“AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Kim Bum’s eyes widened in surprise as he was suddenly tackled to the floor by a flying body.

 

His eyes widened even further when he recognized the flying body. “Leeteuk-hyung?!”

 

“Phew… that was too close.” Leeteuk sighed, then gave Kim Bum a measuring look. “I only said to threaten her, but you looked like you were really about to kill her.”

 

Kim Bum gave him a sad look. “Leeteuk… you really don’t know me.”

 

“Oh? So you weren’t going to kill her?”

 

“What are you talking about? Of course I was. I still want to. Could you get off of me so I can continue what I was doing?”

 

Leeteuk’s face closely resembled that of a lemon’s. “I don’t think you’d want to do that.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because, if you kill her, you won’t be able to play with her anymore. And you’re not the instant gratification type of guy. ”

 

Kim Bum paused in thought. “You know… you might actually have a point there…”

 

Leeteuk was about to gloat when the two of them were distracted by more screaming. What they saw made their eyes bulge.

 

“Let him at me! LET HIM AT ME!”

 

“Oof! Yah! Yah! Calm down!” a panting Eunkyung was trying very hard to consolidate a firm grip on the struggling Soeun.

 

“NO! Let go, Eunkyung-unni! He was going to plunge his knife right into my heart!”

 

“Exactly.” Eunkyung was surprisingly good at stopping the flexible Soeun from getting past her. “He was going to kill you.”

 

“YES! THE ULTIMATE PAIN! GIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEE!”

 

“No, no.” Eunkyung said in a voice usually reserved for the mentally insane (which was technically what Soeun was by now). “Soeun… listen.”

 

“GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEE– AHHHHHHHHHHHH! OW OW OW OW!”

 

Kim Bum and Leeteuk (and a whole lot of other random members of public) watched in disbelief as Eunkyung started pinching Soeun.

 

They were even more stumped at Soeun’s moan of delight.

 

And when Eunkyung finally stopped, Soeun stared at her Unni with the expression of someone who never knew the taste of French fries and had suddenly tasted one.

 

“Ahhh… Thank goodness that stopped you.” Eunkyung panted, but still held onto Soeun just in case.

 

“Eunkyung-unni! I didn’t know you could pinch like that!”

 

“Well, I–”

 

“Do it again!”

 

“Only if you swear not to try to get Kim Bum to kill you again.”

 

“No! But pinch me anyway!”

 

“Listen, if you kill yourself, that’s the end. You’ll never be able to feel pain again. And what did I say about instant gratification?”

 

“That… you’ll pinch me?” Soeun said hopefully but sighed at Eunkyung’s raised eyebrow. “That it wouldn’t satisfy me in the end. And that long-drawn suffering is ultimately more painful.”

 

“So, you won’t try to get yourself killed?”

 

“… Fine, but only if you pinch me.”

 

“… Oh, alright.”

 

“Ah! Owowowowowow! OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH! HELL, YEAH!”

 

Kim Bum turned to the gaping Leeteuk. “You have a lot of explaining to do.”

 

~*~

 

The four had moved from the zoo to a café outside the zoo, hidden in a very inconspicuous corner.

 

It was necessary. The paparazzi were sorta after them.

 

“Wait, wait. Back-track.” Kim Bum seemed entirely confounded. “You two set us up?”

 

Soeun didn’t say anything. She was, literally, speechless.

 

“Er… yeah… kind of.” Leeteuk answered sheepishly. “It… just kind of happened.”

 

“How?” Kim Bum asked pointedly. Soeun dumbly nodded.

 

“Well… I met Eunkyung at this… seminar thing.” Leeteuk started, squirming under Kim Bum’s fierce stare.

 

“Leeteuk and me,” Eunkyung finally interjected, tiring of Leeteuk’s ‘hemming and hawing’. “Met at this conference my company arranged in order to help us script-writers understand the human psyche better. Leeteuk and I just happened to be paired up.”

 

“And so you started blabbing about me?” Soeun finally found her voice again. “But, unni! You promised!”

 

“I did, and I didn’t. Blab that is. It was Leeteuk who started talking about Kim Bum-sshi.”

 

At that Kim Bum gave Leeteuk a curious look. Well, it was a curious look to Kim Bum, but it looked more like a murderous glare to Leeteuk.

 

“Nothing was said about releasing information in the contract I signed with your parents! I swear! I checked thoroughly before I said anything!” Leeteuk squealed.

 

The three blinked and stared at him.

