Chapter IV

Kris sighed against the pillow. The room was cooler than the weather outside due to the curtains being pulled close. All that sunshine only gave him a major headache. Plus, he wasn’t in the mood of finding people walking around happily, ignorant of the storm of emotions that stemmed from the dilemma he presently faced.

Kris laid there, his stomach flat on the soft mattress. And as he raised his head minimally, enough to glance at the letter he was holding open before his eyes, he sighed for the nth time. Months had passed by since this mysterious “AS” bothered to even write a letter to him. Truthfully, he was quite surprised that he remembered her. A lot had happened and a lot was still happening around him. Right now, Kris had his own problems to deal with. He wasn’t entirely sure if he wanted to deal with a stranger whose very existence was under suspicion.

Kris rolled over his back and read the small white paper for the tenth time.

17^th October 2014

Dear Kris,

            Is it too much to hope that you remember me still? You must have been confused by my last letter to you. I wonder, how many letters do you receive every day? I’m not quite sure if you have fans in Korea since, well, you know why.

            Anyway, back to what I was trying to say. Well, you see, even though I need someone to talk to I don’t really know what to say. I’m afraid I jumped too soon into the core with the first one. You must think I’m lying to you, trying to grab your attention. I know you won’t reply to anything I say. I’m not a fool. You’re a celebrity. I’m no one. I’m common. Well, I’m not sure about the common part, but I do seem to go unnoticed. I seem to be digressing again haha!

Well, you see, Kris, my dad was transferred a few days before I sent the second letter. That too, to Mumbai of all places! To say I was upset would have been a gross understatement. I felt like crying right then and there. I was terrified. It had taken me so long to consider any of my friends as close to me. It felt like the rug had been pulled right under my feet and I was falling into an eternal abyss. Pitch black, mysterious, devoid of any hope and happiness.

            Carl Jung would have called me an introvert. You know what an introvert is Kris? It’s someone who liked to be alone, or should I say, likes to spend most of their time in solitude. You see, solitude is something positive. It means you’ve chosen to be by yourself because you simply enjoy ruminating in silence. Alone has such a negative ring to it. It’s not your choice to be alone. It’s the people around you. That’s the difference. But of course, most of the people here don’t understand that because they aren’t like me. Introverts are quiet people, people who like to listen rather than speak. Not that we don’t speak at all – that would be ridiculous. We enjoy peace and silence…and of course, a good book and may be even TV shows.  I know I do! Anyway, introverts don’t like to spend too much time outside. Again, another characteristic of mine. I used to pretend to be busy just so I could avoid going out with a few friends. Not that I never gave the effort of going out – I did, just not as much as other people do. Don’t judge me for that. I always go out of my comfort zone for them. Friendship is a two way street. A two-way street Kris. Remember that.

          I did it again didn’t I? I seem to be in a talkative mood today. Maybe because I have so much to tell you. Mumbai isn’t a bad place. I mean, I do hate it, but that’s because the city goes against my very nature. Mumbai isn’t Chennai. Chennai is a quiet and relaxing place. People there are modest and humble. If they’re rich, they certainly don’t think it’s cool to show it. And you have to be both good-looking and smart in order to be popular. Well, in my school at least, and that’s not a good point. Mumbai is the exact opposite. It’s noisy; it’s loud; the roads look dangerous beyond measure – every day I witness an accident (now I regret never learning how to drive. I think I’ll die here if I give it a try). Most of all, Mumbai is crowded and barren. Not even half the city is covered with trees and there is no beach. No beach! Sure, the sea is there, but it’s without a shore. I miss Marina Beach so much that I find myself looking out at the sea every evening. That’s one good thing about living here. I live close to the sea and the scene outside is utterly beautiful in the mornings.

          When I first came to Mumbai, I hated it. I still hate it now, but the feeling isn’t as strong as before. One of the main reasons I hated Mumbai was because of the aspect of finding new friends. If there’s one thing Mumbai and Chennai are stark contrasts of, it’s people. I’ve seen the movies and if people my age were anything like them in this city, then I was absolutely screwed. Add to this my inability to carry small talk, let alone approach strangers with a friendly smile. My dad enrolled me in a college that’s mostly populated by rich kids. I don’t consider my family rich. It’s just that my dad’s clients are pretty influential. He never talks about his work, so these are all vague assumptions. And when I figured out it’s a college filled with this kind of people, I could already feel my butterflies morph into full-fledged tornadoes in my stomach.

