How long had it been now? Was this the 3rd month?  It felt like a year. One long, painful, miserable year since you left. In all reality, it had been but three months.

Today was the 90th day. Everyday I'd wrote a letter addressed to you, and every day I would place it inside of my draw. I wouldn't send them.

89 letters in total were inside that draw. The 90th? I was writing it. Even though I knew I wouldn't send these letters, these letters that held the secrets in my heart, I still wrote them.

It was stupid, I could see that. If I told someone about it, they'd tell me the same thing. You wouldn't love me. You couldn't. I was but a little girl compared to you. Surely you only thought of me as a sister. It was the only thing that would make sense. We had been brought up like that, anyway.

A girl my age shouldn't be spending her time like this. I'm 15, you're 18. There are three years between us. I should still be out having fun, yet I found my place in the wooden chair placed before the dark desk in my room. Writing all of my feelings until the muscles in my hand tensed and my hand grew tried.

See what you've done? See what you did when you left? See why you should have stayed?

Of course not, because I wouldn't show you.

I didn't want to show you the feelings I locked up inside of me since before I could remember. I couldn't.

Because you saw me as a sister.

We weren't related by blood. We didn't share a family name. We didn't even live in the same house. You were merely my brother's friend. Yet I've known you since the day of my birth. We were brought up as siblings, because that's how close you were to my brother. I thought I loved you like a brother too, so why can't I stop thinking about you? Why is it I love you more than my brother? Why is it when my friends are talking about boys my mind wonders to you and I can't help but smile?

Why, Oh Sehun? Why do I love you so much?

Why can't these feelings inside of me just leave, why does this have to be so complicated? Why does my heart feel like it’s being crushed, just because you aren't by my side anymore? Just because you're not here anymore!

I can live without you, but even if I tell myself this a thousand times, it won't make the statement true.

You'll become a memory. If only this was true. If only I could forget you. If only I didn't need you.

It was so obvious I did. So obvious I was nothing without you. Chanyeol could see it. Kai could see it. Baekhyun could see it. Everyone could see it. I know they can.

I was slipping without you. Everything about me, was suddenly a mess. Trying didn't exist to me anymore. Why bother getting up when you'll only fall again?

My brother couldn't help me, he tried. His friends couldn't do anything either. My friend's tries were useless too. Without you I was a daze, stuck inside the memories we made together.

"Just write to him!" They tell me. But all that comes out are useless words.

"Sehun's on the phone Danbi, want to speak to him?" Chanyeol would offer, but your voice leaves me sobbing.

"Danbi you can find someone better!" Can I? Really? Would it even be possible to feel this way for anyone else? After all this has passed over, will I be a stronger person like they say? Like in those stupid romance stories?

I wanted to believe them. So much I longed to smile along with them like I did. Like when you were here. But my tries are useless; I can't get over you. So I'll give up trying, I'll accept that I love you. Even if it hurts me so much I feel like I'm dying, I won't try to move on. In the end, I can't.

"Danbi... Want to go out?" Chanyeol's voice filled my silent room.

He's trying once again, trying to get me to move on. Can't he see it's useless? Can't he see that no matter how much he tries, I'll still return to my space on this wooden chair, lost in thought as I write another meaningless letter addressed to the boy I can't forget?

"No Oppa, I don't want to go out today. I don't want to go out tomorrow, and I'm not going out the day after." I know my answer is harsh, I know my words are unnecessary. But it's the only thing I can say to stop myself from breaking down, the only act I can put up where my sorrow wasn't noticeable. The only way I knew how to act apart from depressed.

"Danbi, you know I'm here if you want to talk? Mom and dad, they're there too. Everyone is worried about you Danbi, so please speak to us. Please don't waste away in here." My brother was worried. I felt bad for worrying everyone, for being like this towards them while they were only trying to help.

But how else was I meant to act? I didn't know. I didn't know what to do. How? How was I meant to act. Tell me Chanyeol, because you seem to know. Can you answer my silent question?

"Danbi, please talk to me..." His voice was growing weaker, but the plea was louder. My brother wanted to help me, yet he didn't know how. No one knows how.

