January 2007

I feel half of my world collapsed in front of me. Making a big hole in my heart. I cried but my eyes already dried from tears. My grandmother holds me tightly, like she wouldn't let go forever. Although my body is small, it felt so heavy.

I saw my friend, good friend Sica flooded with tears, and by her side, Eunhyuk oppa that I've known for a year. If I remember clearly, the first day I became a trainee, I met Jessica. We learnt to dance with our senior together, and like a fate, Eunhyuk oppa is our mentor. Oppa is full of charisma, less talk and so quite. He teaches us how to dance and that's just it. He never smiles accept when he needed to and Jessica is the same. I don't know if it is a good thing or not, I'm the one who breaks the ice prince and princess in the company because of my easy going personality. They became well liked by people around us and they became more charming by the day.

Today is my mother's and father’s funeral. Car accident. That’s it. That’s what the doctor told me, that’s what the police said and that’s the truth I have to accept. For the first time I’m sitting on the sideways. Silently. “This is not good you know.” Oppa said while sitting beside me. “You can die in stress. Everything that happened to us must have a reason behind it. We should accept it with smile. Remember that?” I nodded. I remember all that because I’m the one who said that to oppa and Sica. “Soyeon-ah, this is not good especially for you. But I know it is hard to smile for everything that happened today. It is just that, I’m worried for you. Let it go and don’t keep it to yourself. You know I’m always by your side. Sica too.” Oppa turn my body to face him. I start to cry. Loudly. I felt warm in oppa’s embrace. “Maybe is better for me to die in stress.” I said. “But no one will take care of grandma.” Oppa let me go from his embrace and wipe my tears. He smile and said “I’ll take care of her, don’t worry. I’m better than you and she loves me more.” I hit him gently and try to smile. Maybe I need to be strong now. That’s what mom and dad want. “Soyeon-ah, you look nice when you smile.” Sica scream from the stairs. “If you don’t, you look older than your grandmother.” She starts to giggle and run upstairs. “I like it.” Oppa said in his everyday look. Serious. I look at him with lots of thoughts.  “I like you. Since the first time you smile, you lighten up the place, everywhere you go. Don’t change that and I love you because of that.” And from that day, I promise to myself not to be sad or miserable. Keep going forward and think about the future.

January 2008

“Soyeon should do it with Eunhyuk. They will look good together because of their bipolar talent. One is the king of dance and one is the queen of melody.” Leetuk oppa said ignoring my glare. “I agree. Unnie has a good voice that compliment Eunhyuk oppa’s dance. Oppa is useless if it is not for dancing and rapping.” Yuri said in confident. Siwon oppa nudge oppa’s shoulder to get his response but as usual, oppa is always in his cool mode. “Okay, I understand. But I don’t want to hear another rumours or persistence calls from press asking about the two of you. I’m letting it go because I don’t have any prove, but when I found one....”Eunhyuk oppa take his hand out from his pocket and intercept president’s warning with a salute, “Then,  I’ll start the practice now.” And he goes to the training room with smile making everyone in shock especially the president. He looks like he can explode any second, and we all take the chance to go out from his room.

“He’s such a nuisance. Can’t have a girlfriend, can’t have a date. If you want to date, you must date a member from this company. And now, I’m dating someone from the same company and I can’t even dance with her.”Eunhyuk oppa is mumbling continuously. When people said he has changed a lot, I just smile although I agreed 100%. He talks a lot in front of his fans. He can get a certificate in making a joke that can burst people’s stomach. He smiles without any reason and he takes care of me so well. Maybe father really sent him for me before he died. If it is not because of dad’s stubbornness, I won’t be a trainee here. “Soyeon-ah, can you hear me?”.”Ne?  Yes of course. I don’t know oppa are dating someone in this company. Oppa should tell the president so he won’t bother you anymore.” I said while smiling. “I’m serious Soyeon. This will get worse when you debut. “Oppa looks concern. “Then, I won’t debut. I’ll wait for you to built your own company and become my manager.” I laugh a bit. “That’s so funny. Let’s practice.”Oppa always give up. He knows he never wins when he argues with me. I walk towards him and hold his face with my both hands. “Oppa loves me?” He nods. “I love oppa too. Oppa means everything to me. You take care of me. You even care about my grandmother. For that, I’m more than thankful. If it’s happen that I really need to sacrifice for you, I’ll do it. But as long as we are together, even the president can’t do anything. Right?” He nods again. “Then, don’t worry, keep smiling and everything will be okay. You can die in stress you know.” I smile and oppa too. Maybe I need to stop him from smiling often because there’s lots of girls out there fall for his smile. “Both of you should stop doing that in public.” Siwon oppa said while turning on the radio. “Or in private”. Hyoyeon added. I see Jessica and wave at her, she smiles and waves at me too. She seems so quite lately. That’s Jessica; she can’t change as fast and as much as oppa of course.

“Won’t you participate in the new variety school Soyeon? You’re good in being spontaneous and you’re witty too. It will be good for your debut”. Leetuk oppa gives me a letter from the president that said a school programme needs trainees from different company to participate in their variety school. Seems so interesting but I need to spent 6 hours in school, 3 hours in hospital and training. I’ll be very busy, but this can really helps me and my group when we debut one day. “I think I’ll do it”. I smile. “Soyeon will be very busy.” Siwon oppa said facing Eunhyuk oppa. “I’ll be busy too”. Oppa said and the others start laughing. “Soyeon unni, the president wants to see you”.  Seohyun said from outside the training room. I get my schedule for the next week activities with the variety school included. I like how the president let me to visit my grandmother at least three hours a day in the hospital. It’s already half a year since grandma diagnose with heart disease and amnesia. But luckily she can still remember me and oppa. I hope this is a new start for me to have a better life for grandma.