Luhan and I were sitting at the hospital garden, happily eating ice cream. I anxiously nudged Luhan. “Yah, I’m pretty sure you can’t eat ice cream.” He his ice cream cone and smiled at me adorably. “No one has to know, Jiyoung.” I felt worried but tried to dismiss it.

“So, what did you do today?”

“The doctor ran me through a bunch of tests and I had a lot of needles stuck into me today.”

“What did he say?”

“He said that I can probably last for a few more years, if I go for chemotherapy.”

“Luhan, do it.”

“…. I don’t want to be all weak and lose all my hair. I-I’m scared.”

“Luhan…”

“Don’t worry, Jiyoung. I’ll pull through. I’ll make a miraculous recovery, you’ll see.” He beamed at me and I tried to smile back, but I suddenly started crying again. He furrowed his brow and pulled me to him. He was still weak from all the blood tests but he managed to hold me in his arms. “Don’t cry, Jiyoung. Please. You know how much I hate it when you cry.”

“WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? You refuse to go for chemotherapy and at this rate, y-you’ll….”

“I’ll what? Say it.”

I looked up at him. “You’ll die and I’ll be all alone again.”

He kept quiet as he continued holding me in his arms. It was so silent, I wanted to look up again and see what he was doing but just then, I felt hot tears drop onto my head. I froze. Luhan was crying… I remained quietly in his arms as the hot tears continued to cascade. Every single tear of his tore my heart apart.

He hugged me tighter and mumbled “I don’t know what to do.”

I shot up awake, trembling and crying. The bedspread wrapped around me and I felt like I was going to suffocate.

Every night, for the past two years, a fresh memory would come back and haunt me. It would successfully lure me awake and when I am most vulnerable, the memory would feel like it was forever embedded into my flesh and soul, and I would burn alive.

I got out of bed and wore a black shirt and shorts. I walked out of the apartment and sat by the streets, quietly watching the people pass by me. It was 2am in the morning, so the city was already quiet, but a small amount of people still passed by me from time to time.

I stared blankly into space; my eyes were hollow and lifeless.

I thought back to earlier tonight, when he told me to call him Han, and both of us couldn’t stop smiling. We continued talking for a few hours, and then he left. Before he left, he stopped at the front door and turned to look at me.

“Jiyoung…”

I looked up. “Yes?”

“Try to live again. Try to be happy.”

“.......”

Han told me to try to live again, but how could I do that when I was filled with grief? Even when I try to forget, a memory of Luhan comes crashing back in, and I dissolve into a crying wreck. I had lost count of how many times I woke up in the middle of the night, just to cry.

I looked up at the moon and the super bright star that seemed to have been glowing there at the exact same spot for the past two years.

Could I really manage to be happy again? Could I actually… forget?

I looked at that super bright star and I knew the answer from that very moment.

No, I would never be able to forget Luhan, but maybe, just maybe, I could be happy again.

Han’s face flashed into my mind.