Beads of sweat rolling down from his forehead and eye brows knitted in concentration, 15 year old Huang Zitao looked through the fields of millions of clovers over their backyard for a certain lucky clover.

‘If a person keeps a four leaf clover, he will have a good luck’those words from his grandmother kept playing on his mind, not minding the heat of the sun and the soil on his fingers.

“What are you doing?” an oddly familiar voice stopped him from his concentration as he abruptly straighten up, pain immediately shooting down his spine, reminding him how long he’s in that bending position for a long time now. Zitao immediately turned around and met face to face with the owner of that voice.

“Yi-Yifan ge…”

Wu Yifan grimaced playfully at Zitao’s sweaty and dirty state as he walked towards him, a hand on his forehead to protect his eyes from the darting rays of the sun.

“What are you doing here? Don’t you know that I was looking for you?” he asked, looking at him.

‘He was looking for me?’Zitao thought happily, a dust of pink tainting his cheeks as he look away.

It was good that they were under the heart of the sun or Yifan will take notice of his blush.

“Uhm, I was looking for something” he timidly answered, glancing at the older to see his reaction.

“Looking for something? What is it? Maybe I can help” the older offered as he started looking around the area.

“I-I was looking for a four leaf clover”

Yifan stopped and looked at him with a confused expression.

“A four leaf clover? Isn’t that very hard to find?” he asked,

“Yeah…..but I want to find one and give it to someone special” Zitao answered, almost inaudible as he looks away. Yifan felt something squeeze his heart after hearing those words from the younger, but he decided not to put much attention to it as he flash a cheeky grin to him.

“Let’s find it then!”

But then in the end, they never found that lucky clover Zitao was talking about.

And that was 4 years ago…

Yifan later learned that Zitao was ill and his days were numbered when he collapsed while they were walking home from school.

He had a tumor on his brain. The doctor told him, and it was too late to cure.

Zitao’s parents know it though, and his wish was not to tell Yifan because he doesn’t want his gege to worry about his shortening life span.

‘Stupid, you could’ve told me earlier so I won’t be like this’he chuckled, finding himself standing in the middle of the field of clovers over Zitao’s backyard, looking for that lucky clover they failed to find four years ago.

Tears clouded his eyes, blocking his vision and pain was squeezing his chest out of frustration.

“AH!” he tripped over a rock and fell on the clovers.

“Tch.” Yifan was about to stand up when a certain clover with four leaves caught his attention. A smile lit up from his face as he immediately pick it up and rushed towards the hospital, not caring about his dirty and sweaty state.

‘Zitao needs to see this’he kept repeating on his mind.

All is well, Yifan thought.

Maybe, just maybe, Zitao would be so happy if he showed that lucky clover to him and his life would be a little longer. Just thinking about the younger’s happy expression makes him grin like an idiot as he enter the hospital and use the stairs instead of the elevator because he wanted to see Zitao, his Huang Zitao, smiling at him despite his state.

But reality is cruel sometimes.

Yifan’s grin was wiped off from his face and blood rushed down his cheeks at the same time.

Zitao’s parents were outside his hospital room, his mom was sobbing that it hurt Yifan’s ears as he hears his heart breaking into tiny pieces.

“M...Mrs. Huang…w-what happened?” please tell me he isn’t.

Zitao’s father looked at him with a solemn expression before shaking his head, a single tear falling from his eye.

“My son…h-he’s dead.”

He felt hot tears rushing; fists clenched, he bowed to them before turning away and walking towards the door to take a glimpse at his peaceful face before he was covered by the blanket.

And Yifan forgets the crushed four leaf clover on his palm.

The next thing Yifan remembers was finding himself under the tree where he and Zitao spent their times together when he was still alive, staring at the cream colored envelope on his hands.

“Zitao told me to give this to you before he passed away”

He recalls Zitao’s mother telling him those words as he carefully open the envelope, eyes widening at the first thing he saw inside; a four leaf clover inside a keychain. He quickly took the letter and started to read.

Yifan ge,

            If you are reading this right now, I already passed away. I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you about my condition for I thought that if I did, you might stay away or worse, you might leave me and never come back. But I’m thankful that you stayed, despite the fact that I didn’t told you about it.

            I’m sorry if I lied about not finding any four leaf clover 4 years ago. I actually found one, but decided not to tell you since I wanted to stay longer together with you, having fun together.

            Do you remember when I told you that I wanted to give that four leaf clover to a special someone? That’s right; you are the one I’m talking about. But I never had the courage to give it to you because I was a coward. I was scared that you might be disgusted at me for loving you and leave. I’m sorry for being selfish but….

            I love you, Wu Yifan ge. I wish you happiness…

I’m sorry…

Zitao

Yifan clutched the letter tightly in his hands, tears started to fall as he chuckled bitterly. He raised the keychain in the air and stared at it; a sad, painful smile on his face.

I should be the one who’s sorry Zitao

….because I’m the one who was a coward.

And I don’t want to be happy when I don’t have you…

“I love you too, Huang Zitao.”

And Yifan forgets what happiness is.