Okay, let me get this straight. He kissed me. It was he who leaned in and kissed me on the lips. And to be honest, it was unforgettable. The moment our lips touched… I know they always described it on Harlequin Romance novels with flowery, illogical scenarios, but I swear time stopped when he landed me that kiss. It was brief, but I felt his tender lips press onto mine. I’m not kidding when I say I could’ve died right there and then.

So since it’s been clear that he’s the one who kissed me, I don’t fecking get why he barely met my eyes the next day. I’ve been up all night, imagining he’d ignore me and drop Literature. I mean, what if he was appalled at what we did? To be honest, it did go awkward after we kissed. Everyone cheered, true, but there was something between Kris and me—something that was probably changed forever. I don’t know if it’s positive or negative.

Imagine my shock when all these were realized.

He’s not even his usual talkative self, and when Dr. Bao remarked on this “phenomenon,” his only reply was a curt smile.

To be fair, we did speak to each other.

“Wu Fan!” Dr. Bao was distributing our checked home works. I handed Kris’s paper to him.           

“Thanks,” he replied.

“Sure.”

The meeting after that, I was mortified. He was absent. My classmates who were also on our table during that blasted spin the bottle game were throwing me odd looks. They must’ve sensed something was wrong between Kris and me. In my defense, they weren’t at their best behaviors, too, so they have nothing against me. One of the girls from my class kissed another girl from Shandong University. Of course some would say it’s different when two girls kiss, but whatever. Society, I don’t fecking care.

What if he dropped out of the class? Was kissing me that bad? I mean I didn’t force him to! I was too frozen to even move.

My friends chastised me during lunch.

“Maybe he’s sick,” Lu Han offered.

“Sick from kissing me?” I asked the group.

“Stop being so ridiculous.” Chen slapped my arm.  Don’t rush into conclusions.”

“But there is the possibility that he’s avoiding me.”

“If he’s feeling awkward about kissing you, then maybe he’s having some ‘issues.’” Yixing said, sounding all sage-like and yet something naughty glimmered on his eyes.

“What ‘issues’?”

“Straight guys are never awkward about their uality,” he explained, like an expert from Cosmopolitan. “After all, it’s a game and he knows anyone could be chosen. His theoretical ‘making a fuss’ about this is kind of fishy.”

“You think so?”

“I think he’s right.” Chen agreed. “Is there a possibility of him being at least biual? Curious?”

I thought hard. I tried to go back and look if there are any signs of “gay Kris” that went past my radar. But no, I couldn’t find anything. When I told them about this, the guys just shrugged. “Or maybe it really is awkward to kiss a guy, whether you’re straight or not. Especially if it’s your first time.”

“Well, I don’t care. From now on, I won’t be giving even a miniscule piece of about him.” In my most secret heart of hearts, I knew I was lying.

We only have 2 weeks left before the term ends and Kris just couldn’t afford being absent any more—not if he wants to pass. Somehow I came to realize I preferred his absence now that he’s always present. The “awkwardness thermometers” would burst from the levels of uneasiness in the classroom. He wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t even give me a polite nod or smile. It was heartbreaking. What’s worse is he returned to his usual jolly, stupid state. The cheek of him! He wouldn’t include me on his jokes anymore. We weren’t a “tandem” now. I hate myself for missing those times. Suddenly, his being boisterous seemed appealing and y.

Friday came—the last meeting for Literature class. Dr. Bao asked us to sort and compute our grades (so we’ll know right away if we’re going to pass or not). I was so hopeful he’d finally talk to me, but no. When I asked for his calculator, he politely handed it over to me. When I thanked him, he didn’t even bother telling me I’m welcome. From that moment on, I knew our friendship was done.

That afternoon, I did what I seldom do—drink without an occasion. Well, technically there’s an occasion—the death of my friendship with Kris. I invited my friends over to 7-11. I purchased a small bottle of Pepsi and a small bottle of rum.

“Tao, you do not have time to drink,” Chen said, alarmed. He knew I was so depressed but he never thought I’d actually resort to drinking. In school. “We have a class in 15 minutes!”

“Finish this for me,” I ordered, pushing the Pepsi bottle onto him.

After numerous, quick gulps, he returned the bottle to me. Under watchful eyes, I poured the rum onto the empty bottle of Pepsi.

“No, Tao…” Lu Han said, panic visible in his eyes. “No! You’ll get caught.”

“I don’t care.”

The effects of my stupidity didn’t hit me until 30 minutes after the next class had started. I started to feel wobbly, and I immediately regretted my decision to drink. I didn’t finish the bottle, but even though I was still conscious of my actions, my eyes and body are failing me. I’m shutting down.

My professor noticed my unusual redness. “Huang Zitao, are you drunk?”

“No, sir,” I replied. But my knees are wobbly, and I’m feeling funny.

“He’s just sick, sir,” Lu Han said. “He’s feeling nauseous all day long.”

Professor Zhu looked from Lu Han to me, and then back again. He totally wasn’t buying this whole I’m-sick alibi. “Well then, you better go to the clinic, lad.”

I went out of the room and texted Lu Han to go fetch my things. I totally won’t be returning to that class.

