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I’m holding back, even though it hurts

Even tears are a luxury for me

I don’t even have the right to look at you

Don’t look at me.

Idiot. Stupid. Foolish. Unintelligent. Dim. Naive. “Pabo.”

Dongwoo has heard it all; from the constant put downs, defamations, the insults, the bad names, the jokes. Throughout his twenty-one years of life, almost everyone has believed that Dongwoo was a complete and utter, “Pabo”.

No one knew why. It just has always been like that… It was known to everyone that Dongwoo just seemed to be a complete idiot. No one ever bothered to question it.

And surprisingly, Dongwoo never fought back. Dongwoo’s outer appearance may have looked tough and rough, but he couldn’t even harm a fly. To the public’s surprise, he never claimed that the proclamations were false, nor did he ever try to prove them wrong.

It was a part of his image…

Dongwoo always laughed and smiled, fulfilling his image to it’s maximum by playing to s’ jokes and becoming the “Pabo” of the group. The members didn’t mind making a fool out of him, and neither did the audience.

But no one knew what pain Dongwoo felt inside. The hurt, the angst, the anguish, the anger that was pent up inside, all because he was called a “Pabo”. 

No one knew of the late night phone calls he’d have with his mother. The phone calls he’d had to hide from his managers and members. The several hour long phones calls he’d sneak out just to have with his mother, so that he can have someone to talk to about his problems. The long sleepless nights he’d on the phone with her, just sobbing. Many wondered why he had such heavy eye bags or why he was such a heavy sleeper, but no one knew… only his mother.

No one knew of the verbal abuse Dongwoo received, even if he was the second oldest. Honorifics? No such thing. Sungjong speaking to him in “banmal”? It happened all the time at him.

The verbal assaults Dongwoo received were horrendous.

No one knew though. No one knew…

No one knew that Dongwoo was an utter genius. He was crafty, intelligent, and smart enough to know that the member’s would be broken apart if they knew that their “happiest” member was having problems. The members would blame each other for Dongwoo’s emotional heartache, thus leading to a fight that would have unknown endings.

Dongwoo had the laugh of the group. Without that laugh, what would Infinite be? What would Infinite be like without Dongwoo? If finally Dongwoo decided that he wasn’t going to take people’s anymore, would the public be shocked? Would he finally get recognized as the genius he is?

Probably not. Because again, Dongwoo is a Pabo.

---------

It was the night after they returned from Japan, when Dongwoo finally blew up. For ages, Dongwoo has held back punches, screams, and tears even though they tore him up inside. It was one thing that Hoya said that had him over the edge…

After a long flight, a quick dinner, and a drive back home, Infinite finally reached their apartment. It had been ages since they saw their lovely home. Once the members reached inside, they headed straight into their room for quick showers then bedtime.

Before heading off to bed, Dongwoo silently sneaked out of his bedroom and ran out of the apartment, heading straight up the stairs to the roof of their apartment building. Dongwoo found his usual bench and sat there, staring at the night sky. Finally tired of counting the stars, he pulled out his phone and called his mother…

“Umma,” whispered Dongwoo, “I miss you.”

“I miss you too. How are you doing? Did you eat well today?” asked his mother, you could tell by the strain in her voice that she had had a long day.

“I am fine Umma. I ate well at the airport. I promise I won’t keep you long, you sound incredibly tired,” Dongwoo muttered.

“It’s fine honey. Is there anything you wanted to get off your shoulders today?”

Dongwoo sighed. Again, he looked up at the stars and counted. There were several things he wanted to get off his shoulders, like the way SungJong speaks to him, or the way Woohyun and Sunggyu love to bully him, or even the harsh tones Hoya, Sungyeol and Myungsoo accidently give him when they’re exhausted. When Dongwoo counted fifteen stars, Dongwoo put a smile on his face.

“Nothing mom” Dongwoo lied, “Just wanted to tell you that, I think I’m learning to stop being so weak.”

“That’s good, honey,” said his Umma, “I’m glad that you’re finally learning to not be bullied. If you need anything call me, okay? I have to go. Your father needs to be feed. He’s such a baby.”

“Haha, okay mom, I’ll call you soon,” whispered Dongwoo.

“Anytime, honey,” replied his mother.

Before he pressed the ‘hang up’ button Dongwoo stopped and pressed the phone back onto his ear, “Wait, Umma.”

“Yes, Dongwoo?”

Dongwoo took a breath and smiled, “I just wanted to say, I love you…”

“I love you too, good night?”

“Night,” said Dongwoo as he pressed his phone shut and set it next to him. He leaned up and faced up at the stars.

He wondered why there were so many. He imagined there was a small one, being bullied around just like him. He imagined how much that one star would have to fight the other stars make his point or even shine. Somewhere far away, there was a teeny-tiny star, just like him, trying to be more than the other stars are making him to be.

That star was just as important as the other stars.

Dongwoo probably felt the same as that star. He just wanted to be more, and stop being put down. Dongwoo is just as important as any other member of Infinite. Right? So, why is Dongwoo being put down?

Dongwoo promised to put a stop to it.

“What are you doing up here?” asked Hoya. In his hands, he held two mugs of what seemed to be tea. He looked exhausted, with his glasses already on and him only wearing a tank top and shorts.

“Just thinking,” answered Dongwoo, ripping his eyes away from the sky for a millisecond, “…What are you doing up here? How did you know I was here?”

Hoya took the seat next to Dongwoo and handed him the mug, “I saw you leaving your room while I was getting a glass of water. You looked like you needed a cup of tea.”

“Thanks.”

Together the two sat in silence.

“Hyung, is it okay to ask what you’re thinking about?” asked Hoya.

Dongwoo smiled, then took a sip of tea, “It’s kind of a long story. I don’t want to burden you.”

“Just tell me,” pushed Hoya, receiving a shake of the head from Dongwoo in reply. “If you don’t want to say anything how about we play a game: where we yell out what we’re thinking right now. I’ll go first.”

Hoya stood up and walked towards the edge of the roof. Over the edge of the roof, Hoya could see every building of the Seoul skyline. He quickly glanced over his shoulder and smiled at Dongwoo, then turned back to the skyline of Seoul.

“I’M SCARED THAT FANS WILL LEAVE ME, BECAUSE I AM TOO AMBITIOUS,” yelled Hoya, “You’re turn, hyung.”

Dongwoo frowned, “I can’t—“

Hoya stood up and angrily faced Dongwoo. “Hyung, you never tell us what you’re really thinking. The public thinks you’re a pabo, but we know that you’re absolute genius; a genius that is hiding his crazy thoughts. Just say what you need to say!”

Dongwoo frowned. He ripped his eyes away from the night sky and faced his band member. The tears began to flood into his eyes, blurring all vision that he once had. He looked at his band member with those blurry eyes and finally said what has been on his mind for the longest time. He finally said it.

“I AM TIRED OF BEING EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY BEAT UP BY EVERYONE. EVERYONE. There is no one that understands either! I can’t say anything because I will just disappoint everyone that is around me…”

Dongwoo sat there in silence and stared back up at the stars. He let the tears stream down his eyes as he searched for that one teeny-tiny star.

“I’m trapped.”

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