"I've nothing to talk about, Chanyeol." My sigh carried out my words as they left my mouth, emotionless and equally useless.

"You know how transparent you are? It's obvious what you're doing, how you feel. Danbi, just talk to me, or someone. Please." Will he continue to plea so endlessly? Will there be a time when they give up trying to get through to me, or will they continue to hopelessly talk to me, trying to change the path my heart has decided to take?

I don't feel the need to talk to them. Neither do I feel the need to busy myself and stop thinking about this. Am I being immature? Childish? Isn't that what you always thought of me anyway? Why should I change now, just because you're no longer here?

"Danbi you can't honestly tell me you're happy with being like this? Writing those pointless letters you're never going to send off anyway! Danbi, just send one of them. Just do something with them because this is just getting stupid!" Pointless? Stupid? Don't you think I already know that, Park Chanyeol? Don't you think I already know I'm an idiot for thinking this would actually help?

"Just leave Chanyeol. Don't you think I know all of these things? If you've only came to plea again then leave, because at least you'll be doing something useful."

My room was silence once again, but my brother still hadn't left. Was he shocked by my reaction? Was he debating with himself as to what he should do next? Why should care? I'm not even going to turn around, I'm not bothered by his actions.

"Danbi, please don't be like this... Can't you be happy again?"

I don't know Chanyeol. I just don't know.

My brother must have been waiting for an answer, because it took him five minutes before finally leaving my room, shutting the door behind him. I was alone once again to drown in my thoughts. Not that I really ever felt like I was with anyone. Sure, I acknowledged his existence, but I didn't truly care that he was there. I didn't feel like he was helping me, despite that I knew he was trying.

I just want to be alone. Alone so I don't have to deal with these problems. Alone. Would that stop my pain? Of course not, I'd be stupid to think it would. But it's inviting, being alone. I can concentrate now that Chanyeol has left, now that I'm alone.

Concentrate on this letter. The 90th one that I'm addressing to you. Just like the others. So why do I sigh as I finish writing? When I set my pen down on my desk top? I don't even read through it as I place it into the envelope and write your name onto the white surface, along with your address. I calmly walk over to the draw and place it inside, along with the other 89. Why don't I just send them off? Am I afraid?

Yeah. It must be that. Afraid. Afraid that you'll think I'm but a child. Afraid you'll throw the letters away and think I'm stupid.

I am stupid, aren't I? Ugh, I should cruel into a hole and live there for the rest of my life. Or the next best thing; I'll go and rolling up into a tiny ball on my bed and prey that everyone will leave me alone.

--

Another ten days passed, 100 letters. Another ten, 110 ten letters. Why was I even still writing them? I'm going to have to give up soon. But. I don't want to give up.

In school I was an emotional wreck. My friends would all laugh and have fun. I didn't join in. I didn't want to. I'd just stand and watch them as they made jokes. Sometimes they'd pass me worried or sympathetic looks, others they'd just pretend I wasn't there. They tried, back when you first left, to cheer me up. Have they realised it's no use? That their attempts to bring the smile back to me were useless? Have they, given up?

Mom and dad were worried. They'd discussed placing me into a different school. I'd meet new people.

They thought it would help. Why did they decide against it in the end? I don't know. Maybe they realised it was no use. I was this way for a reason, I was probably going to stay this way for a long time. They couldn't stop this pain in my chest just by transferring me to another school. They understood that I wasn't upset because of school. I was upset because of a boy.

Chanyeol was normal. He entered my room every day, making light conversation. Sometimes he'd mention Sehun, and then sometimes he'd go days without mentioning him.

Sometimes he made jokes like "Sehun says he wants a letter from you, why don't I send one of the ones in this draw?" I ignored him though. Did he actually send the letters? Was I worried he had? Worry. It wasn't a feeling I'd felt, not for a long time. I'm sure I didn't worry that the letters were sent, I didn't even check that they were still in the draw.

Was Chanyeol up to something? Had my brother actually came up with some sort of a plan? If it was Chanyeol that had made it, then it was sure to fail.

