“No not that one, that one!”

Cho Sungmin, a perfectionist, asks the flower vendor to give him the blue bouquet of flowers.

“He likes blue, Mr. Kang, and you know that! Why are you being playful today?”

The said Mr. Kang laughed. “I was just kidding. Go on now.”

Sungmin arrives at his house minutes later. He took the withered flowers from the vase, and replaced it with the beautiful ones he just bought today.

Sungmin goes in the kitchen, grabs the vegetables from the fridge, then starts chopping them.

Sungmin began to talk.

“Hey, Kyuhyun.”

Silence.

“Do you want chopsuey? I know how much you hate vegetables, but I really am craving for some right now.”

Silence.

“But anyway, the funniest thing happened today. Mr. Kang decided to give me yellow flowers instead of the blue ones that you love. He is really playful today. Mrs. Kang is doing fine he said, but she still has those breathing problems from last year.”

By now, Sungmin is used to the silence.

“Sandeul came by yesterday with his wife. Our son has grown so much. Today marks the fifth month that she’s been pregnant and her baby bump is getting bigger and bigger. You should’ve seen the look on Sandeul’s face as he feels his wife’s stomach. It was really a happy sight.”

Sungmin stops chopping. He glanced at the picture of his husband that is propped up on the kitchen counter.

Cho Kyuhyun, Cho Sungmin’s husband for forty years, has died two years ago.

It’s not easy.

It’s never easy.

It will never be easy; not for Sungmin that is.

“After visiting here, they went to that “place.” They told me that this house has so many pictures of you that they don’t even miss seeing your face…

…but I do. It’s still different, you know? Not seeing your breathtaking smile. Not hearing your hearty laugh. Not feeling you close to me. It’s different. Maybe our son doesn’t miss you that much anymore. You guys were never that close anyway. I hated how much you pushed him in his studies, but I let you anyway or else he wouldn’t be the one of the best surgeon in this area.”

Sungmin finished chopping the vegetables and after cooking it, eating it, and washing the dishes, Sungmin went upstairs to change his shirt.

Sungmin gets in the car and drove off into the horizon.

An hour of driving has passed, and Sungmin was now standing on the edge of a cliff.

The afternoon breeze blew in from the south and the crashing of waves got higher as the sun sets.

Sungmin sits on the edge of the cliff, and then breathes out an exaggerated sigh.

“I still can’t believe you asked me to dump your ashes in the sea.”

Sungmin grabs a handful of dirt on the ground, stretched his hands in front of him, opened his hands in the air and watched the dusts fly across the big blue body of water.

Memories decided to come back at that very moment.

“Lee Sungmin, would you be my boyfriend? I know we’ll have to suffer a lot of consequences in the future and we have to ignore those rude comments that will come from our family and classmates, but I’m willing to go through it with you. Lee Sungmin, I really like you. Please be mine.”

“You jerk,” Sungmin said as he stared at the dolphins that were jumping high up in the air. “I forgot how cheesy you were back then. I didn’t even know what I liked before you came into my life. I was a confused freshman in high school. Seriously, how do you even have the courage to like a guy at the age of fourteen? Stupid.”

“It’s been exactly seven years since we’ve been together. Why don’t we get married?” Kyuhyun had asked.

“Wait, so you’re asking me to get married to you in that way? What? No ring? Aren’t you at least going to kneel down on your knees? How about cupping my face in your hands? What happened to the cheesy Kyuhyun that I know?”

“Look up.” And Sungmin did. Right before his eyes, was a small plane passing by that was puffing out smoke that spelled “W-I-L-L Y-O-U M-A-R-R-Y M-E?” Sungmin had agreed and hugged Kyuhyun so hard that one blissful day that he couldn’t help but break a bone in Kyuhyun’s back. It didn’t need surgery though; it just needed a little massaging which Sungmin did for his soon to be husband.

“Ah, you did that on our first to sixth anniversary too. I was so surprised that you didn’t do it on our seventh and you said you thought I would’ve been sick of it. I was.” Sungmin chuckled at the same time a pigeon landed behind him. The pigeon plucked a worm out of the ground, and then flew once again.

“You’re so-“

“Kyuhyun, watch out!”

Kyuhyun swerved the car away from the incoming car, but failed. Kyuhyun and Sungmin had crashed against the other car resulting for their car to hit the railings and they had fallen off the hill.

That night, they were on their way to a cottage that Kyuhyun rented out for their thirty-eighth anniversary.

“K-Kyuhyun?” Sungmin mumbled as he stirred from his long sleep; two weeks to be exact.

“Daddy?” Sungmin heard Sandeul’s voice.

“Sandeul-ah, where’s your dad?” Sungmin asked. Sungmin saw how Sandeul stiffened, and how he held onto his fiancé’s hand tightly. “Sandeul, answer me.”

“Daddy, dad is in the ICU. He’s in a coma.”

It wasn’t until two weeks later before Sungmin was well enough to visit Kyuhyun who was moved from the ICU to a regular room. Still in a coma, Sungmin sat on a wheelchair beside Kyuhyun and caressed his bruised hands.

“You need to wake up, okay? Sandeul is getting married in two months and I’m going to need your help in arranging stuff. I’m doing fine, but I still have broken bones that have yet to mend. The doctor said you might not wake up again, but I don’t believe them. They always lie; doctors. They think they know everything. When you wake up, tell them God is the only one who knows everything that’s going to happen. Anyway, I brought your Bible. I was thinking about finally reading it, but you know how I am. Wake up, Kyu. Wake up.”

