tao is an idol. tao has a busy life and struggles to live through trainings, wushu, interviews, concerts and crazy (mental?) fangirls who like writing rated fanfictions about him and kris. or him and baekhyun. he just wants to forget the only two fanfictions he has ever read and anyway, this doesn't matter.

despite all the things mentioned before, tao likes his life. he likes singing, dancing and performing on stage and he never gets bored with the other members always around. he thinks they really make a nice family. if he doesn't consider lay's absurd stories about aliens invading their dorms, well, yeah, they are a nice family.

but today there's something bothering him. it's actually been bothering him for a while now so he decides this is the perfect situation to ask his almighty hyung, baekhyun.

"hyung, do you have time to get laid?", tao says nonchalantly during breakfast. baekhyun stops chewing and looks at the younger boy sleepily, his eyes almost disappearing in another dimension because they're just that small when he doesn't wear his beloved eyeliner.

"what," beakhyun says, his chewed biscuit landing everywhere, even on one of tao's slices of apple. tao moves the victim aside and asks again, staring directly at his hyung.
baekhyun takes some time to register the question in his head.

"well... yeah, sure, i do. why are you asking?"

"because i don't. wushu, training, airport, tv shows, yixing hyung blabbering, airport... how can i have time for that kind of stuff?" tao sighs heavily, boring holes in the poor apple with the fork.

"i don't think that's a problem," baekhyun ponders, thumb and index finger pinching his chin in a kind of intellectual way. "your wushu training's not essential, right? it won't affect─"



"to the left! THE LEFT! OH MY GOD, JUST. JUST LOOK TO THE LEFT, HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT ING MAP!"



an awkward silent fills the room. tao's slowly killing the apple.


"─it won't affect your skills if you take a day off to do something different─"


"DAMN, YOU HAVE TO USE THE COMPASS! USE THE COMPASS, DORA! WHY ARE YOU SO STU─"


"CHANYEOL, WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP?!"



ok, the problem is more or less solved. now he has to think how to make a change in his life.








baekhyun ends up introducing tao to one of his friends, this really short, curvy girl with big doe eyes. she has long, black hair and a high pitched voice and she talks and talks and talks and oh my god, oppa! you're my favourite exo member, i can't believe i'm going to the park with you!

and

you're so tall but you look so cute! baekhyun oppa was right!

and
 
i love shopping and gucci!


and tao gives up, that's enough (i'm not going to share gucci with this freak).




he feels the urge to kill baekhyun. too bad he's a too kind and loving boy and not the bloody killer everyone thinks he is, so for this time he'll let it pass. just the thought of that girl debilitates him too much and i can't believe i would listen to thousands of yixing ge's stories rather than going out with that girl again.
tao freaks out when a hand touches his hip. who the heck steps in the shower with him? especially when he's so busy on drowning in his worries.

"hey baby panda, how was your day today?"

this can't be his life.

"yixing ge, why are you─ ok nevermind. hello. it's been a crappy day and i'm not a panda. what about yours?" tao steps backward to make some space for lay under the water but lay turns the boy around to massage his stiff shoulders instead. well, ok, tao must admit it feels good.

"i had a really strange dream this afternoon when i was sleeping."

there he goes.

"there were those really huge kiwis standing in front of me and they looked so delicious. i really wanted to eat even just one of them, y'know. but then i realized they were so hairy... kiwis are hairy. and i thought 'what can i do?'"

what. the actual. .

"did you ever notice kiwis are hairy?"

if there's a way to fly out the global atmosphere to reach the moon, mars, pluto or to introduce himself to the cassiopeia constellation, tao would surely do it. right away. and wet.
instead he mentally slaps himself, resists the urge to bang his head on the wall and remains on planet earth to finish showering.

"i guess... but what's the problem? coconuts are hairy too."

no. just, no. this is not what tao wanted to say. he's not going to become insane, he's the only normal person in that dorm, he's not going to lose the last holy bit of sanity left, he's not. he is not.

"have you tried talking to wu fan ge about it? he's wiser than me he would totally help you out─"

"OH MY GOD, COCONUTS. COCONUTS TOO. FRIGGING COCONUTS, TAOZI."

tao's going to sew his mouth shut the next time a topic like this pops up. to mantain the state of peace of the world. or just his mind. he's going to leave the shower in three, two, one...

"yo guys, do you need me? and why is it so cramped in here, are you having a party?"

the younger tries to leave but bumps in lay's shoulder and trample on his foot and that looks like such a dramatic scene, he sees his own life passing in front of his eyes, his first wushu training, his first crush and wow, i didn't remember wu fan ge with long and black hair. his life is ending here, it's such a pity, he's still so young, why, why, why─ but then a hand catches him by his forearm, pulling him on his feet again. kris' hand.

well, it's been an interesting experience.

"zitao, are you drunk?" kris chuckles and pulls tao closer to sniff at his breath.

everyone's is ing crazy and tao's sure he's being infected because he's flushing and he feels the tips of his ears burning when kris leans closer and closer.
he stomps out the shower (finally) while saying in a not so suave way "I'M NOT DRUNK, GE, I'M ING ABSTEMIOUS." he wraps a towel around his hips and slams the door behind himself.

god, why is the towel pink?


and... wait. what is this .


why am i having a hard on?