 

“… He sounded… remarkably like a pig.” Eunkyung commented, before returning to her story. “Anyway, he started talking about this patient of his with sadistic tendencies, who is of course, Kim Bum-sshi. The more he talked, the more I thought ‘Hey, this guy… really suits Soeun.’ It was only then that I started sharing about you, but only because I’m your friend and I was doing you a favour.”

 

“So… I’m back to my point.” Kim Bum stated calmly. “You set us up.”

 

“Yes, that was never contested.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Wait, wait.” Soeun interjected, still obviously bemused. “What made you think that we would be perfect together?”

 

Kim Bum nodded. “That was my next question.”

 

Eunkyung and Leeteuk exchanged a look.

 

“Firstly,” Leeteuk started. “One’s a sadist. The other’s a masochist. If that’s not the perfect pairing, I don’t know what is.”

 

“Secondly,” Eunkyung continued. “I only said that you would ‘suit’ each other. Never said you were ‘perfect together’.”

 

“But…” the two ‘perfect together’ people were still skeptical. “We just met.”

 

Leeteuk rolled his eyes. “Oh, please. Your thoughts would speak for themselves. Kim Bum!”

 

“Yes?”

 

“I’m willing to bet I can guess what you were thinking just before you were about to plunge your knife. It could have been ‘Oh, if only she was in a silk red dress before I did this’.”

 

Kim Bum’s eyes widened.

 

“Or ‘Ohhhh… she’s heavenly. It’ll be just beautiful to see her stained red!’”

 

Kim Bum’s eyes upgraded to cup saucers.

 

“Or even just ‘OHHHHHH MYYYY GODDDDDDD! SMEXY!’ Am I right?”

 

Kim Bum’s eyes were now dinner plates. Presumably that meant Leeteuk was pretty close to the truth.

 

Eunkyung snorted. “I don’t even need to guess. I KNOW what went through Soeun’s mind.”

 

“What?”

 

“Oh, give it to me! Give it to me! Give it to me! Me! Me! ME! MEMEMEMEME! GIMMEEEEEEEEE! - I’m right, aren’t I? Of course I am.”

 

Soeun was now a marvellous shade of fuchsia.

 

In fact it was so marvellous that a when a designer happened to walk by, he was so taken with it he decided to make it the colour of the month.

 

“I think that pretty much settles it, don’t you Leeteuk-oppa?” Eunkyung said smugly.

 

“Of course I do.” Leeteuk replied, equally smugly. “But we still have work to do.”

 

“Right.” Eunkyung got up with a sigh and then pulled the stunned Kim Bum along with her. “Come on, Kim Bum-sshi. Let’s have a little talk.”

 

“Huh?” Kim Bum looked entirely confused.

 

“Eh? Eunkyung-unni, wait!” Soeun got up to follow them but was stopped by Leeteuk.

 

“Oh, no. You’re not going anywhere. Let’s have a little chat...”

 

~*~

 

“Kim Bum is actually very sensitive in these three areas, here, here and here.”

 

Soeun blinked then pointed at her armpit. “Here.”

 

Her neck, “Here.”

 

And then at an unmentionable part. “And here?”

 

Leeteuk shook his head, pointing at a different part of the unmentionable part. “No, no! Here!”

 

… Seriously, what are you guys thinking? It’s the leg!

 

“Oh… here…” Soeun frowned at her ankle. “That’s a strange place to be sensitive at.”

 

“He’s a strange guy.” Leeteuk said dryly. “Anyway, there’s one more really important thing you have to know.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“For some odd reason or another, when you shout “Kiss me!” at him, he’ll slap you.”

 

“Eh?”

 

“It’s an unconscious reaction. I don’t know why it happens. There’s probably a reason or story behind it, but he won’t tell me–”

 

“Er, no. I meant, how do you know that?”

 

“Huh? Oh, I’ve seen him do it to other girls before.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“You seem disappointed… Don’t tell me it’s because you thought I… with Kim Bum? Ew… No, no. You and him are supposed to have that kind of relationship. ONLY the two of you.”

 

“Well, if that WAS the case, then it’d be a lot more painful for me. And not to mention that you ARE prettier than most girls.”

 

“Argh… Now I know why Eunkyung insisted that you were the scarier one out of the two. I’m beginning to agree with her.”

 

“Oh, really? Yay!”

 

“… That’s not exactly something to be happy about.”

 

“I know! That makes it all the more exciting!”

