing all of Hyorin's offers and packed his bag for Kris' apartment. He seemingly lived there now, since that was where Xiumin was. Again, he left the practice room and the PA building shortly after. The sun still sat in the sky, darkening after a few minutes. Before long, Chen found his way into Kris' home, now apart of him, of everything he did, everything he was. Xiumin was texting someone when Chen came, and when he noticed, he shoved his phone in his pocket and guiltily looked elsewhere. Chen was much too happy to see the older to notice.

"Chenchen," Xiumin cooed, reaching his arms out from where he lay on the couch. Chen kicked off his shoes and dropped his bag before journeying further into the apartment and squeezing in beside Xiumin. He would never get tired of this, of being with him. Xiumin had become the light Chen swarmed to like a small moth. He was everything and the only thing Chen needed. Xiumin pressed a small kiss to the hollow of Chen's throat, in his mind the same words repeating themselves, tearing his heart to pieces. I'm so sorry for being me, but soon, I'll fix myself. Just wait, just please wait.They were quiet, it felt odd.

"Chen," Xiumin began, his voice a small whisper,"What would you say if I said I could get my hearing back?" Chen nearly fell out of the couch in his excitement. It was almost hard for Xiumin to read his lips when his eyes were so bright.

"I'd say go. It'd be so wonderful for you to hear again." Don't, don't say that. Say no. Say stay. Say I'm fine exactly the way I am. Just don't say that. Xiumin smiled, the feeling not reaching his eyes. Of course Chen would want to be with someone normal, but then again, he was just being supportive. He had no idea that Xiumin was serious, that his words tore away at his heart more than anything else could. 

Chen didn't know. And that was okay.

Because

Xiumin didn't want him to.

~

Part 2