She cried every night before she fell asleep. 

*What’s going on with me?*

It was pain.  He never called her anymore, and when she called, he never answered the phone.  She wanted to talk to him, but he wouldn’t.  The past two months were torturous.  She’d go to various society things without him, and come up with excuses for the people who were concerned.

She’d come up with excuses for herself.

Finally, she just got sick of everyone and everything, and decided to back away and hide out.  She stopped calling her friends and talking with them a week ago, because she got sick of all the pity and comforting.  SHE WOULD NOT BE COMFORTED FOR BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT NEVER EXISTED!!!!

So now she was alone, because that was the only way for her to go on now.  She didn’t want to deal with her problems, and she didn’t want to think about HIM.  Her friends would only want to talk about her feelings, which she had yet to understand herself.

She missed him…his companionship.  He was…everything.  He could comfort her, make her feel drunk with happiness, he could make her feel strangely mad and pleased with him at the same time, and he could kiss her with something that she had never felt before, no matter how many times they had kissed.  He could make her love him.  What they had was special, and he ruined it all by telling her that he needed her.  It was what she needed to hear.

But it wasn’t what she wanted to hear.

It was true that she loved him, and it was true that she needed to hear that he loved her, but she didn’t want to fall in love, ever, in her life.  She liked her life the way it was.  But lord, she needed him, no matter how much she was telling herself that she didn’t.  Every minute of this was torture, killing away her heart, leaving nothing but pain and sorrow and tears.

*Life’s so complicated now.  It was perfect before he entered the picture.* 

She was ready to kill her grandmother the next time they met, which was only two months away, at the Christmas dinner.  God, the Christmas dinner.  That was when she and Yul had chosen to break it off.  Who knew what was going to happen now.  They hadn’t broken it off officially yet.   But they were going to, undoubtedly soon.

She loved him, that was true.  But she didn’t want to believe it.  Admitting that she loved him was admitting that she had a weakness, that no matter how hard she was, and how remote she was, and how strong and smart she was, that she was still as weak as anyone else, that she could be crushed in a second by one gesture of his hand.  She didn’t want that.  But even though she didn’t want to admit it, that pain was in her now.  She had spent her life building that reputation of hers, and she spent even longer than that telling herself that she didn’t need anyone or anything.

But it all changed when she was engaged.

Getting engaged had to be biggest mistake of her life.  She thought that it would only be a long game, but now, it had been a path of discovery, and she found that every engagement, no matter how false, influenced life.

Just the concept of being bound to someone else, to feel what he felt, and to go though his troubles, was enough to make her learn life.  But when love played a role, then the whole engagement changed.  As she sat in her room, she looked to the window, up to the moon, as the radio announcer introed the latest from “savagegarden”.

“She’s taking time, making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone’s got a theory about the bitter one
They’re saying ‘Mamma never loved her much’
And, ‘Daddy never keeps in touch
That’s why she shies away from human affection’
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she’s walking for the right kind of pilot to come.
And she’ll say to him
I would fly you to the moon and back if you’ll be…

If you’ll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would be you my baby?

She can’t remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was colorblind
All her friends they’ve been tried for treason
And crimes that were never defined
She’s saying, ‘Love is like a barren place,
And reaching out for human faith
Is like a journey I just don’t have a map for’
So baby’s gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she’s hanging all her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream

 I would fly you to the moon and back if you’ll be…
If you’ll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong,
So would be my baby?”

At that moment, she realized something.