I went out of the school for some fresh air. I’m starting to sober up, and I decide I need some time alone.

This thing with Kris—I should choose to move on and be strong instead. I decided there’s no use in moping around and mourning for something that never even existed. Yes, I felt like there might be a chance for Kris and me after that kiss. But I was being delusional.

It just hurts because we’ve kissed and I was kind of hoping something sparked inside of him. Of course, I do not mean anything naughty by “spark,” but sure, why not. And I was kind of wishing he’d turn gay for me. I don’t know—these are crazy thoughts, but hey, I can dream.

I felt my phone vibrate. It was Lu Han.

I saw him outside our room. Maybe he’s looking for you? his message read.

Very unlikely, Lu. I wanted to reply. And thanks for helping me in my recovery.

I deleted his message—a symbolic equivalent of my choosing happiness over depression. I choose myself over Kris. Hey, I don’t need him. Sure, we kissed, but I must grow up and understand that these things happen. Suddenly, I was filled with hope and strength. I looked forward to something bright—a promising tomorrow. And then someone called me from behind.

“Hey,” Kris said when I turned around.

I felt my heart pound hard. What is wrong with me? Seconds ago, I chose happiness. Why am I feeling so anxious and depressed all of a sudden?

He handed me a CD on a paper sleeve. “I know how much you love games,” he said. “It’s something I’ve developed. Please give me your feedback about it.”

Before I could even breathe, he was gone.

I was a vision of lunacy. If my parents ever saw me while I was playing Kris’s game, I’m sure they would’ve called the nearest mental asylum. That’s why I decided to wait until they’re asleep before I play.

When I inserted the CD to my computer, the tears came and flooded my cheeks. The game started, and I was marveling at how he programmed all this (the graphics kind of , though). I was laughing. And crying. And eating ice cream.

The game wasn’t very complex, but it has a nice storyline. It’s about a guy who was teleported into another dimension where countries are warring with each other, and there’s this interesting wind emperor and his lover, the Telekinetic Witch.

At the start of the game, it said that there would be three chapters. After the first chapter, I nearly toppled over the ice cream gallon as the following flashed on the screen:

Tao. I’ve been scared. Really, really scared. These emotions were foreign to me, and you know how that saying goes—we’re afraid of what we do not know. I was afraid because I felt something in me, and I felt like it was abnormal. I felt like I should do something to kill it.

“That’s it?” I said out loud. I was too shocked to process the whole thing. And then I get it.

He wants me to finish the game. There’ll be more of this.

I do not know if I should still proceed. I don’t exactly like what I’ve read on chapter 1. Abnormal? What the ?

But I felt like I should finish it. For the sake of closure. Or maybe because I have masochistic tendencies.

Chapter 2 dragged on and I felt like it was the longest phase in the history of video games. The enemies were a lot harder to kill, too. I feel like killing Kris.

The end of this chapter contained the following message:

Over the weeks, I’ve tried to ignore you. I know you were hurt—I can see it in your eyes. But at the moment I felt like it was the best for both of us. I knew eventually the feelings would disappear. But I was wrong.

The chapter 3 contained the boss fight. It has the nastiest, strongest, boss villain in history. I’m not even kidding. I think I spent like, an hour or so trying to kill it. I directed my rage on it, gritting my teeth as I try to kill it with the Ultraelectromagnetic Sword with Unicorns. There are moments when I nearly screamed. If it weren’t for the fact that my parents were sleeping, I’d probably thrown this computer on the wall.

When I exhausted the last of my Fairy Wing Shuriken, I finally killed the bastard. I held on to my seat as the following flashed before my eyes:

These feelings weren’t meant to be destroyed. It was supposed to be cherished. Because it is beautiful, Tao. I’ve been so, so wrong. I am sorry. I was so confused, and it was all new to me. I ran away instead of fighting for it. I let my prejudice win.

This game is for you. I’m so sorry everything —from the programming to the graphics (you don’t know how mortified I am right now, knowing you’re a multimedia student). But all these were done with one thing in mind—to make it up to you. I’m sorry Tao.

The credits rolled and so are the tears in my eyes. I cupped my hands over my face. I don’t know what to say, I don’t even know what to think. I was too exhausted. Should I assume everything would work out just fine? Or was all these just a mere confession, and should not be taken as something that would give birth to, say, a relationship?

I wanted to kick Kris in the shins, for I found the credits really funny. It went like this:

Programmer: Kris

Writer: Kris

Graphic Designer: Kris

Producer: Kris’s parents

Music: Downloaded from the Internet

As the credits neared its ending, I stood up to get water. But something stopped me. The screen flashed, “DON’T YOU DARE CLOSE THIS PROGRAM.”

Feeling as if controlled by the computer, I sat down. I was shocked, honestly. I felt like my mom has scolded me.

I clicked “proceed” and I wish I didn’t. Or maybe it was inevitable. Maybe this is how things should really end. I cried. I cried hard.

I love you, Tao. I’d love to make more games for you, if you’ll give me the chance.

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Yay! I finished another story. :) I hope you guys enjoyed this. And for those who've read The Roomie, I'm sorry. I will update soon. Really.

And sorry for the shameless plugging.