"Danbi~" Ah, there he is again. There was the annoying person that I called brother. He was back again, the same time he always came back at. Just as I finished my letter, then proceeded to curl up into a ball under the covers of my bed. About five minutes after I did that. That was the time Chanyeol would come into my room.

"You're back again? Aren't you getting bored?" A sigh introduced my words, while a chuckle introduced my brothers.

"Aren't you getting bored? I'll get bored, when you get bored." There it was, his cocky response that if it wasn't for my emotionless shell, I'd surely have got annoyed with.

"You know Danbi, your friend told me something today." And that was his attempt to make a conversation.

When I made no reply, Chanyeol pushed on. "She said that there was a boy in your class who seemed to keep watching you. Maybe he likes you Danbi."

"Good for him." A small yawn followed after my words.

"Well you should talk to him." Chanyeol, I know what you were hinting at. That's why I said 'good for him'. I wasn't interested. Obviously.

"Ah that's right, you only like Sehun." Was my brother taking pleasure in this? Is that why most of his words came out as a joke? Why he sounded so happy whenever he spoke to me?

"Just leave me alone Chanyeol."

"Oh. Should I? But wouldn't that be boring, because then you'd be cooped up in this room with no one to talk to?" Mused. That was the only way to describe how his words sounded. Mused.

"Chanyeol I said go away. Isn't it obvious I don't want to speak to you?"

"If..." He suddenly trailed off and sighed. Was he too giving up? Had he realised it was useless? "Alright, I'll leave you alone. Sweet dreams Danbi."

With that said my brother left my room, the only thing to be heard was a hopeless sigh before I drifted off to sleep.

--

Now what day was it? Monday? Saturday? It was the 125th day since you've been gone. That's all I know. The actual date had escaped me long, long ago. Along with most things, I didn’t know anything anymore. Am I still clinging on so hopelessly to you?

I guess I am.
“Oi Danbi.” It wasn’t Chanyeol this time that had entered my room in such a loud fashion. I guess my friends had once again found the strength to try and bring me back to reality.
“What do you want Mimi?” My words were cold, an act I was used to using now. My only cover up.
When a strong yet feminine hand started up pull me up from my place within the covers, I let out a long, annoyed groan. It went unnoticed by my friend however, who just continued to pull me. “Get up and get dressed. We’re going out and nothing you say is going to stop me. Understand? Good.”
Hissing at the female who quickly escaped my room after pulling me up, I followed her somewhat short yet powering orders, quickly washing and dressing. Had I got tired of lying around? Tired of not being able to do anything? Is that why I was following the orders of my friend without putting up a fight? Or was it because I didn’t have much of a fight left within my tiny, now frail body?
“Danbi are you done?” Chanyeol. His voice as annoying as it always had been. He opened my door without knocking once, pulling me outside once he saw I was indeed ready to leave. “Good, you’re not fighting with us today!”
Groaning was the only thing I could think of doing at the moment. It wasn’t like I was obeying my brother because I wanted to, more because I had no real way to fight back. My tries would be useless so why not just go along with it? Why not just allow myself to be pulled around by the two monsters that I called friends. I guess I’ll just have to.
Chanyeol pushed me into the back seat of his car as Mimi strapped me in. Glaring her way, she just continued to smile at me. These two were up to something. Something I probably wouldn’t like. If two idiots were the ones to make up the plan then it will burn. Because idiots can’t make plans.
I glared at them the whole way. I didn’t ask where we were going. Do I care? No. Not so much. It didn’t really matter, because I was in my brother’s car on the way there now. Even if I decided I didn’t want to go, it would happen anyway. Because, I agreed to go in the first place.
“Danbi if the wind changes direction your face will be stuck like that.” Mimi’s lame excuse for a joke. Didn’t she know things like that were told to little babies to stop them from pulling faces at people? Did she, honestly, think that telling me such a thing would stop me from glaring at her? Well it won’t work.
Scoffing at my friend, I crossed my arms and continued with my hard glare. For five minutes I direct it to my brother, then I’d turn my head to direct the glare at my friend. Childish? Maybe I am. Maybe I haven’t grown up yet. Maybe I still have a lot to learn in this world.