 

“…”

 

~*~

 

“You must be careful not to kill her. She doesn’t know her limits. And I’ve seen her close to death so many times without her realizing it.”

 

“Umm…”

 

“And she'll seem to be cheating on you a lot, but that's actually just her way of getting her daily dose of emotional pain.”

 

Kim Bum paused. “So if I make her suffer more, she won't cheat on me so much?”

 

Eunkyung nodded. “Yes. Smart boy.”

 

“You do realize that's actually contradictory.”

 

Eunkyung smirked, “When has love never been contradictory?”

 

“Hmm… ... Good point.”

 

~*~

 

The four had convened outside the café. It was pretty safe now that Kim Bum paid the paparazzi off.

 

A lot of people were going to an expensive restaurant that night.

 

“There.” Eunkyung patted Soeun on the head. “I’m giving him back to you now.”

 

“Take care of him okay!” Leeteuk called as Eunkyung pulled him away. “Make sure he doesn’t get arrested!”

 

Leeteuk yelped as Eunkyung slapped him hard on the arm.

 

The two watched the other two leave.

 

Soeun turned curiously to Kim Bum. “Do you think those two…?”

 

Kim Bum was thinking about the same thing. “Surely not…”

 

“Mmm… Well, it might work… but they might kill each other too.”

 

“That’s true… Well, if we– Hell why do we care anyway?”

 

Kim Bum pulled Soeun towards him. Staring into her sweet brown eyes. And she into his mysterious black ones.

 

They kissed…

 

…as they should in cliché, overused romance plots that plague the movie, book and fanfiction industry.

 

And as in conjunction with that, romantic music sung by 13 pretty boys should play in the background.

 

“널 사랑한단 말해도 천번만번 말해도
내 가슴 속 다 불 타고 마른 입술 닳도록
[규현] 나 다시 태어난 대도 오직 너 뿐이너라고
(띠똑띠똑) 시간이 흘러도, 오 난–”

“Switch off that noisy box of yours, girl! Your mama’s trying to sleep!”

 

“Aw, but Mom!”

 

The two didn’t care. They continued kissing.

 

And kissing.

 

… and kissing.

 

Suddenly, Soeun wretched herself away from Kim Bum.

 

The latter blinked in surprise at the sudden lack of the former’s other kissing organ on his own. “What’s the matter?”

 

“It’s just that I thought Leeteuk-oppa said that you weren’t into physical torture anymore.”

 

“Eh?”

 

“My upper lip is very obviously swollen from where you’ve been biting it.”

 

“Oh. Oh yeah it is.” Kim Bum examined the said lip. “Probably an unconscious reaction.”

 

“Hmm… aren’t you going to apologize?” Soeun poked him playfully.

 

“What for? You can obviously stand it.”

 

“Why do you say that?”

 

“A flower pot just fell onto your head and you didn’t even notice.”

 

Soeun looked down at where Kim Bum was pointing at a shattered flower pot and then winced as he touched the tender spot where it had hit. “Oh. I’m even bleeding. Wow. I really didn’t notice.”

 

“Thus, substantiating my statement.”

 

“Uhuh. Anyway, since that’s settled. Kiss me again. And bite harder this time.”

 

“But you’re bleeding.”

 

“So? Kiss me!”

 

Smack!

 

“Oh , Soeun, you okay?” Kim Bum picked Soeun up from where she had fallen, clutching where he had smacked her reflectively. “I’m so sorry… Soeun? Why are you looking at me like that?”

 

“Omo! That was even more painful than Haneul’s smacks! Do it again!”

 

“No!”

 

“And you call yourself a sadist! Smack me again! That or KISS ME!”

 

SMACK!

 

“Ack. Stupid reflex reaction.” Kim Bum cursed himself, picking up the fallen Soeun again.

 

Soeun, however, was enjoying it. “Cool! That was even harder than the first one! Again! Again! And this time whack where the flower pot fell!”

 

“Soeun!” Kim Bum was starting to get worried. Soeun seemed to be able to stand all the pain, but he remembered Eunkyung’s warning.

 

And he really did want her to stay alive for a longer time than the next 5 minutes.

 

He still needed to put her through the ultimate torture after all – having babies.

 

“How about I tickle you instead?”

 

“Tickle? Oh, no. I can’t stand tickling.”

 

“Really… then all the more I should.”

 

“Hieee?! No! No! STOP!!!!!!!!!”

 

~*~

 

And so, they lived happily ever after.

 

“KIM BUM STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

Literally.

 

THE END.

 

~*~