Everyone wakes up in the morning with a smile on their face.

I find that amazing.

I mean, how does everyone seriously do that? When I get up, I get all cranky and toss and turn for about an hour. Once that's over, I still have to go and make my bento. 

Yesterday, I did realize about what I had been through. How much pain I had gone through, how much humiliation and agony I went through everyday.

My secret is what kept me from being happy. 

From smiling.

From laughing.

From doing whatever I wanted to do.

On that day, I vowed not to speak of IT again. It doesn't mean that it is a object, I just don't like to say even if it is a guy or a girl.

The sound of the name brings chills to the back of my spine.

Everynight I have nightmares. 

My parents have sent me to a therapist. Three, actually. None of them worked. Every single one ended up in failure, or they had given me a piece of paper suggesting another therapist. One had even sent me one to a insane aslyum. That was a shocker.

Sometimes my life is just so hard because of what had happened. I mean, I still have nightmares, even though it has been 7 years. 

Well, I have to move on sooner or later. Maybe just the cut is too deep. 

I've tried to cope with it by writing what I feel and just burning the paper, but that just made me feel worse and that ended up with me sticking my head into the toilet. Not good, I tell you.

So I did it my way. Just keeping it locked deep inside my heart, where no one can grab it, no one can go after it, and no one can try and unlock the key to it as there are too many locks and chains.

My mind drifts off into thinking about my pet panda, Boo. He's surprisingly pretty friendly and hangs around me as soon I enter the garden but won't leave my side unless I have given him the pat on the head and rub his ears. It's interesting because a lot of the pandas I have been with dislike being touched by the ears, yet he adores it so much and purrs like a cat being rubbed by the stomach.

Suddenly in a flash, someone grabs my waist and arms and pinns me, and naturally, I fling my leg backwards, intending to hit them on the you-know part, and grab their arm and hoist them over my shoulder, having the person land on their back, groaning with the pain they had experienced.

To my surprise, it was Hikaru-kun.

I wince slightly by the damage I had done.

"Are you okay? I'm really sorry I did that, it was just by reflex and I had learned self defense and judo when I was young so I always do that to anyone..." I say, apologizing.

Hikaru-kun chuckles under his breath. "Remind me to never surprise attack you." I laugh as well, but stop. I am insecure about my laugh. All of the girls nowadays have amazing laughs, that are cute and adorable. I have a laugh that comes from my stomach, and it is a bit deep.

It's not the pretty type of laugh that would ususally come from a girl.

Hikaru-kun asks me questioningly, "Why did you stop laughing?"

I answer shyly, "I am insecure about my laugh..." and Hikaru-kun begins to laugh he then pats me on the head.

"You have an amazing laugh that no one can copy. It's unique. It is not too deep, and not too high, like those girls now that are always in Harajuku. Their laughs are so high-pitched, it hurts my ears so much!" he exclaims, clutching his ears to prove his point. I laugh so much that I begin to clutch my stomach.

Sometimes I feel like it is a good reason to laugh because the way I laugh can make other people laugh, in which results to a bunch of people laughing their heads off.

"Nana-chan, do you want to juggle with me? It's fun and I love doing it in partners!" Hikaru-kun says excitedly. 

"OK! Wait, we need some juggling balls..." I say.

Hikaru-kun shows up in a few seconds with a bunch of juggling balls in his hands. There are pink ones and neon green ones and yellow and some amazing rainbow ones that I love so much!

"LETS DO THIS!!!!!!" Hikaru-kun shouts insanely, causing me to fall back in laughter. Unfortunately, I fell to far back, and I started to fall down.

I could hear Hikaru-kun's voice as I fell down the stairs. I close my eyes as I await for the impact.

Yet there is none.

I look up to see Yamad- I mean Ryo-kun's face up close. His eyes are closed, fortunately, but he opens them to see my face about 5cm away from his. He stands up, causing me to fall down a bit, but I get back up anyways.

"You need to be more careful! It could have resulted in a huge injury, and then you would have had to gone to the hospital!" Ryo-kun scolded me. 

I blush deep in embarassment. "Gomen, Ryo-kun."

He sighs. "Alright, but be careful! None of us want you to get hurt."

Wait, does that mean he doesn't want me hurt either...?

Before I could ask him, he turns and walks away, leaving me with Hikaru-kun, and a bunch of juggling balls rolling around on the floor.

Hikaru-kun quickly rushes to my aid as soon as Ryo-kun is gone. "Are you okay? Does it hurt anywhere? I'm so sorry Nana-chan I should have paid more attention!" He pouts guiltly. 

I just smile at him. He didn't do anything wrong, I just have to be careful of where I'm going, and then I can laugh as much as I want.

"It's okay, Hikaru-kun. It's not your fault. Now, let's go and do some juggling!!" I say enthusiastically, taking the juggling balls away from him and running to the living room, where all of the JUMP members are there, just fooling around.

I turn around to see Hikaru-kun grinning from ear to ear, running towards me, his arms out wide. He screams "I WILL GET YOOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!" in a creepy voice.

I just laugh and run away, cowering in fear. (note my sarcasm)

This is what I am supposed to feel like. This is happiness.

I just hope this can last. But it never does. It never will. Why?

Because nothing ever lasts forever.

(hey! that rhymes!)