Rather than Key carrying the kid, it was me who carried Jongyeon to the company. Jongyeon was a smart kid, he sensed something had happened. We got down from the van and headed towards the main door.

“Jonghyun ahjusshi, will everything be alright?” his timid voice, I guess he was frightened by the stiff atmosphere we had. He was fidgeting with his fingers. I ruffled his hair.

“Don’t worry. Everything will be alright. With Jonghyun ahjusshi here, nothing will go wrong.” His little face brightens up, carrying a gleeful smile on his face.

“Thank you Jonghyun ahjusshi!” His little arms wrapped around my neck.

The secretary stopped us, telling us to keep the kid outside before we go in. I placed Jongyeon down and Kibum knelt down.

“Jongyeon, be a good boy and stay outside. Promise?” Kibum showed his pinky finger and Jongyeon held Kibum’s pinky finger with his own. Their relationship is really close. Kibum must have raised him as if it was his flesh and blood.

“Promise!” Kibum then planted a kiss on the little fellow’s forehead and headed in with us.

The five of us gathered around the only office desk in the room. I show Key’s hand shaking under the table, not within the manger’s sight. I grabbed his hand with mine, squeezing his cold hand a little. He then looked in my eyes, his eyes were full or fear and uneasiness.

Was he worried that they might take Jongyeon away?

“Who idea was it to bring that kid there?” Manager was looking at Kibum, thinking that he was responsible for it.

“It’s me. I don’t think it was safe to leave a kid home alone. Furthermore, he wasn’t used to living in Korea.” Jinki and Kibum was shocked that I said it was me. Manager hyung also looked at be unbelievingly.

“I was expecting a more responsible act from you Jonghyun. Anyway, I dealt with the press by saying that kid was Kibum’s little cousin who is exceptionally close to you all. I hope that the stories coming out from all of your mouth would be the same. Is that clear?” His tone was firm. Everyone nodded. Rather than asking as if we were okay with the story, he was telling his final decision and wanted us to remember it.

He didn’t really reprimand us, it wasn’t that bad.

“Anyway, since all of you had already come back to Korea. It means a comeback for SHINee. Therefore, all of you have to start recording songs and film for the upcoming album. Everything will start after this week. I wished that all of you would be prepared for it.” Key looked relieved as manager hyung didn’t ask Jongyeon to go. After all Jongyeon was Kibum’s son, I don’t think he would be that heartless to break them up.

“This would be also your last album. The management has decided to focus on the new debut groups. Except for Jonghyun and Jinki. Others are free to choose their own schedule. I have finished what I needed to say, you may go now.” He dismissed us. What? Does that means SHINee will disband?

With the atmosphere lighten around the house, it felt much easier to breathe. Jongyeon was playing with the maknae while Minho who was sitting at the side laughing at their pouting contest.

“Hyung, I’m cuter right?” Taemin then puffed up his cheeks as Jongyeon did the same. Minho would only ruffle his lover’s hair and not reply anything. This was what I call a smart way to reply.

“How’s your life in other country? Didn’t you said that you gotten married two years ago?” Minho nodded.

“Yeah, even though we just say our vowel in a church with a pastor and exchange rings. I guess that counted as marriage to us.” There was a blissful smile on Minho’s face, it was rare for the him to show his emotion like that. I managed to see the ring on his ring finger. How nice it is to get married with someone you love despite the world’s rejection towards gay marriage. How I wished, Key and I could do something like that too.

“Did you take any wedding photos?” Kibum suddenly asked. Minho thought about it and shook his head.

“We wanted to keep it simple, so it’s just a wedding ceremony.” It’s true. What if the photos were to leak out or they were blackmailed by the photographer? It wouldn’t be nice. What Minho did was right even though it may seem like a waste. Having to only keep their most memorable memory in their heart, at least it’s still a memory.

“Too bad we weren’t there at your wedding.” I commented. Wouldn’t it feel rather depressing to have no one there?

“Jinki hyung was there at least.” I shot a glare at Jinki hyung, he was the one who told me they got married, why didn’t I guess he attended their wedding?