But even if this is true, it doesn’t mean I’m planning on growing up any time soon. That might be the reason I was afraid. The reason I was acting the way I did, when if I was an adult I should have just moved on. The reason why you won’t accept me.
Mimi sighed besides me. Had my sudden change in attitude been that noticeable? Was it because my glare had disappeared so quickly, being replaced by a thin line on my face as my eyes reduced to emotionless slits? Was it because of my thoughts had suddenly returned to the boy whom I couldn’t stop thinking about? Had you even left my thoughts in the first place?
“Danbi lighten up a bit. How can someone related to me be so emotionless and sad all of the time?” Chanyeol’s voice filled the silent car. It had a way of doing so, filling silent rooms and places. Was it because he was always so loud? Or was it the happiness that always seemed to fill his voice?
“I’ll tickle you Danbi!” Mimi received a disapproving glace from my brother, stopping her in her tracks as she had hoped her act would cheer me up.
Staring blankly at the floor, my words came out slow and calm. “Do I need cheering up? Is it really that important that you waste your time on such a useless gesture?”
Were they shocked that I felt this way? Is that why they didn’t reply to my questions? Shocked and with no answer? Were they as useless as I had deemed them?
“Chanyeol, just drive us home.” I concluded the only talking I would do for the rest of the journey. Possibly for the rest of the day.
However my brother didn’t turn the car around. Not that I expected him to. If there was one good thing about Chanyeol, it was that he was persistent. Not always at the right times, but he was.

