Along With The Rain

“She looks so…happy.”

The girl looks on, struggling to keep the smile intact, even if that smile is fake, even if it’s a mangled mess that resembles nothing of a smile. But it doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

Because Tiffany doesn’t notice.

She falls back, her face hidden in the dark. They are laughing, and at what, she will never know. It seems that she is unable to make Tiffany laugh that way anymore.

“She has never laughed like that with me before.”

She’s not sure who she’s talking to. But it’s possibly to the curtains drawn slightly before her, and the metal poles rusting in the corner. They give her, oddly, some form of comfort, if any inanimate object will. She grasps her costume tightly, undoing the corset rings. She needs to breathe.

Her fingers tug at the frills of the costume, feeling utterly suffocated. Her blonde hair is sweaty as she runs her fingers through it, undoing the clumps that have stuck together. The farewell and thank you stage seems to progress fine without her. The other members have slung their arms around each other, laughing and blowing kisses into the crowd.

She’s sweating, but it feels cold.

Her breath is choppy, like she’s trying too hard to breathe normally. She’s a coward, she knows. Her feet inch towards the light beyond the curtains, heels dragged forward as she decides.

But she can’t be so selfish.

Reaching down, she undoes the straps around her ankles and aligns her heels to one side, breathing heavily as she feels the cold stage underneath her feet. She can hear fans shouting out names, and occasionally, she hears it.

Taeny.

“There you are!” fingers wrap around her wrist and she is hauled out back onto the stage, dragged from the comforts of the curtains.

She feels so bare, so transparent. And she feels eyes on her, searching into her, piecing her in ways she doesn’t want to be. She’s just fidgeting in the corner, finally swaying her hands. She smiles, widely, though it hurts her cheeks. And keeps on smiling.

“Why are you bright all of a sudden?” Sunny slaps her on the back.

“I’m just happy.”

Sunny laughs and reaches out to hook her arm with Jessica’s. She listens to Sunny’s laughter closely, thinking that probably she will hear some pain in that strained voice. Or maybe heartbreak.

“Yeah, shouldn’t you be? It’s a concert, after all.”

But they have so many of them that it’s hard to feel happy and excited for one at all. She has practically lived in the waiting rooms and bathed in the toilets. She nods to keep things simple.

“Come on,” Sunny forces her away further onto the stage, where fans reach out desperately to them.

The fans cheer louder, and chants begin to possess audacity, but Jessica’s heart sinks lower and lower. It doesn’t seem possible to feel any crappier then.

But she’s proven wrong most of the time.

Tiffany’s lips press against the elder’s and they blush, holding on to their cheeks until the crimson has faded away. Her smile wavers a little, and her heart chips a little more.

Some time ago, Jessica would have been okay with second best. And she would have accepted the fact that Tiffany will never love as her as she loves Taeyeon.

But it has all become too real for her liking.

#######

The concert is over long ago. Hours ago. And it’s now late, driving back to their dorms. She’s quiet, and skate her fingers across the window, her nails following the paths the raindrops had taken. Then she feels a nudge to her shoulder.

“What’re you looking at?” Jessica cringes.

Late at night, Tiffany’s voice has no alterations to volume.

“The raindrops,” she answers softly.

“Hmm? Why?”

“Because I’d like to know.”

“Know what, Jess?”

“Why the sky is crying.”

#######

She only hears the slamming of doors as she returns to the dorm after having coffee with her friends. Grabbing the nearest member, she is told why the hinges of the doors seem like flying off at any moment.

They had an argument.

“I only heard some things. They were screaming and SeoHyun had to force them to stop,” Hyoyeon says, shaking off the tension.

“Are…are they okay?”

“They’ll be fine. Soon. They always make up in the end.”

Jessica nods and swallows, the bitter taste of coffee still on her lips. “Don’t they always?”

Hyoyeon murmurs her agreement, then falls back onto the couch, sighing at the soft cushions at her back. She switches the television on, and at two in the morning, turns on the volume loud enough to push the sobbing away. Sleep has left her, and, now drained, watches repeats of old dramas.

Jessica frowns at the blaring screen, then shrugs her coat off, dropping it by Tiffany’s door. Her knuckles rap on her door, and she shifts on her feet, reading and re-reading the wooden initials. She spells Tiffany’s name quietly, under her breath.

“I’m fine. Stop knocking!” comes the exhausted, thick reply.

“Let me in.”

It’s silent behind the door, despite the sniffing and hiccupping from subsided tears. Finally, Jessica is granted her entry and steps over the pile of tissues in the corner. Tiffany returns to her position back on the bed, facing the other side as she curls up in her blanket. Jessica sits on the bed, her waist against Tiffany’s back.

“What was it about?”

“What?”

“The argument.”

“There wasn’t an argument.”

“Wasn’t there?”

“No,” Tiffany refuses blatantly.

“You’re sleeping alone.”

She’s not here, sleeping with you.

“I needed space. The blanket’s shrinking,” she says. “Where did you go?”

“I went for coffee.”

“Can we go for coffee?”

“Sure, of course.”

“Let’s go tomorrow.”

“I’ll buy you the usual,” Jessica offers, listening to Tiffany’s voice lighten.

“You’d do that for me?”

“I’d do anything for you.”

#######

She doesn’t remember.

The two had reconciled that night, after Taeyeon had slipped into Tiffany’s room and Hyoyeon had turned up the volume louder. They’re fine now, as Jessica watches pathetically from the door.

“Where’re you going, Sica?” Yoona asks. “It’s raining.”

Jessica’s hands tighten around the green umbrella, smiling faintly. “I’m going for coffee, Yoong.”

“Alone? In this weather?”

She nods, searching for her initials on her pair of flats before slipping them on.

“Would you like me to come with you?” Yoona is about to reach for her wallet, when Jessica’s smile widens slightly.

“No, I’m fine,” she shakes her head, “I needed to know anyway.”

“Know what, unnie?”

“Why the sky is crying.”

#######