Sungmin shook Kyuhyun’s unmovable body too hard that he fell from his wheelchair. His cries were heard outside the hallway and soon, a mob of nurses rushed in the room and helped Sungmin sit on his wheelchair again. He was wheeled back into his room where he cried himself to sleep in the middle of the afternoon.

Days later, Sungmin visited Kyuhyun again. He promised the nurse that he’ll be in his best behavior, so she can take care of other businesses.

“Hey, Kyuhyun. I missed you-“ Sungmin felt movement from Kyuhyun’s hands which he first didn’t pay attention to but then Kyuhyun’s forefinger moved again. Sungmin started yelling for anyone who was available outside the room and quickly, two doctors and three nurses came in.

Sungmin and Sandeul were waiting outside the room before the doctor gave them a go signal that they could go inside.

“Sung- Sung- min- min-ah…” Kyuhyun’s voice was raspy. His cherry lips turned into a dark shade of blueberries, chapped and scarred. Kyuhyun reaches out for Sungmin and Sungmin wheeled himself closer to him.

“Hi sweetheart, are you feeling better?” Sungmin had asked which was responded by a soft chuckle from Kyuhyun.

“Dad, daddy misses you so much. I can’t believe you left him for a while,” Sandeul had said as he made his way to the other side of Kyuhyun’s bed.

“I… missed you guys… too.” Both Sungmin and Sandeul can tell that Kyuhyun is having trouble speaking through the oxygen mask, and even if he did take it off, he would have trouble breathing. “Sungmin, it’s going to be your fault if I don’t make it. I was so mesmerized by your beautiful face that’s why this happened.”

“I’m sorry,” Sungmin mumbled.

“I was kidding,” Kyuhyun said as he caressed Sungmin’s cheek.

“You need to get better.” Sungmin had demanded.

Kyuhyun shook his head. “You and I both know that I don’t have much time left.”

“Don’t say that!” Sungmin had snapped.

“Sungmin, my love, listen to me. I love you and that will never change. I still love you the way I’ve loved you back in high school. I will still protect you the way I protected you from those gangsters. I would never forget the day we got Sandeul, he’s the most precious thing we’ve ever owned. But you, you’re the most precious thing I’ll ever own. Sungmin, God listened to my prayers. I asked him if I could see you one last time, and he granted it. I hope you would talk to him too. He’ll listen.”

“Well, could I tell that God of yours not to take you away from me?” The tears that Sungmin was holding back have finally trickled down his once rosy cheeks.

“It doesn’t work like that, baby.”

“But-“

“Listen, I have spent thirty-eight years with you, and I don’t regret any of those times that I’ve spent with you. You’re my one and only, Sungmin. Remember that.”

“Kyuhyun…” Sungmin did everything he can to be able to stand up by himself. Sandeul who watched his parents cry for each other had finally broken down in tears too. Sandeul grew up in his loving parents’ arms and if he could be adopted again, he would choose them over anyone else.

Sungmin removed the oxygen mask off of Kyuhyun’s face and kissed him as passionately as he did the first time he had kissed him.

And in that moment, Kyuhyun died happily.

Sungmin cried as memories flooded his mind. The sun was half way gone in the horizon and darkness will soon envelope him.

“I still think you could’ve asked that God of yours to stay beside me. But like you said, it didn’t work that way. I still have your Bible in our room. I read it every night now. I’ve been wasting gas coming over to this place every day for two years. I don’t think I’ll be coming that much anymore since gas prices are getting more and more expensive these day. I forgot how much you hated driving. Oh, remember after you asked me out in high school you almost fell off this cliff because you were jumping everywhere? I swore I almost died from heart attack! And then, you asked me to marry you here? I kicked you because you said you can finally make love to me. You were always talking about God, but then you married a man which I know is a sin. “

Sungmin gets up from the edge of the cliff and brushes the dirt off his pants. He turned away from the sea, and made his way back to his car.

Sungmin started the car, and then his radio.

Two less lonely people in the world

And it’s gonna be fine

Out of all the people in the world

I just can’t believe you’re mine

In my life where everything was wrong

Something finally went right

Now there’s two less lonely people in the world

Tonight

“Wow, even the radio decided to play the song that we danced to on our wedding reception.”

Sungmin drove back to his house. He placed his keys on the hook behind the door, and then slumped on the couch. He grabbed a picture of him and Kyuhyun on their wedding day off the desk beside him and brought it above his chest.

Sungmin started to cry which made him hug the picture frame harder. His cries turned into loud sobs that echoed around the empty house that he used to share with the one he loves.

“I’m so lonely, Kyuhyun. I’m so lonely. But I don’t want to follow you. No, not yet. I still want our grandchild to at least see one of his grandfathers. Kyuhyun, I’ll follow you one day. But not now, okay?”

Sungmin stared at Kyuhyun’s picture one last time before he fell asleep.

What Sungmin didn’t know, Sandeul was in the house.

Sandeul closes his bedroom door before making his way downstairs. He sat on the floor in front of Sungmin. He brushed the strands of hair away that was making Sungmin’s eyes twitch in annoyance.

“Daddy, you need to stop crying about dad.” Sandeul wipes the trail of tears from Sungmin’s face, and then he takes the picture from Sungmin’s hands. “We both miss him. But I’ll be here for you, daddy. I’ll take care of you for dad.”

Sandeul looks at the picture of his parents and brought his fingers to caress the glass that protects it.

“Hey, dad. I know I haven’t talked to you as much as daddy did, but I need your help, okay? I don’t want daddy to keep on crying. I know you’re taking care of him wherever you are right now. Dad, I miss you. I love you, dad.”

-끝-