Goodbye
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It was now or never, I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. I‘m ready…
With trembling fingers, I slowly twist the knob, opening the door in front of me. What welcome me was something foreign but somehow very familiar as if it was a piece of me that I had buried years ago. The smells. The sounds. I feel my senses awakening for the first time.
Feeling tiny kisses of warmth on my eyelids, I open my eyes. The world is turning again, the wind is blowing, the trees are dancing and the birds are singing again.
For the first time in forever, I smile, but it quickly vanish as the world began to get blurry once more. Looking at the reflection of the girl in the glass, I watch as her eyes fill with tears. No. I mustn’t waver. With one hand on the frame I took a step out for the first time, past the borders of my comfort zone and felt my whole body start quivering. It’s time leave home…
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It was our fifth anniversary and unlike every year we decided to do something extra special this year. After an hour long conversation with my friend on the phone, I quickly hung up and decided to get ready. Shower first, clothes, hair, makeup, the list went on and I felt myself smiling and humming a random tune, like a fool. I glanced at the clock for the fifth time now and saw that it was twenty-nine past seven. One more minute to go.
As a way of distracting myself from the feeling of tiny butterflies in my stomach, I resolved to adding any last minute touch ups on my makeup. There. Everything was nearly perfect except for…
Reading the wall clock one more time, I felt my forehead crease.
The time read 7.29 P.M.
Just then the sound of the phone ringing sliced the deathlike stillness. For some unknown reason I felt my heart start hammering against my ribs then relax as I realised it was only Him. Kyungsoo oppa.
What happened next would forever be etched in my memory.
“Is this Miss Angel Parks speaking? I’m sorry to inform you but the owner of this phone has been involved in a motor accident.” Silence. “He…he didn’t make it, Miss. I’m sorry for your loss.”
Time seemed to flow like cement at that moment and I felt my clammy fingers slowly release the phone, hearing the soft thud on the wooden floor. Finally, a harsh sob shatters the still air and I felt my knees buckle giving in to my weight. No. I felt something crumple then break deep inside of me. Crushed, destroyed, hurt beyond repair. An overwhelming ache in my chest and a burning searing pain at the back of my throat.
This cannot be happening. Oh God, no. No. No!
But the words kept replaying again and again in my head. He’s gone. He’s dead.
Memories of him played in my head. His goofy grin. His curious doe-like eyes. His innocent face. His feathery kisses. His love. Faster and faster. Please no. My chest shuddered with muffled sobs until finally surrendering and feeling tears, hot and heavy, stain my cheeks like drops of rain. God I loved so much that it hurts.
Suddenly I felt tired. So terribly tired and felt myself succumb to the darkness that’s dulling my senses. Yes…Don’t think about it. As long as I don’t think or feel anything, I’ll be fine. I am fine. But I was dreadfully wrong
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“Oppa sing for me please!” I pouted knowing he couldn’t resist my aegyo. His eyes twitched a little before sighing and giving me a soft smile.
“Arreso but please stop doing that! It makes me want to do weird things to you!” he blushed, looking away.
I laughed at him before snuggling my head comfortably on his shoulder.
After a few moments he opened his mouth and produced beautiful crystal clear notes that seemed to swirl and twirl around me, wrapping me in a warm embrace.
When at last the final notes began to fade away in the dark night sky, only then did I opened my eyes again.
“Oppa…saranghae…” I whispered, not daring to look at him. It was the first time I ever uttered those three words and was afraid of his reaction.
However, he surprised me by picking me up and swinging me around in his arm.
“It took you long enough!” he chuckled. Without warning, his lips pressed against mines, enticing my lips to move with his. I could feel a small smile playing at the corner of his lips.
“I love you Angel.” he breathed out after we pulled apart. “I love you…forever….”
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Days which turned into weeks then months and finally a year passed by without him by my side. During that time I learnt the skill of crying without tears. Just like breathing, crying came out to me, more natural than laughing. Sadness, sorrow and pain, became my home and no matter how much I try to step out that door, I end up crying. Always returning home.