          I have to say, it’s those very rich people who have made this city bearable. Here, people are divided according to the money they have. Well, the money their parents have. Of course, there are those rare exceptions where you come across a group who don’t give a about how much dough comes out of your father’s bank account. And I happened to have stumbled into one. People are so different here, Kris. It’s unbelievable. And many of them have the same interests as me (except for music *sigh*). Dysfunctional families aren’t something that’s alien to them. Of course, they all come from happy families, but they know that not everyone around them is the same. It’s only been two weeks since I started studying here and I seem to have befriended the popular group. I know this because everyone knows them and I mean everyone. And they are always sought after by other people. Of course, just because I hang out with them doesn’t mean I’m popular. I’m much too quiet to draw anyone’s attention. If you want to be popular, you need to be an extrovert. Everyone here strives to be that. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing because you end up being extremely oblivious to the others. The smaller things in life. And that’s something I’m too afraid to lose. I think the first year is going to be very interesting.

          My parents fight less now. They still hate each other though. Sometimes I wonder if theirs was an arranged marriage because never have I seen them look at each other the way I’ve seen my friends’ parents. It’s a little disheartening, but I came to terms with it a long time ago. A very long time ago.

          My sister has finally started her Articleship. I’m so happy. I don’t think I would have been able bear seeing her depressed longer. She had almost lost all hope because no one thought she could pull it off. No one but me of course. Didi (that’s the oldest among us) is studying for her PG exams. She wants to get into a good college. I think she’s hoping to stay here. I know that’s impossible because the best medical colleges are back home, in Chennai. I think she’s scared to leave us alone. I think she’s scared to leave me alone because my other sister will be at work most of the day. I’m a little scared too, but I don’t want her to stop living because of me. It’s time I wade into the jungle as well. Maybe moving to Mumbai is a good thing. I’ll learn how to be independent. This is my chance to change for the better, to turn over a new leaf.

          I’m sorry for writing such a long letter Kris. I feel so narcissistic being the only one talking. Oh how amazing it would be to hear from you, Kris! I know you’re not allowed to. I know. I’m not a fool, Kris. I’m not.

          But, is it bad to hope for something foolish?

Sincerely,

AS

There were a lot of things in the letter that flew over Kris’s head. But this was the most normal he had heard from her. Well, if you consider three letters enough to gather an idea about a person. But the more Kris read, the more real she became. And the more real she became; the more he wanted to share.

Friendship is a two way street. A two-way street Kris. Remember that.

It was like entering a warm room that contained all of the answers you ever wanted.

His teammates will skin him alive for this.

But Kris wanted to do something foolish. He wanted to be a teenager, just this once. There were many times in his life that Kris had listened to his intuition during the most crucial moments of his life. And while the path to idolhood had begun to be the biggest mistake he had ever made, his gut told him that his next actions wouldn’t be.

His left hand fished out a notepad and a pen … that seemed write in pink, much to his irritation. Should he get up and rummage through his closet for one? Should he ask one of the others? Kris didn’t feel like getting up nor was he in the mood to talk to anyone. Things had not gone well the past few months. Everyone was now sure that EXO was being hounded by maniacal sasaengs – to a degree no one had ever seen or anticipated. And the company was doing nothing to control it. Of course, in the case of the Chinese members, circumstances differed drastically. They weren’t as famous in Korea as their Korean counterparts. But they did face a lot of hate disguised as snide racial remarks, grudging looks and frustrating inaction. And what had happened with Baekyun…

No. Now was not the time to ponder on such things.

Kris tapped the end of the pen against his chin, lost in thought. What should I write?

Kris was never good with words. He found it easier to speak rather than write. Yes, he was a man of few words, but her written ones were fewer still. The smooth pad on the pillow developed creases as Kris laid his head too hard on it in frustration. This was going to be hard.

But, is it bad to hope for something foolish?

Pen met paper as Kris’s head popped up and thought of one thing. It was one line, but to him, one line was enough for now. He’d make sure to slide this into the postbox in the wee hours of the next morning. He’d have to be careful though, especially with Luhan. Poor Kris hadn’t thought as far ahead as he should have. But as Kris re-read what he wrote and finished his letter with his name, he smiled in satisfaction.

20^th October 2014

Dear AS,

            No, it isn’t.

Sincerely,

Wu Yifan