“I was performing at that country that time and happened to be there. You were also busy in Japan for your solo album debut.” He defended himself just like that. At least I wasn’t alone in SHINee who didn’t see their wedding.

“The wedding must have been beautiful, right?” Kibum looked at Taemin and Minho, who were both nodding their head. Their hand interlocked with each other so lovingly… 

Kibum-ah, I don’t mind at all if you have kids. Can you be mine?

I laughed slightly at my silly thoughts, how I wished I could really say it but Kibum didn’t like gays at all. Wait… Wait a minute. If Key didn’t like gay, wouldn’t he hate 2min? Wouldn’t he object to their marriage? Wouldn’t he pull Jongyeon away?

Does that mean, Kibum didn’t mind?

Does that mean Key actually didn’t mind gays at all?

A smile crept up my face. I may still stand a chance. I promise, I will let you fall in love with Me, Key. I won’t let you escape from my side anymore.

“What are you guys going to do after the last album?” Minho thought about it and took a quick glance at Taemin.

“Maybe I would continue to be on dream team?” I guess Minho wasn’t sure if he should stay in the entertainment business since it may affect his private life with Taemin.

“Actually Manager hyung did ask me to help out in choreography for the other singer in SM entertainment, I guess I would do what I do best? How about you Key hyung?” I looked at Kibum… What would be his choices? Would he stay in Korea?

“I haven’t thought about it yet, because whatever I choose right now, I must consider about Jongyeonie too.” I really hope that your decision would be staying here with me. I don’t know if I could leave another few years without you.

“I know, you can stay here and help out with the fashion of the other idol in SM town.” I suggested. Then we will all be working in SM company but the most important thing was, you will be here with me.

“Let me think about it.” Key replied calmly.

It was already night time and everyone was asleep in their respective room. Well, accept for me. I was lurking around outside manager hyung’s room, which was now Jongyeon and Key’s room, trying to understand more about them by overhearing their soft conversation. I wasn’t called a puppy for nothing. With my sensitive hearing, I can hear what they were saying.

“Umma, why do you look so unhappy?” Did Key look unhappy? Was Key unhappy?

“It’s because after this week I can’t spend much time with my Jongyeonie.” I didn’t really expect Key’s reason to be so, well, simple I guess. It’s perfectly alright for him to hide things from Jongyeon, since he was still a kid but what could be the reason for him being sad?

“Don’t worry Umma. I will take good care of myself.” Kids who come from the single family are always so mature and understanding.

“I know.” I heard a soft peck. I guess Key was giving goodnight kisses to Jongyeon. How I wish I can have one too.

“Get some rest.” I heard them shifting under the blanket again, only when there’s complete silence I left my spot. Key-ah, why do I feel that you are hiding something from me? Why do I feel as if there’s a mask in front of you?

“What are you doing here?” I turned to look at Jinki, I was too deep in thoughts that I didn’t realize his presence.

“I was just checking if Jongyeon was okay.” Jinki seemed a little shocked that I was caring about Jongyeon. Why did he give me such an expression?

“Jonghyun, did you know about it?” About what? I still remembered you lied to me these five years that you didn’t know the reason why he left. I know you know it, it’s just that you didn’t want to tell me. Perhaps it was time that I try to get it out from his mouth.

“Was there something I should know but I don’t?” Jinki was taken aback by my question, only making him realize he just told me right in my face that he has a secret that I don’t know.

“Hyung, you kept it from me for five years, isn’t it about time you should tell me? How long do you want to keep it from me?” Jinki kept silence. I was right that he know why Key left and kept it from me. He was waver by me.

“Jonghyun-ah… I-” I could see he was about to tell me but…

“I-I’m sorry, I can’t. I promise Kibum not to tell you. You will have to wait for Kibum to tell you.” Why did Kibum want to keep it from me? What’s that thing that he’s trying to hide from me? I kept silence, how long are they going keep from me?