--

Leaning against the car window, I found that we’d drove quite a while away from our actual home. How long was our drive? 2 ½ hours? More? Why had my brother drove us all the way out here just to park outside a small café? It didn’t look fancy, so it wouldn’t have been that. I’d never heard of it before. So was that my brother’s plan? His attempt to cheer me up was to bring me miles away from my home and make me eat at a café which I’d never heard of, then sit in a car with him for another two and a half hours until we finally returned home? What was the point in that?
“Come on Danbi, move already.” Being poked and prodded by Mimi while she tried to get me to move wasn’t how I wanted to spend my time. Oh, sitting in my room was? Actually, I didn’t like doing that either, but I preferred it to this.
“I got her, I got her.” I didn’t enjoy being dragged out of the car by Chanyeol either, but beggars can’t be choosers. Did I choose for this though? I don’t think I did.
“Danbi pick up your feet and walk.”
“Un.” I did as I was told, naturally. Being dragged wasn’t all that fun, neither was being poked. Not that I really wanted to sit in a café either, but I picked up my weak legs and dawdled along behind the two who shot me worried looks. I ignored it, just like I usually did. If I had to do this then why not just get it over and done with?
Almost as soon as we’d sat down at the small table in the café, the two disappeared to go and do things.
“Ah, I think I forgot to lock the car! I’ll be right back.” You locked it Chanyeol. I watched you lock it.
“Sitting in that car for so long has made me need the toilet!” Mimi ran off towards the toilets, not even bothering to ask me if I would like to accompany her.
So there I was. Sitting in a comfortable chair in front of a small, round table. In the end I ended up doing what I do every day. That’s why idiots don’t make plans. I said they would fail, and fail is what they did. Isn’t that pitiful?
I ignored the person who sat in the chair in front of me, expecting it to be Chanyeol. I didn’t look up, just continued to stare at the table in a daze.
“Yah Danbi, didn’t I say I wanted a letter?”
Gasp. That wasn’t Chanyeol. That voice defiantly wasn’t Chanyeol. If I even tried to mistake it for Chanyeol I’d be stupid.
“I didn’t expect you to send me one every day.”
So Chanyeol had sent the letters. I debated looking up, but I was too scared. Would Sehun be disgusted in me?
“I didn’t send any.”
“Oh, you didn’t? But you wrote some right?” Of course I wrote them. Why wouldn’t I write? Well, it could be the same reason I didn’t send them. But.
“Of course I wrote, I just didn’t send them because…” Why did I add because? Was I really that stupid?
“Because?”
“Because I didn’t want to, why else?” Snapping. Why did I have to snap at Sehun, wasn’t it just a stupid thing to do?
“If you didn’t want to send them then you wouldn’t have wrote them. Danbi you obviously wanted to send them so why didn’t you?” Why ask a question he already knows the answer to?
Ignore. That’s all I’ll do with the question he asked. I sighed before looking up at him. “Why are you here?”
His shocked expression actually shocked me. “Chanyeol told me to come. I was actually going to ask you why you were sitting here alone.”
Chanyeol. I should have known it would be something stupid like this that you came up with.
“Well Chanyeol went to lock up his car a while ago.”
“His car? He was locking it up? Then why was he pulling out of the driveway?”
My face drained of colour. Had my stupid brother forgot that I was here? Had he forgot that he’d just driven me and Mimi here and then left us? Wait. Mimi.
“There was a girl in his car too, I think it was one of your friends. Danbi what’s going on?”
“My brother just stranded me that’s what’s going on.” Snapping once again I stood up from my seat. Sehun almost looked sad. Was it because he’d been left here with me? The crazy 15 year old that had fallen for him even though we were like siblings?
“Danbi I’ll just message him don’t worry. Sit down okay? You look like you’re going to fall over.”
See. He’s trying to get rid of me. He’d going to fake he’s doing it to be nice and actually just do it to get away from me. Ah how hopeless is this?
Five minutes passed before Sehun placed his phone onto the round table with a sigh. I refused to look up towards him. Wasn’t I just an embarrassment?
“Danbi you look ill have you been eating?”
Why am I ignoring his questions? Why is it even though he’s here, talking to me, I’m still looking at the table in a strop? I really am just a child, aren’t I?
“Danbi is this what you’ve been doing the whole time? I thought your brother was lying but now…”
I was about to stand up again, but I’d only sit back down in the end. What was the point? “Why does it matter what I’ve been doing?”
“Because I’m worried about you! Danbi, everyone is worried about you, can’t you see that everyone cares about you?”
“Don’t you think I know Sehun? But do you think I care that they’re worried about me? Well I do, but it’s not like their worrying has helped me has it?” As my voice rose, more and more people would turn to look at us. Was I disturbing them? Should I feel sorry, or bad that my brother had dumped me here while I was in such a bad mood and now I’m having a go at the only person who I’ve ever actually had feelings for? Should I?
Maybe I should, shouldn’t I?
I think I do care.
But then, I still remanded in my emotionless, cold shell. I didn’t want to show them I was in pain. I didn’t want Sehun to know that actually just being in the same room as him was killing me.
“Maybe because you can’t open your eyes to what’s actually happening around you?” Sehun had always spoken in riddles. It was one of the many things I liked about him; despite the fact it confused me at times.
This, was one of those times. “What? What can’t I open my eyes to?”
“Danbi, is it because you clouded your vision with your own accusations?”
My own accusations? But weren’t they true? There wasn’t any other explanation to this. I don’t think there is, anyway.
“I don’t know.” The lone tear that escaped my eye as my voice cracked, had I finally broke? In such a place, I’d finally broke, because I talked to you one more time.
“Why are crying Danbi?” Sehun actually sounded amused.
“I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore!” I’ll admit I’ve broke. In that moment, I broke down and lost the endless battle I was having with myself. So, I’ll leave.
That’s what I did, got up and left. Or, I’d of liked to, before Sehun pulled me down so I was sitting on top of his lap. Why was he clinging onto me? Why was he hugging me so tightly that I felt like I couldn’t escape? Why was he doing everything I’d always wanted to do?
“Don’t leave Danbi, because I was foolish to have done so in the first place. Danbi, do you want to end up a fool like me? Clutching onto the person you love because you left without telling them that you actually had loved them all those years you were with them?”
Clutching onto the person you love because you left without telling them that you actually had loved them? Did I just hear him right? Was I going loopy?
“Park Danbi, please don’t leave me. I love you.”

--

…I didn’t know how to end it.
I feel like I’ve failed now.
I’m sorry you people. Because I’ve wasted your time with this horrible one shot that shouldn’t exist.

And what the actual hell is with the way I wrote this? I don’t even.

Is it boring? Sorry.

Edit: Woop! Finally got the story from last month back!

I thought we'd never be able to get it!