My parents dragged me to every shrink and doctor, thinking they can cure me. Or mainly just to escape the embarrassment of being known as the parents who’s daughter tried to commit suicide. Yes, I’m suffering from depression. Me. The person who thought she had it all. Even my so called “friends” abandoned me. I mean why wouldn’t they? I’m nothing. Even I hate myself. The empty shell that I’ve become.
But the more they try to “help” the more I fall deeper into the quicksand of despair. It was too late. I had fallen too deep. Just like Alice in that hole, no one can help me now. I had already forgotten how to live. How to please the thoughts and demand of the world, the time and the people.
At the end of the day even crying is futile. Nothing can relieve this pain. Not crying, screaming, laughing, praying. Nothing can change the past. Nothing can bring him back. The dead forever remain dead. And this is something I must accept, even if, like acid on metal, it is corroding me slowly inside.
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Feeling the harsh wind yanking my hair, I stifled a sob. The time has come. I have to end this. Throwing my shoes aside, I grabbed tightly unto the frame and climbed unto the window ledge. A sob escapes my lips before I could stop it. I’m so afraid. So very afraid. God I don’t want to die!…I just want the pain to stop. No. I have to do this. It’s time to set myself free.
Angel…
“Oppa?” I whispered, looking frantically around.
Baby don’t…
Tears flowed endlessly down my cheeks once again.
“Stop it oppa, I’m coming to meet you! Aren’t you happy? Didn’t you say you’ll love me forever?” I cried out frustratingly
I do Angel…I do. But please don’t…
My heart ached terribly as I heard him break down and cry. I wanted nothing but to comfort him.
“Oppa why are you torturing me like this? Don’t cry, we’ll be re-united again. Just wait oppa. I’m coming….”
Wait Angel no!
Gasping as more fresh tears threaten to fall, I closed my eyes and step out into nothingness.
Goodbye…
“Angel!”
My eyes flew wide open, just in time to see Kyungsoo oppa desperately trying to reach me and pull me back up.
Oppa?…He’s alive?…
“Oppa!” I screamed, thrashing my arms around in order to reach him, but the distance was only growing between us.
“No goddammit Angel don’t leave me!” he yelled slicing the air between us.
This time the music that filled my ears wasn’t soft and gentle like oppa’s. It was so much more threatening and stronger now, rising into a fearful crescendo, suffocating me and the life out of me. Time seems to be suspended. But no matter how loud the music was, I could only focus on his tear stained and weary face. The face I grew to love and what made this world seem bearable again.
Suddenly the music stopped.
Oppa…miahne…
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[No ones’s POV]
“Hey did you see that boy over there?”
“The emotionless one? Yeah, why?”
“Did you hear what happened to him? His girlfriend committed suicide last week.”
“That explains it. Poor thing.”
“That’s not even half of it. Her girlfriend got into a car accident a year ago. She survived, yes, but she also became mentally unstable afterwards. She kept believing her boyfriend got into the accident, not her, and that he passed away. You should’ve seen her. She kept crying to herself all the time until finally, she stopped altogether.”
“Eh? What about her boyfriend? How did he take it?”
“Devastated of course. But no matter how much he tried, the girl just keep insisting that her boyfriend‘s dead. What’s worse was she died a year after their anniversary. He was even planning on proposing to her. Poor thing…”
“Eh? But I heard that she was pregnant.”
“Yeah, he was supposed to the father. She never got to tell him...”
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Okay I admit, that was a horrible rushed ending! Please forgive me! I'm supposed to be sleeping right now anyways, but I'll just finished this quickly.
Well...I don't know what else to say but...sorry, I guess...(?)
Please give me another chance! I'll try better next time! Promise!
Okay...I'm going to go now! Please leave comments below to give me advice on how to improve or just what you thought about it.
'kay, anyeong!
Super_SHINEe13 :3
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