“I’m sorry but please don’t rush Kibum to tell you about it. He needs time.” He gave a squeeze on my shoulder and then went back to our shared room. He needs time… Will I have this kind of patient to wait for him to tell me? What if he never tells me about it?

Why can’t I be the one knowing the secret?

Kibum was away doing grocery shopping with the 2min, Jinki was away in Japan leaving me and Jongyeon. He was playing with his car toy on the floor in the living room with me looking after him at the side. I’m really curious about Jongyeon’s life. Kibum said he wasn’t his kid, it was his best friend’s child.

Does Jongyeon know about the fact that Kibum isn’t his real father?

But how should I ask in a way that I won’t tell him Kibum isn’t his dad? Or perhaps give me some clue about what Key’s hiding from me.

“Jongyeon-ah, let me ask you a question!” I ruffled his little head and he looked at me with his big eyes.

“Okay! Jonghyun Ahjusshi!” He said it so cheerily.

“What is your dad’s name?” Well, I should start with simple question and see the relationship he thinks he’s having with Key.

“Kibum uppa!” Well, it does make sense that Key told Jongyeon that he is his dad, that’s why Jongyeon will say his name when I ask him the father’s name.

“How about your mom’s name?” I didn’t know what I was anticipating knowing well that I can’t get much out of a kid.

“Kibum umma!” Was he talking about the same person?

“Isn’t it the same person?” He nodded as if there wasn’t anything wrong. It doesn’t seem wrong to him at all.

“Key umma take good care of me like a mummy and disciple me like a dad. That’s why Key umma is both dad and mum to Jongyeonie~” I couldn’t help but to smile. They are really very close. How about I use this time to get closer to Jongyeonie?

“In future, you will have one more dad.” Jongyeon titled his head to the side not knowing who it could be.

“It will be me, Jonghyun Ahjusshi!” He smiled brightly at me.

I was flipping the channels with the remote in my hand, too used to sleeping late at night. It was only 12pm which mean I still have 3 more hours before the sleepiness hits me. Kibum came out from the room with an empty mug in his hand, Jongyeon should be asleep now.

I heard washing sound coming from the kitchen, Key must be doing some cleaning. I kept silence, waiting for him to come out from the kitchen. While I was still thinking of a way to make him sit down with me in the living room, he was already sitting beside.

“Is Jongyeon asleep?” He nodded slightly. He looked kind of exhausted today, maybe I’m just thinking too much. Suddenly, this scene seemed familiar. Only the two of us alone in the living room and we were both seated down on the couch.

That’s right. It was day when he came back after five years without news. He came out from the room and I asked him about who Jongyeon was. After knowing that it wasn’t his child, I kissed him and we almost did it if it wasn’t for the interruption. I could feel my face getting a little warm.

Maybe I can try my luck today.

I wanted to pull Kibum into my arms and kiss him but the sudden weight on my shoulder stopped me. I turned my head slightly to look at him. He has fallen asleep, sleeping so soundly as he lean on me. I touched his hair and caress it softly.

His lips looked so inviting and delicious, I couldn’t help it but to lean down a little and taste it. He taste was sweet and addictive. I pulled away from the kiss before I lost myself. Let me hug you as your lover tonight. I carried him up in bride style and to the room I shared with Jinki hyung.

Although my arm was numb because he was lying on my hand the whole night, I couldn’t help but smile because he was still lying in my arms. He was still sleeping soundly like a kid in my arms. I was resisting the urge to kiss him on the lips, I still want this moment to last as long as it can. Even for a mere second, everything second of it will forever implant in my mind.

You started moving a little and rubbed your eyes so cutely. I hold back my laughter and watch carefully your every expression. At first it was a blank look, after than was a pleasant smile and a small greeting.

“Good morning, Jjong.” You went back snuggling in my arms. I waited about a minute before your shock face took over and then you realize the whole time you were lying on my arm as pillow. You immediately sat up.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry Jjong!” You started massaging my arm as a way to apologize. You were getting so worked up for me. I cupped your cheeks and your eyes met mine. I really want to kiss you but I know I can’t. I moved closer to you and left a peck on your forehead.

