After Seungho took off back to Seoul, things weren’t the same. Cheolyong no longer felt as reassured by his relationship with Sanghyun, and started distancing himself from the boy. It wasn’t planned, he didn’t necessarily mean to act aloof, it just naturally happened. Sanghyun was quick to notice that, confronting the younger one about it one time only to get an unsure shake of head.

 

As usual, Seungho had managed to blow everything off only with his presence.

 

Cheolyong found a great excuse for distraction in his studies for the first time. He shielded himself behind his study desk whenever Sanghyun felt the distance between them growing, making them even more unreachable for each other. He just didn’t want to face Sanghyun and tell him that the feelings for Seungho were still there, untouched, if not stronger than before because now he understood, everything was in the open.

 

For this year’s winter break, Seungho returned home, since he was already comfortably installed in Seoul and college. Cheolyong immediately knew something was wrong, because Seungho struggled to smile and talk normally. His eyes were tired, his shoulders were always hunched and his face didn’t look good at all. When he tried speaking, it came out lifeless and forced. There clearly was something wrong, and everyone noticed, everyone had asked, but he just brushed it off with difficulty and avoided the issue.

 

“Ok, you’ll have to talk to me,” Cheolyong said when the two of them sat together on the park in their neighborhood. “What the hell is up with you?”

 

Seungho hesitated, looked around. Then he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs, looking down.

 

“Changsun and I broke up.”

 

Cheolyong’s mind went blank, just like that. He just stared at Seungho’s pathetically sad figure, not even blinking, not even breathing. Never in his life did he know he’d so literally live up to the expression “not know what to think”. He virtually did not have any idea of what to think, he simply sat there, frozen, speechless. It felt as though years were going by as he remained in that same position, but it was just seconds until Seungho looked at him.

 

“I don’t know what to say,” he stammered under the older one’s inquiring gaze, meaning each word. He didn’t know if he should be happy, because finally, or sad since Seungho’s behavior showed well enough he wasn’t coping with that situation, or why he should be either of his things, because he was with Sanghyun and whatever happened in Seungho’s love life shouldn’t affect him at all.

 

Only it did.

 

“What happened?” he went on, finally remembering something he could say, at least.

 

Seungho averted his gaze, looking back at his own hands emptily, fingers sliding slowly against each other.

 

“We wanted different things,” he said quietly, clearing his throat. Then he shook his head, pressing a hand against his face. “It’s so stupid. It was far from the first time we had that argument, but this time I just told him to leave.” He turned to Cheolyong, making the boy gulp when his sad eyes looked into his. “Just like that, as though it didn’t matter anymore.”

 

“Well,” the younger one raised his voice again, even though it sounded weak, and there was a bit of hope when he spoke even though it shouldn’t be there at all, “does it?”

 

Seungho blinked, obviously taken aback by the question. He hadn’t expected it. His chin hung a little as he tried to find an answer, and Cheolyong barely noticed he’d inched forward with anticipation as the older one picked his words.

 

“It does,” it wasn’t clear if he was stating it or asking it to himself, voice quiet and feeble. “It should matter. It wouldn’t make sense if it didn’t matter because I like him. He should matter, right?”

 

Cheolyong could do nothing but watch, because Seungho’s monologue sounded a lot like his own last year, when he was trying to convince himself he was not in love with older one – he didn’t have much luck then.

 

Days later, when Cheolyong had managed to make him laugh and go out and have fun, even Seungho didn’t do any of those properly, they found themselves in Cheolyong’s apartment, eating together while his parents were going out just like the old times. He didn’t know what it was, maybe the sensation of nostalgia, maybe the way Seungho looked so vulnerable, something just made Cheolyong corner him in the living room with a solemn expression on his face.

 

“Hyung,” he called softly, and then his voice got firmer. “I like you.”

 

Just like that, he felt lighter than he’d ever felt in his entire lifetime. It was such a sublime sensation coming from such simple words that represented such a simple sentiment. Cheolyong had never felt more at peace with himself than at that moment, everything just became immediately easy, as though someone had finally the lights after he’d felt his way around in the dark for ages.

 

Seungho would’ve stretched this by asking what he meant or pretending he hadn’t understood what Cheolyong meant, but the way the younger one carried himself, determined and strong-willed, left no room for those games. It was pretty clear what he meant.

 

“Well, what do you want me to say?” Seungho asked, dropping to the couch after a long moment of silence. It had caught him by surprise, he never expected Cheolyong – Cheolyong, the kid he used to babysit – to harbor that sort of feelings for him.

 

“Nothing,” Cheolyong said with a shrug. He hadn’t imagined Seungho would react any differently, but, for some reason, after all those years of silence, he thought he would never get a more appropriate chance to put the cards on the table than now. “I just felt like I should have you know.”

 

“Cheolyong, I’ve just broken up with someone else, I’m still stuck in the end of my relationship,” the other one stammered, looking away. “And you, you have a boyfriend, don’t you? You must be mixing feelings up–”

 

“Hyung,” Cheolyong called him, smiling reassuringly when the boy eyed him with confusion. “It’s ok. I really don’t expect you to do anything about it. You’re right – you’ve just broken up with Changsun, and I have Sanghyun. But I know that I like you, I’m not confused or misled. I like you. I’ve liked you for a long time now, and the fact we were both with other people never changed that. I just wanted to let you know.” He squeezed Seungho’s shoulder. “Really.”

 

He honestly didn’t mind being rejected, because the sensation of doing something right was enough for him at that moment.