With the week ended so smoothly, we started preparing for our last album. The word last sounded so heavy. Having to deal with our schedule starting from now, our manager took over the job of taking care of Jongyeon while we were busy.

First we had to record our own solo lines in the song. Jinki hyung was the first one to do the recording and the four of us idling around outside. 2min were having their mushy time together, Taemin was sitting on Minho’s legs, Minho’s arms wrapped around Taemin’s waist as he played Nintendo 3DS. His head leaned comfortably on his shoulder.

I really envy them. Will I be able to do that with Kibum too?

Perhaps I can bluff Key that I wanted to tease the cute couple over there by showing how mushy they were and make them a little embarrass of their action. The truth would be I just wanted to hold Kibum in my arms. I moved myself closer to Kibum then whisper softly into his ear.

“Kibum, how about we tease them by doing the same?” Kibum raised his eyebrow and then nodded his head in agreement. Therefore he sat on my legs and I wrapped my arms around his waist. He was still skinny like before. I used my phone in replacement of their Nintendo 3DS.

“Hyung this is fun.” Kibum said a little louder to get the two maknae in the group to notice us.

“Kibummie, I’ll show you another good trick of mine.” I pretend to act like Minho, with the serious stare as if I was playing a hard level and needed full concentration. I managed to get them a little embarrass, I laughed in victory. Of course, Minho didn’t blush for long.

“You are just jealous, Jonghyun hyung.” Minho said with Taemin backing him up. Taemin then stick his tongue out at me. Indeed they were husband and wife, having such good chemistry between them. Then they continued their action. Kibum wanted to sit back at his place, but I held tightly and didn’t want to let go. I buried my face on his back.

“Jjong, let me go.” He struggled a little in my arms to tell me to let go but I ignored him and stayed in my position.

“I don’t want to.” I said it stubbornly like a kid. Surprisingly, he didn’t struggle anymore. He just let me hold him. I felt a little warmer with him in my arms. I took a deep breath in his scent, that unforgettable scent. How much did I long for it? How I wished time would stop now, so that I can hold him forever.

“Jonghyun, it’s your turn.” Seriously, I felt like killing the person. I unwillingly let him go and went into the recording room. I believed I would have more chances in future. In future, I believed I can hold him as his lover.

I was done for my part for that song. Right now I can take a rest. I placed the earphone down and walked out of the room. I should have expected this, but it still hurts even though I prepared for it. Jonghyun was hugging Kibum in his arms. Have they make up? Were they together now?

I really want to ask but I can’t stop them anyway. It’s truth that Kibum loves him and Jonghyun loves him back. I’m just some guy who loved Kibum. As long as he’s happy, I should be happy for him. I plastered a smiled on my face as Jonghyun went in the recording room. A light blush could be seen on his face.

I know I can’t say if they are really together, but I’m sure Kibum is still in love with him.

“Jinki hyung? What are you standing there for?” Kibum was looking at me. I shook my head.

“I was daydreaming again.” I laughed awkwardly, as if I was having my sangtae. The truth was, my heart hurts a lot right now. I might be the one there for you, but I’m certainly not the guy you love. I’m sure.

Finally my turn ended and it was Taemin’s turn. I cheered mentally; finally I can get to spend time with Key. Actually we would be spending a lot of time together this few days. After the recording, we still have to practice for the dance, record music video and promote the song on stage.

I couldn’t help but to grin so widely when I thought of that.

“Jonghyun hyung, did you wrote the song? I heard you wrote Gravity.” I showed a proud smile to them.

“That’s right.” They weren’t amaze like before when I wrote Juliette since I have been in music industry longer than them.

“What’s the song is about?”

“Gravity pulled us down, deeper and deeper into the hole of love. It like two person’s relationship, fate is like gravity that pulls the couple down to be deeply in love even more.” Even though it doesn’t seem like the relationship between us, but it was what I hope we can become. There would be a day when both of us are deeply in love with each other and no one would be able to tear us apart.

“I think the fans would be excited again this time round if the news spread around that you wrote the lyrics like last few albums.” I nodded and I remembered one of them was for Key. I was a little surprised when a fan guessed Juliette was describing Key. I hope this time round they would think of it this way too or Key would get the hint.

“By the way, I heard that the dance moves difficult, I’m a little worried.” Key expressed his uneasiness, it’s true. It’s been five years since he last danced. Of course he will be worried that he might not be able to sing and dance at the same time. Five years, it sounded like a burden.

“Don’t worry, I’ll give you a little training,” I assured him. Of course my little training will include something we haven’t been doing for years. I know you may push me away like last time when you first got back in Korea, but you did give in eventually… Didn’t you?

I know I’m selfish thinking like this, but I just can’t help it when it comes to you. I don’t want to share you with anyone.

The five of us were dancing to the rhythm of the song, it’s been too long since we were dancing together.

“I’m exhuasted.” Key yelled in defeat as his legs couldn’t hold him up any longer. He lied down flatly on the floor, wiping his sweat that was on his forehead away. I took the empty space beside him.

“Let’s take a break.” Jinki suggested after looking at the condition Key was in.

“Can you take care of Jonghyun for me?” Jinki was shocked at Kibum’s sudden request.

“Why?”

“Actually I have decided to go back to US after the last album.” Jinki was shocked by the news, he thought that Kibum came back to stay. This few days Kibum and Jonghyun have been always together with their son Jongyeon. Why did he want to leave?

“Why? I thought you can back to be with Jonghyun?” A bitter smile formed on his face as he sat down on the bed side.

“I wanted to but I realize I can’t.” Jinki sat down beside him and held on his cold hands.

“Kibum-ah. I can see Jonghyun really loves. Even after so long he still loves you, you don’t have to leave. I’m sure he will accept you and Jongyeon.” Jinki thought that it might be the fact that Kibum didn’t realize that Jonghyun still loved him so he was insecure and he may also be worried that Jonghyun might not be able to accept the fact that he was pregnant with his child.

“Jinki hyung, you don’t understand.” Kibum sighed.

“Kibum, tell me. What are your worries?”

“… Just forget about it Hyung. I have decided to go after this album. I’m informing you because I don’t want you to get worried when I go missing after the album.” Jinki knew that no matter what he says won’t make Kibum change his mind. He can only give up.

“Alright, Kibum.”

After knowing that Kibum will leave eventually after their last album, Jinki didn’t know what to do. He can’t persuade Kibum to stay so he has to find someone else to persuade him to stay. That someone will be Jonghyun, only Jonghyun can make him stay. Even if this means he would have to watch the man he loved with another man, as long as he can make Kibum stay he was willing to do anything.

He went to find Jonghyun, not caring about the promise he had with Kibum anymore.

“Jonghyun… I have something important to tell you.” Jinki looked very serious at Jonghyun.

“Appa, come quickly.” Jongyeon ran as fast as his feet could bring him when they got down from the taxi. They were at a park in Pajoo. Jongyeon only let go of Kibum’s hands when he finally brought Kibum to the destined area.

“Jongyeon-ah, where are you going?” Kibum shout and wanted to follow Jongyeon but the little boy was too fast and was quickly out if his sight. The lights in the park suddenly lit up. Every trees and bushes in the park was coiled by light bulbs, different colored light bulbs. Kibum couldn’t believe his own eyes.

Jonghyun was standing in front of the biggest oak tree in the park. Kibum walked towards him slowly. The moment Kibum stood in front of Jonghyun, Jonghyun knelt down with one knee.

“Be mine forever.” He raised his hand up, the hand that was holding the ring. Tears were starting to accumulate in the younger boy’s eyes. He never thought that such a day would come, Jonghyun proposing a forever for their future. Jonghyun grabbed his hand gently and put on the ring for him.

The ring was shining so brightly in his trembling hands. He really wants to accept the ring, it was a key to happiness but he was too afraid to hold it. He admired it a little while it was still in his hands. Jonghyun was gleaming in joy but soon it turns to huge disappointment.

“Sorry, I can’t” He muttered and slipped it out from his finger. The scene played so slowly in his eyes. Jonghyun didn’t understand why… He couldn’t understand why.

“Why? I thought we are in love?” Jonghyun said agitatedly. He was holding himself back from grabbing on his shoulder so painfully, asking for reason why.

“Jonghyun-ah… I…” Key couldn’t even finish his sentence, Jonghyun had cut in.

“I know Jongyeon is our child, I won’t look at you as if you are some freak. I’ll take good care of you two. Key, please accept me.” Jonghyun added on to his promise by blurting out what he knew about Jongyeon.

“Jonghyun, Jongyeon is not our child.” Kibum explained. Jongyeon was never their child in the first place. Jongyeon was really his best friend child. Although this fact was different from what Jinki told him. It doesn’t matter anymore, as long as he can be with Key.

“It doesn’t matter, Kibum, I will treat him like mine.” Jonghyun gently touched Key’s cheeks but only to get his hand slapped away.

“It matter a lot Jonghyun!” Kibum shouted which cause Jonghyun to freeze on the spot. Tears started accumulating in his eyes.

“Listen to me, Jonghyun.” Jonghyun nodded slightly hold back the urge to hold the crying boy in his arms. It hurts a lot more than Key’s rejection.

“I never told Jinki about this, because I don’t want to bring any hope to him at all.” He said as he wiped away the tears on his face.

“Jongyeon is not our child. I was pregnant with your child before, but…” Kibum’s hands were trembling, Jonghyun held his hand gently to calm him down.

“I lost it. I had a miscarriage. I was the one who killed our child. I’m a murder.” Jonghyun wrapped Kibum in his arms, allowed him to lean on his chest and cry to his heart desire. The unborn baby’s death was a huge blow to Kibum.

“It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.” Jonghyun muttered, knowing how much Kibum suffered in silence, it really kills him. He was crying with Kibum.

“It’s my fault. It’s my fault!”Kibum struggled in his arms, trying to break free from his hug but Jonghyun was too strong. Jonghyun leaned down to capture his lips and silence him. At first Kibum was unwilling and tried to break free but he gave in.

“Kibum, it doesn’t matter if we had a child or not. The most important thing to me right now is you. You are only hurting me, if you are hurting yourself.” Jonghyun explained as he cupped the younger boy’s cheek.

“Jonghyun… I can’t… I still can’t forgive myself.” Jonghyun wiped away his tear with his thumb. He doesn’t get it, why does Kibum keep pushing him away.

“Kibum…”

“Jjong, please… Please give me some time. Please…. Please let me leave you.” Kibum plead desperately. How can Jonghyun say no? How can Jonghyun let go someone he loved so much?

“Kibum…”

“Please, Jonghyun. I beg you.” Perhaps letting go was a better choice. Rather than watching how painful Kibum was around him. It’s best if he let go. At least there’s would be a higher chance for him to come back to his side without any pain. Tears were accumulating in Jonghyun’ eyes.

“Alright, Kibum. I’ll let you go.” Jonghyun didn’t need too long before he regret his words but he know clearly that couldn’t take it back.

“But come back when you forgive yourself. I’ll wait for you even if it takes forever.”

“Keep this with you.” Jonghyun placed the ring in Key’s palm and wrap his fingers around the ring.

“Jjong… I’m sorry…” Key knew that Jonghyun love him a lot, yet he forced him to let him go.

“Don’t be. Just promise me you’ll meet me back in Korea.” Kibum nodded.

Jonghyun let Kibum go back to US after their last album promotion ended. This time round he let go of Kibum with a smile because this time round he knows that Kibum will eventually be back one day. All of SHINee member sent him off at the airport, waving goodbye as he enter departure hall.

Kibum, you will forever be the one I love in this life.

Thank you for those who started reading this from my livejouranl acc ^^

I finally finished this T.T

I know I stopped writing this a lot of times, but really thankful for those who kept on reading T.T

love you`